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Original poster

DH going out. Overreacting?

69 replies

NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:11

Am I overreacting?

Have a 3 year old, 4 month old.
Husband went out the other night after work with a friend and didn’t get home will 1.30am and drunk. The next night he went to an event and didn’t come back till 4am.
Both times I said he could go out but make sure you are home at a reasonable time so I don’t have to deal with the kids wake ups by myself. By this I mean 10pm-ish

Both kids wake during the night and I ended up with both in my bed, hot and unable to sleep all night.

I was fuming this morning. I always confront issues head on and immediately but I’m exhausted of always being the one talking and solving everything and I’m bored of feeling like a nag! I waited for an apology, explanation etc… I got nothing. He was being nice but didn’t mention anything, as if he wasn’t even out till 4am, leaving me to deal with nights alone for 2 nights. He knows I wouldn’t have got much sleep.

All day he knows I’m upset but instead of speaking to me about it he does other things like make me coffee, sort my bed out etc. Unless I speak about it, he won’t won’t say anything. I know it sounds petty me not saying anything but I just thought for once he would communicate with me first but unless I make the initial opening then he won’t deal with the issue. No apology, no asking how the kids were last night. Nothing. I’m fuming. Am I over reacting?

btw - he’s not hiding anything dodgy as I know all the people he was out with and where.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 30/11/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t see two nights out with friends as an issue . He shouldn’t have to have your permission either .
You should go out with your friends too. You both need chill out time away for the house /kids . Nothing wrong with that .

Cravingsgalore · 30/11/2023 23:28

Unless you're exclusively breastfeeding from your breast, I think its time for you to have a spa day/weekend or night out with your friends. Let your husband take over. Don't ask his permission, just tell him you've arranged it for yourself to recover from the two long nights you had with the kids. Then if he dares to react negatively, just look at him blankly and say "oh you must have realised when I said nothing about your 4am arrival, that I was going to plan a little break for myself"?

CantThinkOfAUsername100 · 30/11/2023 23:28

Not actually sure what hes done wrong?

BillionaireTea · 30/11/2023 23:30

Yeah in principle everyone needs to go out... but not when you know the other person gets really poor sleep - you're trading off your fun against their pain, it really is a zero sum game.

The woman has a 4 month old baby and a toddler/preschooler. It should be all hands to the pumps.

That said, DH found he coped better with toddler & baby very differently than I did. He saw it as much less of a process of 'conserving' energy and more of a "get through each day having as best a time as you can". I sacrificed a lot to get predictable time to rest (don't go out at nap time, etc) because I honestly couldn't cope otherwise. DH was at times just as tired as me and would find just going out and trying to be normal was the thing that helped. So this attitude might be why your DH doesn't think he needs to apologise, to him it's been some life that happened, you had a rough one, maybe he will next time. However! My DH would take the children WITH him when going out and trying to be normal...your DH is still taking the mickey and getting more rest time than you.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/11/2023 23:34

You need to tell him that you find 1am and 4am not acceptable times to be out at.
Which imo it's not when you have two small children/babies and not for 2 nights in a row.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 30/11/2023 23:36

Does it happen weekly or is it a rare occurance? If regular you have a problem on your hands, if rare you're over reacting and as for an unspoken curfew.....

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/11/2023 23:37

You need a break and a night out too

basically , and if he’s decent he will not even raise an eye brow

planning a break and time out is a more constructive use of the angry energy

buckeejit · 30/11/2023 23:38

@Fidgety31 - seriously when they have a 4 month old?!

He's bang out of order. One night is understandable, 2 nights on the trot & he should be incredibly apologetic instead of thinking he can make up for again putting you in the shit by doing some chores.

Many men are similar sadly, I don't know why. I'd book yourself into a hotel & pack a bag & say 'back later'. See how he likes it

Original poster
NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:42

Thank you all!

For clarity we don’t ask ‘permission’ to go out, we just let each other know we are going out. I was just trying to express that I was aware he was going out.
Also, not unspoken curfew. I asked him to please be home before 11pm so I had a hand dealing with the nights. He agreed.

I am EBF so can’t leave the baby right now but I’m already planning that spa day!

OP posts:
FaryNuff · 30/11/2023 23:46

It’s not about giving him permission to go out, it’s about HIM being an adult and parent and realising it’s really selfish to fuck off 2 nights in a row when you’re doing all the night wakings.

You will always get the “cool” wives/partners on here who put up with this shit from partners though.

Personally @NewBabyGirl2020 he’d have been given some home truths from me. Why do women put up with this shit and martyr themselves?

Copperoliverbear · 30/11/2023 23:47

Don't think he's actually done anything wrong, we are all entitled to go out with our friends and he is not a teenager with a curfew.
If my husband told me to be home by 10 I'd stay out later on purpose, even though I don't really like staying out and I don't even drink.

WhateverMate · 30/11/2023 23:49

Quietly fuming will get you nowhere. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and then have a conversation from there.

Does this happen often? Did he manage to go to work this morning or did he have a planned day off?

Original poster
NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:50

We have a 4 month old baby! It’s not a curfew haha it’s asking to be home to help as it’s bloody hard work

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 30/11/2023 23:53

Was he up and parenting the days after these nights out?

Was the event a work one?

How often does he typically have a night out?

Pre baby, how often would he stay in with dc1 while you went and did something for yourself?

Seaoftroubles · 01/12/2023 00:27

I'd have been furoius OP and would have read him the riot act the next day. And it It was hardly a curfew for heavens sake, it was a request ( that he agreed to) that he'd be home by 11 pm to give you a hand. Really selfish behaviour on his part, make sure he does the night time wakeups for the next few days to make it up to you!

frozendaisy · 01/12/2023 03:23

You are over reacting

My H went out around Christmas when we had a baby and toddler. I BF so did baby night feeds, I preempted the wakings and went to bed with the kids in our bed, read, had an early chilled night and didn't stress out too much.

Relationships are give and take not "you have to always be home at 10pm to help with night awakenings"

He sounds like he is helping out the following day not nursing a hangover in bed.

This just wouldn't bother me. Personally I would let it go OP.

LBFseBrom · 01/12/2023 04:04

Fidgety31 · 30/11/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t see two nights out with friends as an issue . He shouldn’t have to have your permission either .
You should go out with your friends too. You both need chill out time away for the house /kids . Nothing wrong with that .

I agree with that up to a point but being out until 4am and coming home drunk is not on.

A mature person would not go out and get drunk, nor leave their wife at home with a very young baby for a night out. There is time for that when the children are older and even then, getting off your face is revolting. He is not a teenager, he is a grown man, husband and father.

haribosmarties · 01/12/2023 04:13

I'd be a bit pissed off if my husband went out so late for two nights running when I had a 4 month old. That's quite shit tbh.
The odd night out I could understand. And yes I'd expect to have it run by me first. That's just respectful. So I guess he would need my 'permission'... we are a team looking after a baby we can't just Swan off with no warning. I wouldn't be able to do that so why should he?
You make an arrangement and you then stick to it. You don't rock up at some stupid time in the morning when that's not what you agreed.

SunRainStorm · 01/12/2023 04:15

I can't believe people defending him.

He made a promise to you, and he broke it. Hasn't apologised or acknowledged that his good time came at the expense of your night of sleep.

Also the man has a four month old baby and a toddler, it's hardly a human rights violation to expect him to come home on time.

He should at least be thanking you for holding down the fort while he was off gallivanting.

Bring it up, tell him you're pissed off, and you won't be pretending everything is dandy while an apology is owed.

Hibambinos · 01/12/2023 04:18

My dh would have a dent in his head if he did this! lol!
I do not get the “defensive” position of some posters saying it’s was fine. It’s not - he has two young babies and a partner to consider. It’s selfishness at its best.

and please OP do not suffer in silence. The coffee making and smiling today would not get him off the hook I’m afraid.

ilovelamp82 · 01/12/2023 04:29

Go out yourself tonight. Or maybe go one better and just book yourself a little hotel and get a whole interrupted nights sleep. (maybe 2). You will come back feeling much better and he can have an understanding that while it is important that you both go out, 2 nights in a row till the wee hours when you've specifically asked him not too as you have a 4 month old is not on really.

SunRainStorm · 01/12/2023 04:37

Fidgety31 · 30/11/2023 23:23

I wouldn’t see two nights out with friends as an issue . He shouldn’t have to have your permission either .
You should go out with your friends too. You both need chill out time away for the house /kids . Nothing wrong with that .

It's not about permission - he can't go out unless someone else cares for their small children.

He presumed to spend her time for her, on himself.

Didn't ask if she would cover for him all night, twice. Didn't thank her. Didn't apologise.

What if she'd similarly decided to fuck off all night without 'permission'?

Rosiiee · 01/12/2023 04:43

Yikes. Two nights in a row? No. 4am home time? Big no. I’d be annoyed! So not cool of him to do that knowing you’re struggling and exhausted. I like to think I’m not that petty but mine would be getting the cold shoulders for days!

AngelAurora · 01/12/2023 05:46

You're not his mother, you said he could go just so you can then moan about it.

AngelAurora · 01/12/2023 05:50

NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:50

We have a 4 month old baby! It’s not a curfew haha it’s asking to be home to help as it’s bloody hard work

Edited

And how can he help, you are EBF?

How would you cope if you were a single mum?

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