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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH going out. Overreacting?

69 replies

NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:11

Am I overreacting?

Have a 3 year old, 4 month old.
Husband went out the other night after work with a friend and didn’t get home will 1.30am and drunk. The next night he went to an event and didn’t come back till 4am.
Both times I said he could go out but make sure you are home at a reasonable time so I don’t have to deal with the kids wake ups by myself. By this I mean 10pm-ish

Both kids wake during the night and I ended up with both in my bed, hot and unable to sleep all night.

I was fuming this morning. I always confront issues head on and immediately but I’m exhausted of always being the one talking and solving everything and I’m bored of feeling like a nag! I waited for an apology, explanation etc… I got nothing. He was being nice but didn’t mention anything, as if he wasn’t even out till 4am, leaving me to deal with nights alone for 2 nights. He knows I wouldn’t have got much sleep.

All day he knows I’m upset but instead of speaking to me about it he does other things like make me coffee, sort my bed out etc. Unless I speak about it, he won’t won’t say anything. I know it sounds petty me not saying anything but I just thought for once he would communicate with me first but unless I make the initial opening then he won’t deal with the issue. No apology, no asking how the kids were last night. Nothing. I’m fuming. Am I over reacting?

btw - he’s not hiding anything dodgy as I know all the people he was out with and where.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 01/12/2023 06:44

@AngelAurora Jesus, is fhis the standard we should apply to a man's contribution? As long as it's the same as if he wasn't even there, it's fine.

CwmYoy · 01/12/2023 06:58

I see the cool wives are out in force.

Of course he was being a prick. Two nights in a row is one too many.

Selfish prick.

Rosiiee · 01/12/2023 07:11

@CwmYoy and the ‘cool wives’ would no doubt be piling it on a mum who behaved the same! ‘What do you mean you left your kids two nights in a row to go drinking? Why did you even have kids then?’. The double standard of it all drives me bonkers!

And before I hear another ‘how do you think single mums do it?’, I’ve been a single mum for the first 4 years of my older’s life so I know how it goes….

yellowgecko · 01/12/2023 07:16

My DH did this once on an agreed night out. Didn't come home until 4am. I was livid. Did the whole 'I am so disappointed in you' and He hasn't done it since. I went out the next day and let him deal with the kids and his hangover.

It's not the lateness, or even 2 nights in a row, it's saying you'll be home at certain time and then not. What if the baby was sick? What if there was a fire? There are 2 responsible parents for their children in this situation, it's not all on the OP.

It's about being responsible as a parent. What if OP went out and didn't tell DH where she is / when she's back? That's not on is it.

You need to talk to him OP. Yes it's shit that you're the one that has to do it, yes it's shit he doesn't see it. He probably does see it and is hoping you won't say anything because he knows he's been a dick.

Nicole1111 · 01/12/2023 07:39

AngelAurora · 01/12/2023 05:50

And how can he help, you are EBF?

How would you cope if you were a single mum?

Show quote history

I imagine he could have helped with the 3 year old who also wakes in the night?
Also she’s not a single mum is she so why does she need to cope alone? By that logic I shouldn’t ask my husband to do any housework because he might leave me or die one day.

Nicole1111 · 01/12/2023 07:41

NewBabyGirl2020 · 30/11/2023 23:11

Am I overreacting?

Have a 3 year old, 4 month old.
Husband went out the other night after work with a friend and didn’t get home will 1.30am and drunk. The next night he went to an event and didn’t come back till 4am.
Both times I said he could go out but make sure you are home at a reasonable time so I don’t have to deal with the kids wake ups by myself. By this I mean 10pm-ish

Both kids wake during the night and I ended up with both in my bed, hot and unable to sleep all night.

I was fuming this morning. I always confront issues head on and immediately but I’m exhausted of always being the one talking and solving everything and I’m bored of feeling like a nag! I waited for an apology, explanation etc… I got nothing. He was being nice but didn’t mention anything, as if he wasn’t even out till 4am, leaving me to deal with nights alone for 2 nights. He knows I wouldn’t have got much sleep.

All day he knows I’m upset but instead of speaking to me about it he does other things like make me coffee, sort my bed out etc. Unless I speak about it, he won’t won’t say anything. I know it sounds petty me not saying anything but I just thought for once he would communicate with me first but unless I make the initial opening then he won’t deal with the issue. No apology, no asking how the kids were last night. Nothing. I’m fuming. Am I over reacting?

btw - he’s not hiding anything dodgy as I know all the people he was out with and where.

You’re not over reacting. It’s hard to be understanding two nights in a row, especially when you’re sleep deprived. The lack of acknowledgement about the impact his actions had on you also isn’t helping, as sometimes that and an apology is all you need.

napody · 01/12/2023 07:47

It's absolutely fine to tell him you're not happy, and ask him what he's gonna do over the weekend to give you some rest! Maybe if he takes them out for the day, or if EBF at least for a few hours (or take your eldest out if the 4 month old is low maintenance!)

napody · 01/12/2023 07:49

Nicole1111 · 01/12/2023 07:39

I imagine he could have helped with the 3 year old who also wakes in the night?
Also she’s not a single mum is she so why does she need to cope alone? By that logic I shouldn’t ask my husband to do any housework because he might leave me or die one day.

Show quote history

The 'what if you were a single mother' is the most annoying, misogynistic comment. It's a scandal that there are as many unsupported single mothers as there are. What if he was a single father?!

Maddy70 · 01/12/2023 07:52

You "let" him go out?

You wanted someone to be back at 10? I don't go out until then that's ridiculous

Honestly you're tired and emotional. He hasn't done anything wrong. But next weekend is your turn. He can handle everything, go and have some fun

user1471886287 · 01/12/2023 07:55

I don’t see a problem with it at all, I’ve never stoped my husband going out, but we do have friends wives who do this though and I just don’t understand it

Vinrouge4 · 01/12/2023 07:56

Can’t believe some of these replies. Parenting should be team work. If you want to live like a single bloke then don’t have kids. Some people on here seem to think the father’s contribution to
parenting stops at conception.

wildwestpioneer · 01/12/2023 08:01

I think both of you are bu in a small way. It's Christmas and he's a had a few nights out. It happens and it's good for 'his' mental health to have some down time with friends. But you did ask him for help last night, I presume he agreed to the 10pm request, so to just ignore it and carry on as normal is also unreasonable.

I think I'd calm down a bit, then later explain to him that you're tired, felt he'd ignored the 10pm request, and he needs to enable you to rest, catch up on sleep and make sure he more than pulls his weight for the weekend.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/12/2023 08:02

I had 2 toddlers and a baby and DH worked 7, 12 hour night shifts in a row every 5 weeks (Police) so I am very much of the "you just gotta get through it" as my baby didn't sleep more than 2 hours till she was 14 months.

However.......

If DH agrees to be back by 11pm I'd be raging at not being home till 4am. DH used to do that, and we had so many rows until finally it seemed to click in his head. Now he's much more respectful.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 01/12/2023 08:07

Can't believe how many of you feel it's OK for your DP to go out two nights on the trot, coming home drunk at 4am when you have a 4 month old. Have more respect for yourselves and set the bar higher.

In the newborn stage it's all hands on deck, especially if you have another child who is still waking up. I'm happy to be in the camp of women who expect more from our partners.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 01/12/2023 08:24

LongLiveGoblingKing · 01/12/2023 08:07

Can't believe how many of you feel it's OK for your DP to go out two nights on the trot, coming home drunk at 4am when you have a 4 month old. Have more respect for yourselves and set the bar higher.

In the newborn stage it's all hands on deck, especially if you have another child who is still waking up. I'm happy to be in the camp of women who expect more from our partners.

If it was 2 nights, every week, for 4 months I'd be pissed.

If it was 2 nights, for the first time since baby was born I'd be fine about it. 4 months isn't exactly newborn stage is it.

CwmYoy · 01/12/2023 09:04

LongLiveGoblingKing · 01/12/2023 08:07

Can't believe how many of you feel it's OK for your DP to go out two nights on the trot, coming home drunk at 4am when you have a 4 month old. Have more respect for yourselves and set the bar higher.

In the newborn stage it's all hands on deck, especially if you have another child who is still waking up. I'm happy to be in the camp of women who expect more from our partners.

I'm staggered at how low some posters set the bar.

No self respect at all.

stealthninjamum · 01/12/2023 09:08

How often does he go out? If he generally goes out once a month then two nights in a row - while not ideal - wouldn’t be an issue for me, especially at this time of year when there are more invitations. If he was going out twice a week then I would be bothered.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 01/12/2023 09:22

I'm with you, op. Why men get to check out of the early months to have 2 nights out on the trot is ridiculous. My husband was there to let me sleep in on nights I was struggling. The time to go out and get pissed comes back again. He can come home early for a few months of his life🙄

Freakinfraser · 01/12/2023 09:28

I’m not with you either, I’d hate for my husband to tell me I had to be back by a certain time, and then be fuming, I’d feel like he was my dad. On the other hand, I understand it is annoying , but as long as he supports where possible the rest of the time, where possible since your ebf, I’d be ok with it.

its important not to turn your marriage into a war of control. Try to support each other,and that includes allowing the other to do things they want to, inc going out. It doesn’t sound like he does this daily or even weekly. And he’s being supportive now. So for me, it would be hope you’d a lovely time.

Freakinfraser · 01/12/2023 09:29

CwmYoy · 01/12/2023 09:04

I'm staggered at how low some posters set the bar.

No self respect at all.

Show quote history

No self respect as you can cope with two kids and think each partner should get time out to do things they enjoy?

ok..

labamba007 · 01/12/2023 09:31

@Freakinfraser don't sleep tonight and don't sleep tomorrow night either. And report back how you are on Sunday. Then you'll probably get it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/12/2023 09:31

Lost me at I said he could go.

I’m guessing these are Christmas events and not the norm? Make sure you get some time to yourself in return.

My husband worked away all week, every week and I dealt with the kids every day. Don’t see the issue.

Freakinfraser · 01/12/2023 09:36

labamba007 · 01/12/2023 09:31

@Freakinfraser don't sleep tonight and don't sleep tomorrow night either. And report back how you are on Sunday. Then you'll probably get it.

I have kids. As do many of us on here. I also have a husband. We all get it. What do you think is happening, a bunch of childless women are responding? How embarrassing for you

Original poster
NewBabyGirl2020 · 01/12/2023 09:38

Thank you for all your replies. Some of them really made me chuckle 😆

@AngelAurora I am not a single mum, so I don’t see why I have to parent as if I was one. Yes, he can’t breastfeed the baby 😂 but he can deal with the toddler that wakes multiple times in the night!

None of these nights out were Christmas or work do’s. Just social.

I really have never minded DH going out and it being late, but we have a baby, and it’s the lack of communication, not telling me where he was, and doing it two nights on the trot when he knew I was already exhausted.

This morning, he finally apologised. Said he was being selfish and not thinking of me or the family! Oh what a luxury to be a father, imagine a mother saying that 🫣 He then booked me in to get my nails done tomorrow while he takes the kids to soft play. So he realise he was being a selfish dick, apologised (a day late may I add 😆) and said he’s realised he can’t do these late nights and leave me by myself as it’s not fair.

Really appreciate all you lovely ladies!

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 09:43

You’ll get a load of cool wives being like “so what’s the problem?”

But honestly… I would never do and neither would my DH but we have the same view /value system. I don’t think our friends with kids would do this or think it’s okay either…

As context, we have fairly active social lives compared to most with small kids. One of us out one night pw until Xmas (I’m out 2 one week) but it’s not unusual and we have several joint events in dec too.

however, unless discussed and agreed and it’s something weird and special we don’t just “turn up” at 4am.
we are home by 11/12 and while not sober no one is legless and both can get up and do baby things at 6.30 / 7 and go to work even if it’s a struggle.
because we try to be are a team and responsible adults.