How can I fix me and DH?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I don't want to leave but feel really negative sometimes about our marriage.

We have been married 10y, 3 DC. I have a "big job" and work long hours/ away. Earn about 85% of household income. DH works 0.5 for a charity and does a lot of childcare, the food shop, laundry, life admin. I tend to do DIY. I think we have a reasonable balance of responsibilities.

But. DH has an absolutely pathological inability to take initiative on things. Especially his own health. And it's really pushing us to the limit.

There's several things.

About 3y ago, when our twins were toddlers, DH got some app on his phone that went off, loudly at 4.30 every morning. Woke us both up - he got back to sleep - I couldn't. Daft, right? I asked him to please uninstall or mute it, as it was waking me up 90 mins early every day, at a time when we had broken sleep due to 2.5yo twins, and I was doing a head of dept role which was very emotionally draining.

He just... didn't. It went on for weeks until I broke and screamed at him in tears.

So that was fixed, but it's symptomatic. About 18 mos ago, he started snoring. Pretty normal for a guy in his mid 40s. Not too loud- but enough to wake me, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. Lost c 2h of sleep every night for months almost. Kept asking him to go to GP.... he just didn't seem to find time. Weeks and weeks passed. I was working 6d weeks in a new, senior role. One day I was at work on a Sat and felt so ill with tiredness I genuinely thought I might be having a stroke.

I went home that night and threatened to leave. He was shocked and horrified and promised to go to GP on the Mon - which he did. But the treatment isn't 100% effective and I now feel so stressed by sleeping with him - will I get any sleep tonight, won't I, etc- that I now sleep in the living rm on a blow up camping mattress. I don't like it and it's not super comfy but at least it is quiet. But I'll admit I feel resentful.

Then there is sex. Or, rather, there isn't. DH has a chronic prostate issue. I knew this when we got together. He can't always get an erection and/sex can hurt. But we managed fine in the early days, and did other stuff, both happy. But since the twins were born, there's been nothing. At all. I'm mid 40s and haven't had sex since my late 30s. He could go to the dr about this, but doesn't

I really miss it. I think about it all the time. But tbh, with other men, as I just feel so upset with DH. I'd never cheat. But I want sex. But I feel so resentful I don't know if I could relax enough with him now.

That all sounds awful, doesn't it? But I don't want to leave. We have 3 children. We have a nice, if intense, family life. We work as a team, with me supporting financially and practically, and him running the family home. I don't want to tear that apart. And we make each other laugh, and have 10+ years of memories, jokes, shared stuff. He's a good man. I don't want to lose it all.

But I want a normal life where I sleep in an actual bed and don't have to be celibate.

God that was long. I cannot tell anyone this in real life though. I think people incl family look at us and think, 3 lovely children, amazing hands on dad, mum with high flying career, all happy... I can't confide in friends and family about this stuff.

Hiw do I fix it? I don't want to spend my 40s and 50s like this.

Dear God that really was a whopper. Virtual glass of something cold to anyone struggled thru to the end!!

I read it all :-D

What would he do or say if you told him this:

I want a normal life where I sleep in an actual bed and don't have to be celibate.

Have you had conversations about what you need to change in your relationship? Is there any sign he’s on board?

There are no good outcomes for you unless he changes. If you leave he will be entitled to a large slice of your income/wealth and most likely be the primary carer of the children. If you stay you will be miserable.

Would he agree to counselling?

If sex can hurt it can cause a whole raft of problems.

(I'm female and I have gynae issues and it's often painful for me).

Having pain during sex completely kills desire for me.

I'd suggest trying to talk to him about it, but going very much from the I want both of us to enjoy it perspective. You might find that difficult to start with as a certain amount of experimentation is needed and he'll need a lot of emotional support to be prepared to try it.

Be careful not to come across like my Ex did - I know it hurts you but I need it so you'll just have to put up with it. Won't go down well.

I read it all, you sound so weary. When resentments build it can be so hard on a relationship. I think it is time you talk long term solutions: a blow up mattress is not it will lead to a bad back etc, so could you buy a good sofa bed and maybe he use it half the time? Talk about intimacy, how you want to be desired by the man you are in a relationship with and how its making you feel.

My DP and I had a very active love life until he reached his late sixties and then almost overnight it disappeared and whilst I believed I had been ready for ill-health eventualities that would affect it actually I wasn’t ready and didn’t feel cherished/desired/beautiful which he used to make me feel and I couldn’t help deep sadness. We communicated, and now kiss and cuddle plenty even though we do nothing else.

Can you get a bedroom on your own. That will solve the sleeping thing if you can and a good night sleep makes a big difference.

About the sex, that's more tricky, does he fancy you? Sometimes routine kills the spark and his prostate issues may be the exact excuse he needs to not have it.
You said you miss sex but not with him, do you still fancy him?
I suppose you need a long honest talk to see if you can recover the spark.

Snoring, no sex and bloody unattended alarms are the opposite of sexy, I know how you feel.

Tackle the sleep first have you got enough money to convert the loft into a bedroom or get an extension for you to have a bedroom? If not husband should be doing alternate nights on the camper bed. Once you start getting proper sleep address the other issues.

As others have said, a separate bedroom will fix some issues. Being tired constantly will make you resent him.
Fix that first.

Hi, thanks everyone.

So we don't have plans to convert the house but we are moving in around 4-6 mos. I want us to get a 5bed house which we'll struggle to afford or give me a "slice" of a room downstairs so I can have a proper, permanent bed set up, not a day bed or sofa bed.

I feel resentful that I work so hard to support us but am the only one in the house without a proper bed.

He is the snorer who does nothing about it, so he gets the blow up bed.

@OneLollipop and @Keeva2017

I have tried. He gets all down and defeated and says, I know, I wish it wasn't like this. I'll say, why don't you go to the GP and see if it can be helped? He'll say, there's nothing they can do, I've googled. I'll say, right, but you're not a dr! Just ask! He'll say, well, I'll try. And then either doesn't or is no. 1556589 in the queue and gives up.

He'll say he feels down and unattractive. I'll say, but you don't try and fix it, and I don't want to nag you, bc there is nothing less sexy than nagging someone around intimacy.

I read it x

Does he ever offer to sleep on the day bed? I know this is not a solution long term but interested in his actions to look after you too.

I think it maybe that he doesn't realise the impact this is having on you and like the issue with the snoring it needs spelling out very clearly

I would suggest a GP appointment together and then couples counselling to work through your resentment and what you need to be able to move forward together

The foundations are still there so it's saveable x

So, you're the fixer in this relationship? And you want to carry on fixing?

Not an ad - can I recommend Cocoon Sleeping sofa beds to replace whatever you have in your lounge and one of you sleep on that long term? Extremely comfy and they always have sales so wait for the next sale. Life changing.

@Octavia64 and @LadyGwendoline

Yes I totally don't want him to be in pain, but I also need him to do something, show willing in some way. I mean, I haven't had sex for 6 years, it's not like I'm being impatient!

As to whether we fancy each other - this mught be the problem. I feel so resentful I don't feel that towards him now. It seems like a massive chore for him, and that makes me feel like utter shit.

What also annoys me is I've done a huge job of work on myself. During the pandemic I put on weight and got very stressed, working v v long hours. Since, I've made a huge effort and now do at-home yoga every night, go to the gym at lunch, eat very clean. I look toned and strong and have a BMI of 22.5. I also had a mild pelvic floor issue after the twins but have worked super hard with a physio to re-build my core.

So I kinda feel like, I had issues but I tackled them head on. And he's not willing to do the same, despite having 2 days a week free where the kids are at school, I'm at work but he's off. He totally has time to see a GP, male health specialist, or whatever.

He just.... doesn't. And my life is passing me by.

So, what of the mixture is most keeping you from sleeping?

• using an airbed that is not that comfy
• husband's snoring (sometimes)
• being anxious about whether he will snore when you most need sleep
• 3 kids under age XX
• stressful job with long hours, possible move with attendant worries
• resenting husband, thinking he is not understanding the demands of the day job, that he's not making the effort he could do, and frustrated re. sex life; so unable to relax.

He can do more than he is, but my sense is that he couldn't fix all of this.
There is a little bit of a feeling of you blaming him for his health, and a few other things that could be improved too (e.g. take the phone out of the bedroom and charge it up where you can't hear it; it's healthier).
Are either of you happy or hopeful?

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff it sounds awful. Have you let him know how serious this is for you? That you are considering (even abstractly) ending the marriage? Maybe this would be what he needs to change.

Maybe as a start say he needs to sleep on the camp bed unless he goes to GP to sort snoring?

Would he go back to work FT?

He sounds like he’s coming from a position of being a victim of what is happening and feeling helpless and having a lack of agency. This is very frustrating for those around him particularly when you sound like someone who doesn’t feel helpless but knows that when there are issues you have the power to change things.

it really is going to take him deciding to take charge and learn that he is not helpless after all but an adult with agency over his own life. But you cannot do this for him. That will just reinforce his position of being helpless and you being the one with power.

im sorry for you as you are in this situation with no power to change how he is. But you do have agency over yourself and can do whatever you need to do.

Well, alternate nights on the blowup bed for a start - it'll help incentivise going to the gp if he's uncomfortable too. Or get a decent sofa bed for the living room.

Otherwise, reallocate the bedrooms now, so maybe the kids share.

Not ideal, but they are kids and they probably benefit more from happier rested parents whose marriage might survive than individual bedrooms.

OP if you are to get anywhere you really need to be more forthright with him. When you threatened to leave him before over the alarm issue he sat up and took notice and did something about it.
Unfortunately it looks like you will have to spell it out to him that if things don't change you will indeed have to separate. Then tackle the issues one at a time. The separate rooms will happen when you move but that won't help the lack of sex. He really needs to see his GP and l would be very firm about it, tell him how sad you feel about lack of intimacy and as a pp said consider couples counselling.
You say he is a good man and you dont want to leave him. l'm sure he doesn't want that either so try to persuade him this can be solved together, but he has to be willing to try.

Sorry, read your OP a bit more carefully. I see you've already threatened to leave. I would guess that he is unlikely to radically change. So the hard fact is that you have to accept things (more or less) as they are, or split. Your reasons for not splitting do not sound that convincing to me (not much about your actual, current relationship, more about practicalities and a shared past), but they may be more so for you. If it's a loving, caring relationship apart from the lack of sex and initiative, that's one thing, but it sounds more steeped in resentment than anything else.

Only you know how bad this feels for you, and what you're willing to put up with. Perhaps if you seriously contemplate leaving (and communicate this to him) he would realise things really, truly cannot carry on like this. Whereas at the moment you're saying you need a 'fix', otherwise you'll... stay?

Another thing could be whether he/you would consider an open marriage?

Why is it you solely that has to sleep on an air mattress? Why can’t he half of the week? Have you discussed this?

can the children share a room for the short term until you move house? That way you could at least have a proper bed and space to sleep.

Is there not a better paid part time job he can take to help with the financial burden? For example in the private sector?

But I don't want to leave. We have 3 children. We have a nice, if intense, family life. We work as a team, with me supporting financially and practically, and him running the family home. I don't want to tear that apart. And we make each other laugh, and have 10+ years of memories, jokes, shared stuff. He's a good man. I don't want to lose it all.

But I want a normal life where I sleep in an actual bed and don't have to be celibate.

Life is about tough choices sometimes.

You sound very driven, the way you sorted yourself out physically is admirable, but it may be this is a situation that you can't fix to have the best of everything.

You can only choose want you want and choose what you will have to give up.

If you don't want to leave a relationship in which the other person isn't interested in you being happy, then you're going to have to settle for being unhappy. You can't fix this, because you're not the broken part, and one adult can't be responsible for another.

Tell him what you've told us, and ask him, straight out, what he suggests that you do, as a couple, to fix it.