How can I fix me and DH?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I don't want to leave but feel really negative sometimes about our marriage.

We have been married 10y, 3 DC. I have a "big job" and work long hours/ away. Earn about 85% of household income. DH works 0.5 for a charity and does a lot of childcare, the food shop, laundry, life admin. I tend to do DIY. I think we have a reasonable balance of responsibilities.

But. DH has an absolutely pathological inability to take initiative on things. Especially his own health. And it's really pushing us to the limit.

There's several things.

About 3y ago, when our twins were toddlers, DH got some app on his phone that went off, loudly at 4.30 every morning. Woke us both up - he got back to sleep - I couldn't. Daft, right? I asked him to please uninstall or mute it, as it was waking me up 90 mins early every day, at a time when we had broken sleep due to 2.5yo twins, and I was doing a head of dept role which was very emotionally draining.

He just... didn't. It went on for weeks until I broke and screamed at him in tears.

So that was fixed, but it's symptomatic. About 18 mos ago, he started snoring. Pretty normal for a guy in his mid 40s. Not too loud- but enough to wake me, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. Lost c 2h of sleep every night for months almost. Kept asking him to go to GP.... he just didn't seem to find time. Weeks and weeks passed. I was working 6d weeks in a new, senior role. One day I was at work on a Sat and felt so ill with tiredness I genuinely thought I might be having a stroke.

I went home that night and threatened to leave. He was shocked and horrified and promised to go to GP on the Mon - which he did. But the treatment isn't 100% effective and I now feel so stressed by sleeping with him - will I get any sleep tonight, won't I, etc- that I now sleep in the living rm on a blow up camping mattress. I don't like it and it's not super comfy but at least it is quiet. But I'll admit I feel resentful.

Then there is sex. Or, rather, there isn't. DH has a chronic prostate issue. I knew this when we got together. He can't always get an erection and/sex can hurt. But we managed fine in the early days, and did other stuff, both happy. But since the twins were born, there's been nothing. At all. I'm mid 40s and haven't had sex since my late 30s. He could go to the dr about this, but doesn't

I really miss it. I think about it all the time. But tbh, with other men, as I just feel so upset with DH. I'd never cheat. But I want sex. But I feel so resentful I don't know if I could relax enough with him now.

That all sounds awful, doesn't it? But I don't want to leave. We have 3 children. We have a nice, if intense, family life. We work as a team, with me supporting financially and practically, and him running the family home. I don't want to tear that apart. And we make each other laugh, and have 10+ years of memories, jokes, shared stuff. He's a good man. I don't want to lose it all.

But I want a normal life where I sleep in an actual bed and don't have to be celibate.

God that was long. I cannot tell anyone this in real life though. I think people incl family look at us and think, 3 lovely children, amazing hands on dad, mum with high flying career, all happy... I can't confide in friends and family about this stuff.

Hiw do I fix it? I don't want to spend my 40s and 50s like this.

Thanks everyone. @Watchkeys I am afraid you're right. I have said before about being unhappy and he sort of wibbles and says he wishes it wasn't this way.

I haven't pushed harder bc I feel like that's blackmailing him into sex.

But I have said things like, I am not going to leave you on your own with the kids but I am very unhappy bc XYZ.

And he just kind of looks sorrowful or sometimes gets defensive. However, zero responsibility or initiative.

His line seems to be, it's not his fault. Mine is yes but only you can solve it.

OP I’m afraid it seems clear that he’s not going to do anything if it means you’re staying regardless.

So the only option is for you to threaten to leave, as before, as that’s the only thing that worked (a very sad state of affairs in its own right ). The question is: would that be an empty threat? Are you willing to seriously consider it, or would you rather accept your own unhappiness for the ‘good of the family’? A very personal choice, but I will say that people don’t seem to thank their mothers for that kind of self-sacrifice in future. Children do benefit from their mothers being happy.

Would advise he gets checked for sleep apnea. My dh said my snoring was awful and I woke up gasping for air. Few appointments and simple at home sleep studies later got a mouth appliance, life changer!

As for other aspects, more difficult, as with any relationship issues. The good old talk, be pro active to change things etc. X

@Jeannie88 not sure if you've read the thread - the whole problem is OP’s DH is not proactive to change things at all! And won’t go to the GP.

@Dingdong2323 so recently I got a new job which is 3.5h away. I wfh a couple of days a week and now commute and stay over 1-2 nights there.

Our children are quite distressed when I'm away. I'm not sure I could do that - leaving

And I am not unhappy generally. I am a.very energetic, positive person - I go to the gym, see friends, read etc..
It is just this part of the relationship.

Argh!!! I hope it's clear why it's so hard.

And I do feel a bit blackmailed here too, like he's put me in a situation where it's give up your family and house versus never feel touched or desired again.

That's a hard choice at 44.

You’re too young to be sex free, and you’ve already been that for years.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff I do understand, but would it definitely be a question of leaving them all? Could you not share custody of DC? Or would that be impossible with your work?

I can see you’re in a difficult position. I hope your DH can see how important this is and how crucial it is that he changes. Would he let you seek sex outside of the relationship, do you think?

Sounds like you're just incompatible. You're much more high flying and he's content to let things go, very passive. I'm not sure that's a recipe for success in the end?

Firstly you need a bed and some sleep, have you tried ear plugs. Think you will feel less irritated if you manage to get some good sleep every night. You need to speak to your husband about how to fix it. You can't make rational decisions without sleep.
Once you get sleep look at fixing the sex problem, could find ways around it once your both in the zone. xx

Also sounds like husband carries the mental load, do you do much to help him.

@gotmychristmasmiracle yes I do. DH does routine stuff that happens every week - laundry, food shop - but doesn't do anything requiring initiative, so I do stuff like sort all Xmas presents, plan any work to the house, book tradesmen, dentist appts and vaccines for kids, sort holiday plans etc.

Also most of the cleaning as although he is weirdly obsessive abt some household stuff - e.g. carefully sorting laundry - he doesn't hoover or clean bathroom.

Wow 'he doesn't do anything that requires initiative' does this guy have anything positive about him apart from the memories.

Yes the update is making it seem even worse tbh. It’s clear you need to shake things up at the very least.
Would he agree to couples therapy?

If you did decide to separate what would that look like? Would it actually be better to think about a more flexible, less high flying job so you could be there for the children more? It sounds like you need him to facilitate your current set up, but is that set up actually working for you? It might actually be in your best interest to take a step back and look at how you can make things work for you - not necessarily as a first option but so you know that you do have options.

@Dingdong2323 I have suggested therapy before - he says he doesn't think it is that bad and we make a good team.

@gotmychristmasmiracle yes of course. He supports a lot by having the kids and running the house when I am away. He is a great dad, very hands-on and creative. He is very bright and thoughtful.

@Sundaefraise it would be very hard to move jobs. I work in a not super well paid but highly competitive and niche profession. There are only a few jobs in the whole country in my specific role and I am.one of the more senior. I would have to change careers completely and I've worked hard in this field for 15y.

If we did separate, it would probably be me getting a small flat close to work and DH remaining in the family home. I'd return home at weekends.

I don't think it'd be good for the children, I'd miss them, and I don't think DH would manage well if on his own - he's great with the kids but not the house so it'd go to hell. Also I just don't want my marriage to fail. I like being married - I don't want to be divorced.

I sleep separately from my husband and it's the best thing ever! 8 hours of sleep most nights and not angry at him every single night. We still go to bed together and cuddle in the morning but I go to spare room to actually sleep. We both. Prefer it this way now.

The sex part is more difficult. I think you need to give him ultimatum. Either he tries harder or you have open relationship. You shouldn't put up with it. That's no way to live.

I seriously think you can sort it out. But he needs to try harder

You might have to stop looking at it as whose 'fault' it is. He is how he is: not faulty. You are how you are not faulty. However, you are not happy with his ways. There is nothing to correct. If you choose to stay, you choose to be unhappy. It's up to you, not him.

I'd insist on psychosexual counselling as an absolute essential to keeping the marriage going.

I'd also insist on one week on one week off the downstairs mattress

Try the above for 6 months

Great post @Watchkeys. I feel a bit unsure what you want, OP - you want him to change but that’s not up to you, ultimately. You want something different but you won’t consider separation. So it seems to be an impasse.

I have suggested therapy before - he says he doesn't think it is that bad and we make a good team.

But it is that bad, from your point of view. So tell him!

He appears to look on therapy as a punishment - it’s not. You need to frame it as ‘I want to stay married. I love you. I love our family together. I do not want to be divorced. But there are issues we need help to work through, and make a plan, without me feeling like a nag and you feeling like it’s your ‘fault’. I want us to go to counselling to explore how to make our marriage rock solid. Will you come with me?’

In terms of the house etc, if you've got this high-flying career - can you not afford a cleaner?

I mean you have these (perfectly valid) resentments about sleeping on the blow-up bed and picking up the cleaning, but you haven't seemed particularly receptive to practical solutions. If he should be doing the cleaning, but he isn't, and he should be offering to sleep on the blow-up bed, but he isn't - but rather than either confronting or finding alternative solutions, it seems like you're accepting some kind of angry martyrdom instead.

Separate the issues -

Lac of sleep. The kids share and your DH takes a room or else bunks in with the kids.

Sex - tiredness, habit, health.

Resentmebt. You work long hours presumably in a job you life involving staying away a couple of nights and previously six day weeks yet you have time for daily yoga, gym and meeting friends? You clean the bathrooms and do the life admin tasks.

Your DH works part time and takes the kids to their appts, sorts them for school and after school, does the rest of the housework and presumably cooking and does the day to day grunt work including laundry, supermarket and then spends time listening to the kid’s woes, helping with homework, taking them to their activities etc? Does he have any down time because watching kid’s tv and entertaining children is not down time.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH tbh. He must be well aware that you see him as a failure. You are also ‘managing’ him and goodness knows how this must make him feel. I’d find it controlling if DH was ordering me around.

If things won’t be done because your DH won’t do them without getting a schedule of events from you, let it go. Let the consequences happen. People will adjust and things will take shape by learning from mistakes. Stepping in and taking over is not helping. I would resent YOU terribly if I was married to you.

Take a lower paid job that gives you more time to balance with family? Do you have to maintain this lifestyle and do you have to put more financial pressure on yourself by upsizing? Is it really necessary? Or is it is just something you want and something you’d like?

@HarryOHayandBettyOBarley I don't see how I'm ordering him around 🤔 I mean, genuinely what in my posts has made you think that? Asking him to go to the GP to try and sort an issue after over 6y of no sex?

No, he doesn't get downtime enough. Equally, he doesn't take it. I "have time" for gym and yoga bc I get up at 5 or 5.30 the 3 days a week when DH does the school run, and do yoga every night after putting kids to bed. I take kids out on weekends with my friends. DH used to do choir, but has stopped as "he doesn't have time"- I keep saying, don't be silly, I'll do the kids one night a week, but he doesn't do it. I've stopped asking as cannot make him.

Anyhow thanks to this thread we had a big discussion last night.

@NoSquirrels I hadn't seen your post but funnily enough, I used almost exactly that language! I said that I didn't think it was fair to expect someone to remain indefinitely in a sexless marriage and I needed him to at least make an effort. I talked about an interview I once read with a soldier who had been badly injured and didn't have full sexual function but how he still paid his wife attention etc..

He said he thought there was a real primal fear in men of sexual failure, and how he didn't embark on solutions because what if they didn't work, and then we would be worse off.

I said no, we wouldn't, because at least I would know he cared enough to try!

We talked about getting a cleaner. I have suggested it before but he says no. He still doesn't want to, or counselling. But he will go to the GP about snoring and the other issues.

He said he felt I was out of love with him and he often felt there was no point trying.

Anybow, it is not fixed, but we had an honest discussion. We'll see

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff
It’s interesting that is what you took from my post. It sounds like you are intent on getting bigger and better things and your DH is failing you because he isn’t as ambitious/aspiring. I don’t think the problems are just down to him.