How can I fix me and DH?

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

I don't want to leave but feel really negative sometimes about our marriage.

We have been married 10y, 3 DC. I have a "big job" and work long hours/ away. Earn about 85% of household income. DH works 0.5 for a charity and does a lot of childcare, the food shop, laundry, life admin. I tend to do DIY. I think we have a reasonable balance of responsibilities.

But. DH has an absolutely pathological inability to take initiative on things. Especially his own health. And it's really pushing us to the limit.

There's several things.

About 3y ago, when our twins were toddlers, DH got some app on his phone that went off, loudly at 4.30 every morning. Woke us both up - he got back to sleep - I couldn't. Daft, right? I asked him to please uninstall or mute it, as it was waking me up 90 mins early every day, at a time when we had broken sleep due to 2.5yo twins, and I was doing a head of dept role which was very emotionally draining.

He just... didn't. It went on for weeks until I broke and screamed at him in tears.

So that was fixed, but it's symptomatic. About 18 mos ago, he started snoring. Pretty normal for a guy in his mid 40s. Not too loud- but enough to wake me, and then I couldn't get back to sleep. Lost c 2h of sleep every night for months almost. Kept asking him to go to GP.... he just didn't seem to find time. Weeks and weeks passed. I was working 6d weeks in a new, senior role. One day I was at work on a Sat and felt so ill with tiredness I genuinely thought I might be having a stroke.

I went home that night and threatened to leave. He was shocked and horrified and promised to go to GP on the Mon - which he did. But the treatment isn't 100% effective and I now feel so stressed by sleeping with him - will I get any sleep tonight, won't I, etc- that I now sleep in the living rm on a blow up camping mattress. I don't like it and it's not super comfy but at least it is quiet. But I'll admit I feel resentful.

Then there is sex. Or, rather, there isn't. DH has a chronic prostate issue. I knew this when we got together. He can't always get an erection and/sex can hurt. But we managed fine in the early days, and did other stuff, both happy. But since the twins were born, there's been nothing. At all. I'm mid 40s and haven't had sex since my late 30s. He could go to the dr about this, but doesn't

I really miss it. I think about it all the time. But tbh, with other men, as I just feel so upset with DH. I'd never cheat. But I want sex. But I feel so resentful I don't know if I could relax enough with him now.

That all sounds awful, doesn't it? But I don't want to leave. We have 3 children. We have a nice, if intense, family life. We work as a team, with me supporting financially and practically, and him running the family home. I don't want to tear that apart. And we make each other laugh, and have 10+ years of memories, jokes, shared stuff. He's a good man. I don't want to lose it all.

But I want a normal life where I sleep in an actual bed and don't have to be celibate.

God that was long. I cannot tell anyone this in real life though. I think people incl family look at us and think, 3 lovely children, amazing hands on dad, mum with high flying career, all happy... I can't confide in friends and family about this stuff.

Hiw do I fix it? I don't want to spend my 40s and 50s like this.

@HarryOHayandBettyOBarley he isn't "failing" to want bigger things. I honestly don't know how you got that? He is very supportive of my career.

Do you think I should sleep on a camping bed and never have sex? Is not wanting those things overly ambitious in your view? Would you accept that for yourself?. Genuine question

My post was in relation to your annoyance at HIM in general not the bedroom situation. which could have been easily rectified by asking him to sleep elsewhere instead of complaining about your lack of sleep.
The lack of sex is possibly down to lack of emotional intimacy as well as health issues. Why would he feel aroused by someone who has no respect for him?
You sound like very hard work.

You mention Prostate issues... he has had his PSA levels tested hasn't he?

Again, why doesn't he sleep on that bed and you in the bedroom sometimes?

Yes, I don't get why OP's ignoring this question/suggestion.

Either determined to be a martyr or he's a horrible guy who won't do it.

@stayathomegardener no bc he won't go to GP. Or at least, not in last 10y. He was diagnosed with a condition called chronic prostatitis about maybe 13-15y ago. I have a dim memory he went to see a dr when we were trying to conceive DD1, now nearly 9, but cannot remember what they did.

@Nanny0gg and @category12 sorry not trying to ignore, a lot of people have made lengthy points on this thread and probably have missed some!

I have asked him before and he theoretically agrees we should swap, but it never in practice happens. And then I kinda just never chase or push it.

I definitely don't want to be a martyr! My parents were like that and I hated it. Instead, I try to say my piece clearly but respectfully. He generally sorta agrees or deflects, but then as per PP, doesn't follow through.

You are almost certainly right I could have pushed that harder. I guess, he clearly didn't want to, things weren't great betwn us, and it sort of felt like punishing him/making a point. So beyond mentioning it, I've never demanded iyswim.

Anyhow I think the conversation last night that I mentioned helped somewhat. I don't agree with every single point made on this thread, but I'm really grateful to everyone who posted as I was feeling very stuck and it's helped unblock something, I think.

Just say "from now on, we're alternating - you're on the camp bed tonight, I'll be on it tomorrow. "

Start tonight.

At least then it's fairer so less for you to resent, (and he'll be seeing some consequences of not addressing the snoring).

Oh, and we agreed very clearly last night that when we move, hopefully in a few months, it will be a priority to sort out a perm bed for me.

One of the most helpful pts for me on this thread has been to separate the issues out.

So, let's say I can have my own bed in a few months. That means I can sleep comfortably. And I won't have a long commute. Then, we can work on nurturing intimacy again. If we disentangle.those things it might help.

His not always working snoring treatment, is it a C pap machine? My dh was a terrible snorer, I feel your pain, lack of sleep is awful. The cpap was a game changer. He needed a few tweaks, a smaller mask and a new tube; and a bit of getting used to, but he feels better and more energetic for getting better sleep. As do I.

It did take several gp appointments before he was referred to the sleep clinic at our local hospital.

Sounds like that's a really good start op - hope you continue to be able to communicate and a solution evolves

chronic prostatitis - he definitely needs to back go the GP about this, there are several treatments available for this.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/prostatitis/

@LuckyCharmz no it is a nasal spray - steroidal? I think? It works as long as he doesn't have a cold or isn't too tired, but given that we have 3 young DC, one or other of those things is often the case

Anyhow off the back of last night he re-ordered the spray off the online prescription wotsit. He had stopped taking it entirely on the logic that, if it doesn't always work, why bother at all
That was one of the things that got to me. But he is now after getting it again, so let's see,!