Hand washing - am I being unreasonable?

[Doglover321]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my boyfriend on and off for two years now. Hygiene and hand washing has frequently been an issue, with him doing things like refusing to wash his hands after using public toilets for a number 2. We spent a week in Blackpool together and fell out because of his lack of hand washing. I told him that he would make us sick one of these days. Then, about 5 months later, we went to Benidorm together for 2 weeks. He caught norovirus and then I caught it off him 2 days later and it ruined my holiday. I was bed-bound for over a week! I am 26 and prior to this experience, I had not had a proper tummy bug since I was 9-years-old.

Despite how unwell we were in Benidorm, he is still refusing to wash his hands. We were having a lovely time at a local pub when he came back to the table with unwashed hands. He tried lying about washing them before eventually fessing up! I told him to please go back and wash them. He refused and said going back in would make him look like a drug dealer?

And then on a different occasion we went to the cinema together. We were sat there enjoying hotdogs and sharing a bag of popcorn when he decided to touch the very bottom of his shoe while eating these finger foods. The film had just started. I told him to quickly go and wash his hands before continuing to share popcorn with me. He refused, before calling me obsessive in front of the audience. I ended up walking out.

After this incident, we went to our local pub together where he touched the bottom of his shoe again before trying to lie about it when I asked him to wash his hands because we were eating.

Then, we were in IKEA together yesterday. He was touching absolutely everything, and I mean everything. Every doorknob, every oven knob, every touchscreen. Literally everything he could see. Which is absolutely fine. But I asked him to wash his hands because we were about to head to the cinema to see the same film we were meant to see before and he had such a negative attitude and started raising his voice at me in IKEA. Apparently it wasn’t convenient because the toilet was on a different level and we were near the place cutlery might have been and he wanted to get cutlery for the house.

He reassures me he now washes his hands at work, but I am doubtful since he’s still telling me he wouldn’t have washed his hands if he was in IKEA alone.

I just think it’s selfish when we live together and I don’t think my hand washing expectations are particularly unreasonable. I don’t actually wash my hands after using the loo at home. I only wash them when handling rubbish or touching a bin (he won’t wash his hands after touching the bin that the rubbish man has just emptied either), when I’m about to chop veggies or handle meat/after handling raw meat, after touching a lift button, trolley or shop door before eating finger foods. That sort of thing. Oh and we also have a no shoes in the house rule. I’ve done my research and he’s been sent and read so many articles by now that I just don’t know what to do!! Have been trying to educate him on the importance of hand washing and he still doesn’t understand it. Someone help haha x

Sod that. You know what to do...

How do you know the norovius in Benidorm was caused by his lack of handwashing?

You do sound a bit over the top, I wouldn't wash my hands in Ikea either, or after touching a lift button or a shop door. I do wash them after using the loo though!

That's revolting but why don't you wash your hands after the loo, that's grim, practice what you preach.

Your relationship resembles that of a parent and naughty child, not lovers. He has disgusting habits but you can't change him if he doesn't want to change.

I wash them after using a public loo. I have a weak bladder and if I was washing them every time at home then my hands would be very sore! But I get what you mean. I just think public loos are dirtier. All those people who have touched the flush, door lock, etc. before me and me not knowing whether they were ill with something that I could catch (I like to minimise the risk!)

Absolutely disgusting! Would even be around him never mind share food 🤮

Yanbu (except for not washing your own hands after the loo that's gross) but you can't be in a relationship with someone so disgusting. Problem is that in a relationship with someone with a proper attitude to hygiene, you will be the disgusting one unless you add lavatory use to yoir list of when to wash hands.
I get the problem with over-washing but you just need a good handcream to use after washing and drying.

I completely understand how awful this is to live with…

My ex liked to stroke my face with such hands, that had been in the toilet, bin, continually shoved in mouth, nose discreetly picked, head scratched… days of not being washed… by then I could smell them as they approached my face and involuntarily recoiled.

This is how many dangerous diseases are spread, and colds and flus, although unpleasant, are the least of them.

Sex was off the table in this situation.

For a long time, I talked, cajoled, bargained, lost my temper… all to no avail.

My ex suspected being on the spectrum, and I have to agree.

This is a serious problem and I’m sorry it’s happening to you.

My boyfriend also reckons he’s on the spectrum!

So you don't wash your hands after going to the toilet but you want him to wash his after he touches basically anything??

Rigidity of thought, resistance to change, perhaps some sensory issues…

We didn’t relate the autism to this problem at the time, but I have since learned it can happen on the spectrum.

I had to leave, there were other issues too, it was affecting my mental and physical health.

My ex was similar, it became unbearable when we lived together. I'm fastidious at work with hand washing but not over the top outside of work and then not over the top at home and am reasonable but the thought of his shitty hands all over our stuff used to make me feel sick. He brought more bugs and viruses back then I did and I worked in a hospital ffs. It was disgusting and actually showed a lack of respect I think.

There's normal and over the top and your over the top but after the loo for sure and yet you don't always. Hmmm I have a skin condition but nothing would ever make me use the bathroom and not wash afterwards

Definitely after the toilet.

You seem really over the top about handwashing and he is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

But if he never washes his hands then all his germs are on the loo flush, handles etc.

Use hand cream.

Both of you aren't right but he's disgusting.

Dump him. He doesn't care about you

I have problematic skin, I always wash hands after the toilet,and a lot of instances you have mentioned,a lot of people think I am OTT, but I was nursing...see the germs under a microscope, and feel differently!

Oh, I also have a cystocele,so a lot of time spent in toilets!!

Your relationship should have ended well before the point where you started monitoring what he's touching and how long it is since he washed his hands, let alone issuing instructions for him to wash his hands.

He's a grown man. He should do these things independently.

You should wash your hands and use hand cream if they get dry.

FFS

But you're using the same flush he uses, with his unwashed dirty hands?

It sounds to me, especially with the touching absolutely everything in the shop that he has sensory issues. This won't change, so you can either put up with it and wait for the inevitable fanny scitches if he touches you intimately, or you can seperate. He won't change.

You know you can get small tubes of hand cream from pound shops? You can then put them in your handbag or jacket pocket.

Also if you get into the habit of putting hand cream on your hands at night before you go to bed your hands are less dry. It doesn't matter if you have to get up to go toilet and wash them, as you won't get up every night or the same time.

If my partner kept nagging me to wash my hands, they wouldn't be my partner any longer.

How are you able to tell if he's washed his hands or not after he's used a public toilet? I hope you're not asking him to hold them out for inspection!

That relationship wouldn’t be sustainable personally. It’s clear he has no intention of practicing reasonable hygiene - what a turn off.