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Original poster

Split with DH, he's staying in the home

61 replies

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 07:37

Someone I know has split with DH. He wants to stay in the home and she'll have to rent. She works PT. They will have 50/50 custody of DC. So far nothing legally binding.

I want to give her good advice but I don't know current rules for finance etc. She won't be paying towards the mortgage. I think she will lose out financially.

Does she need to make the split official? Will she get benefits? Would it be better to sell the house (she'd still have to rent).

Can anyone help? I don't want to give her bad advice. TIA

OP posts:
orangegato · 27/11/2023 07:39

Either way she’ll have to leave the house. Unless he buys her out and she goes full time and uses the money to get a house of her own. 50/50 kids mean they won’t give her special treatment.

olderbutwiser · 27/11/2023 07:40

The best advice you can give her is for her to see a solicitor. There aren’t any rules for finance, it’s all based on the needs those involved especially the child, and a lot will depend on how much equity there is in marriage. So you can also suggest she gathers up all the financial information she can get her hands on - both pensions/incomes, any savings/debts etc etc to take to the solicitor.

MuchTooTired · 27/11/2023 07:47

I would definitely recommend seeing a solicitor and for her not to move out until she’s done so. As PP says, she should gather as much financial info as she can do, as quietly as possible to be able to discuss whether what the split proposal is actually fair or not.

Do you know the reason for the split? Is it because of abuse, or just having grown apart?

LittleOwl153 · 27/11/2023 07:48

I'd be wary of her leaving the home without a financial agreement to sell/share equity with kids and working part time. I guess it depends on how awkward he is likely to be (probably more than she thinks). She doesn't want to be left struggling to get her share.

She can claim UC if appropriate without the split being legalised - and she can claim some child maintenance from him even with 50/50 with a big earning difference.

From experience I'd actually make him do the 50/50 without any additional childcare support from her, 7 x 24hr periods in 14 days, not 6pm till 7am as some get away with dropping back to mum for school run, paying afterschool/nursery doing clubs and sick days etc. Before I'd agree an equity split based on 50/50... but maybe I'm cynical!

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:09

He doesn't want to sell to keep stability for the DC but I think if she stops paying the mortgage she'll lose equity. Is that the case? Is there a way she can protect herself from this?

No abuse, just not compatible etc. Been together 17 years, married for 10. Her MH is rock bottom

OP posts:
Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:11

LittleOwl153 · 27/11/2023 07:48

I'd be wary of her leaving the home without a financial agreement to sell/share equity with kids and working part time. I guess it depends on how awkward he is likely to be (probably more than she thinks). She doesn't want to be left struggling to get her share.

She can claim UC if appropriate without the split being legalised - and she can claim some child maintenance from him even with 50/50 with a big earning difference.

From experience I'd actually make him do the 50/50 without any additional childcare support from her, 7 x 24hr periods in 14 days, not 6pm till 7am as some get away with dropping back to mum for school run, paying afterschool/nursery doing clubs and sick days etc. Before I'd agree an equity split based on 50/50... but maybe I'm cynical!

He's already asked her to help with school run 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:12

She's seeing a solicitor if she can get a free 30mins. They have a lot of dept and no savings.

OP posts:
weathervane1 · 27/11/2023 08:19

OP, to answer your mortgage question and assuming for the sake of argument that the house is owned 50:50 on the TR1 form when they purchased it (it could be 70:30 etc, the point still stands)... this describes the equity that he / she has in the house (notwithstanding that the bank probably owns most of it)). Paying the mortgage is a joint responsibility in that case. If she stops paying it for a few months, it makes no difference to the equity she has in the house. He'll just have to pay her share for a bit as they are both liable. If he wants the whole house to himself, he will have to buy her share of the house. It's a bit more complex than that but it's a good starting place. The best advice as per previous posters is to get all of the info together before then seeing a solicitor.

BrimfulOfMash · 27/11/2023 08:21

She needs a solicitor properly.

If she works p/t (for the kids) she has almost certainly missed out on pension and is entitled to a share of his. Yes she is entitled to a fair share of equity. He needs to buy her out

If she has been the primary carer and he works f/t how will he cover childcare? He would need to pay childcare? She would probably be awarded more time with the kids if she has been main carer and works p/t.

Is he claiming 50/50 care to claim he needs to keep the house? And not pay maintenance?

None of us can advise on specifics of this.

And it can’t be sorted with a ‘free 30 mins’ (though that could indicate what is worth pursuing with proper legal support).

She needs a solicitor. Knowledge is power, and the confidence of being legally supported may well improve her MH.

Solicitor, solicitor, solicitor.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:32

It's true that she's been working PT to look after DC. She's had to turn down FT work because of DC. She actually has 2 jobs to make up the shortfall (evening work).

I don't think she's thought about pensions etc. It seems very complicated. The equity thing would be years not months. And what if he moved a new gf in and had more kids?

She really can't afford a solicitor. Everything seems to be in his favour. He can't afford to buy her out. He can't afford to rent and pay half the mortgage. Which is why she's leaving to rent - because UC will pay her rent. It just sounds all wrong to me.

OP posts:
meringue33 · 27/11/2023 08:36

She can’t afford to NOT get a solicitor! Please urge her too, it sounds crucial to her and her kids future financial wellbeing.

bombastix · 27/11/2023 08:38

Get a solicitor for this woman asap. And she is not to leave that house in the meantime.

Kickstartplease · 27/11/2023 08:38

She really does need to see a solicitor or (they need to) at least see a mediator.
But yes pensions equity & investments will all need to be looked at & this really needs to happen before she moves out as that might not be the best option for her
She also needs to be aware that if she has more than £6k in any payout she will lose UC.

vidflex · 27/11/2023 08:43

My dsis was bullied out of her house by her exh and rented. She then found herself in dire straights financially as she couldn't claim housing benefit, as she owned a house.

Solicitor asap

MintJulia · 27/11/2023 08:44

A solicitor will save her tens of thousands if they have a decade of equity in the house.

They need to calculate the value of the house, pensions and any savings accounts or assets that he hasn't shared with her. And then start at 50:50.

He will have to buy her out of the house if he wants to keep it, and he will have to cover 50:50 properly himself so she can work. The court will lay out the terms. Or she gets more than 50% to compensate for the fact she can't work full time because she's looking after the DCs.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:02

vidflex · 27/11/2023 08:43

My dsis was bullied out of her house by her exh and rented. She then found herself in dire straights financially as she couldn't claim housing benefit, as she owned a house.

Solicitor asap

This is worrying. She thinks she can claim UC even if she stays in the house with him (but still separated). Apparently her friend did this. I understand HB is different to UC.

OP posts:
SawX · 27/11/2023 09:04

Don't give her second hand advice from internet randoms. Just support her to see a family law solicitor ASAP.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:04

Not sure how she can get a solicitor with no money. Is legal aid still a thing? Would citizens advice be enough?

I am grateful for all the help and advice you are posting 🙏

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 27/11/2023 09:05

Some solicitors will take their fee as part of the finances being sorted in the divorce settlement (I.e. when the house equity comes through) so she could find one that will do that.
She really needs legal advice.

LadyDanburysHat · 27/11/2023 09:06

He can't expect her to just leave and get nothing He will need to buy her out so she has her share of the equity. She really can't afford to get a solicitor.

And as others said, 50/50 should be a proper 50/50. It will enable her to earn better. If he can't do school runs and she has the DC then he needs to pay maintenance. He is completely trying to screw her over. She needs to get her big girl pants on and fight for what she is entitled to.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:07

SawX · 27/11/2023 09:04

Don't give her second hand advice from internet randoms. Just support her to see a family law solicitor ASAP.

I'm not sure but I think her employer might have a scheme to help her with legal advice. She gets a limited amount of therapy paid for. I'll find out.

OP posts:
GFB · 27/11/2023 09:11

As PP have said she needs a solicitor, even though money is tight it will be worth it in the end.

He either needs to buy her out or they sell the house and split the proceeds. He can't decide that he's staying there because that's what he wants.

Workawayxx · 27/11/2023 09:15

She needs to be careful as I don’t think UC will pay her rent if she owns half a house or if she has money from a payout in the bank. Options I can see are:

  1. they sell the house now, split equity taking into account pensions and the fact he earns more. Could she try and buy a smaller place or maybe shared ownership with the equity? At least a shared ownership place would give her stability and avoid burning through her half of the equity on rent before UC would kick in.
  2. they keep the house, rent a tiny flat or room in a shared house and birds nest (move in or out of the house depending on who is with the DC at the time).
  3. I don’t recommend this but could look into whether UC will pay her rent if the house is kept by her H and there’s a court ordered payout on the house once last DC turns 18. Discuss with a solicitor what % of the house she’d get at that point. She needs to have a plan for what she will do when youngest DC turns 18 as she could end up without UC to pay rent, with a payout that isn’t enough to buy.

She needs to remember that security for herself IS security for the children as she’s their primary carer. It sounds like he wants it all his way: no maintenance payable as 50/50, she carries on carrying the childcare load even on his days so he has no childcare cost, he gets to keep the house (presumably will offer her a pittance later on because he has “paid all the mortgage). She can’t afford not to see a solicitor as right now he’s working out exactly how he can have things his way.

overwhelmed2023 · 27/11/2023 09:19

I don't think she should leave the house certainly yet.
Sounds like neither of them can afford to buy the other out and neither can afford half the mortgage and rent.
Do they pay half the mortgage each now?

Whataretheodds · 27/11/2023 09:27

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:09

He doesn't want to sell to keep stability for the DC but I think if she stops paying the mortgage she'll lose equity. Is that the case? Is there a way she can protect herself from this?

No abuse, just not compatible etc. Been together 17 years, married for 10. Her MH is rock bottom

I believe from multiple previous posts on here that if he is living in the house and paying the mortgage then she retains her equity because he's paying her half of the mortgage in lieu of rent. BUT I am not a lawyer.

I agree she needs to see a solicitor.