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Original poster

Split with DH, he's staying in the home

61 replies

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 07:37

Someone I know has split with DH. He wants to stay in the home and she'll have to rent. She works PT. They will have 50/50 custody of DC. So far nothing legally binding.

I want to give her good advice but I don't know current rules for finance etc. She won't be paying towards the mortgage. I think she will lose out financially.

Does she need to make the split official? Will she get benefits? Would it be better to sell the house (she'd still have to rent).

Can anyone help? I don't want to give her bad advice. TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:29

@Workawayxx

I have suggested #2 but she says she needs her own (private) space away from him.

#1 won't work as she can't get a mortgage when PT. She says she needs a guarantor to rent (and somehow find the deposit)

OP posts:
Dery · 27/11/2023 09:32

As PP have said - it’s a false economy not to get a solicitor. Your friend needs properly informed legal advice. The family home may in due course need to be sold and 2 smaller properties bought. Her ex can’t just decide the family home is kept and he lives in it. If she’s going to have the children 50/50, she needs a stable home too. But anyway - please encourage her to talk to a lawyer. Advice from here could be completely wrong for her circumstances - apart from anything, different legal rules apply depending on whether she lives in England and Wales or Scotland or Northern Ireland, never mind if she’s living outside the UK.

Dery · 27/11/2023 09:34

Also - if she’s feeling very bad now, she may be rushing decisions because they make her feel more comfortable in the short-term but she needs to think medium- and long-term also.

PosterBoy · 27/11/2023 09:34

She can only claim rent for ... estimate ... six months if she owns a house as well, and they would expect her to be trying to sell. After that, all her savings from the divorce would be spent on rent leaving her unable to get back on the housing ladder.

Plenty of people can't afford to live separately any more, maybe she will be one of them. She should stay put, claim UC (without housing element) whilst living in the family home, and wait til divorce is well under way before thinking about moving out. At that point she will know how much money she needs and also what her incomings are.

She needs to go full time as soon as feasible if she wants to remortgage, probably.

Another option to consider is renting a room that they share on a 'birds nesting' basis but it doesn't sound very realistic based on your scenario ... just mentioned as an option

Coolblur · 27/11/2023 09:36

I echo others, she needs to see a solicitor. The 30 free minutes, if she can find one which offers that, will barely cover the basic details, and certainly won't be enough time for the advice she's seeking. She really needs legal advice though, she can't afford not to get it.

Legal aid isn't available, except in cases of domestic abuse (there would need to be some evidence of this). It isn't as readily available as you might think, not all solicitors do it, and those that do will often prioritise paying clients.
Fees aren't necessarily required upfront, many people don't have that kind of money readily available. As others have said, they may be able to take payment from any settlement, or she could pay a monthly amount. Best to ask.

Saschka · 27/11/2023 09:38

If he can’t afford to buy her out, the house will have to be sold anyway. Is she sure she can’t afford a flat if she gets 50-70% of the equity?

Tell her to stay put, and go and see a solicitor. The alternative seems to be that she walks away with just the shirt on her back, isn’t entitled to HB, and sees her kids occasionally in a B&B while her DH lives in her house, with her kids and his future new girlfriend. If she decides that’s what she wants, instead of spending £2k on a solicitor (most of which will be payable after the divorce is finalised), she’s an idiot.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:43

Thank you @Lisamari71

I looked at benefits and you don't get HB anymore - it's all UC and capital isn't included in the calculation (capital = pension/value of the home you live in). Although the key wording is 'home you live in'

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 27/11/2023 09:50

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 09:43

Thank you @Lisamari71

I looked at benefits and you don't get HB anymore - it's all UC and capital isn't included in the calculation (capital = pension/value of the home you live in). Although the key wording is 'home you live in'

Yes so if she stays on her house she can claim UC.
If she moves out, the capital disregard (when they don't consider the house as money she owns) will only last a while ... I think sux months ... before they say she doesn't qualify for uc as she owns a big asset she should sell.

Maze76 · 27/11/2023 09:58

@SuddenlyOld I think you are right to be concerned. Given your friend’s financial circumstances I do not think her moving out of the family home is the right step to take. She will think it is but as we know break ups are traumatic and our brains don’t behave as they should when we experience trauma.
Moving from the family home puts her at disadvantage.
If your friend cannot afford a solicitor then I suggest mediation, I used a company called Mediation UK, they went through all the financials as well as the documents for court.
I also suggest that your friend log on to Gov Direct and complete the benefit check to see she could be entitled to and also contact the local authority and housing association- just to get a understanding of the processes involved.

brightontheeyes · 27/11/2023 10:20

Does her employer offer any sort of employee assistance program? At my work all employees have access to this and although I'm not sure it would go as far as paying for a solicitor I know there is provision for seeking advice on major life events such as relationship breakdown, benefits and debt advice, bereavement where they will fund several counselling sessions etc

Lizzt2007 · 27/11/2023 10:23

Op your friend is basing a lot of her decisions on potential uc. In order to claim uc for herself and the children she will need to be in receipt of the child benefit and they will have to move out of the family home with her, so that she's classed as the resident parent. If she moved out and they remain there she will be treated as a single person for uc purposes. Depending on the age of the kids she may also be expected to look for full time( or financial equivalent) work. She really , really needs some proper advice before she does anything. Citizens advice might be a good place to start.

LittleOwl153 · 27/11/2023 10:30

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:11

He's already asked her to help with school run 😔

Show quote history

She needs to say NO! He wants 50/50 he needs to organise this without her. Don't let her get sucked into it on the basis that she gets to see the kids more... but he still claims 50/50. If he can't do it - he can't do it!

Handover needs to be something like 9am so the kids are in school on a usual day - but he will need to account for half the holidays too.

And she needs 50% of the weekends too - don't let him take all the easy bits leaving her with homework and other rough stuff!

Whataretheodds · 27/11/2023 10:31

If she's PT and he's FT that suggests their current set up is not 50/50 but he's suggesting that so he doesn't have to pay maintenance. Good idea for her to keep a private log of everything he does for the kids/household and what she does.

She needs to stay in the house unless there is violence or abuse. Is there a room one of them can move into so they have separate bedrooms?

NotLactoseFree · 27/11/2023 10:36

She 100% MUST speak to a solicitor. It doesn't actually matter that he "can't afford" to buy her out or to rent separately, if they are splitting, she has a legal right to 50% of the equity in the house or some similar agreed settlement.

If custody is 50/50, she must NOT agree to do childcare for him during his 50/50 unless he pays her for it.

Only plus side, if they're still married, any equity that continues to accrue, even while he is paying the full mortgage, is still legally half hers.

LittleOwl153 · 27/11/2023 10:36

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 08:32

It's true that she's been working PT to look after DC. She's had to turn down FT work because of DC. She actually has 2 jobs to make up the shortfall (evening work).

I don't think she's thought about pensions etc. It seems very complicated. The equity thing would be years not months. And what if he moved a new gf in and had more kids?

She really can't afford a solicitor. Everything seems to be in his favour. He can't afford to buy her out. He can't afford to rent and pay half the mortgage. Which is why she's leaving to rent - because UC will pay her rent. It just sounds all wrong to me.

If he can't afford to buy her out then he cannot afford to stay in the house. The house will have to be sold - she is entitled to her share.

And she definately needs to stay put until it is otherwise he will drag this out for years leaving her in a mess. CAB will be abke to advise her re benefits but if she move out there will be only a short period if time where she can claim benefits where the house asset is disregarded.

If she does move then he needs to pay the whole mortgage in lieu of renting her half. She will still be entitled to half - but she then has to force him to sell.

He sounds like he is throwing almost the demands. She needs a solicitor who will talk some sense and equality!

Whataretheodds · 27/11/2023 10:48

She can't afford NOT to see a solicitor

OlderandwiserMaybe · 27/11/2023 11:08

I will agree with the multiple previous posters that your friend needs to see a solicitor. It sounds like the STBXH is making all the decisions based on not a lot of knowledge TBH.
Just because he says something doesn't make it right and your friend doesn't need to agree.
A free 30 minute consultation is a start but I think she'll need to employ a solicitor properly - like others have said some solicitors offer to take their fee out of any settlement so she MAY not have to pay upfront.
If the StBXH can't afford to buy her out - then he can't afford to stay in the house either. - it will have to be sold and equity divided between them.
If they have debts - they will have to be paid off out of any equity. Also your friend MAY be able to claim some of her Husbands pension. Again a solicitor will be able to advise on this.
With his request to help on school runs it sounds like a parental agreement might be a good idea as it will set out everyone's expectations and will really make both of them think if a 50/50 arrangement is actually the best idea.

As for benefits a good website to start looking at is Entitledto.com You pop in all your details and it will tell you what you can claim for.

First step for your friend before she does ANYTHING else is to get a 30 minute consultation appt.

Velvian · 27/11/2023 11:18

She really needs to see a solicitor. Can you pay for her? Could her parents pay, or try to find one that will take payment from the proceeds.

Her DH may not have a choice about selling the house.

WinchSparkle80 · 27/11/2023 11:48

Genuine question why does everyone recommend staying in the marital home after separation? I never have understood this. Surely it would be hideous.

Lawyer definitely needed for this lady though, particularly to work out childcare etc.

Laurdo · 27/11/2023 11:55

If he can't afford to buy her out I think it's a bit unfair to expect her to move out and rent while he stays in the house and nothing changes for him. Yes it would be great to keep the house but the reality is, they're splitting up and neither can afford the house on their own. Kids will adapt to the change. Their lives will be changing anyway with their parents splitting. Keeping the house is just stupid when it's not affordable.

bombastix · 27/11/2023 12:02

WinchSparkle80 · 27/11/2023 11:48

Genuine question why does everyone recommend staying in the marital home after separation? I never have understood this. Surely it would be hideous.

Lawyer definitely needed for this lady though, particularly to work out childcare etc.

There are a lot of consequences to moving out, chiefly financial. Leaving your home is a bad idea, and the implications for the children and who has care and where can also be an issue. The person who remains in the house will have a lot more financial control during the divorce in reality.

AnnieKayTee · 27/11/2023 12:56

Could they do the 50/50 where the kids stay in the house and mum and dad take turns per week to have the children in the family home?
They could stay with family/friends/air bnb on the week they aren't with children.
Would give dad the time to realise 50/50 means solely him for whole week including school runs etc.

Original poster
SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 14:13

I don't understand his reasoning. He says if he moves out he has to pay rent and half the mortgage. If she moves out, as pp said, nothing changes for him except he'd have to pay for childcare and he'd lose her (small) income. But she'd lose his income and have to pay rent. He says that's better because she'll get UC with some of her rent paid. Would she get help towards the mortgage if she stayed and had to pay it all?

OP posts:
Laurdo · 27/11/2023 14:16

AnnieKayTee · 27/11/2023 12:56

Could they do the 50/50 where the kids stay in the house and mum and dad take turns per week to have the children in the family home?
They could stay with family/friends/air bnb on the week they aren't with children.
Would give dad the time to realise 50/50 means solely him for whole week including school runs etc.

If they can't afford to pay both the mortgage and rent, they won't be able to afford an air BnB. Living with family 50% of the time is a big ask.

bombastix · 27/11/2023 14:19

SuddenlyOld · 27/11/2023 14:13

I don't understand his reasoning. He says if he moves out he has to pay rent and half the mortgage. If she moves out, as pp said, nothing changes for him except he'd have to pay for childcare and he'd lose her (small) income. But she'd lose his income and have to pay rent. He says that's better because she'll get UC with some of her rent paid. Would she get help towards the mortgage if she stayed and had to pay it all?

No help with the mortgage. Your friend needs a lawyer