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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has another child

57 replies

Friedbrain23 · 25/11/2023 17:59

I never knew. He never thought this was something worth telling me, so he just omitted the whole thing. He told me now because his child is trying to get in touch with him
The child was conceived before we got together and apparently his only involvement has been to pay CM and ignore the fact that they exist.
We have 2 DCs and he loves them, but is telling me that the other one "doesn't matter".
I am heartbroken for several reasons and I feel like he has completely pulled the rug from under my feet. This is all so wrong on so many different levels, and he is making me feel like it won't change a thing. It changes so much and I can't describe the anger and disappointment I am feeling right now.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 25/11/2023 18:00

His own child 'doesn't matter'?????
This is not good.
Plus why has he hidden this?

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 18:01

Will you tell your children they have half siblings? Or keep it a secret? If so you need to find a way to stop their half sibling reaching out to them when they are adults.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 18:02

Did you ask him to give you an exact reason why this child does not matter ? What was wrong with the child ?

heldinadream · 25/11/2023 18:03

Do you mean your 2 dcs are his? So you and he have been together all this time and made a family and now he's telling you that there's a previous child that 'doesn't matter'?
No that's not good. Sorry OP you must be reeling from that bit of news. Flowers

Mummymummy89 · 25/11/2023 18:05

How old is the other child? It makes a difference if eg the child is 18 and has deliberately chosen to go NC with his dad.

Still not great, but a tiny bit better than plain despicable if the child is, say, 10, and is just ignored by his dad.

Reugny · 25/11/2023 18:06

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 18:01

Will you tell your children they have half siblings? Or keep it a secret? If so you need to find a way to stop their half sibling reaching out to them when they are adults.

The half-sibling will likely out live the OP and her OH so that won't be a viable option.

I've met people who have met older half-siblings including some who were adopted at different times of their lives. One parent or the other tried to keep one of party's existence secret.

AhBiscuits · 25/11/2023 18:09

How long have you been together?

starrynight009 · 25/11/2023 18:13

I feel for you. It must have been a real shock. Personally I couldn't be with someone who has opted-out of being a parent to their own child....doesn't matter?! Wow. The trust would be gone as well and that's so hard to get back. You have every right to feel hurt and upset. You may need couples counselling or something to help him realise that impact of this revelation.

Original poster
Friedbrain23 · 25/11/2023 18:25

He has explained to me what happened and why he never wanted to be involved. I cannot understand it personally but I am mostly shocked by the dismissiveness of it all.
Our DCs are only 5 and 3, his oldest is 14. We've been together for 8 years. For all I know this child has never met their father, unless there is more stuff he forgot to tell.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 25/11/2023 18:29

How has this just come to light?
How was the maintenance never mentioned?
So many secrets.

ABCXYZ17 · 25/11/2023 18:31

That’s an appalling thing for him to say. How long until he decides that his children with you don’t matter? I couldn’t be with a man who did this to his child. Time to really think about how you feel about him. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Reugny · 25/11/2023 18:35

OP does anyone in his family or social circle know the mother of his other child?

Or has his other child tried to get in touch with him through one of them as they are now old enough to start looking without help?

As why is he telling you this information now?

I think there is more information he's "forgot" to tell you, and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Friedbrain23 · 25/11/2023 19:07

I don't know if anyone knows the other mom. Apparently his child and its mother tried to reach out a few times to him and he has no interest in establishing a relationship. I have a feeling I will hear from her and it's why he decided to tell me. I'm feeling so hurt but that poor child.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 25/11/2023 19:09

That is awful.
Maybe you need to speak to the mum to find out the truth.

Yankeescot · 25/11/2023 19:26

His child 'doesn't matter'? Omg, that's truly, truly shocking he'd say that! He sounds vile, that poor child. I'd try and get in contact with the Mother to have a conversation, get to the truth and perhaps look for a way forward for them to eventually meet your kids. I could never stay with a man who did this to a child and really doesn't seem to care.
Absolutely gobsmacking.

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 19:28

@Friedbrain23 Is he one of those deadbeat Dads you often hear about on mums net whose interest in their children depends on whether or not they are with the mother? Or did he cut contact because she was abusive ect? Does he want your children to know their sibling?

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 19:30

@Friedbrain23 If you split
With him would he bother with your children?

Dowhadiddydiddydum · 25/11/2023 19:33

Yea I’d loose all respect if my OH acted like this.
I just can’t fathom being so dismissive about your own child. Awful. Also that child is your children’s sibling, they should know about his existence.

Beyond all that, he lied by omission. A massive lies over a long period. That would really shake me. Can you trust him to tell the truth ever again.

jimmyjammy001 · 25/11/2023 19:40

So he's never mentioned paying out child maintenance every month?
He's never mentioned when this women and his child have tried to reach out to him?
These are too big of a things in life to just to have forget to tell you for 8 years, he has purposely kept this a secret from you and is not acting like it's no big deal to make you feel bad / not react the way that you are. I'd be calling it a day personally for decepting you

Reugny · 25/11/2023 19:55

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 19:28

@Friedbrain23 Is he one of those deadbeat Dads you often hear about on mums net whose interest in their children depends on whether or not they are with the mother? Or did he cut contact because she was abusive ect? Does he want your children to know their sibling?

If she is/was abusive then not telling the OP puts her at greater risk of the child's mum finding her and harassing her or her children.

I suspect it's just a case of him not wanting a child with that particular woman, and because the mother refused to abort decided he could ignore the child.

muchalover · 25/11/2023 20:07

Tell your children while you control the time and way you tell them.

My exH had another child which he never wanted contact with. I found out about her existence the day I found out I was pregnant for my first baby. I would have ended the marriage if I hadn't been pregnant. When she sent a letter my kids knew it was coming.

At least by telling your children, when the other child inevitably contacts it won't be a shock for them or destabilise your trust with them.

I also think it will be easier for his other child to feel included if they were a virtual family member before and are now a real life one.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 25/11/2023 20:24

Imo the sooner you tell your dc and family the better. That lad needs to know his siblings want him at least.

RantyAnty · 25/11/2023 20:36

This is so very sad.
I'm not sure I could stay with someone so cold and cruel.

brighterdaze · 25/11/2023 22:21

Thehouseofmarvels · 25/11/2023 18:01

Will you tell your children they have half siblings? Or keep it a secret? If so you need to find a way to stop their half sibling reaching out to them when they are adults.

What a mean response. Why shouldn't this child reach out to their half-siblings? They've already been rejected by their father and it's not fair to keep this a secret.

Pablothepalm · 25/11/2023 22:55

Watch How he’s treating this poor child and arm yourself how he will treat yours if he falls out of love with you. That poor kid.