He has another child

[Friedbrain23]

I never knew. He never thought this was something worth telling me, so he just omitted the whole thing. He told me now because his child is trying to get in touch with him
The child was conceived before we got together and apparently his only involvement has been to pay CM and ignore the fact that they exist.
We have 2 DCs and he loves them, but is telling me that the other one "doesn't matter".
I am heartbroken for several reasons and I feel like he has completely pulled the rug from under my feet. This is all so wrong on so many different levels, and he is making me feel like it won't change a thing. It changes so much and I can't describe the anger and disappointment I am feeling right now.

Look - it is what it is, and none of this is your doing.
I am guessing - 14 years ago he got someone pregnant. He didn't want to have a child then - she kept the child for herself. He did his minimum duty and paid CM.

None of this is great for the kid, of course. But men don't really have much say in whether a woman choses to have a baby. Rightly so - our body, out choice. But if the pregnancy happens outside of a relationship - say a one night stand - than the balance of power in the choice is with a woman. And if she choses to keep the baby knowing the man does not want to be the father - than I'd say she knows what she is getting into. And I am not sure it's totally fair to judge the guy. Or to keep trying to force him to be involved - it's manipulative.

Personally - in that case - I'd not told my child he was not wanted by his dad - I'd have made up a sperm donation story and only told them after they grew up.

It isn't great that he didn't tell you - I presume he was ashamed. He must have grown up and changed in the time since and his relationship with your kids is different - because he did chose to have them.

I guess the main issue now - what's next. Now that the secret is out - I guess he'll have to make contact. Not sure it's best for everybody involved. But it is what it is.

It's not that he has a child. It's the fact he's hidden the maintenance etc.

That deception is unrelated to the fact he has a child elsewhere. He needs to explain that part of it. If he doesn't want to be involved, say because it was an attempt to trap him, morally no he probably should make an effort... but, he wouldn't be the first dad to walk away. It's the fact he's never even mentioned that's the decision he's taken to YOU.

He's a liar and he's a deadbeat dad. Just because he hasn't aimed that crap at you and your children yet doesn't mean he won't later on. He isn't a very nice person.

He may have had a one night stand, may have took precautions that failed and told her he was not interested, you need to find out more facts.
She may have told him she was on the pill or anything
It depends on the circumstances but I can see how someone might not want to be involved if they were trapped and asked the person not to have the baby.
I have a friend this happened to,this girl really fancied him and produced condoms on the night but we found out after from her friend afterwards she'd put pin prick holes in them to get pregnant by him.
She would not terminate and he has never seen the child, I know it's not the child's fault but he has never met them, he thought he was
taking precautions he didn't want a child, she did.

This could be my daughter's father, although he doesn't pay CM. I was in a relationship with him for 3 years, we split up while I was in hospital having just given birth, due to the midwife bringing it to my attention he was not treating me very well, and social services got involved. All his family know about my daughter, they have never seen her. He has had numerous relationships and never told his partners about her. The thing that did upset me the most is how he can just completely forget about her. I know that if one of his partners does find out about my DD, he will claim I was a one night stand, tricked him by getting pregnant or did it to get his money, also I am a stalker and he's had to get a restraining order against me - none of this is true

As others said he might have had his reasons for choosing not to be involved. It doesn’t excuse the lying though. I also think that it’s incredibly cold to consider one’s own child as irrelevant as he did, but maybe that’s a male thing. It’s just something that I cannot understand at all.

Absolutely agree with @Sashya. Men cannot (and should not) decide what we, as women, chose to do with our bodies. It is unfair on men (maybe they absolutely want that baby, maybe they absolutely do not) but it is still OUR body. However, that does not mean that women can chose as to whether that man is an actual father or not. In OPs case it is very obvious that he did not want to be a father with the mother of his eldest and yet he has still supported his child financially - all credit to him, there are many fathers who DO chose to be fathers, then abandon their children in every sense when they split with their partners. I wonder honestly, how many women admit to subsequent partners about an abortion they had in a previous relationship if this abortion has no impact on their actual relationship. In his head, I would argue, that OPs husband was not a father, did not become a father until he had the children that he has with her.

What is absolutely crap is that he kept the secret of a child having been born (not aborted) but I think that is a misjudgment, I mean when would have been the right time to tell her ? Dating ? "We don't have kids yet but just a heads up, I have never seen or wanted to see my first born" When they are getting married "oh darling, there's something you should know ...." When she was pg "Well you know this isn't the first time I've got someone pg" There was never going to be a good time, which doesn't make it right, just makes it understandable. What none of this makes him is a cold-hearted cruel man who is incapable of loving his own children. However, neither does it make the situation any easier to deal with now, or the 8 years of lying by omission to OP and the pain she is undoubtedly feeling any less valid. But please please don't hang the guy.

and yet he has still supported his child financially - all credit to him

There's no credit to him whatsoever if he was, or knew he would be, subject to a CSA claim.

They'd deduct it from his paycheck, end of story.

Unless he worked some dodge, which depends on what he does for a living etc.

I wonder honestly, how many women admit to subsequent partners about an abortion they had in a previous relationship if this abortion has no impact on their actual relationship

That comparison does not work on any level, in any way.

It's mind boggling that you would think that, let alone put it in text.

I mean when would have been the right time to tell her ? Dating

Yes!!
Exactly.
Nail on the head.

He should have told her while they were dating, before they had any kids together.

There was never going to be a good time

Yes, there was.

It was when their relationship became steady & serious.

I also think that it’s incredibly cold to consider one’s own child as irrelevant as he did, but maybe that’s a male thing

The shit that men get excused for on this site .... A supposedly feminist site.

No matter what immoral, selfish, inconsiderate behaviour... Well, it's men, isn't it?

It's not decent men, no.

It reminds me of a hair dresser who told me her partner spends extortionate amounts on clothing for himself, and would leave them with a lack of money for things for their two sons ... Which she would never do, because her priority would be things & experiences for her sons, and then ended it by saying "oh it's just men, isn't it".

No, it's not just men.
It's shitty men.
Who are shitty humans.

In this case, the callousness towards his child combined with the major, ongoing deception... And the implications for his kids with op etc ...... There is a distinct lack of integrity , decency, honesty and responsibility in this individual.

He should have told her, no it's, buts, ands or maybes.

I'm sorry you're in this position, op.

Also everyone always wants to excuse this behaviour by assuming it's a one night stand. In most cases, it's not. Your chances of getting pregnant from one instance (or multiple instances on the same night) are quite low.

But the man in question will always try to depict it as as ONS or similar to minimise his behaviour.

I also find the hierarchy of women (this one is fuck material, this one is relationship material etc.) and the entitlement to casual, no strings sex with no consequences - which doesnt really exist, since no contraception is 100% effective - in these men's attitudes rather abhorrent. I think many women only find it acceptable because of internalised misogyny wherein they "other" the pregnant woman he's walked away from; she's not like me, I'd not put myself in that position, that would never happen to me.

Anyway, someone who can totally ignore a child he created - he took the risk of creating them, that's the bottom line, have absolutely nothing to do with them other than a pitiful amount of CS he's obliged to pay..... Is not a decent individual. A decent individual would think ')"I didn't plan it but it's happened, they're my child, my flesh and blood, the more parents/people kids have in their corner, teaching them, looking out for them, helping protect them, showing interest and care towards them; the better. And who is more responsible for that than their parents.
I know lots of men who would step up, even if they weren't with the mother.

He's callous.

And irresponsible.

please please don't hang the guy.

Why not?

He's perpetuated a massive deception on the op for years. Let her get into a serious relationship with him, then let her get pregnant and have two kids by him - letting her think they were his first and second kids.

That's a sort of major emotional fraud.

Also there are financial implications... With him being liable til 18 or older. Op didn't have kids with him knowing that their household income would have to accommodate another child in another household.

There are huge implications for her kids, who'll have to find out Daddy has another child before them, whom they've never met.

If op had known he was the type of person to not see or have anything whatsoever to do with a child he fathered, maybe she wouldn't have gotten serious with him, let alone had kids with him.

He took her informed consent away from her.

If he doesn't want to be involved, say because it was an attempt to trap him

There are really good ways of not getting "trapped" .... Not ejaculating your baby batter up women of child bearing age is one of them.
Condoms are very effective if used correctly, he could supply his own and dispose of them himself.
I bet you he didn't use any.

Some women's bodies override the pill, it's been medically acknowledged. So assuming a woman was irresponsible or trying to trap a man could be deeply unfair.

Sex has potential consequences. One of the consequences for men is that you can't force a woman you impregnated to have an abortion. Another one is that if you choose ignore the child you fathered, it might become "tricky" when you get into subsequent serious relationships, have more kids efc.
If they don't understand those things, then they're not mature enough to be having sex.

This would totally change my feelings for him.. I wouldn't see him the same .. how could anyone dismiss a child

@CubaLibre23 Are you ok? Just checking because those were a lot of angry posts there...

I just wondered if it's easier for men to distance themselves because they are not the ones who carry their baby and give birth because I can't fathom not wanting anything to do with your own baby.

Don't try to be a smart arse.

They're not angry, they're disgusted ..... At someone who sits on high deciding which of the children he fathered "matter" and which don't.

There is something fundamental in this man's character that op needs to pay attention to; I'm hoping she does and my strong criticism reflects that.

She doesn't need space cadets on here minimising it.

This is probably the worst advice I've heard anyone give out on this forum. When estranged or adopted people reach adults they can indeed look for the half siblings and absent parents. You cannot stop them. It simply highlights the dangers of concealing the truth in the first place!

I wonder honestly, how many women admit to subsequent partners about an abortion they had in a previous relationship if this abortion has no impact on their actual relationship. In his head, I would argue, that OPs husband was not a father, did not become a father until he had the children that he has with her.

This is one of the stupidest things I have ever read on this site. This man pays CM every single month, and has for the entirety of his relationship with the OP. What happens "in his head" is neither here nor there, he is a literal father to an actual, real, live child, and has been for 14 years.

All of this "poor little men don't get to choose" stuff is just bullshit. They choose when they choose to ejaculate inside a woman. Women get a few more choice points, but that doesn't discount that the fact that men DO choose. The OP is rightly distraught to find out that her DH has so little backbone and integrity that he didn't even think it worth mentioning.

Perhaps a better comparison would be, do women who gave a child up for adoption need to tell new partners? Difficult question, but I would still say probably yes under normal circumstances, especially if there is still contact.

Shocking shocking behaviour from your partner, this is pretty bad.

Wow...you really believed this trash?

Wow. I'd be wondering what else he has been hiding.

Yeah, we're not great right now and I'm not sure what to do. The initial shock has worn off but we seem to be on very different pages in this regard.
He did admit that he would have kept it if there had not been several attempts to contact him. So he would have continued to omit this fact indefinitely and it hurts me.

It's heartbreaking that his child is reaching out to him and he's refusing to meet him or her. Whatever the circumstances of how that child came into the world, it isn't the child's fault and to refuse to even let them meet their own father is awful. The fact he has gone on to raise more children and yet still wants nothing to do with his oldest... because of some issue with the mother I assume....again not the child's fault, makes it even worse. I'd be questioning what sort of person I was in a relationship with, not to mention all the lying and deception and the fact he doesn't even see what he has done wrong.

But none of this is your fault. You're also a victim in all this and I feel so sorry for you. I would seek couples counselling, as a counsellor may help him understand things from the point of view of everyone else involved here. Or he may not be capable of doing that but at least then you'll know. Once trust has been broken it's extremely hard to get back without help.

@Friedbrain23 Is he going to allow your children to ever know about their half sibling or will he take the risk that their sibling never tries to contact them?