Dealing with a financial ‘bragger’

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So to make this simple, we have no joint money we have ‘his and hers’ (I know with kids it’s ridiculous). My money normally buys everything for the children because I’m the one who keeps up with what they need, like new clothes bigger shoes etc. Although we never planned for this, there was never a conversation of you pay that I’ll pay this.
So he very sparsely sends me money to spend on the children, I’m talking like 5 times max in 5 years he’s done this.
Just recently he’s sent me money twice (WOW!) for the kids, once for clothes and once for activities but he will not let me forget about it! It’s all he’s talking about. I hear ‘I can’t believe you actually spent it’, ‘did you use the money?’ ‘I bet the food shop feels like nothing since I sent you that money’
It’s been 24 hours and i can’t take hearing about it anymore! I feel like he begrudges paying for anything and is hoping I give it back by making snide remarks, or maybe he wants me to put on a show about how grateful I am, I really don’t know.
He’s the same with birthdays and will always talk about how much my gift cost so maybe it’s just his personality.

im at a loss how to bring this up because it’s making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a beggar for using the money he sent!

You need a pie chart and show him the facts. Idiot.

I'd say:

It was great to have a contribution from you and I think we should split the children's expenses 50/50 from now on.

Sit down and do a spreadsheet. Then show it to him. Hopefully the reality will show him that you are spending more, yet he is bragging more.

Also avoid him, and when he asks, tell him that he is turning you off, and leave the room.

When you're in an unnatural situation it seems normal after a while, even if it annoys you, you don't see how abnormal it is.

They are his children. He should want to give them all he can. He's behaving towards you as if you were separated.

The only thing I can suggest is to tell him if he doesn't go for counselling with you the marriage is over.. because he needs to hear from a third party that this is not normal behaviour, I would even say it's financial abuse.

The ‘bragging’ is a side issue. Why on earth are you in a relationship with someone you share children with, but who doesn’t contribute substantially/ equally to their costs?

Make a list of all the kid's things and what they cost so far this year, include everything you can think off, add it up, deduct his money and show the difference. Next time he goes on about the money give him the list. I think his response will be very interesting Op

We have a joint account and separate, we earn similarly. H was always saying I pay xx and xx on top. I did a spreadsheet to put all family expenses, kids hobbies (horses, not cheap and I always paid), school lunches again not cheap £160 / month plus all the other incidentals. It's split down the middle now and he's realising he had a great deal before.

It’s all he’s talking about. I hear ‘I can’t believe you actually spent it’, ‘did you use the money?’ ‘I bet the food shop feels like nothing since I sent you that money’

Huh? Is he stupid? He has to realise that he never spends any money on his children and if anything should be really embarrassed to be making a big deal out of a rare contribution.

Either he coughs up or Christmas gifts are from you only.... I hope you don't buy for his family... Tell him you are considering divorce as you will then be well off..

Honestly? I'd bin him off and arrange child maintenance.

He sounds checked out anyway, and you don't sound as if you like him. Who could blame you?

You are with an awful person. He will not changed and if he does not really add much to the family. Consider your options even is long term.

I can see how it would be easy to fall into the assumption that DC are cheap and so is food etc. Before you go spare and divorce the man I think you need to create a list of all expenses and work out how to split things so you have equal personal (ie not on DC!) spends. DH and I do a true up every couple of years as things change with pay rises etc.

Absolutely this

the fact that him contributing to the kids/household day to day is such a novelty is the issue here

work out what your house/kids budget is and tell him from now on he either takes over x, y or z or chips in £x amount monthly.

do not let this go.

Use the Splitwise app. Each enter what you pay and it keeps a running balance, expressed as who owes who. DH and I both thought we were contributing equally, but actually the app showed I was down £150 every month.

What does he pay for?

If he's paying the mortgage and all the utilities/council tax etc, then (his attitude apart) you paying for the kids stuff isn't necessarily unfair.

So work out where the money is going (for both of you) and see if it's proportional to your incomes and generally fair or unfair.

Then you can address both the financial practicalities AND his attitude.

Is this one of those cases where he pays the mortgage/bills and you cover kids/food?
On the face of it he sounds like a dick, but I think you need to give more context on responsibilities.

He sounds absolutely insufferable.

Work it out on a spreadsheet and see if it's fair. If not talk about it. We don't share finances, that way abuse lies but he gives me £1500 a month and I pay everything. In the summer I win as the gas is cheaper in the winter I lose cos it's expensive. I just rail in the food to manage p, the cupboards are groaning and both freezers are full we could probably go a couple of months without shopping anyway.

I honestly can’t stand financial braggers. It’s such a huge turn off of a person for me. There’s a guy in my uni friends who’s turned into one, every time we meet up I can’t cope with hearing him talk. Non stop chat about how much he earns. His partner is lovely though so we have to put up with him to keep her around 😂

How do the rest of the finances work out? I would try and embarrass him if I could. Mention in front of his pals that he contributed to the kids for the first time in 6m etc and then thinks he’s bank rolling me.

But the truth is I would have to end the relationship as I just couldn’t be around that. I would definitely at least tell him it makes you cringe.

Agree with pp show him the figures in black and white. The fact that you are feeling this way about approaching the subject and his controlling behaviour around money plus the way everything to do with financing dc is your job is awful. It makes me concerned that this is not a healthy relationship for you as he doesn’t sound supportive or kind.

It really depends on how the rest of the finances work- if he's paying the lions share of the mortgage/rent and the bills then it's no big deal- if it's one of those weird 50/50 arrangements and you are also paying these expenses, regardless of incomes- then it's not ok

This is just not right. If you live together you should be sharing expenses. We dont have kids and pay everything equally and have a joint account

He should be ashamed of his stinginess, if you ask me.

I would not have kids with someone who isn’t willing to have a shared account for the kids expenses (you can still have your own accounts too).

No one should make you feel guilty for spending money on their own kids.

Sorry OP but I would not put up with this at all.
You are meant to be his equal, not someone who he just allows to live in his home.

I would end this relationship.
Its not just about the money, it’s about how he sees you and how little he respects you.

Oh he sounds awful.

For a start, he isn't very bright.
Secondly, he begrudges spending money on his own children.
Thirdly, he's a sexist pig who thinks the children are YOURS to deal with.