Dealing with a financial ‘bragger’

[Redcupcode]

So to make this simple, we have no joint money we have ‘his and hers’ (I know with kids it’s ridiculous). My money normally buys everything for the children because I’m the one who keeps up with what they need, like new clothes bigger shoes etc. Although we never planned for this, there was never a conversation of you pay that I’ll pay this.
So he very sparsely sends me money to spend on the children, I’m talking like 5 times max in 5 years he’s done this.
Just recently he’s sent me money twice (WOW!) for the kids, once for clothes and once for activities but he will not let me forget about it! It’s all he’s talking about. I hear ‘I can’t believe you actually spent it’, ‘did you use the money?’ ‘I bet the food shop feels like nothing since I sent you that money’
It’s been 24 hours and i can’t take hearing about it anymore! I feel like he begrudges paying for anything and is hoping I give it back by making snide remarks, or maybe he wants me to put on a show about how grateful I am, I really don’t know.
He’s the same with birthdays and will always talk about how much my gift cost so maybe it’s just his personality.

im at a loss how to bring this up because it’s making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a beggar for using the money he sent!

Right now is the absolute best time to sort this because you can show him how quickly whatever amount of money he’s given went on essentials so use his ‘bragging’ to your advantage.

@Squiggles23 thanks for the tip! We didn’t think they did joint accounts so we thought we’d both have to go to a bricks and mortar bank which is why we’ve never got round to it 😅

@Redcupcode thanks for updating the situation- unless you earn double what he does or more then he is totally taking the piss !!

Assuming there's not some dripfeed incoming and you earn 5x his salary, you need to have an adult conversation about finances. It's utterly ridiculous that you are letting this man take advantage of you and utterly ridiculous that he doesn't contribute to his children's upkeep.

Time to sit down and spell out to him what his obligations to his children are. This isn't a partnership and you aren't equal parents. Very sad, especially for the kids.

It's actually not your job to be the default parent who knows what the kids need, organises their activities, sorts their clothes etc. They have two parents who should both be on top of this stuff. If he's so completely incompetent and immature that he isn't capable of being a proper parent, and you are satisfied with this arrangement whereby the mental load and physical labour of doing all the buying and organising and the only issue for you is the money, then you'll have to insist upon him paying 50% of the costs relating to the kids (keep receipts and bill him like a customer) or you need a joint account for these kind of expenses where you each pay in the same amount monthly.

Who is the higher earner?

I just can’t…like what!? So 50/50 on bills and then you pay for food and everything for your FOUR kids!? There aren’t enough exclamation marks for my outrage.
We don’t have joint finances (never again after my - amicable! - divorce abroad many years ago, that only took so long because of finances).
So my DH pays “static” bills - mortgage, utilities, savings (they’re joint 😂). I pay for food, petrol and anything for DS - but that’s cheaper than having four. Big expenses for DS (see the drumkit for xmas) - we go halves. We tend to have similar amounts for fun left over. And that’s the key here. He earns more. If I had to ask for money to sort our kid out, I’d feel pretty resentful pretty damn quickly. If he has loads more left than you, then the scales are uneven and if he won’t see this himself you’ll have to bash him over the head with spreadsheet type facts.
If everyone has similar amounts left at the end, there isn’t much room for resentment - financially. If you also do all the chores that needs addressing, too.

I hope you get it sorted, OP. 💛

He's a joke of a partner and father, and he is financially abusing you and his children with this behaviour.