Dealing with a financial ‘bragger’

[Redcupcode]

So to make this simple, we have no joint money we have ‘his and hers’ (I know with kids it’s ridiculous). My money normally buys everything for the children because I’m the one who keeps up with what they need, like new clothes bigger shoes etc. Although we never planned for this, there was never a conversation of you pay that I’ll pay this.
So he very sparsely sends me money to spend on the children, I’m talking like 5 times max in 5 years he’s done this.
Just recently he’s sent me money twice (WOW!) for the kids, once for clothes and once for activities but he will not let me forget about it! It’s all he’s talking about. I hear ‘I can’t believe you actually spent it’, ‘did you use the money?’ ‘I bet the food shop feels like nothing since I sent you that money’
It’s been 24 hours and i can’t take hearing about it anymore! I feel like he begrudges paying for anything and is hoping I give it back by making snide remarks, or maybe he wants me to put on a show about how grateful I am, I really don’t know.
He’s the same with birthdays and will always talk about how much my gift cost so maybe it’s just his personality.

im at a loss how to bring this up because it’s making me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like a beggar for using the money he sent!

For those asking for context with the finances we both pay 50/50 for rent and all utilities. I buy the food and whatever the kids or house needs. 4 children so it is never a small amount!
we have talked about joint accounts over the years but it’s never happened, I’m ashamed at getting myself in this situation honestly.

Who is ‘he’? Just a boyfriend? If you’re legally single, having four kids with such a shit man was never going to be fun, but if you dump him he’d have to parent his kids, and pay for them.

So he's exploiting you. I bet you do most of the housework/childcare as well don't you?

That splitwise app sounds great.

S-i-L's repulsive ex was like this. He was furious when his DC came to visit (he had very little contact) and they weren't wearing the 'expensive clothes from Harrods' that he'd sent them last Christmas. It was summer and they'd both shot up in the intervening 8 months.

I can't respect men like this, let alone like them.

From your update, he is taking the absolute piss. You pay for 50% of rent and utilities, all of the food and house/child related costs for four children? What does he actually pay for that isn't just for himself?

"Look, tightwad, you've paid for stuff towards the kids about once a year since they were born. If you think you're getting a fucking medal the one time you actually put your hand in your pocket, think again. From now on I want to split this stuff 50:50 so let's make an appointment to open a joint account. You'll have to pay more if I leave you and claim child maintenance, that's for sure."

It never fails to amaze me how many men are getting away with this.

Are you married? Please say you're married, then divorce him

Another vote for- Bin him off and claim cms.

Seriously though get proof of his earnings so you can claim cms

Maybe an attempt of: 'why don't you think you should pay for 50/50 for your children? Am I supposed to be greatful that you gave me a pittance for them? Pull your head out of your arse, it's ridiculous. From now on you pay your share. Or you can leave and I'll claim cms'.

If he doesn't sort his shit out, you leave him and take the official route.

Tbh I'd leave anyway. Children shouldn't be raised seeing their mum tolerate assholes.

It's important for both of you to have an understanding of household income and expenditure.

Martin Lewis has a good budgeting template that can help with this.

Faced with the facts of the cost of outgoings, your partner will be able to make an informed judgment about the impact their a-typical contribution would have had.

If you usually have more disposable income than your partner, and this left them with even less, the new contribution seems unbalanced. If they usually have more disposable income than you, and still had more afterwards, you should both look to increasing the contribution and making it standard practice.

‘If you usually have more disposable income than your partner, and this left them with even less, the new contribution seems unbalanced. If they usually have more disposable income than you, and still had more afterwards, you should both look to increasing the contribution and making it standard practice.’

What? The shit man does not pay for his kids. He does not pay attention to basic parenting requirements.

This

I can't believe your update. You need to split everything 50%. He's having a laugh, dont let him.

Just tell him he’s a miserable so and so, show him your bank statements and let him deal with the money for a couple of months..

penny pinching is not a good look

No such time like the present. Use his bragging as the cue to sit down with him today and do some household accounts together. Who earns what, how much everything costs and who pays for what currently, then work out what is fair between you. You can probably open a joint account online in half an hour and both set up DDs to transfer agreed amounts into it every month for household bills and children's expenses.

It's a no-brainer... unless of course he doesn't agree with you that you should both be paying equally (or proportionately, as agreed) for these things...

Do you earn equal amounts? I'm really shocked that you are paying for all the food for six people, as well as all the clothes and things for the house.

What else does he pay for?

Its not normal for one person to buy all of the food and stuff for the kids, unless the other person pays for all of the other stuff.

For example - My sister and BIL won’t have a joint account.
Instead she pays the rent and anything ti do with the car from her account and he pays for everything else out of his account, including food and anything for the kids.
They worked out how much everything would cost, how much they both earn and this was the fairest way to do it.

“It’s all he’s talking about. I hear ‘I can’t believe you actually spent it’, ‘did you use the money?’ ‘I bet the food shop feels like nothing since I sent you that money’ It’s been 24 hours and i can’t take hearing about it anymore!”

I think next time he said it, my reply would be “Yes, you’ve said so 20 times now but what is the point you are actually trying to make?”

If you both use Monzo, you can run a tab together for day to day spending. My partner and I haven’t got a joint account yet (keep meaning to but life gets in the way) so we use it to track who spends what on food etc.

I also find it helpful to challenge the narrative of generosity in a non-confrontational way. My partner’s fine with money but he’ll sometimes say he did a household job “for me” like he’s doing me a favour. I do the lion’s share of chores & organising so I say “and I’m grateful for that but you live in this house too so you were buying ingredients for your own dinner/cleaning the space you live in as well”.

There are no gold stars for being a functional adult that pays their way and your partner needs to see that.

Even if you don't have a joint account for other household expenses, there should be one for the food shopping and children's expenses.

We have a joint account, we pay in every month for mortgage, utilities, groceries and other household expenses and a holiday fund, which includes a bit extra which goes into a backup savings fund for emergency household expenditure (which covered, for example, the unexpected new fridge/freezer that we needed over the summer when ours clapped out). We contribute unequally as we split the mortgage 65/35, as I am a higher earner (and yes we are tenants in common), and then 50/50 on bills etc. We review what we are putting in a couple of times of year so it keeps up with changes in cost of living expenses etc to ensure we always have a little spare in there. All other finances are separate and we spend as we please, and sometimes we will treat the other e.g. to dinner out from our own money rather than from the joint.

From your update he’s definitely taking the piss. So you pay for all food as well?? That’s surely a joint expense!….as is children’s clothing etc.
You need to do a spreadsheet with all expenses and split it down the middle, then he’ll see how cushy he’s had it all this time!

we have a joint account which we both pay a roughly equal amount in to (he’s paid weekly and I’m monthly so it’s not always exactly even but close). Everything for the house and children comes out of that including car maintenance, petrol (we have 1 car as DH has a work van), family days out, holidays, savings, etc (we have a separate joint savings account). I pay for some of the children’s clothing and the occasional day out from my personal money as I’m the slightly higher earner so rather than split the 40/60 or something like that we decided I’d just pay for some extras instead and it works for us.

Do you both share all household expenses but you pay for 100% of food and children's stuff? That is blatantly unfair and no way would I have put up with that. In future add it up and tell him what his half is and he has to reimburse you every month. Presumably they are his children too and he eats the food you buy? Why have you not addressed it before?

He’s taking the mickey- tight arse!
Genuine question though- how do you continue to love him and have a relationship with that personality. I’d be dry as a bone and wouldn’t find that attractive in the least.

@rrrrrreatt if you are both already on Monzo a join account takes minutes 😉

OP he’s hoodwinked you. No wonder he’s a bragger and feeling financially flush - he doesn’t pay for anything.

Go on your bank statements and work out over the last 3 months the average you’ve spent on food/clothes etc. Longer if you can be bothered. Then say to him look since you keep talking about it I’ve been meaning to raise this for a long time… it’s not on that I’m paying for everything. I’ve worked it out and I spend X per month and you contribute very little/sporadically. I’m going to adjust my direct debit so I only put in X from now on towards the mortgage/bills. I would say to him you need to make up for the past as well and so he should be putting in more at the moment to make up for how much you’ve had to spend.

Get your big girls pants on and tell him straight.

He’s a selfish bully.

Face up to him for once in your life (with the greatest respect).

What exactly are you afraid of?

So he’s taking the absolute piss financially! How on earth does he think it’s ok for you to cover all those extra costs??

You need to work out what you spend monthly on the kids & the household food shop (which is hugely expensive!) and tell him from now on that’s 50/50.