SIL being pregnant

[Charlotte2311]

Hi!

I'll try to make my msg short.

3 yrs ago I gave birth to the loveliest of little boys.
At the time of our pregnancy announcement, my SIL would not congratulate us, nor when our son was born. I guess she had some personal issues around that - but it's just me guessing, cause she never explained, nor excused her for her behaviour.
2 months ago, she told us she was expecting, so of course i wished her well.

Little bit of background info - my SIL and I never got along superwell. Over the 12 yrs we know each other, she's never shown any interest for my personal life, nor asked me to come along for a coffee etc (I'm not from around here). So basically we only meet at my MIL/FIL.

Now that she is pregnant, she's doing a whole 180 on me. Suddenly she loooves our son, wants to know all about our lives, AND wishes to join us for christmas markets, etc...

Honestly, I don't want that. She really hurt my feelings 3 yrs ago, and obv doesn't give a f about her attitude back then/before. So I have no intentions of hanging out with her now.

But of course, this is not at all to my in-laws likings, and I feel like I'm standing all by myself on this. My own family to which I am super close, lives 80miles away and it's really hard.

I have a real hard time being around her, as she's all chirpy and just keeps on chatting away. Already I'm dreading xmas holidays, as we'll all have to stay over at my inlaws.

And I don1t like feeling this way, I want peace of mind, and I can't really say it's jealousy I'm feeling (cause we're very happy with our own little family) , but something bugs me. I guess it's her whole attitude that just pisses me off. Usually I avoid hanging around people I don't like, but now, I trapped of course.

Anyone who went through a similar situation? Or has some advice?
Thanks

You're not trapped at all.

If you don't want to socialise with her then don't and if you don't want to see her at xmas then host your own xmas and invite who you want.

I mean, it's pretty freaking obvious what the issue was when your DC was born and pretty understandable that your SIL didn't want to spill her painful, vulnerable feelings about not being able to have her own baby on someone she didn't really know who had no empathy with her.

What would it really cost you to be the bigger person here and open yourself to getting to know her better? A bit of pride, offset against better family occasions, potentially a new friend, your DH being in a less awkward spot? Or you can just be polite but reserved. Your choice.

Maybe she realised how shit she was and this pregnancy is changing her for the better? Or maybe she wants her child to have a relationship with you/ your husband/ your sons. Nonetheless I'd just continue to keep it civil if you have no interest in a relationship with her. If she wants to see you, you can just meet at your ILs.

I wished I could. But I have no other family around here 😣

They don't need to be around you. They can travel.

Even then, I've always been civil to her, and of course she doesn't have to share her personal issues/feelings with anyone she doesn1t wish to. But If you decide to be rude about it, than at least make up some excuse.
Other than that, I've told my MIL, I don't want to cause any family drama, and I'll always be civil to her when we meet at their place, but any thing extra, I'm not in

Yes, I do feel she is kind off "making up" for her attitude back then. But I guess that just doesn't do it for me. I was brought up to face your mistakes and apologise, as hard as it may be.
And I've told my in-laws, that I'll keep on meeting up at their place for family gatherings, and be nice to her, but no more.
As for her wish of her kid to grow up with mine, I have no intention of joining, cause I just don't like her - sorry.

Other than that, I've told my MIL, I don't want to cause any family drama, and I'll always be civil to her when we meet at their place, but any thing extra, I'm not in

You are entitled to hold a grudge if you want but (as you say) the cost is that you won't get to spend much time with your only family on the area. Presumably your DH would also have to choose between spending time with them and you.

Is there a reason you don't want to do the grown up thing and tell her how you feel to clear the air?

All of this.
Infertility is fucking awful and can completely change you as a person.
You don't have to be best friends with her but encouraging a relationship between your child and hers would be beneficial as they are cousins.

I’d say it was really bloody obvious why she kept her distance! She may well have hurt your feelings but you need to cut her some slack- what brought you all that joy most likely put her in an unbelievably shitty and dark place. If you’ve never suffered infertility then you can’t comprehend.

You don’t have to be her best friend, but be civil for your kids sake at least.

As for her wish of her kid to grow up with mine, I have no intention of joining, cause I just don't like her - sorry.

There is a school of thought that one should do things for our children's good, even if we don't like it.

If that was why she was so dismissive she should say so. These threads always go the same way. Infertility isn’t justification for being a dick - people are speculating entirely that is what’s behind her behaviour - especially when she’s now being all over you.

I lost 5 pregnancies before having my first and managed not to ignore other people or be rude to them for having better luck. Trouble getting or staying pregnant does not give you carte blanche for this sort of behaviour, it just doesn’t.

OP, you don’t have to stay with your inlaws, have Christmas with your DH and son at home if you’d enjoy that more. And don’t feel obliged to pretend a closeness to this woman you don’t feel.

My very best friend can't have children, and I've been there for her all those years. But when I told her the news, she reacted mature (and of course, a little hurt). But she was grown-up about it.
Other that that, my SIL has always been rude - even before this event of 3yrs ago. So 😑

And another which says model healthy relationships to your children which means not being treated poorly and sucking it up.

Am I missing something? So she didn't say congrats and didn't go out with you anywhere. I really don't see the big deal. She then, following a big life event, decides she would like to sprang more time with you

What has she done that's so bad? I don't get it

Could you actually speak to her about this?
Maybe say that she seems to have had a complete turnaround with wanting to do lots of family things and asking why that is? Say that you tried not to mind when there were no congratulations 3 years ago as you assumed she had personal/fertility issues but that it stings a little that she now expects the opposite?
I don't know, maybe make things worse but it sounds like you have a poor relationship anyway and it might give her the chance to apologise to you which you obviously are wanting.

Exactly...
I can't go around be angry and revengefull at people who have a bigger house, higher salary, 4 cars instead of 2, ... it's ridiculous.
We all have our issues and challenges in life to deal with, but how you respond to it, is entirely your decision. And she made that choice 3 yrs ago.
I just don't feel I have to go along with that now.

Maybe.. But i'm not allowed to talk to her now from my MIL, "cause it may upset her pregnancy"..
Even then, It's kind off too little too late anyway. And as we're not close, there's not much to build upon.

Well MIL can do one as well. Honestly, have Christmas on your own.

Sorry but this is idiotic. Comparing the jealousy of someone having a bigger house than you to that of infertility?! Are you serious??

I agree with AnnelovesGilbert; being the bigger person doesn't mean that it's the responsibility of the OP. Sister in law couldn't even feign politeness and that's a minimum.

OP, I wouldn't be having these discussions with your mother in law though - she will always be on her daughter's side. Always. Keep your own counsel there.

80 miles away really isn't so far. Can you make arrangements to visit your own parents for Christmas? Meet up with husband's family earlier or later?

Yes, lesson learned about talking to my MIL (was actually more my DH who took it up, but anyway). Understandable too. I would react the same way.

I'll try to see how I can wiggle myself out of this xmas. Already put myself up available for an extra workshift on xmas eve.
But it's gonna be hard. We've had this tradition of alternating xmas holidays between both of our families. So it won't go down well at all.

Your poor husband!

I would be seriously unimpressed if my husband held a massive grudge and refused to hang out with my family because my sibling didn’t make sufficient effort/congratulate my pregnancy when they were evidently suffering fertility issues. You need to get over yourself to be honest as it’s coming across like you’re now throwing a strop because you didn’t get sufficient attention off her.

I can see where you’re coming from with this, it is hurtful when family don’t acknowledge or join in with your happy news. I’m in a similar situation, my inlaws are struggling with infertility and I’ve just had my second baby. They didn’t congratulate me when we shared our pregnancy news, and barely mentioned it at all and it did hurt. But if they are able to have a baby, and I really hope they do, I will make sure I congratulate them and welcome their new baby into the family. It must be very difficult to watch family having babies if you are struggling to have your own so I won’t hold it against them. Be the bigger person and you’ll all be happier.

Don't hang out with a rude person that you don't like 🤷🏻‍♀️ What's the issue?