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Original poster

SIL being pregnant

71 replies

Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 12:44

Hi!

I'll try to make my msg short.

3 yrs ago I gave birth to the loveliest of little boys.
At the time of our pregnancy announcement, my SIL would not congratulate us, nor when our son was born. I guess she had some personal issues around that - but it's just me guessing, cause she never explained, nor excused her for her behaviour.
2 months ago, she told us she was expecting, so of course i wished her well.

Little bit of background info - my SIL and I never got along superwell. Over the 12 yrs we know each other, she's never shown any interest for my personal life, nor asked me to come along for a coffee etc (I'm not from around here). So basically we only meet at my MIL/FIL.

Now that she is pregnant, she's doing a whole 180 on me. Suddenly she loooves our son, wants to know all about our lives, AND wishes to join us for christmas markets, etc...

Honestly, I don't want that. She really hurt my feelings 3 yrs ago, and obv doesn't give a f about her attitude back then/before. So I have no intentions of hanging out with her now.

But of course, this is not at all to my in-laws likings, and I feel like I'm standing all by myself on this. My own family to which I am super close, lives 80miles away and it's really hard.

I have a real hard time being around her, as she's all chirpy and just keeps on chatting away. Already I'm dreading xmas holidays, as we'll all have to stay over at my inlaws.

And I don1t like feeling this way, I want peace of mind, and I can't really say it's jealousy I'm feeling (cause we're very happy with our own little family) , but something bugs me. I guess it's her whole attitude that just pisses me off. Usually I avoid hanging around people I don't like, but now, I trapped of course.

Anyone who went through a similar situation? Or has some advice?
Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
SerCrispin · 23/11/2023 14:27

I get it OP. No matter how much over-the-top family loving she gives you or you son it won't undo what she did when he was born and you can't shake that feeling and the hurt.

Not being unreasonable in my opinion. She was the one who couldn't be mature those years ago and be happy for you and her brother.

Agreed with what others said about not confiding in your MIL about the situation as she will indeed always side with her daughter.

I hope you can have some time as your own family this Christmas as that's what's important.

EvenBetta · 23/11/2023 14:37

Why not spend Christmas at your own house and just visit your husband's relatives for a few hours? There's no reason to create drama where there is none. You can make small talk with everyone.

Dery · 23/11/2023 14:39

I just don’t see what you gain by holding a grudge over this. Don’t you just hurt yourself, your husband and your child?

Until I got pregnant, I didn’t really understand what a massive deal having children is. Probably shows a lack of intelligence and imagination on my part, but I’d be gutted if a close friend or family member held that against me years later.

And this is about your child’s family too - why wouldn’t you want your child to grow up close to a cousin who lives nearby and is relatively close in age?

GreatGateauxsby · 23/11/2023 14:48

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/11/2023 13:38

Well MIL can do one as well. Honestly, have Christmas on your own.

I agree.

I'd have been inclined to have a direct conversation to clear the air with SIL but by going to your MIL you burned that bridge.

Your options are now:

  • Say something and risk all hell breaking loose now matter how neutral, factual and forward looking you are about it
  • go along with it and smile
-refuse to go along with it and be the villain.
  • give SIL "medium chill" and appear to go along with it but keep her at arm's length in a way that's difficult to pinpoint or complain about
ie. Be pleasant enough you can't be accused of anything but commit to nothing and redirect to your DH as needed.

Personally I'd go to the Christmas markets with your family the week before and on the day of SILs trip have THE. WORST. HEADACHE. And send DH and DS to go play happy families with SIL while you enjoy a few hours of down town and watch a movie /wrap some gifts. Send SIL message to say how "super sad you were to miss it! Hugzzzz"

blacksax · 23/11/2023 15:01

I never, ever, discussed my (very difficult at times) relationship with SIL with my late MIL. Aside from everything else, she was SIL's mother, so whose side was she going to be on?

Sorry OP, but I'm not sure you've handled this as well as you could have done.

Candlesandflowers · 23/11/2023 15:05

I had an opposite situation to this - my SIL despised me and was openly hostile to me in the 10 years DH & I were together before kids. Then when I was pregnant she did a 180 and didn’t leave me alone - she’s now the most over bearing auntie, literally doesn’t leave us alone. I also harbor a grudge as I think it’s fake when people switch their feelings like that.

I’ve had to keep my feelings to myself and just grin and bear it. I’m sure when my kids are grown up she won’t be interested & that will probably be the same for your SIL. She wants the perfect family but once she’s busy with her kids I’m sure She’ll back off from you again.

Whataretheodds · 23/11/2023 15:12

Apart from not sending congrats when your baby was born, and not asking how are you, what did she do that was rude?

I might have missed something

toodleloop · 23/11/2023 15:13

Holding a grudge over something that happened 3 years ago and was rooted in someone's pain?
Do what you want - but it sounds like you've been waiting for this moment to get your 'revenge' and in the process, you'll deny your son the joy of growing up with cousins and cause a major family rift.
Too much drama for me, but you do you.

JanewaysBun · 23/11/2023 15:22

Unless there's a massive drip feed then this is really not the big deal you think it is. So what if she was uninterested in DS as a baby, fine if you dont want to go on spa trips or the hell that is christmas markets together but you can hang out in a family group, surely there will be at least 5 other adults there to chat to.

TinaYouFatLard · 23/11/2023 17:26

Is your DH allowed an opinion about your DC relationship with his cousin or do you make this decision alone?

Original poster
Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 17:35

You’re right. I think I’ll have to go with the option of smile nicely at her whenever we meet and get myself out of any extra’s with whatever excuse comes at hand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 17:36

Sorry to hear that.
And yes, I hope she will do exactly that 🤞

OP posts:
HollyJollyRobin · 23/11/2023 17:38

Hi OP,
I understand why you're taking this stand point to a degree...however I do think that maybe life is too short to hold grudges. And it would be nice for your child and hers to have a bond and relationship. It would be a shame if your child grew up wishing he had a relationship with his cousin and in my experience, cousins can sometimes be closer to you than siblings.
Also, I'm not excusing her behaviour, but maybe she didn't know how to deal with your pregnancy etc if she was struggling to conceive herself. And admitting that to people is one of the hardest things ever and something I never talked about until I was heavily pregnant.
I'm not saying you have to be best friends...but maybe as a starting point, go for a coffee...you may find she opens up a little and you can have a relationship going forward.

Original poster
Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 17:39

True. I see that now. As said earlier, my DH bought up the conversation so I kinda had to explain myself.
But on the otherhand, I’ve always gotten along very well with my MIL. We see each other almost every other day and do lots together. Which she herself never got with her own daughter

OP posts:
MyEyesMyThighs · 23/11/2023 17:42

"Over the 12 yrs we know each other, she's never shown any interest for my personal life, nor asked me to come along for a coffee etc"

Have you shown an interest in her and invited her out for coffee? It isn't clear if she actively rebuffed you when you were friendly or whether neither of you ever made an effort until now (with her making the effort, I mean).

I think bearing a grudge because someone didn't behave how you wanted them to, years ago, is going to cause you more harm than anyone else. Nobody will take your side in this, particularly her close relatives. You'll look petty and hard work.

Once your DC starts school, it'll be a baptism of fire of petty resentments and issues when someone doesn't get a party invite or does get star of the week. Try to work through this one now as practice, for your own sake.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/11/2023 17:52

I’ve always gotten along very well with my MIL. We see each other almost every other day and do lots together. Which she herself never got with her own daughter

I wonder if this set in the rot with your sister in law? It wouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that your mother in law used your good relationship with her to perhaps gee up her own daughter?

I know that posters are telling you to bury the hatchet, Charlotte but, I would urge caution. Your mother in law will always side with her daughter ultimately so best never to let there be an opportunity for 'taking sides'. I would also let your husband do the fostering relationships between your child and his cousin. Why is that on you to do? I wouldn't.

I think you're navigating just fine, I don't think you should blindly agree to anything... get the lay of the land and let your husband run interference - he has a relationship with both protagonists (your sister in law and mother in law) and he can well afford to buffer you from them and their demands.

Original poster
Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 19:29

MyEyesMyThighs · 23/11/2023 17:42

"Over the 12 yrs we know each other, she's never shown any interest for my personal life, nor asked me to come along for a coffee etc"

Have you shown an interest in her and invited her out for coffee? It isn't clear if she actively rebuffed you when you were friendly or whether neither of you ever made an effort until now (with her making the effort, I mean).

I think bearing a grudge because someone didn't behave how you wanted them to, years ago, is going to cause you more harm than anyone else. Nobody will take your side in this, particularly her close relatives. You'll look petty and hard work.

Once your DC starts school, it'll be a baptism of fire of petty resentments and issues when someone doesn't get a party invite or does get star of the week. Try to work through this one now as practice, for your own sake.

Oh believe me I’ve tried asking all about her job, hobbies, gardening projects…
Never got more than a yes, no, maybe… Nor any questions back at me. So then I stop asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 19:32

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/11/2023 17:52

I’ve always gotten along very well with my MIL. We see each other almost every other day and do lots together. Which she herself never got with her own daughter

I wonder if this set in the rot with your sister in law? It wouldn't be beyond the realms of possibility that your mother in law used your good relationship with her to perhaps gee up her own daughter?

I know that posters are telling you to bury the hatchet, Charlotte but, I would urge caution. Your mother in law will always side with her daughter ultimately so best never to let there be an opportunity for 'taking sides'. I would also let your husband do the fostering relationships between your child and his cousin. Why is that on you to do? I wouldn't.

I think you're navigating just fine, I don't think you should blindly agree to anything... get the lay of the land and let your husband run interference - he has a relationship with both protagonists (your sister in law and mother in law) and he can well afford to buffer you from them and their demands.

Thank you for your kind Words.

It’s exactly what I plan to do - let my DH handle that part of cousin relationship.
And I know the whole MIL situ is far from ideal - But at least she knows where I stand and won’t push me into hanging out with her daughter more than I can handle

OP posts:
Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:34

Wow, you really hold a grudge don’t you. Even though you know this woman was likely struggling with infertility, you’re going to hold it against her hard.

lovely.

KaylaDetmer · 23/11/2023 19:36

Why not meet with her and express all this
You never know she might be very apologetic and want to explain herself

I had a difficult relationship with my SIL until she had niece and we cleared the air. She apologised I understood why and we moved on.

Now we are exceptionally close six years on and close friends as well as SILs. Without giving her a chance and talking it out I'd have never had this.

Give her a chance- it might be one of the most rewarding relationships

KaylaDetmer · 23/11/2023 19:38

I should add she also never showed interest really and was distant.
I understood she was having fertility issues and before that was in a different stage of her life to us

fishshop · 23/11/2023 19:42

The woman was hurt and struggling with not being able to have her own baby. Not everyone can be ‘mature’ in this situation. you had your ‘loveliest of little boys’ - she didn’t think she was going to get that and she had to distance herself.

Do you have so little going on that you are still angry about this? Move on, smile at family events, be civil and stop holding a grudge.

no one is trying to make you go see Hamilton or a have a spa day with the woman. It’s literally not worth your energy to be mad with her.

Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:43

KaylaDetmer · 23/11/2023 19:38

I should add she also never showed interest really and was distant.
I understood she was having fertility issues and before that was in a different stage of her life to us

Have you name change failed op?

Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:44

Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:43

Have you name change failed op?

Show quote history

Oh sorry I see, it was a follow on post.

Frasers · 23/11/2023 19:44

Charlotte2311 · 23/11/2023 19:32

Thank you for your kind Words.

It’s exactly what I plan to do - let my DH handle that part of cousin relationship.
And I know the whole MIL situ is far from ideal - But at least she knows where I stand and won’t push me into hanging out with her daughter more than I can handle

Show quote history

Why as now she gets all the attention?