SIL being pregnant

[Charlotte2311]

Hi!

I'll try to make my msg short.

3 yrs ago I gave birth to the loveliest of little boys.
At the time of our pregnancy announcement, my SIL would not congratulate us, nor when our son was born. I guess she had some personal issues around that - but it's just me guessing, cause she never explained, nor excused her for her behaviour.
2 months ago, she told us she was expecting, so of course i wished her well.

Little bit of background info - my SIL and I never got along superwell. Over the 12 yrs we know each other, she's never shown any interest for my personal life, nor asked me to come along for a coffee etc (I'm not from around here). So basically we only meet at my MIL/FIL.

Now that she is pregnant, she's doing a whole 180 on me. Suddenly she loooves our son, wants to know all about our lives, AND wishes to join us for christmas markets, etc...

Honestly, I don't want that. She really hurt my feelings 3 yrs ago, and obv doesn't give a f about her attitude back then/before. So I have no intentions of hanging out with her now.

But of course, this is not at all to my in-laws likings, and I feel like I'm standing all by myself on this. My own family to which I am super close, lives 80miles away and it's really hard.

I have a real hard time being around her, as she's all chirpy and just keeps on chatting away. Already I'm dreading xmas holidays, as we'll all have to stay over at my inlaws.

And I don1t like feeling this way, I want peace of mind, and I can't really say it's jealousy I'm feeling (cause we're very happy with our own little family) , but something bugs me. I guess it's her whole attitude that just pisses me off. Usually I avoid hanging around people I don't like, but now, I trapped of course.

Anyone who went through a similar situation? Or has some advice?
Thanks

I have not named changed I'm not the OP

The OP doesn’t know that. No one does. It’s only a speculation because that what some women with fertility problems would do.
For all the OP knows, the reason might be very different.

It’s a fairly educated guess though given the context.

@Charlotte2311 "always rude!" you are right OP!! I would not want to have anything to do with her either!! your in laws must have seen how she was with you as did your hubby so no one nowhas the right to tell you to give her a free pass!! as for all those people telling you to let it go? I wouldnt either!! She should have acted like the adult she supposedly was, after all it was not your fault she was having trouble conceiving! as for staying over at in laws, I gather that you live pretty close so no need for that. go and see your own folk or have them at yours or even just have it with your own wee family!

Okay I'm preparing for the backlash but here goes. Why is it acceptable to treat someone badly just because you may struggle to conceive? Plenty of people have health issues they don't turn into passive aggressive bullies. I think you should remain civil and focus on making friendships independent of the family. Clearly they will always choose her feelings over yours.

Where has the speculation about SIL having infertility issues come from? The OP didn’t say that her SIL struggled to get pregnant, she may have got pregnant easily.

If your SIL has been off with you for 12 years, OP, it’s clearly nothing to do with your son’s arrival three years ago. Presumably she doesn’t like you much and the feeling’s become mutual after years of her unfriendliness. You reap what you sow!

I think your plan to let your DH organize the cousins’ future interaction is the best approach. Otherwise you can see your SIL just at your in-laws as you currently do and you don’t need to make any further effort to see her.

Personally, I wouldn’t try to wriggle out of this year’s Christmas plans, I’d grin and bear it…and make alternative arrangements with your side of the family next year.

Exactly, @LeRougeEtLeNoir , I suspect that the SIL didn’t struggle with infertility, I think she just doesn’t like the OP/is generally jealous of her for some reason probably because the OP is a nicer person then she is.

Can people stop being so harsh to OP
I've had a number of miscarriages and a still born and I would always congratulate a pregnant woman. I really wish people wouldn't use infertility as an excuse for bad behaviour.

OP - do what works for you and your immediate family. If you feel you can't move forward maybe ask a family member to speak to her to explain why. It may open up dialogue between the two of you and you can take it from there. You have already taken the high ground by congratulating her.

You really sound like you're in the wrong here, and playing the victim. Let it go, if not to do the right thing but for your child- to deprive them of a relationship with their cousin just because you're feeling miffed from a tiny thing from years ago? That's really effed up.

The only people losing out in this situation is your children.

I wasn't necessarily close with my SIL when I had my son 5 years ago, my brother and SIL have had a baby themselves this year and we've become much closer because of it. It's lovely seeing our children interact and hopefully the bond they're making will last for life.

I understand why you want to hold a grudge but remember that's all your holding and this will affect your husband and your child in the future. You don't have to be best friends but just try to be nice.

She hasn't been arsed about having any kind of relationship with her nephew for the last 3 years. Why should OP be arsed about a relationship between cousins?

Struggling with infertility is one thing, she didn't owe anyone an explanation about that. But refusing to even congratulate a family member on their pregnancy and then having little to no relationship with your own nephew tells me she's just a shit person and it's got fuck all to do with her infertility.

12 years is a long time to have tolerated such rudeness.

I think you are navigating this well.

Remain polite when you absolutely can't avoid her, but carry on as before.

Of course her mum will side with her, but you were correct to spell it out to your MIL so there isn't any confusion.

As for Christmas, you can change arrangements any time you like.

I don't agree with arrangements being set in stone for life, screw that.

Your husband can indeed be responsible for the cousin relationship.

This is best to establish, as with gifts etc.

You can remain polite, respectful but ultimately disinterested, just as she has.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert that we all have our load to carry.

Whatever about the 3 years since your child was born, 12 years is simply too long to be now accepting a complete about turn, just because it suits her.

Your relationship is what it is.
Keep to your politeness and no more.
You'll avoid future drama that way I reckon.

These are my thoughts exactly. At no point do you give any indication that you’re pleased for her that she will now have a child. It sounds as if you are now the one resenting her pregnancy , now that you will no longer have the advantage over her of having a child.

Your SIL is hoovering you because she will want pretty present and lovely words for her newborn and of course you must provide them.

She was selfish before, she is selfish now and she will be selfish in the future. Grey rock is the way forward.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I've never seen eye to eye with my SIL but as we've both had children we seem to have put things behind us and have forged a relationship for the sake of the cousins. As time has gone I've learned her personality and now, while I can be anxious ahead of a visit, more often than not I find I enjoy her company. I would be cautious about opening up too much, but if she wants a now then I'd take it at face value and enjoy her change of her heart. For all you know she's had significant fertility issues an it's only now she's expecting she can allow herself to open up a relationship with your LO.

OP says her SIL has been rude for 12 years. OP had a baby 3 years ago. If people are speculating that SIL may have been struggling with infertility, how does that explain her behaviour for the 9 years before OP had a baby? As for facilitating a relationship between cousins, OP’s DH can do that if it’s important to him.

Not hard to understand what’s going on here. She didn’t congratulate you or show interest because she was struggling to conceive or had had a miscarriage so it was too hurtful. Now she’s finally pregnant, she feels she can heal from the past hurt and show an interest in small children again. Getting pregnant does naturally heal a lot of the pain from previous struggles with loss or conception so she’s clearly just feeling like a lot of that pain has lifted.

Entirely up to you whether you want a relationship with her going forwards but I’d say that’s what has happened here.

“But on the otherhand, I’ve always gotten along very well with my MIL. We see each other almost every other day and do lots together. Which she herself never got with her own daughter”

@Charlotte2311 - this is not necessarily a reflection on your SIL or not entirely. I would say it reflects quite badly on your MIL.

I get on better with my PILs than my DH does. He would be the first to say they’re great as grandparents but they were not particularly good as parents and he doesn’t feel that close to them
emotionally. I have none of that problematic history.

There is a fair amount of fault on the mother’s side here. You’ve got children, OP. Can you imagine allowing a situation where you just don’t get on with them and you let that be known? Where you overtly prefer and prioritise someone else’s company over your child’s? It probably brings up quite a lot of hurt for your SIL seeing her mum close to you and sharing confidences about her. Not your fault but something to be aware of. Here is a chance to build a warm relationship with her. Why not take it?

I’d be inclined to sit back and see how things are over time. Don’t make any special effort now, but if she’s really decided that she wants to build bridges after 12 years, she’ll keep trying.

If it’s simply that she wants attention and perhaps future offers of babysitting, it’ll become obvious.

sorry to be so cynical, but 12 years is a kong time to be unfriendly.

Wise, nuanced post as always @Dery

OP, I hope you give this post some thought.

Has it merit?

More forgiving than mine!

12 years is a long time for her to have treated you badly, is it linked to your increasingly close relationship with her mother and her feeling isolated?

So do posters really believe it's OK for sil to be horrible for 12 years,be horrible during ops pregnancy, ignore her nephew but now she's pregnant op has to be all Brady Bunch and ask to be part of the sil happy crew?
I wouldn't trust her an inch and would expect at some point like a baby shower she'll chuck you under the bus with saying you've undertaken alleged meanness.
Agree with pp let your dh deal with building the relationship with his family.