Men who want "sexual chemistry"

[Sundaycoffee]

Online dating- is this a sign they are probably only looking for casual/one thing when they say this? A lot of men have sexual chemistry stated in their profile.
Obviously a relationship does require sexual chemistry but when this is stated over anything else should I be wary?
I'm not very good at nor do I want casual sex. I'm in my 30s and would like to meet someone.
I am talking to a man who has told me he "wants to invest time in the right person but is keen to take things slowly and find someone he clicks with and has sexual chemistry with" 🙄
Am I being too harsh I assuming he's probably only looking for one thing?

Was it Austin Powers 🤔😭

I do find standard dating apps to be full of both men and women who refuse to be upfront about what they like, want and expect from sex. The more people start talking about it on profiles and in chat before actually having sex, the better imo.

I'm not putting exactly what I like on my profile, because I'd get a whole load of blokes who'd want to meet, and then complain I didn't put out, but my profile says I'm into X, and that'sthe only reasoni they matched, etc... I might be into X, but not with just anyone. I still need to find them attractive - to have that chemistry.

Also, a lot of people aren't always sure about what they like. There have been some things I liked the idea of, but when it came to the reality, it's not so good. Some things I have very strong boundaries with anyone, but there are other things that with someone I know and trust, i feel safe to do, but not with others. Some people who have been in long relationships think they're not that into sex, then a new partner makes them realise otherwise- it was about the partner more than themselves.

However, while I'd not put it on my profile, I would normally expect to have talked about it before we go to bed together, so I agree about more openness there. But still, there will be plenty of people who may not know about some things, because they've never tried. I've learnt a lot about me while dating, not just others.

Im picturing him with a fedora, wide lapel suit and chewing a toothpick 😂

With less actual sex appeal 🤣🤣

Honestly he didn’t make enough of an impression to remember anything about him other than that comment which made me crack up.

I do hope he was having a bit of fun because if he was serious - OMG

“From my recent OLD experience I have spoken to several guys who all say they want ‘instant chemistry like in the movies’. “

And we all know what kind of ‘movies’ those are… certainly not chick flicks.

Depending on the app your on you seen to get different types of weirdness ( I absolutley loved a previous post in her summing up the dating mugshots in animal form!!-? Brilliant).
My tactic has been to be completely straight with everyone I speak to when it gets near suggesting of meeting that I have no interest in ons, fwb, other random hookup situations. I'm looking for a best friend who MIGHT or might not want to go on to have sex with at some point in time, but if they are thinking it's a given they've got the wrong person.
Unless profiles say just looking for fun sex with a lady or one of fun or the like which i avoid anyway, as long as they don't sound wider than the general standard of OLD men and have something of interest, I'll chat to them and give them that message. I actually haven't had one who had been shocked by it and they've all ( well at this point only got to 7) said they wouldn't even be thinking it for several dates and they are looking for relationships not quick sex.

If you're uncertain spell it out and judge the reaction. If they drop contact you know. But if they like you and do meet you they know not the be expecting anything until you tell them otherwise.

Frankly, I think chemistry can be very easily read before you get into bed with someone. Either it will be perfectly obvious right away that you want to shag them senseless, or as you get to know them and discover they have a very appealing personality, you will become more and more keen to get into bed.

Once you kiss them, you will have all the clues you need to know whether they're going to be any good in bed. Maybe other people have the experience that someone they feel ambivalently attracted or is a dud kisser turns out to be amazing in bed, and someone they are champing at the bit for who's a great kisser turns out to be a total fizzer, but I haven't.

Whether someone is relationally suited to you takes time to ascertain, and is the more important aspect for a successful relationship. If the sexual chemistry is solid, it will not putter out while you take a few dates (or weeks) to get to know someone; in fact it will only grow more intense.

If you have gotten to know someone over a few weeks and promising early twinges of sexual chemistry have puttered out, it's because you've discovered you don't really like them all that much as a person.

So anyone who makes a point of saying they prioritise 'sexual chemistry' obviously has their priorities in a very different order to me, and that's enough for me to swipe left.

My friend did online dating for a few years. She said anyone that mentioned being sex positive, sexual chemistry or sex in any way before you’d met them were ones she learnt were pervs/time wasters/fantasists/clueless in bed/didn’t know that they wanted/married/in some other way a loser. 😂

She has some very funny stories to tell in those few years though, safe to say there are some very weird people walking amongst us! If I didn’t know her well, I’d have thought she was making some of it up.

Maybe other people have the experience that someone they feel ambivalently attracted or is a dud kisser turns out to be amazing in bed, and someone they are champing at the bit for who's a great kisser turns out to be a total fizzer, but I haven't.

If they're a dud kisser, I won't be finding out what they're like in bed. Being a good kisser is part of being good in bed.

Whether someone is relationally suited to you takes time to ascertain, and is the more important aspect for a successful relationship. If the sexual chemistry is solid, it will not putter out while you take a few dates (or weeks) to get to know someone; in fact it will only grow more intense.

Totally agree. That’s how it is for me. We’re all different but I like to get to know the person with the chemistry and anticipation building. And I don’t even want to kiss someone unless that attraction is there. If I feel half arsed about whether I fancy someone, I’ll kiss on cheek until I'm
sure.

Its very different to meeting someone in the wild where the first evening often consists of a drunken kiss as you’ve already decided there’s enough attraction to speak to them on the first place.

OLD is a strange animal to me. It all seems a bit back to front but it is what it is.

My friend is a journalist/blogger/screenwriter and I remember a few years ago she wrote an article based on her OLD experiences.

At the time I was in a LTR and remember laughing out loud at her stories and thinking there was a lot of poetic license involved. After trying OLD for a few months - I now know she wasn’t exaggerating 😀

To be fair- some men are crap in bed. ( I say men because I have no experience of women!)

Interestingly, I dated a guy online who went on and on about sexual compatibility, how he’d been in relationships with women who hardly wanted sex…etc etc

but he was telling on himself! The sex was …ok, but he didn’t listen to what I wanted and just hammered away. And gave up being remotely affectionate after the first time we slept together. Hardly made a move, would go home by himself after dates. He was actually very unconfident sexually, and it gave me the ick. He was a nice guy though.

the interesting thing was he was clearly discussing everything about our relationship with his female friends who were obviously getting a VERY skewed view of reality - there’s a reason he always found himself with women who had a ‘low sex drive’

think these guys who talk about ‘sexual chemistry’ want women to behave like porn stars while they lie bavk and think of England.

It is exactly this.

They’re warning you that they expect sex on the first date or two and reserve the right to reject you afterwards on the basis that the sex wasn’t hot enough. Run a mile from anyone who mentions sex in their profile.

It also means they’re deeply stupid. I mean if I was trying to manipulate a string of women into casual sex I like to think I’d be a bit cleverer about it.

The non vanilla thing also intrigues me. It could cover such a wide spectrum much of which is actually pretty enjoyable but it does come across as a bit of a red flag as in ‘I warned you so you can’t say no to my perverted sexual demands’

SamW98

I saw some of this on my brief foray into FEELD

i also hooked up (an experience I do regret but hey , shit happens!) with a fellow who made a bit of a song and dance about his ‘style’ of sex positivity , chatty chatty he was ( he used the word dom 🙉)

he tugged my hair (a bit )
he lightly put his hands around my neck (again mild enough it didn’t bother me )
but I think he could only manage to come once so he wanted to shag once and it lasted for hours (I prefer a bit more and a break in between )

anyway it was quite the eye opener

vanilla schamilla I say

They mean "woman who will do all the porno stuff"

I body swerve anyone that says they need 'sexual chemistry', or is 'sex positive' or 'open-minded' (what's that about) or wants 'fun', all signs of something I'm not looking for! All of this would be highly dependent on the person and not something I'm just offering.

Ditto. I’d rather go on a date and if there is a connection then go from there rather than arriving knowing sex is pretty much the expectations

Amazing.

My boyfriend told me one thing - you don't need love to have sex.

But you need sex to deepen your love.

@Thisisworsethananticpated

That reminds of a friend who met a guy online who claimed to be ‘kink friendly’ - his exact words.

She said he literally pulled her hair, smacked her arse and said ‘yeah you love it rough don’t you’ while they were having very average sex 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

It's a way of saying they want free sex but also providing a get out of jail free card.

Thanks for the sex, but we're not compatible.

So crappy and creepy.

Like you won't pull someone's hair to give pain and call It's BDSM boys oh yeah.

Inflicting pain is different from authentic kink.

Sorry for the woman

It’s exactly what PP have said - they want sex, preferably like they’ve seen in porn, they want it on the first date (often not even a date, back of the car will do) and they’ll use ‘lack of chemistry’ as an excuse when they’ve had what they wanted, especially if it doesn’t live up to their expectations - although ime men who expect this shit are distinctly average in bed themselves.

OLD is full of them but there are good ones - I wasted 2 years on there before I met my bf and we have the best sex of my life, he never mentioned it once when we were talking and we didn’t sleep together on the first date but it’s got better and better as our relationship has developed because for me that’s how genuine chemistry works.

Sounds good when men don't think with their .....as we all say.

Happy to see you happy

Stay blessed dear.

My gut says why would you mention that in a dating profile.

But then I think about how many relationship threads I've seen on here where people openly say they're not bothered about sex, their partner is shallow if they care about having an active sex life, they're not bothered if they never have sex again, sex doesn't interest them so once in a blue moon is enough for them, it's not a key part of a romantic relationship, if sex life dies it's fine and the other partner mustn't love or respect them if they're not happy being indefinitely celibate etc.

I can imagine it might be good to be up front about wanting a healthy sex life in a relationship so you don't waste your time.