Men who want "sexual chemistry"

[Sundaycoffee]

Online dating- is this a sign they are probably only looking for casual/one thing when they say this? A lot of men have sexual chemistry stated in their profile.
Obviously a relationship does require sexual chemistry but when this is stated over anything else should I be wary?
I'm not very good at nor do I want casual sex. I'm in my 30s and would like to meet someone.
I am talking to a man who has told me he "wants to invest time in the right person but is keen to take things slowly and find someone he clicks with and has sexual chemistry with" 🙄
Am I being too harsh I assuming he's probably only looking for one thing?

Ditto. I am very much interested in meeting someone who I have a sexual connection with but I don’t want to go along to a first date where sex is the only thing that’s really on offer.

If I’m attracted to someone, then I want to explore the connection physically and mentally - but whether it’s the 1st date or the 10th there has to be more than just a casual shag.

The thing is, it's such a given that men will want sex that if they start emphasising it like that, it just makes you think he isn't going to care about anything else.

Straight people have to remember they're trying to make themselves attractive to the opposite sex. It's no good banging on about what your sex is likely to value most if you're not trying to attract a member of that sex.

Yes, stereotypes, I know I know. But you know what I mean. A man might think a sex-based profile looks reasonable to him, but what do women want?

It's up to them how they word their profile. If they want to make sure they rule out the ones who are not all that bothered about sex (whilst also ruling out many who love sex but are put off by the message) then that's their decision. It shortens the list.

Maybe they came out of a long dead bedroom marriage and would do anything to avoid a similar fate second time round.

It's a ridiculous thing to put on a bio if you ask me. Of course there needs to be sexual chemistry if you want a sexual, physical relationship. It doesn't need stating and really for most women I know, by the time you reach your 50's-ish, chemistry tends to grow over time as you get to know someone better. These 50+ year old men are pretty deluded about their sex appeal if they think we are going to act like rampant teenagers around them. It's a yawn from me, and a swipe left!!

and would do anything to avoid a similar fate second time round.

Would they take time to get to know someone?

I have no idea - you'd have to ask them.

Personally I wouldn't take time getting to know someone first. It's pretty much sex first then work the rest out later. If they are crap/the chemistry isn't there, then I am not interested.

Unfortunately that does also come across a bit 'only up for casual ' if things don't work out but it's not meant that way.

As a mature woman I’m amazed at these 50+ men who think that a roll in the sack with zero commitment is an offer we can’t refuse.

If I had a pound for the men who have said ‘I know you say you’re not looking for a FWB but……’ like they’re so irresistible that one Prosecco from them and our knickers will fall off.

You wouldn't do anything then. You'll put an order on a profile but you won't actually do anything involving effort.

Well if you don't care about getting to know someone then you've only yourself to blame if you're missing out on long-term chemistry because you don't get how it often works.

You don't get a sexy, horny woman by stipulating one on your profile. You have to meet up and generate something between you. Love isn't discovered, like America or oil. It's created between people.

Plenty of women have a high libido but that doesn't mean they're not selective about who they use it with or it just unlocks itself because you're present.

Incidentally, if your experience has been that most women are unenthusiastic about sex...

I'm assuming you're brilliant in bed then. 😂

Go on then give us a checklist then.

I'm sure we'd all love to hear.

@PosterBoy and provided you're clear and up front about 'sex first' in your profile I think that's absolutely fine. It's what can be read into terms like 'sex positive' and 'sexual chemistry' when people aren't as upfront as you about what that means to them, that causes misunderstanding.

Fair enough. To me that's exactly what they mean by wanting sexual chemistry but I guess you could clarify with them if you weren't sure.

I wouldn't use a standard dating app anymore tbh, the inability to discuss sex straightforwardly and blurred lines around consent are far higher on there than on feeld/fet/fab type apps - where, believe it or not, a lot of people really do want and find long term relationships. It just cuts to the chase quicker.

I don't believe in slow burn chemistry ... for me ... Of course some of you may have found it a thing for you. For me, if it's not there straight away then hanging round trying to create it just leads to shit sex. I do believe in chemistry that deepens and evolves over time - that's a beautiful thing - but if the spark's not there from the start, then it's not there, for me.

blurred lines around consent

Holy shit. What's confusing you?

You can have an immediate physical attraction but still want to get to know someone a bit better to build the emotional connection before sex. For me that’s where my best relationships have gone from with the best sexual compatibility.

I used to wait and make them wait for penetrative sex. I did feel the relationships in which I did that went my way, as such. They fell for me. Maybe coincidental (?)

However .... Big however, I realised that in two or three cases, I was then too attached and invested at several months in, to react the way I should have to sexual incompetence and other sexual issues (premature ejaculation, lack of foreplay, lack of oral skills, lack of manual skills, selfishness, cluelessness, perfectly happy to go along with no orgasm for me if I let them etc etc).

Maybe if I'd had sex straight off and discovered these things early in the (potential) relationship, I'd have ended it. Instead of being too invested and emotional to do so and then putting up with a shit sex life for months or years.

As for this blokes profile, I don't know if he means he's after casual or not.

Take it slowly ... If he means, take it slow commitment wise but not sexually; hmm, no mate.

Sexual chemistry doesn't need tested with sex anyway, kissing etc is enough

@PosterBoy well if you're on Fab etc that's a whole different ball game (no pun intended!) and it's a given that sex is very much up front and centre for everyone on there, even if they're open to it potentially developing into more. But going back to the OP, I would think she's on a mainstream dating app, so my response and others is in relation to the expectations of women using those apps.

I've been married for years and have never had need of OLD thank God, but to me, I reckon what they mean by sexual chemistry is their fantasy ideal of a woman who is sex mad, desperate and perpetually gagging for it all the time.

I admit I'm also wondering what "inability to discuss sex straightforwardly" means. But the consent thing is scarier.

I take needing sexual chemistry as a given. I mean, if we meet and there's no chemistry (and there have been those,) we will not be making it to bed, however well we got on before that. I already have a lot of friends. So it's not really necessary to state it.

I tend to prefer having sex early on - if a guy is shit in bed, I don't want to waste time getting emotionally invested. But there's no chance my profile's ever going to say, "often up for first date sex," nor anything other than whether I'm looking for a man or woman.

I suppose they're marginally better than the ones who have an empty profile or "just ask" or "No one ever reads these," but it is still a very, very low bar...

Also I think for some of us, we’re not saying sex straightaway is off the table but we don’t want to turn up on a date knowing theres an expectation of a guaranteed shag rather than a possibility of a spontaneous end to the night.

It would make me think their ex went off sex with them and I'd wonder why

And anyone that calls sex ‘fun’ makes me shudder

"The new one seems to be ‘sex positivity’ on their profile. I asked one what he meant by that and his reply ‘I’m hot stuff in the sack baby’ - course you are mate." ha ha wtf

It’s a bit like saying ‘I want to find someone I fancy ‘
its a no brainer right ?

that said maybe I need to remove the word ‘sexy’ from my not yet live profile 🤔

I don't want sex if it's not fun, though...

Fun seems to be an OLD term meaning hook up or ONS - why not just call it what it is?