Husband exaggerating in marriage counselling

[SunPlant20]

NC for this. Dh and I have started marriage counselling to improve our communication.

The problem is, he's exaggerating certain things about me in the sessions and it's really getting me down. For example he told the therapist I have 'uncontrollable' fights with my sibling. The truth is, me and my sibling are best friends and super close. The 'fights' he is describing are actually over dinner (and a glass of wine) debates about stuff like American politics. Things get a bit heated (they can really push my buttons!) but we never fall out and always hug it out at the end. Also, 99% of the time we get on great. To say they are uncontrollable' is total hyperbole and I think implies we have some sort of rolling on the ground scraps with eachother!

It feels like he is purposely trying to paint me in a certain light. He even said 'I win' as soon as we came out of our last session and that's exactly how it feels. Like he's trying to 'win'. He said he was only joking and apologised, but it did make me feel upset.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm totally open to understanding how I can make changes but I'm worried these exaggerations will skew the therapists view of me and possibly impact her approach.

I don't what to do? Do I say anything next time? Or just let him say whatever and see how things unfold?

He sounds a really nasty piece of work. I would start the next session by telling the therapist exactly what he said when you two were alone afterwards.

Are you sure you want to stay with this man?

What's the issue that takes you to the therapist?

Wait for him to finish and then say very calmly: I have an entirely different perspective on that. Then say about the 'uncontrollable' fights what you said here. Point out they don't come to blows, they always end amicably and that you adore each other so feel confident enough to have heated debates in which you hold opposing opinions. It's a sign of the security of your affection for each other. See how he and the therapist respond to a calmly different report of the situation.

Do you think the therapist is convinced by him? It is entirely possible that they have clocked what he is doing and may let you know separately.

Some great suggestions about how to appropriately challenge his statements up thread. I'd do that and see how he and the therapist reacts.

You can't do therapy with someone who thinks it's about "winning" - that would have me cutting my losses and getting out

My first question is why are you seeking counselling? Because recommendations are generally that couples counselling doesn't work when one person is abusive or controlling. So I would be interested to know if what you are seeing as "communication issues" are actually more.

Then I would say you absolutely should be flagging it in the session. Isn't that what therapy is about? It's about having a space where you both get to say your piece in a constructive way. I think it's quite telling (as per my point above) that you are not even sure if you're "allowed" to question his perspective. Even in therapy.

Next time, when he's finished, say something. In this example, it could have been something like, "It's interesting how you perceive those relationships. I consider myself to be extremely close to my siblings. Debating and discussing things is part of who we are as a family, and we all enjoy it, even if it does get heated. I can honestly say that none of us have ever had any significant longer term issues with each other as a result. Ultimately, my siblings are my support structure and I know they 100% have my back and vice versa,"

What a nasty, spiteful shit of a man. Why you're bothering with counseling is beyond we, and why you didn't immediately challenge him is confusing.

You are massively wasting your time trying to save this relationship.

Oh, and I'd also raise the "I win" statement with the therapist. Start next session by saying you're concerned that your DH is not fully engaging with the process. That last week you were felt he misrepresented how you are with your siblings and then said, "I win" at the end and how that made you feel.

But I think the reality is that he's probably a controlling, emotionally abusive wanker who is only going to therapy to appease you and, if he's lucky, to use as another stick to beat you with.

The winning comment says it all really. I don’t think you’re going to get very far if he’s approaching therapy as a game to win. There’s no point going if he’s not going to engage properly with it. I wonder if his behaviour stems from insecurity and a need to be liked by the therapist.

Do this. The counsellor needs to know that he’s seeing the session as something he needs to win.
And next time, don’t just let him say these things unchallenged. Say that this isn’t what happens. If you let him dominate the session like this you’ll get no benefit whatsoever from the counselling.

Yeah, mention the 'I win' comment at the next session and say you don't see marriage as a battle or therapy as a boxing ring and don't know how to proceed if he does. See how he and the therapist react

Thank you for the replies. Much appreciated.

To answer why we're having the counselling. We're not having it because we're having huge issues or on the brink of a split. It's really to improve how we communicate when we have disagreements. He can be defensive and finds it hard to talk about feelings and I feel misunderstood and unheard sometimes.

So it was meant to be a positive thing to help us grow as a couple. That's why I have been surprised that he's taken this 'winning' approach.

Thank you for the recommendations on how to tackle this. I'll definitely try them. I think I'll also say about what he said when we left the last session. I know he'll be pissed off because he said it was a 'joke' but I think it's probably a case of 'many a true word is spoken in jest'.

Is it definitely communication issues you're in counselling for, or is it an emotionally abusive relationship?

Cos if the latter, this kind of thing is the reason joint counselling is generally advised against.

It wasn't a joke at all and you know it. I suspect his dominance and control over you is very important to him indeed.

This is why we don't offer relationship therapy when there is any form of abuse, it plays out in the room and often leads to the problems worsening. Your partner sounds controlling to me. A good therapist will have clocked it but I have heard of therapists being manipulated by it which then tips the therapeutic relationship in favour of one party which is clearly biased. Personally I'd suggest you have 1-1 therapy to discuss your feelings further, good luck op 😁

I'm kicking myself that I didn't challenge things, but she was advocating active listening and so thought I needed to just listen. It stirred up such a feeling of injustice in me and I was worried that might cloud how I react but I've reflected on it since and I feel like he definitely misrepresented me.

When I spoke to him about it after he said that speaking in absolutes and hyperbole is hard to avoid when he's feeling worked up.

If I was to give him the benefit of the doubt, I guess he might be being this way because he struggles to talk about his feelings and so maybe isn't as mindful about how he speaks when he's feeling strongly about something.

So it was meant to be a positive thing to help us grow as a couple. That's why I have been surprised that he's taken this 'winning' approach.

This is key. Counselling is not a battle where you are pit against each other, but a tool to help you address issues together as a team. If he sees it as the former it will never be successful!! As you say he’s generally the defensive sort it sounds like this is what he is taking into counselling ie getting on the offensive from the off. Hopefully your counsellor will pick up and call him out on it fairly early, and things can become more constructive. Good luck

On his first point about you and your sibling, if your counselling is to help communication then you and he have different communication styles, so perhaps to him your discussions with sibling do seem like uncontrollable fights. That's something you can bring up in counselling, that he seems to see it one way and you another.

But the "I win" comment was ridiculous. Also bring that up in. Is he not fully on board with counselling? Both of you need to engage with it for it to have a positive effect.

"I know he'll be pissed off because he said it was a 'joke'"
As for this, part of learning how to communicate better should be him learning that what he sees as a joke doesn't necessarily come across that way to you.

I'd save your money on therapy and use it to fund your divorce. I'm not trying to be flippant but someone who comes out of a therapy session and says 'I won' is someone who is not trying to build a loving relationship with you, it's someone who is trying to get one over on you and beat you. He's telling you that 'winning' in his head is more important than your relationship. So, if this counselling is a last ditch attempt to save your relationship I'd say it was already over. Sorry OP, but you're better off without this person, he sounds utterly horrible.

I don't think he's abusive. He struggles when it comes to communicating negative emotions (he's much better with positive emotions). He didn't grow up in a very emotionally available family.

The therapist did offer one-one-one sessions, so I think I'll email her to arrange one. I can be totally open then.

In that case, I'd also bring it up at your next joint session. If the therapist doesn't then create space for it to be discussed along with his self-acknowledged tendency to speak "in absolutes and hyperbole" when worked up, then they aren't much cop.

You can disagree by asking him for further clarification. You can say, it’s interesting you chose the word uncontrollable as that is very different from my perspective. Can you elaborate on what you see as uncontrollable? Then after he explains, you explain your view that while it may be heated in the moment, all of you are in control and know the boundaries of what would cross into hurtful and are careful to not cross those boundaries. That he can see yo all lane on good terms and these are differences of opinions that get intense but that you all respect each others right to their own viewpoint.

I would use the same approach to his “I won comment”. what do you mean by I won. What did you win? Do you see this as a competition rather than a working together? Is this a game? How do we move forward together if you are thinking of us as winners and losers

I bet he won't 'agree' to you going alone op.

This and also at the start of the next session point out how he believes and that you feel he isn’t taking it seriously

In a few words you've painted a vivid picture, I'm pretty sure I can imagine just the kind of insecure man who'd say that "I win" thing as a so-called joke after the session. So cringe worthy.

If he doesn't have the maturity and grounded confidence to approach this earnestly and seriously, but instead has to joke around because he's too much of a coward to confront truths, he isn't worth pouring your feelings out to in counselling.

Well that's my opinion anyway. I've got no time for insecure jokers. Reminds me of a horrific manager I had at work in the past