Husband exaggerating in marriage counselling

[SunPlant20]

NC for this. Dh and I have started marriage counselling to improve our communication.

The problem is, he's exaggerating certain things about me in the sessions and it's really getting me down. For example he told the therapist I have 'uncontrollable' fights with my sibling. The truth is, me and my sibling are best friends and super close. The 'fights' he is describing are actually over dinner (and a glass of wine) debates about stuff like American politics. Things get a bit heated (they can really push my buttons!) but we never fall out and always hug it out at the end. Also, 99% of the time we get on great. To say they are uncontrollable' is total hyperbole and I think implies we have some sort of rolling on the ground scraps with eachother!

It feels like he is purposely trying to paint me in a certain light. He even said 'I win' as soon as we came out of our last session and that's exactly how it feels. Like he's trying to 'win'. He said he was only joking and apologised, but it did make me feel upset.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm totally open to understanding how I can make changes but I'm worried these exaggerations will skew the therapists view of me and possibly impact her approach.

I don't what to do? Do I say anything next time? Or just let him say whatever and see how things unfold?

That is a hugely concerning sign.

You need to counter him every time in therapy. Every time.

Doesn’t the therapist make a space for you to respond to his depiction of you in the session?

The “i win” comment you need to talk about.

But the argument one, that might legitimately be how he sees it. I know some of the “debates” my family has would send some of my friends into shock because their families don’t act like that!

That means he knew very well that his depiction of your family argument simply wasn’t a reflection of reality.
So he is there ‘to win’ AND he us ready to use any means, incl using things that he knows aren’t true.

Its getting worse tbh.

And I’m nit surprised you have issue ‘communicating’ when you have some disagreements. He is showing his true colours there.

Thank you for the replies. The 'uncontrollable' fighting with my sibling comment was made almost at the end of the session so there wasn't a chance for the therapist to speak about it. Perhaps she would have if we had more time she would have?

I'm definitely going to raise it next week. I feel reassured now that challenging what he says is ok and I've had some great tips on how to approach that, so thank you.

We get on most of time. We have similar feelings and views on some of life's bigger things like money, family, romance, sex etc... But although we don't argue often, when we do, it's just a communication shit show. So it's infrequent, but it's so draining when it happens that I just feel like I need to try and do something about it.

Now you're the one exaggerating

I just want to say, as an encouragement, it's wonderful and very admirable omthat you are both going down the marriage counselling route rather than just giving up on the relationship. Well done.

Have half an hour each, alone. Do that for a while before trying joint sessions again.

Presumably it was you who suggested counselling?

@botheredand my dh doesn't want to do any sessions alone. I said I would like at least one. He might change his mind of course, but will have to see...

@Lotyt yes it was me who suggested it. He agreed straight away though so I didn't have to persuade him. He recognises that our communication when we have an issue is not great, but I don't think it bothers him like it does me. I feel it cumulatively if that makes sense? He doesn't seem to feel that way. It's bothered me more as I get older. I feel like my tolerance for crap is getting lower and lower 😬.

Sounds like he is not really fully engaged and is probably going to keep you happy. It seems to be having the opposite effect!

We get on most of time. We have similar feelings and views on some of life's bigger things like money, family, romance, sex etc... But although we don't argue often, when we do, it's just a communication shit show.

Translation: Most of the time I agree with him, so mostly there is no problem, but when I don't agree with him and try to stand up for myself, there is hell to pay.

He can't tolerate you not agreeing with him, and sees it as a battle he must win. He has no concept of negotiation or compromise.
Your marriage has only lasted as long as it has because on most things you do actually agree.

Regardless of the exaggerating which isn't exaggerating by the way it's telling lies in my book, the fact that he said "I win" would make me lose all respect for him and I would say, no actually you're the biggest loser there is.

Then dump him.

I've never met him but your description of him paints an immature, nasty little weasel of a man.

I agree with @Yetmorebeanstocount
The reason it’s working is because most of the time you agree with him.

Now if you genuinely agree with him, great.
But I’m wondering how often you ‘go with the flow’ to avoid any outburst.

I think it's true that if we didn't agree on most things and disagreements were more frequent, that we'd be in serious danger. I have told him that in fact.

I wouldn't say I just agree with him for the quiet life. But I have come to almost dread bringing issues up because it's so draining. We always have to take the complicated route to resolution. It can hardly ever be the quick and easy route. I know some issues are bigger than others, but I think most of our disagreements could be resolved or compromised on in a fraction of the time if we could just improve on how we communicate during them. I'm still hoping counselling can help.

This doesn't need a therapist to spot the very obvious communication issue.

You're more concerned with the therapists perception of this. He's got the same concern. The pair of you are defensive, competing, and not actually listening and trying to resolve your problems.

I would ignore entirely the leaping conclusions that because he said "I win" and described a negative perspective of you that he's somehow abusive. He is expressing his perception, you do not have to agree with it. A decent therapist would challenge him with "why do you think that? Perhaps your (as in OP) experience is different?" and invite you both to share your perspectives. Neither is "wrong" - it's just you're seeing 1 thing, he's seeing a different thing.

For you to both learn to communicate, you need to learn to understand each others perspectives and be comfortable that they differ and that's OK. It's about not trying to change the others perspective to align with yours or prove your perception is the truth. It isn't. Neither is his. They are just... perceptions.

@Vretz thank you for your perspective. You’re right that I am concerned about how the therapist perceives me. I guess I'm concerned that if things get exaggerated that might have an impact on what approach / methods the therapist uses on us. I really want this to work!

As for different perceptions on things, someone up the thread said that maybe what I consider sibling banter/debate, my dh perceives as uncontrollable fighting. It gave me food for thought. It's possible and if that's the case then that's fine. But I suppose it felt like he was stating a fact, rather than a perception and that's what I struggled with.

The ‘i win’ thing doesn't make me think he’s abusive, but it’s not exactly what I want to hear when he knows I'm so invested in these sessions. Maybe it was a joke, but I have a sinking feeling there's an element of truth to it. Based on that ‘joke’ itself and a few other comments he's made about the counselling.

OP do you understand that a big part of counselling is realising that his perspective is different from yours?

Yea the « I win » comment was daft but honestly you need to listen to what he is saying and not just dismiss it as exaggerating. He is telling you how he feels for goodness sake. Listen!

Yea the « I win » comment was daft but honestly you need to listen to what he is saying and not just dismiss it as exaggerating.

In the itger side, as my own therapist told me, there are things you can’t take back. The ‘I win’ puts his comments about the OP puts his ‘view of the OP arguing with her brother’ in a very different light doesn’t it’?

They say when a man shows you who he is, believe him. I think that’s a good starting point tbh.

I disagree on that to be honest, his perspective seems to be that he thinks he's in the right. The gleeful "I win" comment clearly demonstrated that he thought he'd got one over on the OP.