Husband exaggerating in marriage counselling

[SunPlant20]

NC for this. Dh and I have started marriage counselling to improve our communication.

The problem is, he's exaggerating certain things about me in the sessions and it's really getting me down. For example he told the therapist I have 'uncontrollable' fights with my sibling. The truth is, me and my sibling are best friends and super close. The 'fights' he is describing are actually over dinner (and a glass of wine) debates about stuff like American politics. Things get a bit heated (they can really push my buttons!) but we never fall out and always hug it out at the end. Also, 99% of the time we get on great. To say they are uncontrollable' is total hyperbole and I think implies we have some sort of rolling on the ground scraps with eachother!

It feels like he is purposely trying to paint me in a certain light. He even said 'I win' as soon as we came out of our last session and that's exactly how it feels. Like he's trying to 'win'. He said he was only joking and apologised, but it did make me feel upset.

I know I'm not perfect and I'm totally open to understanding how I can make changes but I'm worried these exaggerations will skew the therapists view of me and possibly impact her approach.

I don't what to do? Do I say anything next time? Or just let him say whatever and see how things unfold?

Oh yes and get a session on your own

A counsellor friend stopped doing couples counselling altogether after too many sessions where he witnessed open hostility and aggression between the couples. I feel rather cynical about couples counselling - by the time many couples get there, it's too late and the relationship has been doomed for a long time, sadly.

Maybe start the next session with the I win comment

Mine did this. He even convinced the therapist I was a crazy, abusive witch. He managed to convince several mutual friends too. When we split and his true colours came to light they came crawling back, but found that door shut.

He is saying this because he wants to convince himself you are a bitch and he is justified in treating you badly. Part of a middle age man script ...

@LoveThisDog I hadn't thought of it this way. His family don't engage in any conflict. They either ignore the issue or ignore each other. Maybe he does see what I consider an 'animated debate' as an 'uncontrollable' argument? He can be very black and white. But even if this is the case, he implied it was a frequent thing and that's not accurate, so he was still exaggerating on that front.

@saffronsoup I did say that to him. I said, what do you win? If you treat this as a competition then things won't get better between us and that's not winning.

He apologised and repeated that it was a joke.

Listening doesn’t mean not highlighting what he said was factually wrong.
Id raise that at the next session too
1- as away to ask what is tte appropriate way to approach it - stay silent and then explain why you don’t agree or raise it straight away
2- because that’s not the case and he is using it ‘to win’

tbh I know you were using counselling to help I prove your communication but he is simply proving WHY you’re not feeling listened to and heard tbh.

Re the so called fight
The fact in his family they dint deal with difference of opinions in that way is not here nor there.
Yes INITIALLY, it might have been surprising. But surely after talking to you, seeing how you both react to each other, he has worked out it’s NOT a real fight?
i mean he isn’t trying to police the way you relate to your sibling too I hope?

@Pieceofpurplesky I am afraid the therapist will get a skewed view of me. I'm not perfect, but I'm an emotionally intelligent person who enjoys long standing friendships and close family relationships. If I'm honest, the only person who I have communication issues with is my dh. That's not to say our issues are all his fault. We had very different upbringings and approach things differently. I was hoping the counselling would help us understand each other better and align us more.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir no, he's very loving to my family. He encourages me to spend time with them and they're always welcome in our home. He definitely knows how close we are.

Gaslighting. It wasn’t a joke, he really wanted to ‘win’.

Maybe a male counsellor would get different behaviour from him (she’s on your side)

I'd get a table tennis bat and write "bullshit" on one side and "whataboutery" on the other or similar. Hold up the relevant side at the appropriate time but say absolutely nothing.

Or paint the words on your nails and then hold up the finger that fits.

Am I petty? You betcha!

You are wasting your time and money. Leave.

But I think the reality is that he's probably a controlling, emotionally abusive wanker who is only going to therapy to appease you and, if he's lucky, to use as another stick to beat you with

I'm unfortunately inclined to agree with this.

I think you should say to your therapist what you’ve said on here.

I think having “banter” arguments with your siblings is completely normal.

This.

Bloody hell, he has a fragile ego, doesn't he?

He even said 'I win' as soon as we came out of our last session and that's exactly how it feels.

Schrödinger's joke. Wanker.

@SunPlant20 like others have said, the "I win" things shows he's not taking counselling the way he should (unless it was a joke) so you both need to talk about that.

I also wonder whether the different way he perceives your sibling fights is due to cultural differences. British people are generally extremely conflict adverse and hide their true feelings, and instead heavily use passive aggression. So seeing people actually open with their emotions and frustration (which is normal and more healthy to be honest) may seem "uncontrollable" to him?

Hmm I think he's trying to manipulate you into quitting the counseling tbf. Or deflection regardless watch this one

Wow, the " I win" comment indicates you are pushing water uphill.

To answer why we're having the counselling. We're not having it because we're having huge issues or on the brink of a split. It's really to improve how we communicate when we have disagreements.

Well his "I win" comment really tells you everything you need to know. He thinks you're wrong and he's right, as though it is some sort of competition between you. He wants the counsellor to make you believe that you are the one with the communication issues, and it is you who needs to change.

He is not going into counselling prepared to look at the way he communicates with you or acknowledge that maybe there are things he could do better, because as far as he's concerned, he isn't doing anything wrong.

MMm I think you need to bring up the 'I win' at the beginning of the next session - I'm sure he will react to this and the therapist will see the true him.

Yuck, “I win”, that would put me off completely

Any therapist worth their salt will see through that. I'm surprised they didn't look for clarification from you on the arguments?