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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

BIL called me chaotic..v. hurt

77 replies

malificent7 · 22/11/2023 06:06

The thing is, I suppose I am a bit. Severe mh issues as a teen, a single mum and recent wedding drama. But i've managed to get married this year, get a ft permanent job and not quite have a break down.
At a family party he told me I was chaotic. I didn't retaliate as I was a bit dumbstruck. But I am so hurt.
Do I tell my sister to have a word?

OP posts:

BettyPhuckzer · 22/11/2023 06:08

Why does it matter that he thinks that?

redfacebigdisgrace · 22/11/2023 06:10

I suppose it depends how he said it and what he’s normally like.

squashi · 22/11/2023 06:12

People say some thoughtless things - can you move past it? Sounds like you've turned things around a bit - stay strong.

GoingOffOnATangent · 22/11/2023 06:14

Getting your sister to intervene on your behalf smacks of drama... Which would rather confirm his view.
Maybe what he said was hurtful and tactless, but maybe he's worried and doesn't know you well to see past those issues.
Assuming he's not a nasty person generally, you'd achieve a lot more to rectify his view and build a positive relationship if you arranged a chat and discussed it. Along the lines of you can see why he said it, it was hurtful but for mutual understanding here is the background, but you as a person are more than this and you are building your life for the better.

romdowa · 22/11/2023 06:20

You should have told him on the spot that he's an opinionated arsehole. Why say anything to your sister ?

sorrynotathome · 22/11/2023 06:22

Not sure I understand. He called you chaotic and you say that you are. So where's the beef?

tiredandolderthanithought · 22/11/2023 06:22

He is a dick.

I remember a mum of a friend calling me highly strung. I suppose I am but it really pissed me off!

Let it go and be proud of what you've achieved!

NovemberAutumn · 22/11/2023 06:23

is he the sort who likes to feel a bit superior to others? Does he enjoy pulling others down?

I would distance yourself and maybe have a few one liners up your sleeve for next time. Or 'Piss off you wanker' might cover it.

FloweryName · 22/11/2023 06:25

It doesn’t sound like he was being nasty, it’s just that the truth hurt. I don’t know what you’d expect your sister to do about it. Let it go.

Delphinium20 · 22/11/2023 06:26

He sounds like an uncaring, sanctimonious kind of person. How does he treat your sister?

hattie43 · 22/11/2023 06:31

Give over its sounds like normal bants . You're overly sensitive because you recognise yourself as chaotic .

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 22/11/2023 06:31

What was the context?
It's never nice hearing things about ourselves that we don't like but if they are kind of true...it's not worth getting angry over

Noicant · 22/11/2023 06:32

Is it because your behaviour has an impact on your sister? I definitely wouldn’t try to involve your sister, it’s just more drama isn’t it. I would just crack on with the progress you have made and demonstrate that you are getting yourself sorted.

You sound like you are doing well though so well done!

NewbieSM · 22/11/2023 06:32

I think we need some context of the wider conversation to really judge. But honestly it's hardly a crime to make (by your own admission) an accurate comment. Was it nice? No not really but it's not really horrible either. I don't think you need to involve your sister, if you wanted to respond to him you had the opportunity and you didn't take it. I would let it go tbh

Original poster

malificent7 · 22/11/2023 06:41

He just came out with it. Tbh he has form for this. He said some mean things to my mum when she was ill.
Apparently step mum's food looks like sick. Etc.

OP posts:

spillyo · 22/11/2023 06:42

Blunt and unnecessary of him. But... you admit that you are (or have been) chaotic, and that tends to have a lot of impact on the people around you. Chaotic people often don't realise that.

If he's generally kind to you, I would shake it off and be proud of how you're doing better now.

Original poster

malificent7 · 22/11/2023 06:43

I was chaotic as I was very unwell. Luckily I am well now and settled. He said it the day before my interview too. .which i flunked so I feel worse today.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 22/11/2023 06:44

What is the issue?

That you don't like people holding a mirror up to you? That you don't like him? That you expect other people to pretend it isn't the case?

It sounds like, in the circumstances, it was an observation rather than a criticism.

Well done for getting on top of things but, IME, people who are chaotic and have 'drama' rarely do so quietly. Other people tend to get drawn in and that can be hard.

Besides, there's nothing actually wrong with a bit of chaos. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things is it? I agree that to involve your sister after the fact over this is just more drama.

Original poster

malificent7 · 22/11/2023 06:44

Not his fault btw but i just feel awful much of the time. Do I impact sister's life? In the past as teens yes. Now? Not really. I'm a good aunt.

OP posts:

NovemberAutumn · 22/11/2023 06:47

He's an arse. A supercilious arse with a hole in his own self esteem because only people who feel deeply inadequate feel the need to shit all over others.

I would try and get some professional support to develop your own resilience as well- you have clearly made huge strides in your life but might need some outside help to enable you to truly cement a sense of self worth.

CormorantStrikesBack · 22/11/2023 06:49

To be honest if someone said this to me I’d laugh and wouldn’t be upset about it. Seems like it was just a passing comment which may be slightly factual. The best thing to have done would have been to say something like “well at least my life is interesting/fun”. Makes it seem like more of an attribute and depending how you emphasise the sentence can also sow a seed of doubt in his mind that maybe he’s not interesting ! 😆

Ohnoooooooo · 22/11/2023 06:50

Congratulations on your achievements. I have inattentive adhd and I can be chaotic. I didn’t realise I had adhd which was making my life harder until I was in my 50s. Please google inattentive and see if that rings a bell to you it’s different from the more physical adhd.
your b’n’law sounds like a dick I am sorry and yes I would tell your sister.

Arrivederla · 22/11/2023 06:50

NovemberAutumn · 22/11/2023 06:47

He's an arse. A supercilious arse with a hole in his own self esteem because only people who feel deeply inadequate feel the need to shit all over others.

This.

How is your sister likely to react if you speak to her about it? I would want to know if my dh was making dickish remarks to my family.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 22/11/2023 06:52

What was the context of him calling you chaotic? I think youve most likely listed the wrong things.

why would you ask you sister to have a word? What would she say to him? He is her husband and your dealings will’ be mostly with her, so his opinion of you being chaotic is probably not his alone.

pilates · 22/11/2023 06:52

Just move on. It sounds like you have turned a corner and getting on with your life.

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