BIL called me chaotic..v. hurt

[malificent7]

The thing is, I suppose I am a bit. Severe mh issues as a teen, a single mum and recent wedding drama. But i've managed to get married this year, get a ft permanent job and not quite have a break down.
At a family party he told me I was chaotic. I didn't retaliate as I was a bit dumbstruck. But I am so hurt.
Do I tell my sister to have a word?

Well i impacted my sister 20 years ago but that was 20 years ago....about 10 years before he met her.

Well he was being nasty - you don’t call someone chaotic as a compliment do you? You say it to hurt or belittle them.

He was being an arsehole OP, so watch out for that in future, buy I’d agree with PPs that telling your sister has no purpose and potentially would create drama.

Focus on moving forward - it sounds like you’ve had a good year.

I would say nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You are just feeding the troll if you do.

honestly,
he was insensitive but likely drunk from the sounds of it.
But it hurt your feelings because you believe there is a kernel of truth to it in your past.

don’t get hung up on it. It is just a distraction or noise, focus on yourself and living a good life.

That doesn't mean she doesn't still show the impact of something that happened 20 years ago, with respect if she was also a teenager / young person when you were going through your teenage years with severe mental health problems, it did probably have a huge impact on her.

What happens when you're younger does impact you, it doesn't disappear when you're an adult. And if they've been together for 10 years there's a good chance he's aware of how she was impacted / felt from that time, it would be natural for her to tell him.

Appreciate that you say you're in a better place now, that's great - as PP have said though, that doesn't undo the past that your sister experienced.

I think he’s being blunt and truthful and that hurts. It’s landed because it’s true?

You say you have MH problems but you’re feeling better things are more manageable. focus on that.

I found it interesting that you say you flunked your interview, implying his comment is to blame. It makes you sound very self involved, a victim.

Chaotic can refer to different things.

It could be a sweeping statement about someone's whole life story, but equally it can refer to someone who's always rushing around, forgetting things. Your life could be better than it was, and you can still be chaotic. Or you might be incredibly organised and he's being an arse.

Equally I think when people's individual situations impact on family members to a large level, I think there has to be some acknowledgement of the impact at the time and lasting impact those situations create. I know a few people who find it very frustrating when the chaotic family member acts like everything is fine now because the situation is in the past and they seem to expect everyone else to have moved past wounds that were caused.

Conversational context is key on unpacking whether he was being an unpleasant arsehole, reasonable in commenting, or light heartedly teasing.

If the interview had been successful, would you still be ruminating on what he said? I'm guessing not.

I would make a mental note of the fact that your BIL has an unpleasant streak, but separate that from the way you are feeling about the interview.

Was he talking about the recent wedding drama and how that was chaotic? I remember now (I know, I know bad form to look at other posts..)

If he's got firm for unpleasant comments I would take it with a pinch of salt, pity your sister and ignore.
It sounds because of your history, but the sun of who you are is not just your life's struggles so far. It takes strength to climb up when you've had knocks.
Keep climbing and then look back on this as the rude comment it seems it was. You can grow beyond the challenges you've had, he'll always have his personality. 😁

It stings because of your history, that should say

Let it go and move on, if he does ever say anything similar again I would bring it up directly at the time and put him on the spot. Sounds like a knob, don't waste your energy on it! X

I suppose despite feeling like you don’t impact your sister, it isn’t necessarily true as if your life has lots of chaos in it, this could upset her and she worries about you.

Having a word with your sister will just extend the drama. If that’s what you want, you could do that.

Or you could let it go. Him thinking you are chaotic is entirely inconsequential. After all, you describe yourself as chaotic. What does it matter?

Accepting you can’t control what others think, and letting go of caring about what others think, is very freeing. I’d recommend going down that road, and enjoying the freedom of not giving a fuck. Focus on yourself.

Yes this! I'd rather live in a life of chaos that be a boring mean bastard like him!

How would you feel if he told you that you had 6 legs and were made out of broccoli, @malificent7 ? Would his opinion matter to you so much, if you didn't buy into his line of thinking yourself?

If you feel you're chaotic, then get organised. Imagine if you had been chaotic right up until now, and then, suddenly, you changed into someone totally sorted. How would that feel for you? What would you say to him then, after a few months of super organised life, if he told you you were chaotic?

The problem isn't what he said; it's how much you believe him, and how much you dislike the part of yourself he's identified. This is about you, not him. He's a symptom, not the cause.

@LolaSmiles

Excellent comments.

Why is it bugging you so much when he made a comment that you say yourself is true?

OK, it's not kind to state a truth sometimes, but he's not lying is he?

I'd forget it and keep working on yourself so your life is less chaotic in future

He likes to stir up trouble and put other people down - don't give him any more head space.

This, I think your sister has been impacted by your chaos more than she let's on, perhaps she vents to BIL hence his comment.
It is very noticeable that now you are well you expect everyone to move on regardless of the past.
I have a relative like this and it's bloody exhausting.

Not a relative, but a previous flatmate was like this, and to be honest I think she loved the drama of being able to claim how hurt and offended she was by it, basically still causing drama but blaming everyone else and getting to claim victim status!

He sounds like a nasty dickhead and I'd avoid him as much as possible without causing a fuss.

That doesn't mean she doesn't still show the impact of something that happened 20 years ago, with respect if she was also a teenager / young person when you were going through your teenage years with severe mental health problems, it did probably have a huge impact on her.

Siblings of children who are ill or have very high needs are often impacted, but nobody should be blaming the child who is ill / has very high needs!

OP I did have a nervous breakdown earlier this year and have a long history of depression and anxiety

I try very hard to ensure my problems don't affect anyone else and succeed 99% of the time.

Unfortunately this time my sister does feel affected and has made comments about my "moods". Even sadder, she always believed in me and my ability to achieve things, but no longer does. I can't blame her.

I think if you appear chaotic, even for a short time in my case, it stays with people and they run away. I do really wish I had support as I have helped many others but now I wonder why I bothered.

I think he sounds rude generally in terms of the stuff he says to others but I'm not sure what I think about his comment to you. Possibly your sister still feels affected as an adult.

Congratulations on your marriage and I hope things go smoothly for you now.

I've been called way worse things than chaotic.

I'd be slightly proud of that!!

Make the OP feel better, why don't you?

The issues is that the OP was insulted and really hurt by her crass arsehole of a BIL.

I'm afraid that you drew a pratty bil in the game of life. Commiserations from a fellow sufferer. They know how to get under your skin, but really aren't worth passing wind over.

This. It isnt even the past. The wedding was a couple of months ago.