BIL called me chaotic..v. hurt

[malificent7]

The thing is, I suppose I am a bit. Severe mh issues as a teen, a single mum and recent wedding drama. But i've managed to get married this year, get a ft permanent job and not quite have a break down.
At a family party he told me I was chaotic. I didn't retaliate as I was a bit dumbstruck. But I am so hurt.
Do I tell my sister to have a word?

What sticks out for me is you said you didnt retaliate bevause youbwere dumbstruck. The assumption is you would/should have retaliated. Why? Automatic retaliation to comments like that does sound a but drama llama tbh. Dont make life harder for yourself.

I don't think "chaotic" is necessarily rude - "shitshow" would be worse. But by your own admission your life has been drama filled and for want of a better word...."chaotic" so I think personally you are being a bit over sensitive

Is it only women he's a cunt to? If so ignore his comments, but keep an eye on your sister.

Everyone has their faults. You've done a lot for yourself - you keep picking up and trying without judging others. He's just one person who sounds like he feels good making others feel bad. Do your best to ignore him - it's not you, it's him.

Your life used to be chaotic but you worked on it and came a long way towards a much better life. Well done OP.
Your BIL meantime, continues to say thoughtless/hurtful things to family members and doesn’t work on it so he hasn’t become more considerate of others’ feelings.

No, don’t tell your sister. Why add to her mental load.
Just keep your head down and try to ignore the hurt. It will pass.

Be ready next time he makes a rude comment though. Quietly ask him why he thinks he can be so judgy, personal and hurtful when he is so flawed himself. Then quickly walk away without drama.

Oh dear!
And being over sensitive is ok Op.
It is ok to be whatever you are people will label, criticise and the rest.
I would rather be sensitive than a that with a impolite inconsiderate gob that he has.
Do tell your sister, one day you may react and she will know he needs to zip it.
Who is this guy!
Keep being you. Your allowed to be human. Keep your head up.

I am quite chaotic, I think. Also a single mum, working full-time, so I think well, it is what it is. The organised gene passed me by. It sounds like you have your life on track, and I would concentrate on that.
However, the issue here seems more that your BIL does not have a filter and is just rude.

Move on this time. Next time tell him his opinions are welcome when you ask for them, otherwise he can keep them for himself. Other than that he is just being a judgemental twat that likes say things because he has to say something.

There is a sentence that says the wise speaks because they have something to say and the fool speaks because they have to say something.

Chaotic means different things to different people.

You've taken it as a criticism of your whole life path (because there is understandable sensitivity there).

But it could equally apply if you had rushed from work, has forgotten the present and nipped home for it, arrived looking a bit frazzled, gone to get a drink but come back with crisps and no drink. In that context chaotic is more rushing about in a slightly disorganised fashion.

Then it's a bit more gentle teasing than massive insult.

In the same way you see his comments as unkind (perhaps they are) or he could be one of those people who when unsure what to say, picks the wrong words and sticks both feet in it.

Ultimately, is it worth a falling out over and putting your sister in a difficult position for? You don't really have to like him, just rub along.

I think that step 1 towards being ''not chaotic' would be to start letting comments like this wash over you like water off a duck's back. He's just one person. His opinion of you is not a defining factor in your life, it's just someone's opinion. He can think what he likes, can't he? Whether he was being unpleasant or not, 'Think what you like of me' is the non-chaotic response here.

@hattie43

You're overly sensitive

Could you let us know where the guidelines are on how sensitive we should be, please, so that we can all start following them? So glad you're here, we've needed an authority on this for a long time.

If he’s got form for being unkind (and I think it is unnecessary if you are pretty stable now) then just blank him. He starts saying something to you then just turn on your heel and walk away.

My DH would only say something to someone if they were actually impacting my life very negatively and even then he would hesitate if it was a sibling.

Just quote back 'Out of Chaos comes Order' and let him stew in his own outspoken-ness

Depends on what you want to achieve by telling your sister. To make her aware that she married a gobshite with too much to say for himself? I suspect she already knows.

Limit your interactions with the twat and be ready to close down his unwanted opinions next time: 'I don't remember anyone asking for your input, Nigel'.

When men say things like this immediately reply "yes, I'm a bit chaotic and you're tactless and rude, we all have faults" then laugh and walk off.

You are hurt because it sounds like he spoke the truth. Your lifestyle and dramas probably have impacted your family in ways that you haven't even considered. If you have turned your life around forget it and move on.

But from your own viewpoint it is true?
Why do you want to involve your sister unless you do like drama, are you used to being at the centre of things with everyone else sorting out the situation for you?
Why is it on here the answer to being called a name the response is always 'how dreadful and hurtful to be called a name!! What a fucking cunt of him!!'

What tone did he say it in? Using the word "chaotic" isn't necessarily derogatory. I've called good mates chaotic to their faces because they just are, but it's affectionate and I love them.

Did he say it in a light-hearted, affectionate way or a dismissive, looking down at you way? If the latter you're not wrong to feel hurt and tell your sister so.

Exactly, but that's never to be acknowledged is it? The chaotic, difficult person says 'I'm ready to be mature and responsible now' and everyone else is meant to say 'yay, all your previous difficult behaviour that's really impacted everyone else is absolutely fine, no apologies ever needed' and it's verboten to ever allude to it!

So you say you are chaotic and he says you are chaotic. Why are you hurt? Do you want him to think you are not chaotic?

So are you seeking to blame him for your interview not going well and telling your sister and other people that is why?

This is it tbh, you can just ignore the comment and move on. Now that you're in a non-chaotic stage, it's easy to not want to dwell on the past / have it tagged to you as part of your character. But your sister has probably been impacted too and that's the side he sees, not the improvement you see!

I notice he likes to put women down.

And @hattie43 excusing it as ‘bants’ is how men get away with that shit

I’d rather be at the chaotic end of things than clinically over organised.

Wear it as a compliment - he may have a bit of jealousy?

All the best

How is it 'putting women down'? Op acknowledges she can be chaotic, he also said she can be chaotic.
Do we forever get a pass on our behaviour because we're female? If ops sister had also said she was chaotic would that also be putting her down?
Did he just randomly come up and say 'you're chaotic' or was there behaviour/a situation around it?

@MyHornCanPierceTheSky he criticises SM’s cooking and was mean to OP’s mum when she was ill