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Original poster

DH meeting up with old female friend

73 replies

wendall456 · 21/11/2023 21:49

My DH and I are in in our late 40's with 2 teenage children. Many years ago in his late teens he had a hobby and through this hobby he had alot of friends both male and female but all about 10 yrs older than him. Over the years he has lost contact with most of them. However back in the summer he ran into the brother of one of the women who he used to know through his hobby (they did go on holiday together once but he assures me just as friends!) and he said that his sister was back in the area after living abroad for the last 20 years. For old times sake my DH said he would love to see her again and he gave her brother his number and she texted him.

For clarification DH has been very upfront and open about him making contact with her. At the weekend they met up and he said it was so lovely to see her again. It seems they have lots in common so much more than me and DH. She is now retired as she looks after her grand daughter 2 days a week. Her and her husband have been together for 28 yrs and seem to be happily married.

She has texted him to see if he wants to walk the dog with her and her dog and grand daughter on Friday.

Dh says when they used to do their hobby she had a partner and he had a partner too and there was never any feelings between them, they were just very good friends.

Should I be worried? I think I trust him but there is a niggle there slightly as we don't spend much time together due to work commitments and running kids here and there and everywhere - his friend has been there done that and has lots of free time as her Dh still works.

Would you be happy if your DH met up with an old female friend. If it was a male friend I wouldn't be worried!

OP posts:
JamSandle · 21/11/2023 21:50

My partner and I both have male and female friends on our own. Honestly it doesn't bother me. But perhaps I'm just naive.

lipotoy · 21/11/2023 21:55

I wouldn't be bothered by this it seems like a nice friendships and they wanna catch up.

Bimblealongagain · 21/11/2023 21:57

How are you married to someone you don't entirely trust???

He has been open and honest, she is a friend. I genuinely can't see the issue here.

Zanatdy · 21/11/2023 21:59

It wouldn’t concern me at all, it bugs me when there’s an insinuation people can’t have different sex friends

DuploTrain · 21/11/2023 21:59

She probably doesn’t have many local friends if she’s been abroad for 20 years. A dog walk with her granddaughter present seems fairly innocent.

Why don’t you suggest to him that he could invite her and her husband round for lunch one weekend?

AuntMarch · 21/11/2023 21:59

I'd be concerned if it was something I had to "find out", but this sou ds fine to me.
I have male friends I only see rarely due to distance and life just happening, I'd be quite upset if a partner jumped to conclusions about that.

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 22:02

@wendall456
Do you have the capacity to meet up with a male friend from earlier stage in your life and remain faithful to your husband? If you have the capacity to do this, why shouldn't your husband and his friend? Are you morally superior to your husband? Has he ever given you reason to distrust him. After a long absence, the woman is probably trying to build a new friendship group.

Why would you worry about him doing things that you would not do? If he has been unfaithful or dishonest in the past, then you may have reason to worry, but if not then you are being fairly disrespectful of his character.

JC89 · 21/11/2023 22:03

It doesn't sound like you trust him! My DH has both male and female friends, as do I. Neither of us minds the other meeting up with a friend (either male or female). Including the friend I briefly went out with at uni.

Portach · 21/11/2023 22:05

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Mumdiva99 · 21/11/2023 22:07

I went out to dinner with an old uni friend last year - 25 years since we graduated. I have had several long phone calls with another male friend this year as he's going through some stuff. My husband met up with a female friend not long ago. - the only people bothered by that were the kids who kept saying 'dad went to meet his girlfriend' at any opportunity!!

There is nothing wrong with having friends. Male or female.

ManchesterLu · 21/11/2023 22:07

I have loads of opposite sex friends. It's fine. It's all about whether you feel you can trust him or not - and if you can't, there's no future for you, or you'll just wind yourself up forever, and not just over this.

Original poster
wendall456 · 21/11/2023 22:08

I think I am reading too much into it but mainly because most of our friends seem to be divorced and the men have all left their wives for someone else. Due to family commitments and work we don't get to spend much time together. However he is going suggest the 4 of us go out for meal.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 21/11/2023 22:10

It definitely sounds like your own insecurities here OP.

I honestly wouldn't be bothered if my DH met up with an old female friend they are a friend.

If someone is going to cheat they will do it regardless of who comes along old friend or otherwise!
It's perfectly possible to have friends of the opposite sex.

topgirlalways · 21/11/2023 22:10

There is no issue at all. Me and DP have opposite sex friends. One I dated a few years ago for a few months.

I trust him and he does me.

AbsolutelyFemale · 21/11/2023 22:12

You sound jealous and untrusting of him. Nothing less attractive tbh, and insulting. My husband ruined our relationship with his jealousy towards my completely platonic male friends. It made me think less of him.

elizzza · 21/11/2023 22:15

Honestly can’t see what your issue is here - he’s planning to go for a walk with a woman who has been married for 28 years and is bringing along her granddaughter? Does he not have any female friends? Has he given you a reason not to trust him in the past?

If your issue is that due to work and kids you don’t get much time together, that’s a totally separate problem. You need to find a way to schedule some quality time together, not cut him off from all other women.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/11/2023 22:15

I think people are being harsh. I think most people would feel alarmed at husband making a 'new' friend (although he knew her long ago) and then suddenly the two of them wanted to see each other all the time. That's how affairs start. Her spider senses are tingling.

Portach · 21/11/2023 22:16

wendall456 · 21/11/2023 22:08

I think I am reading too much into it but mainly because most of our friends seem to be divorced and the men have all left their wives for someone else. Due to family commitments and work we don't get to spend much time together. However he is going suggest the 4 of us go out for meal.

So what, you’re going to preventing him from having social contact with any unrelated woman for life in case he prefers them to you?

gannett · 21/11/2023 22:16

Like PP I think the only problematic behaviour in this situation is you being mistrustful of him just because she's a woman. I have plenty of male friends through hobbies and after 10 years I would be quite hurt if DP suddenly decided he couldn't trust me to socialise with them without cheating on him.

It seems they have lots in common so much more than me and DH.

To reassure you - this is just what it's like when two people are passionate about the same hobby. If I get together with friends I share a mutual interest with, we're liable to nerd out chat for hours and hours without pausing. Probably more chatter than with DP. But I don't want to sleep with them and he's the one I come home to.

Original poster
wendall456 · 21/11/2023 22:20

Thank you. I think it is because none of our original friends are together any more that I see how easy it is for men or women to walk away if there is an opportunity.

I have no valid reason to doubt him - it is my insecurities of what I have seen go on with other people.

OP posts:
Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 22:24

Maybe get some help? Counselling maybe? No one should be this insecure that they think their husbands going to run off as he’s friends with a female. That’s really concerning.

Jessieq15 · 21/11/2023 22:31

I have lended to my friend baby stuff like pushchair ,car seat ,bed ,baby nest so she wouldn’t struggle for her baby
i only used them for 6 months
now her baby is 10 months old she is no longer using them and she hasn’t returned even I have told her I have the space to store them if she isn’t making use of them
I learned she is pregnant again and I hope everything goes well for her but I’m thinking the reason why she didn’t return is that she is thinking of using again for the other baby
but I bought them brand new
my family even gifted me money to buy them
as bad as it can seem I don’t want her to use them again as i only lended to her till she bought her own not for her to use them again and not spent a thing
I bought them so I have them for my next baby which isn’t happening now but still they are mine
I feel bad going and saying look I need my stuff now that you are pregnant again it’s just not me but on the other side why should someone give you back used stuff when it’s you who bought them

Whenwasthis · 21/11/2023 22:32

She's happily married, you are too. Id want to get to know this couple and see no reason why you can't all be friends. I'd be worried if this idea was resisted.

octaurpus · 21/11/2023 22:32

If you google 'boundaries with opposite sex friends in marriage' you might find some helpful material to consider, on the many sites that come up. I would be uncomfortable with the situation you describe.

DuploTrain · 21/11/2023 22:33

Cosywintertime · 21/11/2023 22:24

Maybe get some help? Counselling maybe? No one should be this insecure that they think their husbands going to run off as he’s friends with a female. That’s really concerning.

I don’t know… mumsnet has made me very cynical. Obviously no-one likes to think their lovely husband would do that… but then there’s countless threads of men having affairs and the wife being completely blindsided. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the thought to cross OP’s mind.