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Original poster

DH meeting up with old female friend

73 replies

wendall456 · 21/11/2023 21:49

My DH and I are in in our late 40's with 2 teenage children. Many years ago in his late teens he had a hobby and through this hobby he had alot of friends both male and female but all about 10 yrs older than him. Over the years he has lost contact with most of them. However back in the summer he ran into the brother of one of the women who he used to know through his hobby (they did go on holiday together once but he assures me just as friends!) and he said that his sister was back in the area after living abroad for the last 20 years. For old times sake my DH said he would love to see her again and he gave her brother his number and she texted him.

For clarification DH has been very upfront and open about him making contact with her. At the weekend they met up and he said it was so lovely to see her again. It seems they have lots in common so much more than me and DH. She is now retired as she looks after her grand daughter 2 days a week. Her and her husband have been together for 28 yrs and seem to be happily married.

She has texted him to see if he wants to walk the dog with her and her dog and grand daughter on Friday.

Dh says when they used to do their hobby she had a partner and he had a partner too and there was never any feelings between them, they were just very good friends.

Should I be worried? I think I trust him but there is a niggle there slightly as we don't spend much time together due to work commitments and running kids here and there and everywhere - his friend has been there done that and has lots of free time as her Dh still works.

Would you be happy if your DH met up with an old female friend. If it was a male friend I wouldn't be worried!

OP posts:
Portach · 21/11/2023 22:38

wendall456 · 21/11/2023 22:20

Thank you. I think it is because none of our original friends are together any more that I see how easy it is for men or women to walk away if there is an opportunity.

I have no valid reason to doubt him - it is my insecurities of what I have seen go on with other people.

But everyone has opportunities. All the time. You seem to be suggesting it’s your job to limit his opportunities. Do you really only think he stays married to you for lack of opportunity elsewhere?

Original poster
wendall456 · 21/11/2023 22:47

I admit I am cynical because of what I have seen other people go through. I don't want to feel this way but I am not naive either. Affairs do happen and I seem to have seen alot happen in these last few years which is what is obviously making me a little paranoid

OP posts:
Katej82 · 21/11/2023 23:01

It's probably just nostalgic old friends and all that. However my husband will tell me the only reason he would be friends with a woman is for one thing lol we once had the conversation can't remember why but he said he doesn't want female friends why would he when he has male friends. I don't have male friends either he wouldn't mind because he trusts me but just don't . though he is brutally honest and I'd find it odd therefore if it were my husband with a female friend from the past ! However your husband has been upfront there was nothing but friendship before so don't see why there would be now. However a niggle... They always say trust your gut maybe it's his female friend you feel is chasing him or maybe you feel that. My suggestion is make more time for each other find a hobby together like walking groups we go quiz nights together date night every couple of months if possible or just making a nice meal and movie together. It's hard I know we both work full time and have a family and it's tough but we do make time for each other and I think you might feel better if you do. X it's perfectly normal to feel threatened especially the things we read about very often x

NotABeliever · 21/11/2023 23:13

I think meeting her is the way to go. Will help you see her as a person rather than a threat

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 23:19

@wendall456
OP, affairs happen, and in truth their is nothing that you can do to prevent them from happening. You.cannot restrict a man or woman into fidelity, but you might conceivably start a process by making someone appear to be forbidden fruit.

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2023 23:29

I think its fine BUT he needs to invite you too.

You don't need to go but the fact that he hasn't invited you... not ideal.

You need to meet this person. If I was his friend I certainly would expect to meet you. If not this time then next time for sure.

It's just respectful to meet the partner if your married guy friend ASAP so you can show you aren't a threat and see she's OK with you hanging out.

My best mate is gay and I STILL met his partner ASAP once he mentioned they were official because I wanted his partner to know I was just a friend and didn't fancy him or anything weird.

haribosmarties · 21/11/2023 23:42

It would not occur to me to be bothered by this. I recently met up with an old male friend from school in London. My husband did not even comment on it and Idve been quite pissed off if he made a deal out of it tbh. But then he also has female friends he spends time with (he works in a very female dominated field)
Men and women are allowed to be friends and spend time together. She's happily married and they will be walking dogs not going to a candlelit dinner.
I'd certainly expect to meet her at some point tho. Could you invite her and her husband to dinner or something so you can get to know her too?

haribosmarties · 21/11/2023 23:45

I'd not expect to be invited to everything they do tho... I wouldn't invite my husband if I hadn't seen someone for a long time and we were catching up one on one. I'd invite him if it was a group or the person I was meeting was also bringing their partner..

Firebug007 · 22/11/2023 01:46

He's meeting an old friend and there's no suggestion they've ever been more than friends. There's no nice way to say it but this level of paranoia is a bit wierd, why are you worried?

Firebug007 · 22/11/2023 01:47

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2023 23:29

I think its fine BUT he needs to invite you too.

You don't need to go but the fact that he hasn't invited you... not ideal.

You need to meet this person. If I was his friend I certainly would expect to meet you. If not this time then next time for sure.

It's just respectful to meet the partner if your married guy friend ASAP so you can show you aren't a threat and see she's OK with you hanging out.

My best mate is gay and I STILL met his partner ASAP once he mentioned they were official because I wanted his partner to know I was just a friend and didn't fancy him or anything weird.

This is controlling and not healthy 🤷‍♀️

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 03:00

Its not controlling to want to meet people of the opposite sex that your partner is hanging out with. I'm not saying you'd have to go every time. Just meet them. So many men are utterly clueless about when a woman is giving him the come on. Its wise to check they are decent and that they know he is married.

Calling that controlling is ridiculous. It's simply putting your mind at rest so that they can have fun with their friend in future without you having to come onto forums like this, asking for advice as you are worrying that he might be cheating.

You show face once and check them out. It's hardly putting shackles on him.

I'm sure cheats abd their 'pick me's' like to make you think that it's controlling. But any decent man would introduce women friends to their wives before thinking its ok to go gallivanting around with them one on one.

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 03:12

And yes it works both ways. If i had a guy mate he'd have to meet my partner as soon as possible. Even if it's a longterm friend that nothing ever happened with - because it's just a respectful thing to do. Its my job as a partner to make my partner feel secure. He deserves to know I'm not hanging around with anyone who appears to have ulterior motives. That there's no 'vibes' going on.

GodDammitCecil · 22/11/2023 03:21

The scenario you paint wouldn’t bother me. DH has women friends, and this would be fine with me. I know them all, and like them.

But I can totally understand if you’ve been witness to lots of couple splitting up, and it’s the husbands instigating it, because they’ve traded in for someone else. You probably are feeling a bit wary.

I’ll be brutally honest - it probably would niggle if you both had very limited free time (you’re basically describing our life right now - late 40s, parenting teens, and barely any free time to do nice stuff together) - and he was choosing to spend what little he had with another woman….

GodDammitCecil · 22/11/2023 03:24

Firebug007 · 22/11/2023 01:47

This is controlling and not healthy 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

Sorry, but what utter nonsense.

Anyone with a half way social bone in their body is going to introduce friends to partners.

user1492757084 · 22/11/2023 03:43

It sounds nice that your husband will invite you to meet them. That is the respectful thing to do. I would not worry at all.

Given that your DH has little time for relaxation I expect that you and DH might invite the couple over once or twice per year.

I would not feel comfortable with my husband, with whom I yearn to spend more time, walking the dog with any other woman on a regular basis, however. The odd walk or two - no worries.

Panaa · 22/11/2023 05:05

Firebug007 · 22/11/2023 01:46

He's meeting an old friend and there's no suggestion they've ever been more than friends. There's no nice way to say it but this level of paranoia is a bit wierd, why are you worried?

What 'level of paranoia' is she at?
Seems like a fairly low level to me. You make it sound like she's on the verge of insanity!

She said she thinks she trusts him but there's a niggle there because they don't spend much time together, I think that's fair enough.

Whenwasthis · 22/11/2023 07:17

My partner got into running and was invited out to do some runs with an opposite sex friend from work. I thought okay, fair enough and nothing questioning trust crossed my mind.
After a couple of runs my partner told me they were going to stop making the running plans as it felt a bit weird and uncomfortable. It's up to the partner who you trust to make that call and their own decisions. In a healthy relationship they will and be open about it. And cheaters are going to cheat regardless of the controls attempted to put in place.

BethDuttonsTwin · 22/11/2023 07:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What a thoroughly nasty response. Did you purposely misread the OP so you could post something as unpleasant as this? Rather odd.

margotrose · 22/11/2023 07:32

If someone wants to cheat, they'll cheat. It doesn't matter how many restrictions you try and put on them.

EBearhug · 22/11/2023 07:56

he said he doesn't want female friends why would he when he has male friends.

My friends are people with whom I have something in common, be it shared history (school, uni, work,) shared interests (sports, books, other activities) or whatever- usually it's a bit of more than one thing - friends with ex-colleague because we happen to be interested in the same non-work activities.

Some of them happen to ve make and some female. Their sex is usually the least important thing about being friends and it's having other things in common which makes the friendship.

In the OPs case, it wouldn't bother me. I would want to meet her, but that's because I'm nosy, and I'd like to meet all my partner's friends, and introduce all my friends, because I think they'd get on. Logistics often means that doesn't happen, as not everyone is geographically close, plus work schedules etc get in the way.

Not spending time together would bother me, but it sounds like that's a scheduling issue more than anything. It might prompt me to look at where we could spend more time together though.

gannett · 22/11/2023 08:02

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 03:12

And yes it works both ways. If i had a guy mate he'd have to meet my partner as soon as possible. Even if it's a longterm friend that nothing ever happened with - because it's just a respectful thing to do. Its my job as a partner to make my partner feel secure. He deserves to know I'm not hanging around with anyone who appears to have ulterior motives. That there's no 'vibes' going on.

Luckily I have a partner who is already secure and thus doesn't need to "check out" any new or old friends of mine to mark his territory.

I agree it's normal to meet your partner's friends and both of us are keen to do that, but it's in a more positive "any friend of gannett's must be a good egg and maybe a friend of mine too" (and vice versa) sense, not a suspicious "hackles up at the idea that gannett is hanging out with another man" sense. I simply could not put up with the latter in a partner! Relationship territorialism and insecurity is so unattractive.

Whattodowithit88 · 22/11/2023 08:04

The problem here is the two of you do t spend time together. That’s not good. You should prioritise that immediately because it is possible for an affair to happen, especially if your husband feels like this person brings the fun/conversation/time factor into his life and you don’t.

Lotyt · 22/11/2023 08:04

What you describe sounds pretty innocent to me. You don’t have to meet friends of your partner. You just have to trust them and if they break that trust then they pay the price.

ElaineMBenes · 22/11/2023 08:06

Pinkbonbon · 21/11/2023 23:29

I think its fine BUT he needs to invite you too.

You don't need to go but the fact that he hasn't invited you... not ideal.

You need to meet this person. If I was his friend I certainly would expect to meet you. If not this time then next time for sure.

It's just respectful to meet the partner if your married guy friend ASAP so you can show you aren't a threat and see she's OK with you hanging out.

My best mate is gay and I STILL met his partner ASAP once he mentioned they were official because I wanted his partner to know I was just a friend and didn't fancy him or anything weird.

Your life must be exhausting..... so much overthinking going on here.

Mazuslongtoenail · 22/11/2023 08:06

Sounds like a nice, healthy friendship and would not bother me one bit.