Page 3 | DH meeting up with old female friend

wendall456 · 2023-11-21T21:49:43+00:00

My DH and I are in in our late 40's with 2 teenage children. Many years ago in his late teens he had a hobby and through this hobby he had alot of friends both male and female but all about 10 yrs older than him. Over the years he has lost contact with most of them. However back in the summer he ran into the brother of one of the women who he used to know through his hobby (they did go on holiday together once but he assures me just as friends!) and he said that his sister was back in the area after living abroad for the last 20 years. For old times sake my DH said he would love to see her again and he gave her brother his number and she texted him. For clarification DH has been very upfront and open about him making contact with her. At the weekend they met up and he said it was so lovely to see her again. It seems they have lots in common so much more than me and DH. She is now retired as she looks after her grand daughter 2 days a week. Her and her husband have been together for 28 yrs and seem to be happily married. She has texted him to see if he wants to walk the dog with her and her dog and grand daughter on Friday. Dh says when they used to do their hobby she had a partner and he had a partner too and there was never any feelings between them, they were just very good friends. Should I be worried? I think I trust him but there is a niggle there slightly as we don't spend much time together due to work commitments and running kids here and there and everywhere - his friend has been there done that and has lots of free time as her Dh still works. Would you be happy if your DH met up with an old female friend. If it was a male friend I wouldn't be worried!

Denimdenimdenim · 22/11/2023 08:12

No problem at all. I can understand if you were cautious as we see a lot of horrible infidelity threads on mumsnet. But, I wouldn't let that stop life from carrying on. Worrying about their friendship will never change the end result. 🙂

My best friend is male and nothing would ever happen. I would be angry if DH didn't approve. DH also has a female best friend and I absolutely love her.

Just see how it goes and if you ever feel uncomfortable just talk to him about it. You may feel differently when you meet her - which I would recommend.

ElaineMBenes · 22/11/2023 08:14

. But any decent man would introduce women friends to their wives before thinking its ok to go gallivanting around with them one on one.

Gallivanting 😂😂😂😂

Since when is walking a dog with a child present 🙄

My DH works in a female dominated profession and has female colleagues who he has to work closely with. Inevitably they become friends. Some I've met and others I've not had the opportunity to yet.
But that's life and thankfully I'm not jealous and I trust him.
He's travelling next week with one of the colleagues I've not met yet....🤷🏼‍♀️

Cosywintertime · 22/11/2023 09:18

ElaineMBenes · 22/11/2023 08:14

. But any decent man would introduce women friends to their wives before thinking its ok to go gallivanting around with them one on one.

Gallivanting 😂😂😂😂

Since when is walking a dog with a child present 🙄

My DH works in a female dominated profession and has female colleagues who he has to work closely with. Inevitably they become friends. Some I've met and others I've not had the opportunity to yet.
But that's life and thankfully I'm not jealous and I trust him.
He's travelling next week with one of the colleagues I've not met yet....🤷🏼‍♀️

Some people are just very insecure in their relationships. Some men would also expect a partner to do this. It’s not just women. Although I guess if a man did it it would be called controlling.

me personally, I have no desire to vet my husbands friends, male or female. And really have no desire to meet them before he goes and does something.

im really not sure what purpose it serves , if someone is going to cheat, or you’re deeply insecure, demanding your husband isn’t allowed to even go for a dog walk with a woman before you meet her , certainly isn’t the sign of a good relationship.

if there is no trust there is no relationship.

Portach · 22/11/2023 09:23

BethDuttonsTwin · 22/11/2023 07:19

What a thoroughly nasty response. Did you purposely misread the OP so you could post something as unpleasant as this? Rather odd.

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I read the OP. She doesn’t need to have her baseless insecurities boosted, or people to nod along with her assumption that any male-female friendship must involve sexual attraction, even though this one demonstrably has a long history of not being so. I can’t imagine scoping out every opposite sex friend, colleague, neighbour etc from a sexual POV, and I always wonder whether the people who do this are particularly highly-sexed, if they are incapable of seeing someone of the opposite sex apart from in sexual terms.

If people really think that the only way to guarantee fidelity involves preventing any socialising between men and women, that’s pretty tragic. Why not go the whole hog and have single-sex workplaces, as they used to (maybe still do) in Saudi Arabia, with men and women on different floors of an office building?

Hibiscrubbed · 22/11/2023 09:23

Did I misread? Isn’t she twenty years older than him?

margotrose · 22/11/2023 10:12

Hibiscrubbed · 22/11/2023 09:23

Did I misread? Isn’t she twenty years older than him?

No - ten years and she moved abroad for twenty.

Hibiscrubbed · 22/11/2023 10:18

margotrose · 22/11/2023 10:12

No - ten years and she moved abroad for twenty.

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Ah ok. Well, not to be ageist, but is he likely to want to cheat with a near-60-year-old woman?

I mean, it’s shit he manages to find time for her and not the OP, but is it likely?

Cosywintertime · 22/11/2023 10:32

Portach · 22/11/2023 09:23

I read the OP. She doesn’t need to have her baseless insecurities boosted, or people to nod along with her assumption that any male-female friendship must involve sexual attraction, even though this one demonstrably has a long history of not being so. I can’t imagine scoping out every opposite sex friend, colleague, neighbour etc from a sexual POV, and I always wonder whether the people who do this are particularly highly-sexed, if they are incapable of seeing someone of the opposite sex apart from in sexual terms.

If people really think that the only way to guarantee fidelity involves preventing any socialising between men and women, that’s pretty tragic. Why not go the whole hog and have single-sex workplaces, as they used to (maybe still do) in Saudi Arabia, with men and women on different floors of an office building?

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As much as I did feel your initial response was a bit harsh, I do agree with your follow up.

it must be utterly exhausting to live in a state of constant alert, vetting other woman, not allowing your husband to have female friends because you fundamentally feel he is going to cheat on you, so you need to do this, to be worried if he goes on a dog walk, or texts a colleague, talks to her on the phone.

as said earlier, if there is no trust, there is no relationship and all the control in the world isn’t going to keep some one from cheating, in fact it’s likely going to do the opposite, as who can live like that.

if you feel your marriage is in such a bad way that you feel it’s possible he will shag an old friend a decade older given half a chance , then fix your marriage, the answer is not to vet her or ban her, if he’s going after her, you banning dog walks isn’t going to change anything,

IntheSand · 22/11/2023 10:38

I can see why you might feel a little uncomfortable. But I think it’s likely fine given the wider context.

Groovybooby · 22/11/2023 10:41

They are both in long term relationships and from what you've said he doesn't follow her on SM and like inappropriate photographs or anything to suggest more than just friends. I think you need to trust and try to work out how to spend more time with him to nip your anxiety about that in the bud. Maybe a weekend away?

TheHawkisHowling · 22/11/2023 10:45

I wouldn't be in the least bothered about this. I'd be happy for my partner, to be completely honest.

I appreciate that you're worried and I'm sorry that you're stressing over this. But jealousy is toxic in a relationship. Your partner deserves your trust for the relationship to function healthily.

If people are going to cheat, they'll do it. No amount of worrying or trying to control their social group is going to prevent it.

I really hope you can put your mind at rest 🌺

Disturbia81 · 22/11/2023 11:05

If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. Preventing him being in a situation is saying you don't trust him.
And that the only thing stopping him is opportunity.
People should not cheat because they don't want to and love you.

HeavyRainSoon · 22/11/2023 12:05

Disturbia81 · 22/11/2023 11:05

If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. Preventing him being in a situation is saying you don't trust him.
And that the only thing stopping him is opportunity.
People should not cheat because they don't want to and love you.

This^ OP you are me in a past life but tbh its taken a long time and a massive learning curve for me to realise that overthinking about stuff like this is likely to cause more issues in the relationship than actually preventing any cheating...if someone wants to cheat they will, and it is a waste of energy worrying about something that hasn't happened.

Matthew Hussey has a brilliant short video on trust and damage - 'trust not because you're certain but because it's your standard for how you want to treat someone in a loving relationship.'

Deathbyfluffy · 22/11/2023 12:11

DuploTrain · 21/11/2023 22:33

I don’t know… mumsnet has made me very cynical. Obviously no-one likes to think their lovely husband would do that… but then there’s countless threads of men having affairs and the wife being completely blindsided. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the thought to cross OP’s mind.

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There's also just as many instances of women doing the same, but I don't think for a second my wife would.
It's fine for the thought to cross their mind, but there's literally nothing to indicate it could be an issue.

If he had something to hide, he'd be trying to hide it.

Jessieq15 · 22/11/2023 15:29

I lend to my best friend all baby accessories she isn’t giving them back

I only used them myself for just a bit over 6 months and lend them to her
I bought all brand new
3in1 travel system £500
baby nest £35
next to me bed+mobile cot £170

I told her use them till u buy your own stuff as baby will outgrow them like I did buy toddler bed and stroller
she has bought another stroller ,bed and car seat so didn’t need what I gave her but she didn’t return them even I have asked everything isn’t being used anymore can get back to me and she was like I have stored them no worries
we live nearby
but what surprised me is that now she told she is pregnant again her baby is 10 months but that’s her decision anyway
Im starting to think she is planning on using them again
I note that my family gave me money to buy most of the expensive stuff they actually were a gift and I bought them so I can have them for my next one don’t know when but I’m just surprised she isn’t returning
I may sound like a bad person I just can’t say to her now give me my stuff
how do I ask in a nice way that I don’t want my stuff to be used again

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 15:55

It's not insecurity to want to meet your partners girl mates if he intends to be in one in one settings with them.

We're told as women we have to be absolutely cool with everything or we 'don't trust our partners'.

Trust.is.earned.
And maintained through transparency.

And no, it's not exhausting. It's just having manners and expecting the same from your ppartner. It takes 5 minutes to meet someone and say hello. I certainly wouldn't be hanging out one on one with a guy who had a partner without at least meeting her as soon as convenient. Because I respect women and any man worth his salt does too.

ElaineMBenes · 22/11/2023 15:59

Trust.is.earned.
And maintained through transparency.

But this doesn't mean 'vetting' your partners friends before he's allowed to spend time with them!

Hijinks75 · 22/11/2023 16:00

No problem with DW having friends of opposite sex, meeting one of her old male friends and going out with them however , for me, would cause concern, simply because she never has gone out alone with them, other than the men she knew before me.As the OP says it causes a her a niggle, that is probably enough to be a concern, as I said, no issue with friends of opposite sex but anything that makes you worried shouldn’t be ignored

mrssunshinexxx · 22/11/2023 16:01

I would invite them both over for lunch one weekend could be the start of a lovely friendship between all 4 of you

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 16:02

It means been given the opportunity to if so desired. They should always offer you the chance to meet them. Even if you don't take them up on it.

Technically you don't need to go. You can say 'no its cool, I trust you'. But I wouldn't be OK with someone who was essentially going on date like dalliances with a person of the opposite sex and didn't seem to want to introduce us. It's disrespectful and potentially points to them being untrustworthy.

GoingOffOnATangent · 22/11/2023 16:20

I wouldn't mind, DH and I both have friends of opposite sex. It's nice to revive an old friendship, good friends don't grow on trees!

Peachtails · 22/11/2023 17:29

I think it would have been nice for him to have invited you. Have you told him how you feel?

ElaineMBenes · 22/11/2023 17:39

Pinkbonbon · 22/11/2023 16:02

It means been given the opportunity to if so desired. They should always offer you the chance to meet them. Even if you don't take them up on it.

Technically you don't need to go. You can say 'no its cool, I trust you'. But I wouldn't be OK with someone who was essentially going on date like dalliances with a person of the opposite sex and didn't seem to want to introduce us. It's disrespectful and potentially points to them being untrustworthy.

Edited

But there's no suggestion that the OPs husband is reluctant to introduce them.

Of course if there was reluctance then that does raise a red flag. However a forced meeting doesn't feel appropriate, these things should just happen naturally.

I'm bisexual, does that mean my DH needs to meet everyone I spend 1:1 time with? 😂😂