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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would be your view of a woman knowingly being with a domestically abusive partner?

65 replies

ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 12:57

Context is.
My ex is in a new relationship. He was found to be domestically abusive against me and our daughter and currently only has supervised contact in a contact centre.
I have been made aware by a professional that his new partner is aware of some of the circumstances as to why he is having supervised contact and supports him.
For further context, ALL of ex's relationships have been domestically abusive..
I am only concerned about this now as ex has now put forward his new partner as a potential contact supervisor to be assessed by the family court/CAFCASS.
I have been made aware she is aware of his background and some of the concerns from CAFCASS.
How would you feel about this information?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/11/2023 13:00

It would confirm that your ex is still able to be the charming man you first met.

He’ll have given her a story and she’s believed it.

If there is multiple abusive relationships documented I’d be using that in my objection to her being a safe contact supervisor.

Stressfordays · 21/11/2023 13:00

Well if all of his past relationships were abusive, you must of known that too. Id just feel sorry for her and assume she is now the one being abused. I would refute her as a potential supervisor due to this and the fact she does not know my dc and would be bias.

Stressfordays · 21/11/2023 13:01

I didn't mean that to come across as victim blaming, I have been in a DV relationship too. Its just easy to ignore it and listen to them as they are so convincing so I can't judge her.

Popdrop · 21/11/2023 13:01

I would feel incredibly sorry for her. Perhaps she has experience of previously abusive relationships and it is her normal. Perhaps low self esteem and low confidence. Perhaps a lack of boundaries and no understanding of what a good relationship is or should be.

Did you know about his history when you got together or had he hid his past? Assume you weren't aware when you had children.
Perhaps he's hiding from her too to some degree.

Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:02

For information, I feel no animosity towards her, was just interested in views of people as to what they think or believe of women who support domestically abusive men.

OP posts:
RaisinsOfMildAnnoyance · 21/11/2023 13:03

This happened with me, although I'd been with my ex for 20 years before he escalated to DV. He found a new woman within months of us splitting, and she's supported him through family court, supervised contact, the lot. She knows he's a confirmed, admitted wife beater, and decided to become wife #2.

I think she's a fool.

PickAChew · 21/11/2023 13:05

Well you fell for him.

AdamRyan · 21/11/2023 13:06

I'd think she'd been sucked in by a load of "poor me, lying ex wife, parental alienation, i always am attracted to troubled women blah blah blah" and be worried for her.

Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:07

PickAChew · 21/11/2023 13:05

Well you fell for him.

Absolutely true.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 21/11/2023 13:11

I would assume that she had low self esteem/a history of getting involved with abusive men, and I would pity her.

I would not consider her to be a suitable contact supervisor under any circumstances.

Octavia64 · 21/11/2023 13:16

This is very common.

My ex was involved with a new woman before we were even divorced.

There can be a number of reasons for it but usually it's because they believe the lies that he man tells.

She's not suitable to supervise contact for obvious reasons.

WeeSleekitCowrinTimrousBeastie · 21/11/2023 13:17

She will have fallen for the same lines as you did.

Theunamedcat · 21/11/2023 13:22

She won't see it until it's too late seriously I warned my ex stepmother she rang me years later apologized for not believing me

My ex is bad too wife number three got with him when he was on bail for raping her friend they are still together years later I can only assume she is still funding him to his satisfaction so he is keeping his nose clean with her

Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:30

I do worry about the potential volatility of his relationship in the future also.

OP posts:
susanu67 · 21/11/2023 13:32

it's none of your business. the appropriate people will have told her all she needs to know, but the one thing they cannot do is make her leave. the same as, if they had come to you and told YOU he was absuve etc.. that decision is hers to make. and one day she will make it.. or she may not! there is nothing worse than watching the man you really loved and thought you could change have a relationship with another woman, and it appear to be working for them. let go of it, unless you have a reason to keep in touch with him or her, you will drive yourself mad... walk away! your part in his life is done... start healing

Spendonsend · 21/11/2023 13:38

I'm not sure if i understand but do you mean she would supervise the contact between your children and him?
Id be concerned that she would put him first not the kids.

TiredButDancing · 21/11/2023 13:38

SIL has spent years trying to get rid of exBIL. He's emotionally abusive, controlling, lazy, entitled, narcissistic... the list is endless. She completely knows ALL of this about him.

And yet, she STILL believes that the ex before her a) cheated on him b) was the reason he was bankrupt when she met him c) was emotionally abusive to him. If anything, she blames his ex for the way he has treated HER all these years.

I would push back hard that she cannot be a contact supervisor. The fact that she is in a relationship with him and supporting him, despite being informed of his domestic violence, suggests that she would be very relaxed leaving your DD in his care without active supervision.

Mari9999 · 21/11/2023 13:44

@ChickenAndRice3
If you know all of this , you can bring it to the attention of the family court.

verdantverdure · 21/11/2023 13:45

At my friend's rape trial the defendant's girlfriend and mother went out of their way to find my friend and call her a slag right after we found out he has been charged with rape twice before this case but always gets off. (We were also told my friend is the eighth woman to report him for rape.)

The partner (or supportive parent) of an abusive man probably isn't a suitable supervisor of him.

HopeFloatsAbove · 21/11/2023 13:49

I think you know full well that he will have lied to her regarding everything relating to you so she will have a scewed idea. She will eventually catch on. Your heading sounds so judgemental

Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:52

Spendonsend · 21/11/2023 13:38

I'm not sure if i understand but do you mean she would supervise the contact between your children and him?
Id be concerned that she would put him first not the kids.

Exactly this. Contact is currently in a contact centre with close supervision. There is talk about contact potentially progressing with the use of his new partner as the go between and supervisor of future contact. I have never met his partner and indeed know very little about her other than she is with him.
In addition, she is currently being assessed by a court appointed psychologist as to whether she is suitable or not to supervise. My guess will be no, my arguments are that every relationship he has had has been abusive and ends in violence, this won't be any different. It is very unlikely she knows the FULL facts and only HIS version of HIS truth. It is also unlikely she would prioritise DD's safety and I do not see her as a protective factor. It is likely she wouldn't supervise him and would potentially leave them unsupervised. I also don't have confidence in handing over DD to someone I do not know. The CAFCASS worker in our case has met his partner and I believe is toying with the idea but I have given her all of my arguments. In addition, I feel she constantly makes excuses for him whenever I try and defend my arguments.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:53

HopeFloatsAbove · 21/11/2023 13:49

I think you know full well that he will have lied to her regarding everything relating to you so she will have a scewed idea. She will eventually catch on. Your heading sounds so judgemental

It isnt meant to be, I have already said I have no animosity towards her at all as its likely she doesn't know the truth.

OP posts:
Spendonsend · 21/11/2023 13:54

I am sorry OP. That must be very scary. I hope she isnt allowed to supervise contact.

Original poster
ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:56

susanu67 · 21/11/2023 13:32

it's none of your business. the appropriate people will have told her all she needs to know, but the one thing they cannot do is make her leave. the same as, if they had come to you and told YOU he was absuve etc.. that decision is hers to make. and one day she will make it.. or she may not! there is nothing worse than watching the man you really loved and thought you could change have a relationship with another woman, and it appear to be working for them. let go of it, unless you have a reason to keep in touch with him or her, you will drive yourself mad... walk away! your part in his life is done... start healing

Edited

I didn't put anywhere in my OP that I kept in touch with him or her or had a desire to.

OP posts:
susanu67 · 21/11/2023 14:01

ChickenAndRice3 · 21/11/2023 13:56

I didn't put anywhere in my OP that I kept in touch with him or her or had a desire to.

Show quote history

apart from the fact that shes been nominated to be supervisor for contact visits for your child! what has she done wrong? you are angry and upset and want to hurt him, and turn his life upside down, just like he has done to you. No matter what he has done to you, you still have a child together, and that child is not a tool or a weapon to be used against each other. that child needs its dad, and that dad has a right to see his child.