DP (who has ASD) upset that I won't wear my ring

[TheBunnyLover]

I feel like I've posted a lot recently but a quick backstory if you've not read my other thread/post(s) is that I have been in a long distance relationship for just under 4 years. I never wanted long distance, but DP persuaded me into it by saying that we'd live together soon. Since then there's always been another reason why it couldn't happen yet and I am slowly getting to seeing that breaking up may be the right thing to do. I don't think DP has done it on purpose, but I feel 'strung along' or duped.

We're both gay women. DP has ASD and seems to struggle to understand me even more than I struggle to understand her.

But this particular issue is;

We'd been together about 18 months DP asked me if I'd like a promise ring for Christmas. I was very happy with this and we picked it together. I have since got DP one. But I thought we were going to live together soon when she offered to make a promise to me with a ring, if anything the ring seemed to make me feel she had a real commitment to me and to us.

And now, (over 2 years later) I don't wear it all the time. I didn't make a point of it, didn't announce that I wasn't so pleased with it any longer, I just don't wear it as often. It upsets me sometimes looking at it, and also people ask me about it too-then I have to explain that yes I'm alone but wear a promise ring. If I'm with a new group of people for whatever reason or a friend I've not seen in a long time or work with someone new...

It seems meaningless-sorry if that sounds harsh, when I am alone 99% of my time (not quite 99% but I see her every 2/3 weeks for a couple of days). I live alone and I arrange my life alone, pay my bills alone, deal with all that life throws at me alone.

DP is really, very upset by this. She's noticed I don't wear it as we video call 4 nights per week. She's said she thinks I'd not wear her ring even if we were married. That if I loved her I'd wear it, because she loves me and never ever takes hers off.

I told her of course I'd wear her ring if we were married but she's not here? I don't even feel like I am in a relationship at all, most of the time. She said she thinks I would take it off because I do now. This to me is insane-I don't wear it all the time BECAUSE we're not married, or committed or even together aside from now and again.

I know she thinks differently to me as she has ASD-but this makes no sense to me at all. She thinks that she's committed to me even though she's not here-and she may well be committed in the 'I won't have sex with anybody else' sense-but so am I-I just don't want to wear a ring that seems to be about something 'pretend' that isn't even happening?

I am not sure how to explain this better to her? She just doesn't understand my feeling on it at all. If anyone with ASD could help I'd appreciate it. I really do try my best to understand her.

You have a big problem and it’s got bugger all to do with a ring…

This, essentially.

I get her point.

If someone is given an engagement ring (which is another sort of promise ring)?but didn't wear it because they didn't feel engaged, then I think that the giver of the ring found rightly feel as though the engagement was less than fully committed to.

If you'd said that you don't wear it 24/7 because you sometimes forget to put it on, or it catches on your outfit or whatever, I'd not think twice about it.

You don't sound as committed as you say you are.

BUT. You two don't seem to be able to communicate or compromise. It doesn't sound as though there's much affection or comfortable companionship with shared goals.

What reason does she give not to move? Is there a reason you don't do the moving?

You sound like you're saying her asd affects her thinking so her thinking is wrong. You can feel however you feel but don't put her different perspective and feelings on her asd. I think she has a point and would also feel upset at your saying its meaningless and don't have asd. It doesn't sound as if you even like her all that much

@Gazelda because she has constantly said she'd move to be with me, and then a few weeks ago finally admitted that she felt it unfair and I should move to her.
I did a thread about it recently and I had a lot of replies-everyone apart from I think one person, said she should move to me, not the other way around given the circumstances.

I've become really upset over the last 18 months or so because she's kept promising, then finally admitted she's unsure about being with me. But she's still not here, and I now may have to start again.

I don't want a LDR and I never did, she told me she'd soon move with me and all would be okay.

I take your point about 'not feeling engaged'. My reason for 'not feeling it' however is she comes to visit me and has a good time then leaves and she seems to want it to be like that forever. I don't and never did, it feels very one-sided, she is fine with what we have now, but I am far from it. And I thought I'd put measures in place to ensure it didn't happen, and she reassured me each time. But (quite possibly to do with ASD) she wasn't telling the truth/hadn't thought the situation through.

It just upset me looking at the ring while living a single lifestyle.

@Fassbender2020 I absolutely do like her, I love her very much. I just wanted to understand.

It's no big deal to wear the ring-I mean I like it as far as a piece of jewelry goes. I just find it hard to look it at while she's not actually kept her 'promises' to me.

This is my previous thread but I'd not recommend reading all of it, It's long! Perhaps just my replies, if anyone's interested. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4926776-who-moves-in-with-who-in-these-circumstances-or-do-we-just-break-up?reply=130166280

Asd doesn't make someone a liar 'wasn't telling the truth'. I'd suggest either doing some more research on asd, but you don't sound compatible or like it's actually what you want, so if I were in your shoes, I'd end it

If you love her, stop defining her in every sentence as having asd. She's a person and yes, I have experience myself

Break it off. She isn’t good for you and having her in your life prevents you from finding a real partner. She is very hard work and is not capable, apparently, of taking your needs into account.

This is a hard one to unpick.

FWIW I'm also a gay woman, in a 5 year LDR, with an ASD partner and I sometimes wear a ring that my OH bought me for our first anniversary.

First off, I'd say that in my relationship we are completely committed despite living 3 hours away. I drive over every weekend or every other.
I dont feel like I go through anything "alone"
Yes I go out, organise bills etc, on my own, but I wouldn't expect a partner to lovingly embrace me while im paying the milkman and I dont feel alone or unsupported - I speak to my partner daily and message frequently so we're always "up to date" on each others day.

If youre in a relationship and feeling alone or lonely - youre not in the right relationship.

Re the ring - my partner doesnt monitor whether I wear the ring or not, and I wear it if im going out but not around the house, or on really hot days when I cant bear wearing jewellery.
I think in your case there might be a bit of ownership going on - wear this to prove youre mine etc. Not good.

The duped bit, I dont know.
I do know that ASD people fear change as it completely destabilises them and they get very fixed into a routine. It may be possible that your partner is kicking cohabiting into the long grass due to the above?

Either way, I think you both sound young, and I dont mean that in a negative manner.

Maybe if the relationship is causing this much grief it's time to exit.
Theres more to this than a ring.

I’m autistic and find your partners behaviour bizarre. If I was in a relationship with her I’d feel rejected and unloved. It sounds like she’s scared of commitment/closeness and youre not compatible.

I don’t wear my wedding ring, my autistic husband couldn’t care less as it’s a piece of metal and how we behave to each other is far more important.

@Fassbender2020 don't get me wrong I don't think she didn't tell me the truth on purpose!

I think she was unable to fully comprehend what moving would mean for her, until it came to the crunch (i.e I started saying I really thought we needed to think about the move now, LDR is making me miserable, have you looked for jobs? ) etc.
Her being with me is definitely what I'd want. But I understand it probably isn't going to happen now-which is why the ring had seemed like it didn't mean much, when she doesn't actually ever want to be with me.

That makes sense and I'm not saying someone with asd can do no wrong, either. Just that the ways your posts read with the constant mentions of asd is unhealthy, either as you're using it as an excuse for thinking you're reasons are right and hers are wrong... Or more likely as I read more of your posts, as a defense mechanism for yourself so you don't have to admit that this is not the relationship you wanted it to be and the grief and pain that comes along with it. I'm sorry, its a rubbish situation to be in

Reading this thread and the last one you quoted above, you both are just not right for one another.
Your idea of love and a committed relationship is different to hers. You need and want someone, from the off, to be local.
It doesn't seem to be an issue for her but she clearly can't move.
You both have very valid reasons to stay put in your respective areas.
There's more to life than this. Neither of you are in the wrong here (I'm gonna ignore the ring business as that's not the actual issue here). But you both deserve the kind of relationship comforts that you want. Not the ones you 'make do' with.

I think she's right to be upset that you're not wearing your ring, because it implies you're feeling less committed to the relationship. She's sad because it may mean you're about to split up.... and she may be right. But I don't understand what she means by saying you wouldn't wear the ring even if you were married.

Not at all. I've noticed this on MN and other forums-if I hadn't have mentioned her ASD I may have risked people judging her for her behaviour-which I didn't want as I understands a lot of her behaviour IS down to ASD. But because I have mentioned it people are noting I am using it as an excuse.

I'm not-I just wanted to equip any responders.

I will wear the ring again. It isn't much of a big deal to put a piece of jewelry on.

@LimeOrangeLemon But I don't understand what she means by saying you wouldn't wear the ring even if you were married.

She asked if I'd take the ring off even if we were married. I said "Do you think I'd take it off if we were married?" and she said
"Yes 'cause you do now".

I've taken it off because we don't even seem to have a relationship. Of course I'd not take it off if we were together and married.

That bit did baffle me, and I wanted to know if others understood.

I could have written this.

Also,

Asking 'ASD' people to explain your partner's behaviour is really quite offensive actually. We are not all the same, and not every toxic behaviour is because of a persons autism.

I think you're missing all the points from pp about it not being about the ring... You're not happy and putting on a piece of jewellery that you've said now makes you sad isn't going to help, it's putting a plaster on

@Verv you seem happy with LDR?

I definitely feel alone and unsupported.
I made it very clear from the start that I was reluctant to date her as she was too far away, I knew LDR wouldn't work for me. She reassured me constantly that nothing much kept her where she was, that if we dated and liked one another she'd move asap etc etc.

I'd not thought about the 'ownership' bit.

Yes, she lives with her parents at the moment.
I think she just hadn't thought it through properly.

@keye I didn't want to not mention ASD at all, as when I have done that before people have judged her behaviour far more harshly.

I am sorry if it has offended you.

I just couldn't understand it at all. I guess I do a little bit better now.

I look at this very simply. Neither of you are happy with the situation currently. You both need things that the other can’t provide/adapt to. You’ve been together for a fair while so I get that it’s hard to imagine ending this situation (I hesitate to call it a relationship as it feels like it’s habitual for you to be together but apart) but it’s not going in the right direction for either of you. I think I would contemplate ending things as painful as that might be.

See the thing is it sounds like you’re too upset to wear the ring which means you’ve attached a certain value to it being worn and your partner is upset because basically it sounds like you’re doing it because you don’t believe in the two of you as a couple? I don’t know that any of this is down to asd, I think you’ve decided it’s over but are justifiably finding it hard for it to finish x sorry op, hope you’re both ok x

You problem isn’t the ring and the fact that your partner has ASD.
The problem is that you want different things. Neither of you are unreasonable to be happy/not happy with the current setup because people have different individual needs. Understanding why she’s happy won’t change the fact that you’re happy in your current location and want to see a long term partner more often than you currently do. She’s not unreasonable to have changed her mind about where to live. She’s not duped you - opinions change with life and that’s ok.
I think that you’re fundamentally not compatible which is also fine. You keep on mentioning the ASD as if it will help one of you agree to the other’s preferences but it’s ok to recognise that a relationship can’t and won’t meet your individual needs.

The ring is irrelevant. Who will move is irrelevant. What's relevant is that you are not happy. that the current set up is not working. That you feel betrayed that she's backtracked on her plan to move to you. That you don't want to move to her.

So this relationship cannot work because you want different things. And neither of you is able/willing to do the thing the other one wants. Which is fine, it doesn't mean either of you is bad. It does mean that you need to move on and find partners who can give you both what you want.

Your needs aren’t less important because you don’t have ASD. 💐