DP (who has ASD) upset that I won't wear my ring

[TheBunnyLover]

I feel like I've posted a lot recently but a quick backstory if you've not read my other thread/post(s) is that I have been in a long distance relationship for just under 4 years. I never wanted long distance, but DP persuaded me into it by saying that we'd live together soon. Since then there's always been another reason why it couldn't happen yet and I am slowly getting to seeing that breaking up may be the right thing to do. I don't think DP has done it on purpose, but I feel 'strung along' or duped.

We're both gay women. DP has ASD and seems to struggle to understand me even more than I struggle to understand her.

But this particular issue is;

We'd been together about 18 months DP asked me if I'd like a promise ring for Christmas. I was very happy with this and we picked it together. I have since got DP one. But I thought we were going to live together soon when she offered to make a promise to me with a ring, if anything the ring seemed to make me feel she had a real commitment to me and to us.

And now, (over 2 years later) I don't wear it all the time. I didn't make a point of it, didn't announce that I wasn't so pleased with it any longer, I just don't wear it as often. It upsets me sometimes looking at it, and also people ask me about it too-then I have to explain that yes I'm alone but wear a promise ring. If I'm with a new group of people for whatever reason or a friend I've not seen in a long time or work with someone new...

It seems meaningless-sorry if that sounds harsh, when I am alone 99% of my time (not quite 99% but I see her every 2/3 weeks for a couple of days). I live alone and I arrange my life alone, pay my bills alone, deal with all that life throws at me alone.

DP is really, very upset by this. She's noticed I don't wear it as we video call 4 nights per week. She's said she thinks I'd not wear her ring even if we were married. That if I loved her I'd wear it, because she loves me and never ever takes hers off.

I told her of course I'd wear her ring if we were married but she's not here? I don't even feel like I am in a relationship at all, most of the time. She said she thinks I would take it off because I do now. This to me is insane-I don't wear it all the time BECAUSE we're not married, or committed or even together aside from now and again.

I know she thinks differently to me as she has ASD-but this makes no sense to me at all. She thinks that she's committed to me even though she's not here-and she may well be committed in the 'I won't have sex with anybody else' sense-but so am I-I just don't want to wear a ring that seems to be about something 'pretend' that isn't even happening?

I am not sure how to explain this better to her? She just doesn't understand my feeling on it at all. If anyone with ASD could help I'd appreciate it. I really do try my best to understand her.

But what would be different if you received an engagement ring instead of a promise ring? I don’t think that would change your DP behaviour.
I completely understand you not wanting to wear the promise ring if it upsets you as none of the promises are being followed through. In your post you already sound checked out of this relationship. You don’t sound happy with the way the relationship is so you need to have a serious think about if this is the relationship for you. If neither of you want to move are you prepared for this dynamic forever?

Well she's right about the ring because you've stopped wearing it as you have checked out the relationship. But its not the main issue. You need to work out whether you both actually want a mature committed live together relationship or not. If you both do then realistically the only option is for you to move to her area. I wouldn't do that without a definite commitment. It also sounds like it's too late.

My autistic wife moved in with me as it was the more realistic option due to similar circumstances to both of yours (excluding the tons of properties). Smaller distance though with lockdown being a big factor. We've recently sold my place and bought a house together 2 miles from her parents. Honestly her wellbeing is like night and day between the two homes. And her ability to pop into her mums when she needs support can't be underestimated. If I could have a do over I'd have moved sooner. The only compromise is that we didn't move to the exact village she's from 🤣

Abstract "love" isn't enough, it never is. It's necessary - but as a catalyst or a starting point.
You don't want an LDR and you don't understand each other.
Look, it's up to you, but as someone older , who has seen all life can throw at you and the HUGE advantages of having a loving partner you live with...
Pull the plaster off, send the ring back, and find a relationship where you end up living together and working as a team.

she expects that I would still wear my ring when I know she doesn't want me apart from to do 'fun' things with every few weeks?

Because kicking off about it means you'll recommit to putting up and shutting up about your own needs from a partner out of guilt.