DP (who has ASD) upset that I won't wear my ring

[TheBunnyLover]

I feel like I've posted a lot recently but a quick backstory if you've not read my other thread/post(s) is that I have been in a long distance relationship for just under 4 years. I never wanted long distance, but DP persuaded me into it by saying that we'd live together soon. Since then there's always been another reason why it couldn't happen yet and I am slowly getting to seeing that breaking up may be the right thing to do. I don't think DP has done it on purpose, but I feel 'strung along' or duped.

We're both gay women. DP has ASD and seems to struggle to understand me even more than I struggle to understand her.

But this particular issue is;

We'd been together about 18 months DP asked me if I'd like a promise ring for Christmas. I was very happy with this and we picked it together. I have since got DP one. But I thought we were going to live together soon when she offered to make a promise to me with a ring, if anything the ring seemed to make me feel she had a real commitment to me and to us.

And now, (over 2 years later) I don't wear it all the time. I didn't make a point of it, didn't announce that I wasn't so pleased with it any longer, I just don't wear it as often. It upsets me sometimes looking at it, and also people ask me about it too-then I have to explain that yes I'm alone but wear a promise ring. If I'm with a new group of people for whatever reason or a friend I've not seen in a long time or work with someone new...

It seems meaningless-sorry if that sounds harsh, when I am alone 99% of my time (not quite 99% but I see her every 2/3 weeks for a couple of days). I live alone and I arrange my life alone, pay my bills alone, deal with all that life throws at me alone.

DP is really, very upset by this. She's noticed I don't wear it as we video call 4 nights per week. She's said she thinks I'd not wear her ring even if we were married. That if I loved her I'd wear it, because she loves me and never ever takes hers off.

I told her of course I'd wear her ring if we were married but she's not here? I don't even feel like I am in a relationship at all, most of the time. She said she thinks I would take it off because I do now. This to me is insane-I don't wear it all the time BECAUSE we're not married, or committed or even together aside from now and again.

I know she thinks differently to me as she has ASD-but this makes no sense to me at all. She thinks that she's committed to me even though she's not here-and she may well be committed in the 'I won't have sex with anybody else' sense-but so am I-I just don't want to wear a ring that seems to be about something 'pretend' that isn't even happening?

I am not sure how to explain this better to her? She just doesn't understand my feeling on it at all. If anyone with ASD could help I'd appreciate it. I really do try my best to understand her.

@Rainbowshine I think that's the bottom line, I don't feel like it is a relationship either.

Relationships to me develop into seeing one antoher more to sharing lives. I can't comprehend living hours apart 4 years down the line.

@stayathomer yes, it does upset me wearing the ring. I remember being so happy when I got it-like it meant we'd be together. I find myself looking at it wondering what it DID mean, if anything.

I do believe in us as a couple but I can see why she may think that-shes quite 'happy' with how things are I think.

I just don't want to have to rent in her area, and I certainly wouldn't be able to cope living with her parents.

I just mentioned her having ASD because Ive posted without mentioning that before, and end up having to because people do judge her behaviour more harshly.

Yes im totally happy with it, but we knew from the outset that cohabiting would be off the cards until retirement due to one anothers circumstances and neither of us are in any rush (we're mid 40s) BUT, more to the point, neither of us has ever intimated that we would be moving in together in the near future which seems to be what has happened with you, so it's completely different.

Have you spoken to her or discussed why she's withdrawn from cohabiting?

@TheBunnyLover the way your DP acts reminds me my (ASD) ex.
Hed say to Yes to anything where he thought he was supposed to say Yes to. And then that thing actually happened, he was getting upset and angry because actually said thing was too much for him.

He would also have those very fixed ideas (black and white thinking) on things are supposed to be. So you are supposed to wear your wedding ring unless you want to get divorced fur example. Never mind that some people don’t wear their wedding ring all the time, or wearing it whilst doing <insert activity> would damage it or that you prefer to take all rings off at night.

Your DP is still living with her parents so I’m assuming she has never either lived on her own or successfully lived on her own?
I think she’d find living with you hard to adjust to. Different routines, different place/town all at the same time, it sounds a recipe for disaster. I can see why she doesn’t want to move AND live with you at the same time.

Btw, don’t let anyone make you think that if things aren’t going well, it’s automatically because you’re not good enough - good enough at understanding her needs, understanding autism etc….

Some times, it’s simply because your needs and her needs simply dont match, regardless of how much you love each other or want to make it work.

@Verv DP is mid forties, I'm a few years younger.

Yes that's very different isn't it. I laid my cards on the table (to 'broken record' level!) from the very offset.

She said she just began to feel it was unfair that she was meant to give everythig up. But I 'dragged it out' of her that she'd felt this way for a few months. She just didn't want to tell me. And she'd constantly said she wanted to be here, but it was just XYZ reason, before that.

Also, because she doesn't talk to anyone, but her peers know the situation, I think they've been saying I am unfair expecting her to move. The problem with that is, she won't tell them the full picture. She won't say that I made things clear from the start, or that she promised me she would and had no problem with it, or that she has nowhere for us to live. She'll jus smile and nod and change the subject-and I suspect that has been part of it.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir I tink that's what she did in this-but she doesn't do it in everything! She's very good at refusing to do things when she doesn't want to and has been since she was a child.

She has lived alone, and with ex partners. She's been with her parents for most of the time Iv'e known her though.

What does a promise ring mean anyway? Nothing. You aren't engaged or married so comparisons to those rings are silly.

The crux is that you don't want to move where she is, and she doesn't want to move where you are. You aren't happy in a long-term LDR and made that explicit to her early on.

You have a decision to make. Continue as you are (potentially forever) or split up.

No one has said its the ops fault because she doesn't understand asd, or that her needs matter less. Any pp who has mentioned the asd have also said that they don't sound compatible as op isn't happy

They're popular with gay females @Dogsitterwoes . I think just because traditionally it was more frowned upon-they were also popular with people too young to get married, back in the day.

Perhaps I should have pushed for an engagement one? But that ship has sailed. You're right, I have a decision to make now.

Mentioning her autism? Fine

Asking 'ASD' people to explain it as if we are all arsehole? Not so fine.

I’m autistic/ADHD (and in a long distance relationship FWIW). I remember your last thread. I do think it has a bearing on your dynamics that your DP is Autistic. (Disclaimer here: not everyone who is Autistic is like this!!). It sounds like your DP is quite rigid in her thinking. She’s struggling to compromise and see your point of view. It can be a part of Autism. This will make your relationship more difficult to navigate. I can compromise but I can’t change plans quickly. I hate the phrase ‘Can you just…’. Nope. I can’t change gears quickly. I need time to process change.
I agree with pp that you need to have a think about what you really want going forwards. It’s very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who can’t compromise. If you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship long term, she won’t move…what are you going to do? You can’t push your own needs aside for her’s forever.

Thank you for responding @NeurodivergentBurnout . I am certain her ASD is part of this and I have always compromised a lot more than her-for the most part, I don't mind!

I definitely understand that about processing.

But yes, this is a decision I need to make soon. I wanted this thread just to understand about the ring but I understand why it has gone elsewhere.

TBF I dont think it was meant like that.
My partner is diagnosed with Autism and tbh it does affect some daily behaviour.
Struggling with change to routine / transition (as in change from place to place) which could be a massive factor in reticence to relocate.
Nothing arseholey about it but perhaps not something that someone who doesnt have spectrum features would necessarily consider.

And yes, I know it presents in different ways. I can only really try to understand her. I do have a close friend with ASD though. He is similar to DP, similar social nuances but a lot more academic. He is a lot less confident in some ways than her though.

You aren’t compatible.

It was really clear from your other thread, OP, that this relationship has run its course, and you need to end it for your own good - it’s just making you miserable trying to carry on with something which leaves you so unfulfilled and upset. Those aren’t the signs of a promising partnership. It’s hard, but it’s time to rip off the sticking plaster. It will be painful at first but the relief will be huge very shortly afterwards.

This endless death by a thousand cuts is just awful, and you must know that she’s not going to suddenly change after all this time.

I'm beginning to feel quite uncomfortable that OP's partner's ASD seems to be being 'blamed' for the relationship difficulties.

OP, im sure you're being fair in accepting that some relationships simply run their course and it's no one's fault. I wish you well.

@TheBunnyLover Listen to @NeurodivergentBurnout. There is a lot of truth there.

Also remember that even if you are the one who has compromised until now, in the long run, it’s going to be very hard to always be the one to compromise.

eg you’ve always said No to a LDR but you have one
You dint want to move to her town but you’re not going to live together unless you do
You don’t feel wearing that ring everyday but you are made to feel bad about it.

You need to start being selfish and look after yourself. What are your No-No (a LDR is one but what else?). Is that relationship compatible with those boundaries?
Your relationship should be fulfilling for BOTH OF YOU. It sounds like it’s working for your DP. But is it really fulfilling for you?

@Gazelda i think finding blame and finding a reason/cause are two different things.

You can say that someone has some black and white thinking and therefore can’t compromise. That it is due to ASD. Without BLAMING that person for their black and white thinking.

In one case, you are factually stating a potential issue (eg as @NeurodivergentBurnout did).
In the other, you are criticising and making them responsible for the situation.

I don’t think posters have done that on this thread.

Put the ring on, do nothing, stay unhappy.
Or, realise you've already wasted 4 years. Sure you'll be unhappy to start with, but down the line, with someone local, you'll look back and wonder what kept you in it, passing time away.

"A promise ring, is a ring given as a gift to a romantic partner to signify a commitment to a monogamous relationship, often as a precursor to an engagement ring."

I've not read the previous post so I'm responding to the part about the ring in isolation.
Based on the above you're right not to wear it as you dont feel it represents the status of your relationship in terms of seriousness etc.
If you have communicated your reasoning I'm not surprised she's upset as you're not on the same page in terms of how you view your relationship.

It doesn't sound like your DP is upset that you're not wearing it in general, or because you don't want to wear jewellery etc. I get the impression she's upset at your rationale for not wearing the ring , ie as you no longer feel like you're in a serious relationship with a future together.

I think to say she's upset over you not wearing a bit of metal is completely misunderstanding the issue she has. The actual problem is much deeper - if you're not committed to a future together and "feel single" why are you with her?

@Verv

TBF I dont think it was meant like that.

Good, it would be worse if it was meant.

My partner is diagnosed with Autism and tbh it does affect some daily behaviour.

If it didn't affect him he wouldn't t be diagnosed, I'm not suggesting autism doesn't affect people so I'm not sure what the point is there?

Struggling with change to routine / transition (as in change from place to place) which could be a massive factor in reticence to relocate.

Quite, but that's not what's going on here so let's not pretend the way this person is acting towards OP is due to an autistic person being reluctant to change.

Nothing arseholey about it but perhaps not something that someone who doesnt have spectrum features would necessarily consider.

'spectrum features' - I'm sure you mean 'autistic person'

fucking spectrum features

From your previous thread, she's coercive, uncaring, abusive, neglectful, manipulative, ignores what you want in favour of what she wants to the extent of refusing to get out of bed if there's only your company to get up for - yet you're focusing on her wailing about a ring instead of how she treats you?

It certainly distracts you away from her still making excuses to force you to move away from your home, your social support and friends who say she's abusive and into a place where she's OK but you're not, I suppose.

Thank you all.
I understand why this thread has gone off topic, I just wanted to understand about the ring-I was struggling to move from my own point of reference with the matter-which I rarely have a problem with. I just couldn't understand why SHE didnt understand that we weren't actually 'together' so the ring didn't have much meaning for me and I felt like I accepted it due to false promises.

It is a beautiful ring and I was so happy when I first got it. I suppose knowing what's happened (& not happened) means that now looking at it upsets me-I was so full of hope back then!

@LeRougeEtLeNoir True. I don't know what my other 'no nos' are.

When me and DP first began to get to know one another I did ask such questions though. Asked her what she was looking for in someone, what she expected to get from a relationship etc. I guess she just told me what I wanted to hear. as I didn't see any of the issues we've had.

I agree, I don't think anyone (including me) has done that.

I have actually said that to DP once a few weeks ago when I was most upset.

That I felt I'd wasted four years-I mean people get married who've known one another far less long than that-it feels very wrong to not even be properly together yet.

@obje your post is helpful, thank you. I guess if It's just about monogamy (the ring) then It's right to wear it-I've been faithful and I am pretty sure DP has too.

But you're right, I dont feel that way because I don't think she'll ever properly be with me or want a proper relationship. She seems to be quite happy with that though. The thing is, she KNOWS I am not, knows I am far from it-so It's a bit baffling to me why she expects that I would still wear my ring when I know she doesn't want me apart from to do 'fun' things with every few weeks?

I think the fact you've not split up with her would be sufficient for her to believe that?

I agree - until you actually finish it she probably hopes you'll work things out somehow.