Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

509 replies

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 18:05

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

OP posts:
Mycatmax · 20/11/2023 19:59

Disgusting sex pest with no consideration of you whatsoever. He was bullying you about sex when you had cervical cancer? Read that back to yourself.

This man despises you, and probably hates all women.

Dump him and never look back.

Pashazade · 20/11/2023 20:00

He's a grim skeeze ball who only cares about sex and certainly doesn't care about you. When babies are tiny you get very touched out very fast imagine him demanding to have sex when you body barely feels like it's your own. It will at times be the last thing you want to do.
He should respect that, he obviously doesn't.
You need to break up with him. He's made it clear that you are a convenient booty call and he has no intention of committing to you properly.
I'm really sorry but please please separate from him. You owe yourself a happier future with someone who respects you as his partner and equal regardless of how much sex you have.

Treesinmygarden · 20/11/2023 20:01

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:54

Also, one of the reasons I posted here, is because I posed the question to him “what happens when I have children with you, when we are raising children, and inevitably for a period of time I wont be able to, or wont want to have sex due to children” Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies….. I was shocked…. That cant be true. Maybe it is, I’ve never heard anything of the sort and didn’t know how to respond. Apparently he will still expect me to have regular sex when I’m 8 months pregnant.

That is not true!!!

OMG, every single thing he says is screaming, get the fuck out of this!!

What are you doing with this man??!

80s · 20/11/2023 20:01

This is one of those threads where I hope it's written by AI.

Stonemaiden · 20/11/2023 20:03

80s · 20/11/2023 20:01

This is one of those threads where I hope it's written by AI.

Me too! It's getting more ridiculous by the minute.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 20/11/2023 20:05

80s · 20/11/2023 20:01

This is one of those threads where I hope it's written by AI.

I hope so too. I cannot imagine a real life woman would have such low self-worth as to allow herself to be in thrall to someone so repellent.

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 20:06

You're all being way too harsh. OP its clear you want to resolve it and that will take a real heart to heart with your partner and a discussion perhaps on what sex means to both of you, maybe some ways you can both find to move forward either together or alone. Seriously don’t take advice from bitter women on here. One said “my vag is closing up” pretty much sums up majority of posters on here no doubt. When did sex become a dirty thing to be ashamed of, and why should her other half be made to feel like a naughty little boy and a loser for expressing his desire for more intimacy? OP I know you’ve said you love him in lots of ways, but for me personally, if my boyfriend loved me on all those ways and stopped short of sex I’d feel so unfeminine, whether that’s fair or unfair we can’t help how we feel and if sex is a really important part of our closeness with the person we love! Please ignore the closed vag’s on here. God I’d hate a partner like them. You may just not be compatible. I fully understand you have been very ill. How was he through that? Was he loving and understanding?

Marshmallowtoastie · 20/11/2023 20:06

It can’t be real now.
he got angry at you over sex when you had cancer?
if this is real and not a weird troll or ai post, you need to go to therapy and figure out why the fuck you want to be with someone who treats you so appallingly

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 20:07

I fully understand you have been very ill. How was he through that? Was he loving and understanding?

@Redrose23 RTFT to see that he was a complete asshole about it.

Original poster
WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:07

80s · 20/11/2023 20:01

This is one of those threads where I hope it's written by AI.

I wish hahaha

OP posts:
Kissmystarfish · 20/11/2023 20:09

I would run for the hills!!! No way would I stay with him. Some couples don’t have sec once a year due to illness like cancer etc….

ewwwww.

ShenleyWillow · 20/11/2023 20:09

He's awful and trying to take advantage of you.

MustBeNapTime · 20/11/2023 20:09

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:54

Also, one of the reasons I posted here, is because I posed the question to him “what happens when I have children with you, when we are raising children, and inevitably for a period of time I wont be able to, or wont want to have sex due to children” Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies….. I was shocked…. That cant be true. Maybe it is, I’ve never heard anything of the sort and didn’t know how to respond. Apparently he will still expect me to have regular sex when I’m 8 months pregnant.

I actually did want sex when I was eight and even NINE months pregnant occasionally, however that was with a lovely, gentle husband who was very careful and thought about my needs every step of the way.

I then had an emergency C-section. He didn't get a look in for maybe six months after that. You know what he said? Nothing, absolutely nothing, he never made even a move in my direction, he just cuddled me, very gently, with nothing sexual in it at all and only IF I wanted it! He held my hand, he kissed my forehead, he made me food, he dried my eyes and wiped dripping snot from my puffy red face because I was struggling with breast feeding and still told me I was beautiful. That's what REAL men do, they do not insist that this or that sex is normal, because when it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, it is 100% about what the woman wants and needs and there is no normal.

Vile, hideous sex pests on the other hand...

RedRobyn2021 · 20/11/2023 20:09

What a disgusting abusive prick

There is no help for him here, he is scum. Personally I would end things immediately and never speak to him again.

Then maybe read some self help books.

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 20:10

Well that’s really sad OP, honestly I just think this stands to be one of those things that slowly chip away at a relationship and ruin it. To not be understanding when you were sick is a red flag. I still personally would feel with someone who is well that sex twice a week is not enough to make me feel desired and loved and it would play on my mind that my partner can take me or leave me. Again that may seem wrong to some people- but we are all only human with different desires and ways of thinking about this stuff.

category12 · 20/11/2023 20:10

Yep.

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days
CaramelMac · 20/11/2023 20:12

You cannot change him, he does not care for you and it doesn’t matter how much you love him he will always treat you horribly because you are letting him get away with it. It doesn’t matter how often other people have sex, what matters is you don’t want to be held to a quota and he wants a quota. Any sensible persons advice to you would be to dump him and find someone nicer, he’s wasting your life.

Conkersinautumn · 20/11/2023 20:12

There is nothing more off.putting than someone demanding their "needs" and pestering someone else. How unappealing that must be. There's a whole world.out there, your own needs and what they are need to be your priority

MustBeNapTime · 20/11/2023 20:12

@Redrose23
I fully understand you have been very ill. How was he through that? Was he loving and understanding?

He pestered her and bullied her into sex, that's how he was. Indefensible and the absolute opposite of loving and understanding.

Dentistlakes · 20/11/2023 20:13

Time to move on I’m afraid. He’s not going to get any better and the last thing you need is to be trapped into a longer term relationship. It’s good he hasn’t moved in.

You really deserve so much better and you won’t have a chance of a good relationship if you continue with this man. Time to be free and then meet someone who deserves you.

sandyhappypeople · 20/11/2023 20:14

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:48

Part of me knew this would be most of the responses, however, I’m somehow holding onto some glimmer of hope. Since I was 17 or 18 I convinced myself that I would Defintley have a family with this person because I’ve loved them so long and so much. But he is really putting me in a position of no longer knowing how to try and negotiate with him or make him see how he is acting towards me is really hurting me and making me feel like I have no idea how I would have his children…….

He’s KNOWS how he’s acting is hurting you, you don’t have to keep telling him or trying to ‘make him see’, he knows full well what his words and actions are doing to you, but he doesn’t care about that, because he’s realised emotional manipulation is a good way to get you to comply with his demands, he’s getting everything he needs from his mummy, the only thing he needs you for is sex, and if you’re not going to give it to him he’s going to find a way to force you into it and he has.

When you finally leave him you will look back on this time of your life and cringe at how much time you wasted, even more so because of your defense of his actions, why would you even consider having children with a man who won’t even commit to living together after 10 years.

how can you possibly love someone who purposely makes you feel this way? You say you already feel like a sex doll, I wouldn’t be surprised if this escalated into full on rape if you let this continue.

HarrietStyles · 20/11/2023 20:15

He is vile. Most men are not like this. I know you have been with him since you were very young, so you probably don’t have anything to compare it to. But take it from an older woman like me - he is 100% abusive and selfish. Throw him in the dustbin and find a new man who adores you, treats you like a princess, makes you feel sexy, treats you with respect and will be excited to move in with you and build a wonderful life together. And meant kindly - maybe think about seeing a therapist to work out why you have allowed yourself to be treated like this.

jannier · 20/11/2023 20:15

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:27

Let me add since part of it might have been missed. I do love him very much, and generally speaking I am incredibly affectionate with him. My problem isn’t that Im against having more sex, my problem is that he has set a quota and if the quota is missed due to illness etc he starts fights and demands we have more sex.

This problem started when I had ovarian cancer and my libido dropped both during illness and once I was in remission because of depression and medication.

Now its because he is pestering me constantly since then and it makes me want to have sex less. He also cant seem to understand why I dont want to take a booty call at his moms house.

It's coercion that's wrong manipulative people can make you think anything normal people don't use blackmail and threats or put you down to force you to comply every abused woman thinks they love him.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 20/11/2023 20:16

Please move on OP. Why on earth would you want to stay with someone who "demands" anything?

cloudfree · 20/11/2023 20:16

This does not sound like love to me - no deep care and respect for the other person. Don’t look at the time invested and make a decision on that - look at yourself in 10 years time what will have changed?