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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

509 replies

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 18:05

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 20/11/2023 19:50

Oh sweetheart. I am begging you to end this one sided relationship. When did you last feel sure that he loved you, unconditionaly?
Pack any bits he has at your house, text him to fetch it off your door step, get your house key back.
You deserve so much better than this childish pest.

fearfuloffluff · 20/11/2023 19:50

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 19:46

No, I’m very much a woman, thank you. Everyone is different with different needs and different ways of feeling loved. It’s really sad to be with someone that it is a chore to have sex with, it’s a valid point. There are plenty of women with high sex drives not just men! I understand the guy in this situation, because I’m one of them, and sex is a part of my love language, offering a different perspective,

I really see Mumsnet as quite pointless lately. The censorship when nothing nasty has been said, but just an offering of another perspective, is so “liberal” it makes me want to puke. If Mumsnet wants to go downhill offering one sided opinions and deleted the ones they don’t agree with, they are nothing but a censorship forum of people parroting the same opinions.

I pointed out a few realities. The guy is expressing himself, maybe clumsily, but in a raw way. They are NOT compatible, and this will likely cause big issues in the future.

Nah. Mismatched sex drives, you can discuss and see if compromise can be found. But a sulky stroppy man trying to impose sex quotas while refusing to move out of his mum's house?

The raw feelings he has are a)why don't I get everything I want and b)how can I manipulate this woman into doing what I want

Tisfortired · 20/11/2023 19:50

I never post on relationship threads but I felt compelled to ask why on earth you didn’t dump this guy years ago? Perhaps you got together so young and didn’t realise this wasn’t normal and it kind of slowly escalated from there? But no - this is not normal in any way shape or form and you need to leave him.

porridgeisbae · 20/11/2023 19:51

But he is really putting me in a position of no longer knowing how to try and negotiate with him or make him see how he is acting towards me is really hurting me and making me feel like I have no idea how I would have his children

He wouldn't care OP, he doesn't want kids with you, a future with you, that's why he hasn't moved in. He's not interested in the type of relationship you want, unfortunately.

80s · 20/11/2023 19:51

What is it about him that makes you think "great dad material", then OP?

therealcookiemonster · 20/11/2023 19:52

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:48

Part of me knew this would be most of the responses, however, I’m somehow holding onto some glimmer of hope. Since I was 17 or 18 I convinced myself that I would Defintley have a family with this person because I’ve loved them so long and so much. But he is really putting me in a position of no longer knowing how to try and negotiate with him or make him see how he is acting towards me is really hurting me and making me feel like I have no idea how I would have his children…….

but why though? this is a sunk cost fallacy situation

17 year olds are not the best judges of character and also people grow and change. 17 is way too early to choose a partner for life (in most cases).

category12 · 20/11/2023 19:52

to clarify, I am genuinely looking for a way I can talk to him or find a solution, because so far he isn’t understand that my problem is that he has set a quota I must stand by, and not that Im not open to having more sex. I am, he just seems to not be interested in committing to our relationship.

There's no magic set of words that will make him see your point of view - because he doesn't want to. It's not that he doesn't understand what you're saying to him, it's that he doesn't like what you're saying and is determined to have things his way.

If he wanted to move in with you, he would have.

He just wants sex on demand, to do what he wants and for you to shut up.

Meowandthen · 20/11/2023 19:52

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:48

Part of me knew this would be most of the responses, however, I’m somehow holding onto some glimmer of hope. Since I was 17 or 18 I convinced myself that I would Defintley have a family with this person because I’ve loved them so long and so much. But he is really putting me in a position of no longer knowing how to try and negotiate with him or make him see how he is acting towards me is really hurting me and making me feel like I have no idea how I would have his children…….

Stop it. He’s a pest, a mummy’s boy, childish, and a waste of your time.

He is just using you. Open your eyes. Healthy relationships do not operate like this.

You’d be an idiot if you had a child with this man baby.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/11/2023 19:53

Xmaspenguin · 20/11/2023 18:13

Dump him. Dump him. Dump him.

One last time. Dump him.

This.
He pesters you for sex
He'd rather live with his mum than have a grown up relationship.

43ontherocksporfavor · 20/11/2023 19:53

Absolutely not acceptable. Didn’t even read past your first paragraph!

SpacePotato · 20/11/2023 19:54

Everyone on the thread shouting DUMP THE GOBSHITE.

OP "but I love him and want him to understand"

He lives with his mum because it's easier. Probably pays little to no rent. Probably waited on hand and foot with food/washing etc.

You had cancer and he got angry for not being able to have sex with you!!!!! FFS what is wrong with you that you think this is acceptable behaviour?

He doesn't love you. Sorry op. He just wants someone to stick his penis in and you are convenient.

Original poster
WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 19:54

Also, one of the reasons I posted here, is because I posed the question to him “what happens when I have children with you, when we are raising children, and inevitably for a period of time I wont be able to, or wont want to have sex due to children” Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies….. I was shocked…. That cant be true. Maybe it is, I’ve never heard anything of the sort and didn’t know how to respond. Apparently he will still expect me to have regular sex when I’m 8 months pregnant.

OP posts:
DurhamDurham · 20/11/2023 19:54

I think having children with him would be disastrous for your life, and that of your children.
All you've written about is your affection towards him and how you have begged him to move in.
What is it about him and the relationship that brings you any happiness or peace?
Or do you just not know any better/different since you've been together since you were young?

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 20/11/2023 19:54

Run!!’n don’t waste any more of your life on this “relationship” or “man”.

Onesipmore · 20/11/2023 19:56

What on earth would happen if you had to have a C section or an episiotomy after birth where you physically couldn't have sex with him, or because you might be too busy with a baby. What a knob jockey

MaggieBsBoat · 20/11/2023 19:57

How can your bar be so damn low??
I‘m honestly horrified and sad in equal measure.
You are servile and in love with a prick. I’d be ashamed for you of it weren’t so sad.
ffs. Get a new life away from him before you waste anymore time!!!!

Perfect28 · 20/11/2023 19:57

And you're still together because?? Sorry you wasted your twenties with this douche

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 19:57

to clarify, I am genuinely looking for a way I can talk to him or find a solution, because so far he isn’t understand that my problem is that he has set a quota I must stand by, and not that Im not open to having more sex. I am, he just seems to not be interested in committing to our relationship.

@WilyOdysseus

How many times have you tried to have this conversation with him without him "understanding" your point of view?

Lots of times, right? And still you're thinking that you just haven't hit on the right combination of words that will finally result in him understanding you, or you just need to understand him a bit better and figure out what he's not getting and then it will all fall into place, or he'll have a moment of clarity when you explain your feelings a bit better and he will empathise with you and commit to a relationship and be more flexible and understanding about when and how often exactly sex happens.

Sorry, babes, but there is no magic combination of words that will unlock understanding in him. He doesn't understand where you're coming from and he doesn't care about your feelings and he doesn't want to either. You feel like he sees you as a dysfunctional sex doll because HE DOES SEE YOU AS A DYSFUNCTIONAL SEX DOLL.

His failure to commit to you is the biggest gift of the relationship because you really really don't want to tie yourself to this manipulative and controlling man-child through marriage and/or children.

I am begging you, take off those hopeful, rose-tinted glasses, see your dickhead of a boyfriend for who he really is and get shot of him immediately. Then spend some time with a professional therapist who can help you grow your self-worth and learn to set reasonable boundaries.

Treesinmygarden · 20/11/2023 19:57

MustBeNapTime · 20/11/2023 19:38

Eugh, he was pestering you for sex whilst you were battling cancer? How can you even look at him much less still want to talk it out with him and get him to move in with you?

If a friend came to you and confided what you have said here, what would you advise her? To try and reason with him hoping he changes his spots, have more sex when they don't want it or to run for the hills?

He's a disgusting, vile, unfeeling, pig of a sex pest who doesn't want a long life loving relationship with you.

Leave him with his mummy and get yourself a real partner who loves you and not just the availabilty of your vagina!

^this.

I couldn't ever forgive him for that.

He's an utter bastard.

Mummypigisalwaysright · 20/11/2023 19:58

Fucking hell op, run away as fast as you can.
Do not have children with this man, he does not care about you.
There is no way you will ever be able to reason with or please him.
Get away from him as fast as possible.

80s · 20/11/2023 19:58

I still had regular sex when I was 8 months pregnant, but not with a sex pest.

Mari9999 · 20/11/2023 19:58

@WilyOdysseus
Don't confuse habit and familiarity with "always loved."
It is not the person that you are holding on to ; it is the dream of what you might have had together that you are holding on to. No child deserves an insensitive jerk as a father simply because mom had a dream.

Sometimes we have to make realistic assessments of our situation rather that relying on girlish hopes and dreams.

Catpuss66 · 20/11/2023 19:58

Do you want to know why he is treating you like this? Because you are letting him.

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 19:59

Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies….. I was shocked…. That cant be true.

IT'S NOT TRUE. It's laughable bullshit that he's making up to control you because he doesn't care about reality, he only cares about how often he gets his end away.

FFS sake, where do you think he managed to become an expert on the post-natal sex lives of 'most people'. He's talking out of a hole in his ass.

BirthdayRainbow · 20/11/2023 19:59

You are making excuses for him. I couldn't face reading all the first OP as all I could think was leave this guy. You've been with probably just him and have no other idea but this is NOT a healthy relationship. Stop chasing the wrong men. Don't chase any man but certainly not one who treats you so appallingly.