Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

[WilyOdysseus]

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

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I'm 40s and have had two marriages and several relationships; and I have never had a man expect sex at that interval. Ever.

And the only one who was remotely sex pesty, got dumped - as he deserved to be.

He also had a tonne of other bad traits too, interestingly.

So for 6 years he refused to get a job…….darling, you really need to get a grip if you think he is a good catch, that is highly unattractive behaviour, actually pretty much everything you are saying about him is unattractive ….why on earth would you want to be with someone who refuses to work for 6 years, what on earth was he doing and how was he financing his life

He sounds like an absolute twat. He was hassling you for sex when you had cancer??
Get rid of him asap would be my suggestion.

Manipulation is not an expression of love for you.
Agreeing to do things you don't enjoy is not an expression of love for yourself.
Get rid of the first problem, and work on the second one.

So he's 28 years old and his mummy does all his cooking. Does she wash all his dirty pants too?

Even if he did want to move in and those where the only issues, never move in with a partner who has never lived independently before at 28 years old! Fair enough if they moved out and moved back at some point. But they need to show that they CAN live independently of their mummies apron strings.

All that would happen otherwise is you'd have to take on all his mums old 'jobs' and baby him like the man child he is.

Men especially need to show they can take care of themselves before moving in with a woman. That they aren't mysoginysts who expect women to run around after them.

This guy is 28 years old and doesn't even know how to cook his own food. Pathetic.

Let's not infantalise all men, they are adults just like everyone else: If they can't cook at 28 it's not because they are a man, it's because they are a loser.

What @exexpat says. This is a 'man' who nearing 30 lives with his Mum. He can't cook, so either she cooks or you do.
He didn't bother working for 6 years and spent money only on himself.
He is coercing you to believe that his behaviour is normal.
How did he react when you had cancer? He asked for more sex.
Imagine if this was a friend or later in life if you had. daughter and they were telling you this, you would be advising them to run for the hills.
Tell him you have been thinking about things and his demands are unreasonable. Start putting your foot down. You actually have the power here to walk away and he would never be able to explain why you had split because the behaviour is all on him. Please think about all of the advice on this thread x

IMO never live with someone who is living with mummy at 29, doesn't cook, no doubt doesn't clean and sees work as a hobby. You'll be expected to be his mother, do everything around the house as well as have sex when he demands otherwise he'll give you the silent treatment.

A man who turns sex into a chore, which is what he is doing with his weekly quota, really doesn't get any better.

I cant get over you being poorly with ovarian cancer and him still wanting to stick his nob in you 2-3 times a week, getting upset if you said no! What a sex pest

end it, it wont get better. Your fanny will thank you!

The plot thickens. Not only is he an arsehole, but he is a jobless layabout. What a catch.

I understand that you have sunk many years into this cretin, and he's your first everything... but you really need to ditch him now. Don't waste any more time on him as he doesn't deserve it.

Jesus Christ! Leave this malingering manchild cocklodger sexpest.

I would put significant money down to bet that you're just a booty call to him, and he's seeing other women to make up his weekly 'quota'. That's the real reason he hasn't moved in.

You are presumably in thrall to him and trying to paint him in the best possible light, and yet he doesn't even come across here as a remotely decent person, let alone a loving partner.

Apart from all the other awful behaviour, he's been clear that he'd be happy having sex with you knowing you don't really want to. Please think about that.

He’s enjoying treating you badly. It makes him feel good. You otoh sound lovely but rather naive, not surprising as you’ve only ever had this one relationship. You’re definitely stuck in your teenage pattern of thinking about him.

He’s a sex pest.
He’s a poor provider.
He’s selfish with his money.
He’s manipulative and coercive, borderline rapey.
He’s not bothered to adult.
He’s living at home with mummy and decided women’s roles are to serve him.

All in all, he’s a parasite, who doesn’t care about your needs. The way he treated you during ovarian cancer is appalling. This should have been your line in the sand.

I hope you’re slowly coming to realise you don’t love him. And that he most certainly doesn’t love you. You like the idea of him, the glimmer of niceness he shows you when you are totally submissive and allow him to totally control you.

So he can refuse to live with you but you can't refuse sex with him?! He is an absolute pig for how he has treated you!

This is not normal or acceptable behaviour in a relationship, OP.

Leave him and don't look back.

@WilyOdysseus

So this creature lives with his mother for free, disrespecting her by not paying anything at all towards his keep, leeches off her for the six years for accommodation whilst without a job or, it seems, any intentions of getting one. Uses any money he does get not in repaying his mother's finances but buying expensive boy-toys. No doubt she also cleans up after him, does his laundry and we know he doesn't cook (so she does that too) - so he has all the comforts of his mother's home.

From you he has sex as often as he can coerce it from you and even tries to persuade you to booty calls at his mother's house, poor (foolish) woman.

He has things set up pretty much as he wants it - except for the fact you don't put out as often as he wants.

Why on earth would he want to move in with you - the current set up suits him, if only you'd have sex with him whenever he wants it. If he did move into your home you'd probably "nag" him to tidy up after himself, do his share of household chores, contribute to bills - why would he want that?

OP Do, please, value yourself better than you currently do. Surely you want better to be some sex doll? Can you really see him settling into a normal adult relationship, being a co-house owner, being a co-parent to children (I hope you NEVER bring children into this scenario) or anything else that an adult should do.

A previous poster suggested you get therapy ASAP - I second that. Please don't throw the rest of your life away like this. You deserve better than this. 🌹

He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me.

That's enough to chuck him.

“He’s enjoying treating you badly. It makes him feel good. You otoh sound lovely but rather naive, not surprising as you’ve only ever had this one relationship. You’re definitely stuck in your teenage pattern of thinking about him.

He’s a sex pest.
He’s a poor provider.
He’s selfish with his money.
He’s manipulative and coercive, borderline rapey.
He’s not bothered to adult.
He’s living at home with mummy and decided women’s roles are to serve him.

All in all, he’s a parasite, who doesn’t care about your needs. The way he treated you during ovarian cancer is appalling. This should have been your line in the sand.

I hope you’re slowly coming to realise you don’t love him. And that he most certainly doesn’t love you. You like the idea of him, the glimmer of niceness he shows you when you are totally submissive and allow him to totally control you.”

@WilyOdysseus - what did you learn about relationships growing up that has caused you to hang on to this guy? He sounds awful. Please get rid of him. You have time to find someone decent. Don’t waste your life on him.

Honey, you are young. It's not going to get any better. You may have dc one day. You'll go through emotional and hormonal ups and downs over the years. You will become perimenopausal. This is going to eve horribly. You will be abused in the process.
I say this with no flipancy. Please end it now. He's not the one.

Jesus Christ, I couldn’t read beyond your third sentence. He’s a complete shit. Just dump him.

Oh my god, please leave the disgusting, manipulative twat.

The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me

Also, what do you mean when you say you’ve put ‘SO much’ on the line to be with this animal?

Dump him, don’t waste any more years on him. You are young you have plenty of time to find a normal man.

Ok I’ve read a bit more,

He:

• lives with his mother
• refuses to live with you
• didn’t have a job for years
• can’t cook
• has never paid a bill
• hassles you for sex
• abuses you when you say no
• hassled you for sex and punished you when you had ovarian cancer
• makes shit up in arguments to manipulate you
• refuses to commit to the relationship and makes up reasons, lack of sex is his current one.
• is addicted to porn

I’m not sure I need to go on, do I?

To be fair to him he has been very clear ans straightforward about what he wants from the relationship.It is now up to you to decide if you are on thw same page.It sounds as though you v are not