Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

[WilyOdysseus]

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

End things with him. Rent out your flat. Find a job/project that really interests you far far away and go off and do it for a year or two. If you meet an appealing chap have a good time with him.
Allow yourself to develop the perspective you would have developed if you hadn't got bogged down with this waste of space.
And I say that as someone who met their DH at 16, forty years ago and has never been blackmailed for sex or held back in life. Even now, with our bones starting to creak, if I said let's go and live in the rainforest for a year he'd say 'I'll pack the mozzie spray'.
I have a daughter like you, who has become bogged down by a boring young fart for the last couple of years and whilst at the moment I can't say this to her face - she's not quite at the crossroads yet - I can say it to you as you clearly are at the big junction with the Stop sign imminent.

Do him a favour and dump this sex obsessed mummy's boy.
Tell him you leave, so you give him the opportunity to find that special woman who will have sex with him whenever he wants.

Is only nice to her when she either gives him sex, or behaves the way he wants her to. Training her like a dog with little "treats" and praise. OP, thank your lucky stars you've not moved in together it will be so much easier to rid yourself of him.

OP. I think a lot of this has to do with you getting together at 16. You've known no other relationship and you've been with him for the whole of your adult life. It will be a big upheaval to break up with him, certainly.

But - you are your own person. Break up with him and you'd go through heartache and confusion, then you'd bounce back and feel hugely better about yourself, be able to go out and make friends, have romances, find someone who really wants to be with you for you.

At 28 you're at the peak time for doing these things and finding someone who wants to start a family with you with a few years to get to know each other and set up a home first. You've got time to date a few frogs before you find a prince.

Drag this on for 2, 4, 6 years and you might be doing the kind of dating where you're looking for someone to have a family with right now, which is not ideal.

Break up. Give yourself a year or two to find yourself and get back on your feet, doing a little dating. You'll hit your 30s having a great time and he'll still be wanking into a sock at his mum's house wondering where it all went wrong.

OP. There is no one in this thread ( unless I've missed something) telling you this man is a Prince, hold on to him and submit to more frequent sex and of course he will move in with you and things will be dandy.
You are so lucky that he hasn't.

I agree with other posters that you are still holding onto the idea of how he was when you were teens in the 1st love stage, but you have both grown up since then, well you have anyway. But I think this became a norm, and a constant in your life and I don't think you can blame yourself. Its not your fault he is a complete knob and a brazen liar.
The situation has crept up on you, bit by bit and its easy to say with hindsight that it was a mistake, but I don't think anyone would be able to predict the full extent of his behaviour from the outset

It's clear from your posts that you are recognising that he has developed into a very unhealthy person to be around since you first met when you were 16/17.
You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You don't deserve to have to put up with his crap a moment longer.

You've made a great start at articulating what is bothering you about this situation on here. I'm sure its not easy to contemplate, but it's been a brave thing to do. So I guess you have some difficult tasks ahead of you. In practical terms, you are so lucky you have your own place and are not financially emeshed. It may seem scarey to contemplate a fresh start without him - but anything will be better than the situation you are in at the moment. You sound like a kind caring and affectionate person, qualities he does not appreciate but many other people will.

What help and support can you get from people around you? What do your family think? Your friends? I am wondering what his mother/family thinks about the situation. She could be just as oppressed by this tyrant as you are.
Others have suggested getting some professional help to talk your way through this and form a plan would really help you decide what you want from your life and how to deal with moving forward from this abusive situation. You've faced the hardest part, which was making the first steps. Wishing you all the best

One of the most terrible threads I have read in a while. I struggled to believe the OP was real at first, especially all the "ha ha" comments. I found myself wishing it was an attempt at a joke as it is terrible just terrible, this is not love.

And then @Redrose23 and @Rania78 wading in as apologists for an abusive sex pest? FGS what is going on with people?

Please promise us one thing - that you aren't going to be naive enough to think that having a baby will make him grow up and act any differently. Men like this get worse, not better, once a woman is pregnant.

I struggled to believe the OP was real at first, especially all the "ha ha" comments

I had a thread once and people were saying that about me, but I was smiling because I appreciated everyone's comments. Also because these men are a bit of a joke in themselves really, with their ridiculous demands and obsession with sex (even though they're awful at the same time.)

This

He's using you for sex, if he wanted a relationship with you he'd have moved I , you'd be happily married with dc by now. Fuck him off, it'll never get better

He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me

For this alone, I would bin him off

Nothing makes me clam up tighter than this kind of demand. Nothing about me and my wants, all about servicing his male hood

Ugh.

So get to a therapist sharpish

There has to be a reason why you're so fixated on such a loser that you'll put up with all this abuse

I definitely have a lot of support from my mother, father, and 2 best girlfriends. My mum absolutely despises him, to be frank. For a long time I hid stuff from all of them though because I felt embarrassed and honestly, gaslit to think that I was the one that was in the wrong. Still, I feel so gaslit by him all the time that the people I should be trusting the most I think are just being a “yes man” to me and that he is the correct one. Stupid, i know. But that’s why I am here to get some last effort opinions.

He has a straannggeeee relationship with his mom. He is like ultra coddled by her and she says how she never wants him to move out and she basically thinks he is perfect and can do no wrong. I know he talks to her on surface level about things but I am sure it is “his version” which is that I’m a cold and heartless girlfriend. Even if He did tell her the full truth I’m sure she would find a way to tell him that he is right. When he didn’t have a job she just gave him money all the time to do stuff.

I definitely see now that I’ve just been gaslit to believe this is normal. I will definitely listen to my parents and girlfriends now. They all want me to leave him and go live near my dad in Stockholm (has been my dream since I was 14, bf, when we were 18, convinced me to stay in the current really shitty run down town I live in now in order to stay with him) and go back to school for my dreams and passions I’ve left behind for my bf. So I guess I will try to plan on doing that instead of continually waiting on him.

That sounds like an amazing plan!

What I wouldn't give to be young (30 is young!) free and single and off to start an adventure in Stockholm.

I did my first degree in my 30s and loved it. Studying is wasted on 18 year olds if you ask me ;)

After years of work, it felt like such a luxury and so enjoyable to be in a space with other people where the aim was learning, not making money.

Do it! The world is your oyster! Grab this chance and don't look back!

Run OP and don't look back. Stockholm is a great city. If nothing else go and visit your Dad for a couple of weeks to really wrap your head around how amazing your life could be!

Go for it op. Block him on all sm platforms and his number. Dont be tempted to go back as he will be all nice and kind to try to win you back.

You've got some strong supporters in your corner OP,why not have even a short break with your Dad and think about your future and plan what a happier Christmas and New Year would look like.

@WilyOdysseus

I think the Stockholm plan sounds brilliant!!! Get right away from him and start afresh in a whole new location. Who knows what marvels await you when you restart your dreams!

Don't wait. Dump him today and start making your dreams come true!!

That is a brilliant plan, OP. You have the world at your feet once you dump that loser!

Your mum seems to have seen right through him. Listen to her, dump the waste of space of a manchild + his wierd mother, & go to Stockholm to visit your Dad and plan what you want to do next.

He is disgusting. Nobody owes him sex.

Wow, op sounds like you have been through hell and back..I would have left from a long time ago.
Please don't waste your time in thinking it's OK for him to demand sex when he wants it. Bless your heart.

12 years and he still lives with his mammy? And he is a sex pest? Dump and run and have a lovely time in Stockholm.

You seemed too focused on your feelings and what you do to make a relationship work. But you are the only one trying and putting any effort in. You are begging for his love. Why wouldn't being affectionate, attentive, moving your life, and making the others life as easy as possible, work to gain love and respect in return? Well it doesn't, not when a giver has got together with a taker. He is a taker, he gets all he can from his mother and you and give nothing and changes nothing in return. In fact, he now expects others to do his bidding, and has a strop if they don't. Really his mum has created a monster.

It's high time you woke up and smelled the coffee. You won't get what you want from him. It's doubtful he'd move out of his mum's for the foreseeable. But even worse, if he did, the proposition would only be attractive to him if you would be his substitute mother. You'd be doing everything for him, just as he's used to from his mum. Add DC's to that and he will expect you to rear them yourself without assistance, just like his mum did.
With a better man, you could have an equal parter to share the load. This is what you should aim for.

Go and visit your Dad and get some space away from the partner. See what life is like without his coercive control and the freedom you would have.

I mean, just imagine the possibilities!!! You have so much open to you, your life is just beginning! What an exciting time!!

Please don't let this manbaby rule your future..