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Original poster

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

509 replies

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 18:05

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

OP posts:
tara66 · 20/11/2023 21:52

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PlaidCushionProductions · 20/11/2023 21:54

LTB and tell him it’s because you’re horny for sex with a man, not a sex pest mummy’s boy.

LatteLady · 20/11/2023 21:56

Next time he asks, hand him a sock and walk away, permanently.

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 21:56

Is he a traveller? (no offence to travellers of course

Travellers don't have a culture of sex before marriage.

And they get married young.

gnarlynarwhal · 20/11/2023 21:56

He’s acting like a self entitled cave man. Bin him.

grumpycow1 · 20/11/2023 21:57

Please dump the chump. He is an emotionally abusive, selfish, man child. Pestering you for sex is so cringe. You are still so young and can have a life without him. Don’t worry about the “wasted” years, at least you learned a valuable lesson about who not to be with.

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 21:58

gnarlynarwhal · 20/11/2023 21:56

He’s acting like a self entitled cave man. Bin him.

Except cave men hunted, gathered, worked - provided for their partners and their kids ... They didn't live in mammys cave, scratching their balls for 6 years, and then spend anything they eventually earned on toys.

And they wouldn't have been getting sex without commitment and providing.

Onesipmore · 20/11/2023 21:59

How the hell does he know how frequently women have sex in pregnancy, or when given birth etc. He seems to know a lot for a lazy shit that lives with his Mum! no work for 6 years. Sex pest.
Can you tell us what the good bits are as Im finding this a bit unbelievable now!

PineConeOrDogPoo · 20/11/2023 21:59

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 21:31

Correct. He refuses to live with me. At first when I tried to talk to him about it he just said “later” or “if I live with my mom I can save up a bunch of money and buy us a house”…. Well…. 6 of those years he refused to get a job, then when he got a job he spent the money on a new motorcycle, an (EXTRA) car, and tons of expensive stuff… now he is saying he wont move in because I dont have sex with him enough (more than twice a week)

Show quote history

You what? He refused to get a job for 6 years as well as all the other disrespectful toddler behaviour? Tell him to move along!

PineConeOrDogPoo · 20/11/2023 22:00

Or jog along as they say

Rosecutting · 20/11/2023 22:00

It sounds like he’s manipulating you to try get what he wants,OP.
He lives with his mum because he wants to not because you won’t have sex with him as and when.

I know you’ve invested a lot of your life to him so far but that is not a reason to carry on if he has shown you his true colours.

Once you became ill instead of supporting you and helping you recover he was only interested in meeting his own needs, at your expense both physically and emotionally.

Unfortunately this is who he is, not the seemingly lovely person you fell in love with.
Abusive characters will often let the mask fall once things no longer go the way they want.

I think that’s what’s happened here.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? He doesn’t want to live with you but is happy to have sex with you, even if you don’t want it?

What sort of person is happy for their partner to have sex against their will and to not enjoy it ??

Sorry OP, this man is in it for himself and doesn’t have your interests at heart.

I would dump and move on. Cut your losses and don’t waste any more of your time on him.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 20/11/2023 22:02

I’m not sure that living with his mum, wasting his salary on flashy boytoys, being sexually demanding/controlling and endowed with his uniquely sterling personality, behaviour and value system will ensure a queue of women lining up at his door, as you so fear, op.

EtiennePalmiere · 20/11/2023 22:07

Omg, dump him now. He did you a massive favour by not moving in with you, just get back anything of yours he has then say it's not working out and block him on all platforms.

HerRoyalHeinzness · 20/11/2023 22:07

Not one person here has had trouble understanding what you are saying. There is no magic re-arrangement of the words, no word substitutes or simplified way of saying things. The truth of the matter is that he knows fine well what you are saying. He just Does. Not. Care. what you think or how you feel as long as he gets what he wants.

Inthebleakmidwinter2 · 20/11/2023 22:08

I understand it's hard to leave after 12 years, especially as the relationship started when you were so young. But your thirties could be so much better than this, filled with romance and commitment from someone. Leave and see what else is out there.

BrimfulOfMash · 20/11/2023 22:11

Oh, OP.

It is bollocks that he has lived with his Mum throughout his 20s because you don’t have sex enough.

All the time he was (allegedly) not telling you this ‘real reason’, what excuse was he giving for his lack of commitment to living with you? Didn’t you want to establish a home with him? How can you talk if children when he lives like a man child with his Mum?

I understand you feeling you love him. But being in love doesn’t mean it is a healthy relationship. Or good for you.

He doesn’t love you.

There are so many ways in his treatment of you that show he does not love you.

OP, please, you deserve better. Get some professional help, counselling, to support you while you grow strong enough to go out and look for the life you deserve.

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 22:15

You're suffering from sunken costs fallacy.

Base your decisions around that avd you'll fuck up the rest of your life.

You have the chance to escape him and find someone better. If you don't, you'll be standing in a prison cell you have the key in your hand for.

Things will be much worse if you have kids with this cretin.

Hassled and coerced for sex like you're a fkg sex doll when you're pregnant, post birth, maybe breast feeding, sleep deprived, no/low sex drive, trying to do the best by your little one, maybe even one or depression. No, no, no.

And that's if he ever moves towards cohabiting or marriage or kids .... Maybe he'll keep on like he is and start running out your fertility.
You have time and fertility now, your still young. They'd be wasted on him.

Original poster
WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 22:15

Onesipmore · 20/11/2023 21:59

How the hell does he know how frequently women have sex in pregnancy, or when given birth etc. He seems to know a lot for a lazy shit that lives with his Mum! no work for 6 years. Sex pest.
Can you tell us what the good bits are as Im finding this a bit unbelievable now!

Yeah I’ve found that he tends to just make shit like that up when I am trying to have a healthy discussion with him and convey that I feel uncomfortable with this sort of sex quota he thinks we need to have all the time forever for the rest of our lives. Like “most couples have sex every day, you should be okay with having it every 3 days”.

Good bits. Uhm. I mean I really like spending time with him when we have literally just had sex and he is being funny and nice. It’s actually really hard now that people are asking. When he gets what he wants all the time he is really sweet and fairly attentive, but only when he is getting exactly what he wants. He has never really like asked me out on romantic dates, and if I pose we do something fun like take a dance class or something he says “no”. Also he says he is “always romantic” but I’ve just figured out recently that what he means by that is “always trying to have sex”. I guess he occasionally buys the groceries when I cook for the both of us (he doesn’t know how to cook) because he doesn’t have to pay rent or bills since he lives with his mom and now that he has a job finally he usually has more money than me since I pay bills.

I might be stuck on the idea of him i created when I was a teenager.

OP posts:
CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 22:15

He doesn’t love you.

I would say rather that some people are not capable of love, and he sounds like one of them.

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 22:17

So basically he comes over to yours for sex and to be fed, for free.

He's a user.

A sexually coercive user.

exexpat · 20/11/2023 22:19

Can't cook, demands sex all the time, dodged getting a job for years, lives with his mum at nearly 30, spends his money on boys' toys... Wow, what a prize.

Surely you can see you have outgrown this man child and could do far better?

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 22:20

most couples have sex every day, you should be okay with having it every 3 days”.

What survey is that based on?

And his pregnancy and post kids beliefs .... What survey are those based on?

From the inside of his (rather empty) little head.

BlueGrey1 · 20/11/2023 22:22

at your age I wouldn’t be putting ‘SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him’ as you put it, it’s quite silly to have done that, this man has made no significant commitment to you.

I don’t see this relationship lasting at all, he is selfish and clearly controlling, end it and find someone more considerate who you can build a life with, you are still young enough to do that.

CubaLibre23 · 20/11/2023 22:22

When he gets what he wants all the time he is really sweet and fairly attentive, but only when he is getting exactly what he wants.

This is not a good trait for a partner/husband/coparent. Not remotely a good trait.

And that's before all the other stuff

You are signing up for a life of misery if you settle with this guy ..... That's if he even settles. Sounds like he's been good at making excuses and stalling on that for years .. and might continue to be.

AdoraBell · 20/11/2023 22:23

This will get worse OP he gets angry if you don’t have sex as frequently and in future he will be angry if you have an opinion or speak. He has no respect for you. You deserve better than this.