Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

[WilyOdysseus]

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

Other men are rather irrelevant though because what you actually need is to be single and find your self love.

So you're worrying about being able to run before you can walk. You've not been single since you were a kid. Time to do that for a while and learn how to choose yourself and what you need from you.

Then when you do date again, you'll hopefully choose healthy relationships because you've learned to value you. And anyone who doesn't can just sod off because you're perfectly happy in your own company.

Also necessary to do a lot of reading on how to spot abuse. And consistently refresh that knowledge throughout life moving forwards. So that you can spot these arseholes early and run.

My husband and I didn't have sex before marriage. We were together for 4 years before we got married and somehow he managed. He is manipulating you.

Am I right that you don't even live together?

Where do you think this relationship is going after all this time?

You need to find a counsellor/therapist pretty soon. You need to see why you are attached to someone, who, to use a technical term, is a pig.

Even before I read your later posts, it was pretty clear you should dump him. Having read your later posts, I think in years to come, if you dump him now, you'll look back and be glad that he was too selfish and immature to move in with you, because it makes it much easier to get rid of him.

And even if you had wasted the last 10 years on him (I don't think that's a good way to look at it, though), that's no reason to waste more years on top of those 10. Leaving now could save you from any more years of being treated like this.

You deserve much, much better than someone like this. I hope you give yourself a chance to find them.

Just dump him and find someone else

I'm sorry that you had to deal with his selfish demands and disgusting behaviour whilst dealing with cancer. This isn't something you can fix with more sex or giving him more attention. What does he do for you? Sounds like he has no intention of growing up and moving in with you, why would he? He's got no responsibilities, lives at home and still has you trying to please him. If he wanted to, he'd move in, his reasons are crap.

The only good thing about this relationship is that he doesn't live with you, which means it'll be a whole lot easier to end things! It's not going well OP, red flags!!

Don't waste a second more on him, he's horrible.

I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him

You have been with him for 10 years. That's a long time, but not as long as the time you have left. Do not make the mistake of staying with him and putting up with this shit, because that really will be wasting your life.

You are young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. Be thankful you don't live with this arsehole. Get rid of him ASAP, do not waste a second more of your time on him.

You’ve wasted 12 years of your life on a fantasy about an immature dickwad who lives with his mum. Don’t waste any more of it.

This is sooooo unhealthy. Urgh. Your feelings are completely valid. This is not a good guy, and the manipulation of using commitment as a bargaining chip for intimacy is yuck. Sunk cost fallacy here. Better to write off the time together than try and save a completely toxic relationship. Breaking up may feel impossible to imagine, but on the other side I think you will feel free. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The next best time is today! You (anyone, honestly) deserves way better than this. Also, you're only 28. It's a great time to be single, still young, fun to be had, new futures to be imagined and built! Get excited about what else could be out there! I promise there are plenty of men in the world who treat women like actual valuable people. Don't settle for this. Sending <3

Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies….. I was shocked…. That cant be true. Maybe it is, I’ve never heard anything of the sort and didn’t know how to respond

Which survey is this based on?

He's FULL OF SHIT.

Well… he told me most people still have really regular sex 3 times a week even when the woman is pregnant, has just had the children, and they are raising them as babies…..

And because he said it, it therefore must be true?! Wake up op

He expects you to be a sex doll but he can't even move out of his mammy's house within a devade in spite of you wanting to move in together (which would be very normal after a few years)??

I wouldn't be letting his dick within a mile of me.

He needs to get himself a flesh light and leave real women alone .... That's what his expectations and behaviour is suited to, not a real person.

He sounds like an absolute child.

He doesn't have a clue about anything.

Not a normal sex life.

Not a normal relationship.

He's also sexually coercive and a sex pest.

The only good thing about you dating him from so young is that you're still young. Time to get rid and find a decent man for a life partner. This one will give you a shit life. He's not right on the head.

Correct. He refuses to live with me. At first when I tried to talk to him about it he just said “later” or “if I live with my mom I can save up a bunch of money and buy us a house”…. Well…. 6 of those years he refused to get a job, then when he got a job he spent the money on a new motorcycle, an (EXTRA) car, and tons of expensive stuff… now he is saying he wont move in because I dont have sex with him enough (more than twice a week)

Bonkers

his problem started when I had ovarian cancer and my libido dropped both during illness and once I was in remission because of depression and medication.

This actually paints him in an even worse light. It is all about him, what he gets and what you give him. What does he actually bring to the relationship? All he seems to want is sex. He does not respect you, maybe does not even like you that much. All he seems to want you for is sex. It does not feel that this is a reciprocal relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

I suspect you are scared of being without him, so invested in this relationship you cannot see the obvious.

As for him being with other people...

So I was with my first partner (if we can call it that) in some capacity or other for about 6 years.

During that he would narcissisticly triangulate (try to play me off against) me with his ex and a new girl who was a 'friend' at various points. It hurt but then one day something just clicked where i realised...he was never happy...nothing I could do made him happy. And nothing they could do either. None if us were 'enough'. Because HE wasn't enough. There was something fundamentally lacking in him.

Not at one point did I ever truly feel secure or appreciated in that 'relationship'.

When I left him, he started properly seeing the new girl which actually...didn't even bother me anymore. I just felt sad that the person I had loved...wasn't real. It had clicked for me.

In time he stared seeing an American women and married her. I casually caught up with him a few tears back...and discovered that to this day he still plays off her - against the girl he dated after me.

So you know, validation.

I feel so sad for them both.
Because they don't seem to have realised...that he just isn't real. The truth is...he is a shit friend, a shit lover, a shit partner and a shit person. The person they loved is who they want him to be, not who he is.

I can't promise that it won't hurt the first time you see him with someone new. Or the second tike even. But I can promise you that men who are decent human beings, capable of warm, caring relationships, don't treat partners has he has you. And that sooner or later, the next partner will receive very similar treatment. Contempt, gaslighting and devaluation.

And one day you'll wake up and find that you're not hurt by it. You're just sad for her. And fucking relieved you no longer have to wake up every day not knowing how some adshole is going to disappoint you this time yet again.

And knowing that you are enough.

6 of those years he refused to get a job

He was unemployed for 6 years??!!

You want to stay in a serious relationship with this guy, move in together, marry, have a family - why??

Seriously, that makes him a terrible prospect for a partner and father; without even getting on to his sexual behaviour.

He’s abusive. Dump him. Yesterday.

You know you deserve better, right?

if I live with my mom I can save up a bunch of money and buy us a house”…. Well…. 6 of those years he refused to get a job, then when he got a job he spent the money on a new motorcycle, an (EXTRA) car, and tons of expensive stuff… now he is saying he wont move in because I dont have sex with him enough (more than twice a week)

Excuses excuses.

He was going to save for a home ... But didn't save for 6 years. Then when he got money, he blew it on anything but a house deposit. Now he's using sex as the excuse.

He doesn't want to move in together. He highly likely doesn't want to get married. Whether that's with you or with anyone, who knows. But he doesn't want to, he's just full of excuses and stalling.

He's low quality and sexually coercive and immature and utterly unreasonable and unrealistic anyway. He sounds like terrible partner material.
It's a fantastic thing that he hasn't moved in with someone and brought kids in to the world. He's not cut out for it.

He just wants regular sex on his terms, like from a prostitute - but free.

This dude has never lived outside of home/away from his mammy. Hes unemployed for six years at a time, presumably living off mammy and benefits, he's blows his money, when he finally gets some, on boy toys. He has no kids.

But he's an expert on long-term relationships and marriages and sex within them ... And pregnancy sex and post kids sex.

How exactly?

Lemme tell you a couple of facts. You're not advised to have sex for at least 6 weeks after a perfect birth. Most births aren't perfect. Lots of women have birth injuries. Not comfortable having sex for months or longer. Many women have a lack of sex drive during pregnancy. Many women have a serious lack of sex drive after birth/when babies are young.

The hormones at that stage are often a out baby bonding and baby feeding - couply hormones take a back seat.

People with babies and young kids are often utterly exhausted and distracted and co sleeping and dealing with non sleeping, colicky, teething, virusy, clingy kids who want to be in your bed all the time etc etc etc.

He doesn't have a fucking clue. He doesn't live in the real world.

He sounds like an incel or red piller or just an idiot.

A sexually coercive, pest idiot.

The saddest thing about this is that you have such low self worth.

A mismatched libido is something that's quite hard to overcome in a relationship.

Overcoming someone who puts their feelings across as he has, well its enough to make a woman's vagina close shut.

I don't think you should, or can overcome these issues.