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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

509 replies

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 18:05

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

OP posts:
BobVanceRefrigeration · 20/11/2023 20:50

You made me think of the sunk cost fallacy when you spoke about feeling that you would be throwing away the last 10 years of effort - (I lifted this definition from google!) - The sunk cost fallacy is associated with commitment bias, where we continue to support our past decisions despite new evidence suggesting that it isn't the best course of action. We fail to consider that whatever time, effort, or money we have already expended will not be recovered.

LambriniBobinIsleworth · 20/11/2023 20:51

What an abusive wanker. And wanker is all he would be around me with that attitude; nagging for sex is the ultimate mood killer. Does he seriously think that you'll have sex every 3-5 days always? Even when you're pregnant? Or have small kids? or you're mourning a loved one? Or worried about work because you're in danger of redundancy? Or - God forbid- have a serious illness? Do any of these get you a pass, or does he expect sex no matter what? Does he have a list of acceptable and unacceptable reasons to decline?

He's manipulative, he's a sex pest and he doesn't give a fuck about your feelings.

Dump him and move on, there's no chance of an adult relationship with this man... You started going out when you were 16, but clearly he's retained the attitude of a horny 16yr old while you've grown ion

CeeChynaa · 20/11/2023 20:51

He’s absolutely mad. You need to leave him asap

Canisaysomething · 20/11/2023 20:52

Bin, now. Your posts make for shocking reading but because you’ve been with him so long you have no idea what a decent man is like.

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 20:52

Ps: when you leave him, be prepared for him to suddenly start promising you everything you had wanted before.

Just remember it's not real. He's only saying it to keep you as his complacent little lap dog.

The second he thinks you are under the thumb again it'll be back to dicking you about.

And even if he did move in...do you really want to live with someone who is only there to shut you up, not because they want to live with you.

It's a step.aeay from whats known as getting 'a shut up ring' too.

sixteenfurryfeet · 20/11/2023 20:52

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:20

Thank you for all the posts! I appreciate it. I didn’t expect this much traffic. I still am not sure exactly what I am going to do as I am still stuck in a loop of being super (even though ridiculous) in love with him. However, I do understand now that I probably dont want to have children with someone like this. It is the only relationship I’ve ever been in and I have a lot of feelings of not thinking that anyone will ever love me, and that if they do it will just be the same thing, and even then I’m going to be too old to start a family by then… but I guess I wouldn’t want a family with someone who coerces me regardless…. Thank you guys! You’ve set my confused head a little more straight.

You say you are super in love with him. Okay. Ask yourself why.

Get a large piece of paper, put it sideways and divide it into columns.
In the first one, write a list of all the things you love about him, and all the ways you show that love.
Then write a list of all the ways he shows his love for you and the nice things about him that make him a good boyfriend.
Then write a list of all the nasty stuff he says and does, and all the things you don't love about him.

Then imagine yourself reading that last list out loud to a close friend and how they would react.

hardrada · 20/11/2023 20:54

It is the only relationship I’ve ever been in

Yes, your lack of experience shows. Just because he was your first big relationship doesn't mean he's still the right one for you or that you can't find someone new. He sounds awful, unloving and manipulative. Get some therapy to help you move on. You still have a lot of time to find the right person.

Dillane · 20/11/2023 20:55

MonkeyPuddle · 20/11/2023 18:08

Just leave the arsehole.
You don’t have to have sex with anyone when you don’t want to and you don’t deserve anger when you say no.

This

You deserve so much better OP

HamsterBanana · 20/11/2023 20:55

Your lack of experience shows massively.

You really need to leave him & live a little. I wouldn't waste a second longer on this loser.

SingingSands · 20/11/2023 20:56

FFS what is wrong with young men? This is the second post I've read about this today.

You don't exist to scratch his itch.

Original poster
WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:58

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 20:33

It is the only relationship I’ve ever been in and I have a lot of feelings of not thinking that anyone will ever love me, and that if they do it will just be the same thing, and even then I’m going to be too old to start a family by then

@WilyOdysseus

This is not love, it's called a trauma bond. You're sticking with him despite recognising that he abuses you, because you are scared you are not worth better (you are), or will not be able to find better (you will be able to after therapy), or will not be able to look after yourself well (you can learn), or will not be able to fulfil an important dream of having kids (instead, you may end up having kids with someone who abuses them like he does you).

You are young, you can overcome all these scary feelings and learn to trust yourself but you have to end this abusive relationship first and give yourself the space to grow.

What are the practicalities involved with leaving him? You have your own home, so clearly you can afford to live on your own. Are you tied to him financially in any way? Are you afraid he would harm you if you broke it off?

Not financially tied, not worried about him being physical or anything. Just scared of the immense emotional pain of seeing him with other people, and scared of me learning how to be with someone else. He was my “first” everything and I do love him, but I’m just at a point of helplessness right now. I know it sounds juvenile, and it is, but that’s really my only hang up. Along with I’ve been dreaming that I would be having a family with him for the past 10 years. Doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore though haha

OP posts:
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 20/11/2023 20:59

He comes across as an entitled, sulky, immature man who seems to have a scant grasp of the idea that sex is more than a one-sided box ticking activity. What about your mood? Are you just a vessel to have sex with when he clicks his fingers? Tell him to fuck off. Pathetic man!

Surely2023IsTheYearForMyRainbowBabyYeahRight · 20/11/2023 21:00

Tell him to fuck off!!

Merryoldgoat · 20/11/2023 21:01

Why do you love him? What does he do to show you he loves you? All of your posts are about your actions. Nothing you say suggests he’s in any way worthy of your love or shows you he loves you back.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/11/2023 21:01

He demands sex. I'm certain there's a word for that!!!!!

Has he never heard of having a "Natwest Bank"

Merryoldgoat · 20/11/2023 21:02

And why you’re adding laughs at the end of frankly the least funny posts I’ve read in a while is beyond me.

SwordToFlamethrower · 20/11/2023 21:02

I couldn't read it all, jeezus christ, why are you with this loser???

You shouldn't have to be begging him for anything. He shouldn't be demanding sex from you to prevent him from being "angry"

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 20/11/2023 21:03

I think you’re in love with a version of him you have constructed for yourself and put considerable emotional investment in.

The real version of him is an entitled, selfish, manipulative little shit, OP

2jacqi · 20/11/2023 21:04

@WilyOdysseus This problem started when I had ovarian cancer and my libido dropped both during illness and once I was in remission because of depression and medication. Is he for real???? the uncaring little selfish shit!! you need to get rid of that bastard and also let his mother know exactly what he is like!! she will be ashamed to have a son like that!! you are too good for him!!

Internationalpony · 20/11/2023 21:05

This makes me so sad to read. OP, this is abuse. It really doesn’t matter what the frequency of sex is, but once a week is regular in such a long relationship! Ultimately though, anyone who pressures you into sex like this and can enjoy sex with you knowing that you’re not 100% enthusiastic does not care about you and has a warped attitude to sex. He doesn’t “need” to have sex. He can wank like everyone else and he’ll be doing a lot more of that when you leave. Over a lifetime together it’s totally normal to go through ebbs and flows in you sex life (as with any aspect of your relationship) and the last thing you need when your libido drops because you’re going through a difficult life event is a sex pest who only cares about one thing. You need a partner who loves and supports and respects you.

His problems with sex (and he does have a problem with sex) is not your fault - he’s gaslighting you. He needs to take responsibility for his sexual problems and go to sex therapy where MAYBE he can learn a healthier attitude to sex. Even if does, you still need to leave him for someone who actually cares about your needs and your feelings and your happiness. Someone who wants to have sex with you because they want to bring you pleasure, not to use you to fulfil their own selfish desires regardless of the impact on you.

Rania78 · 20/11/2023 21:05

Hey OP, that’s serious. You didn’t mention this in your first post and replied before reading this.
i think it is quite clear you should move on. Ovarian cancer and behaving like this? No….

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 20/11/2023 21:08

Get out while you can.

Seeingadistance · 20/11/2023 21:08

I was at “dump him!” by half way through the first paragraph of the opening post!

Dump him, OP, and spend some time on your own as an adult before you get involved with anyone else.

BackOfTheMum5net · 20/11/2023 21:09

You’re maybe a third of the way through your life. Don’t waste any more time on this abusive loser. You deserve more.

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 21:09

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:58

Not financially tied, not worried about him being physical or anything. Just scared of the immense emotional pain of seeing him with other people, and scared of me learning how to be with someone else. He was my “first” everything and I do love him, but I’m just at a point of helplessness right now. I know it sounds juvenile, and it is, but that’s really my only hang up. Along with I’ve been dreaming that I would be having a family with him for the past 10 years. Doesn’t seem like a good idea anymore though haha

Show quote history

It's a good step forward that you recognise that what's really going on is you are avoiding the (intense) emotional pain of accepting that you've spent years with someone who does not genuinely value you (and this is in no way your fault - it's about his inability to value others, not any lack of inherent value in you), and the scary thought of seeing him with someone else and feeling that he actually treat her differently and better (I can guarantee you that he won't).

Therapy will help you work through those feelings of letting go of the dreams associated with losing your first and what you hoped would be your only relationship. Many people - most people - have to go through that at some point, often around your age.

Thinking that you can work out the right words to say and then everything will be all right is really just a way of putting off that pain. I'm really sorry, but when someone loves and cares for you, they will not have to be told something 25 different ways before they 'understand'. They will either get it right away, or they will ask questions calmly and kindly and work with you to try to find a solution that works for both of you. That's how all healthy relationships work. You need to sadly recognise how far from that normal model your own relationship is, and let it go for the sake of your own emotional and mental wellbeing.