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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend demands we have sex every 3 days

509 replies

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 18:05

This is a long, on-going, in-depth one but I will start with the most important information; My boyfriend and I have been together 12 whole years (we started dating when we were 16). The past year or so we have had huge problems in regards to how much he wants to have sex. He says he “needs” to have sex at least every 3 days (or twice a week) in order for him to not be angry or resentful of me. The pressure and quota he has put on this has made me want to have sex way less, as he is usually pestering me, angry with me, or being passive aggressive with me if we have gone longer than 3-5 days. Still, we usually have sex at least once a week.

We have ALWAYS had sex once a week, sometimes two, and occasionally 3 times a week. This has been the norm for our whole entire relationship. I would say the average is every 5-7 days for us. The lowest is once every 10 days because of illness or if I am on my period or whatever. At first he would just sulk when I said no, then he would become angry or ignore me. Several times he would ruin whole entire dates or days we had alone together if his early suggestion of sex was not met with me emphatically saying “YES!” At the early suggestion.

Another fact, he doesn’t live with me by his own choice. He lives with his mom (we are 29 now) I have begged him for years to move in with me, or make some sort of commitment to our relationship for over a decade now and he has never made any attempt at moving out of his moms house. So now, after a year of this ongoing conversation of him being pissy when we dont have sex every 3 days, he has started to say to me things such as “The reason I never moved in with you is because we aren’t having sex as much as I want to, i just never told you that was the reason, or that that was never enough for me” then implies he wont forward our relationship if he cant be sure we will have sex as much as he wants to. He is absolutely sure that he cant function normally if we only have sex every 5-7 days and always mentions that “a lot of people have sex every other day, why is it such a big deal to you to just have sex with me every 3 days” He also says that he cant live with me if he doesn’t have sex often because being around me just makes him tooooo damn horny, and that he would rather never have sex with me than have sex with me once a week because that one times “makes my body think i will get it everyday”…. Ehh….. idk its even more confusing than that but I will at least start with that.

Im having a hard time conveying to him that his actions are hurting me and make me feel like a sex doll. Even more, make me not want to be around him because I know I will be constantly pestered or guilt tripped. I have put SO much of my life on the line to be in a relationship with him, but I have no idea how to get him to see how hurtful he is being. I also dont know if its normal for me to just have sex with him when i dont want to just in the hopes that he will want to move in and actually be in a real functioning relationship with me. Or he is just a loss and I should try to move on from the 10 years of effort I’ve put into him.

OP posts:
notmorezoom · 20/11/2023 20:30

Be thankful that you don't have kids or own a property together and run away, fast.

Pooooochi · 20/11/2023 20:30

Ffs why are you with him? He sounds awful. You can do better. Anyone can do better than him.

Megifer · 20/11/2023 20:30

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 20:06

You're all being way too harsh. OP its clear you want to resolve it and that will take a real heart to heart with your partner and a discussion perhaps on what sex means to both of you, maybe some ways you can both find to move forward either together or alone. Seriously don’t take advice from bitter women on here. One said “my vag is closing up” pretty much sums up majority of posters on here no doubt. When did sex become a dirty thing to be ashamed of, and why should her other half be made to feel like a naughty little boy and a loser for expressing his desire for more intimacy? OP I know you’ve said you love him in lots of ways, but for me personally, if my boyfriend loved me on all those ways and stopped short of sex I’d feel so unfeminine, whether that’s fair or unfair we can’t help how we feel and if sex is a really important part of our closeness with the person we love! Please ignore the closed vag’s on here. God I’d hate a partner like them. You may just not be compatible. I fully understand you have been very ill. How was he through that? Was he loving and understanding?

Edited

Oh come on now you're really trying way too hard 🎣

jannier · 20/11/2023 20:32

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 20:06

You're all being way too harsh. OP its clear you want to resolve it and that will take a real heart to heart with your partner and a discussion perhaps on what sex means to both of you, maybe some ways you can both find to move forward either together or alone. Seriously don’t take advice from bitter women on here. One said “my vag is closing up” pretty much sums up majority of posters on here no doubt. When did sex become a dirty thing to be ashamed of, and why should her other half be made to feel like a naughty little boy and a loser for expressing his desire for more intimacy? OP I know you’ve said you love him in lots of ways, but for me personally, if my boyfriend loved me on all those ways and stopped short of sex I’d feel so unfeminine, whether that’s fair or unfair we can’t help how we feel and if sex is a really important part of our closeness with the person we love! Please ignore the closed vag’s on here. God I’d hate a partner like them. You may just not be compatible. I fully understand you have been very ill. How was he through that? Was he loving and understanding?

Edited

Demands and threats are not expressing a desire for more sex it's coercion most women don't want to be forced into sex.

Nomum1980 · 20/11/2023 20:32

Massive lack of respect for you, clearly only interested in himself and his “needs” you don’t need someone like that in your life.

WickerBaskitt · 20/11/2023 20:32

It’s so hard leaving someone you’ve been with since you were a teenager, and maybe even harder if they’ve worn away your sense of self with this kind of behaviour. It feels like ripping out a part of yourself. But I promise it’s worth it! I left my arsehole teenage boyfriend in my 20s and it was so difficult for months not to get back in touch but when i saw him start fucking around other girls in the same way it suddenly became a lot easier to see it clearer. When I heard he was getting married years later I just felt sorry for whoever was on the receiving end. You will be happier if you get out now, while you do still have a lifetime (and fertility) ahead of you. Just grit your teeth and gather your girlfriends and power through. And get some therapy/do the freedom programme/date slowly and carefully, and you’ll have a great foundation to choose and build a relationship with someone who will cherish and love you and respect you as a human being.

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 20:33

It is the only relationship I’ve ever been in and I have a lot of feelings of not thinking that anyone will ever love me, and that if they do it will just be the same thing, and even then I’m going to be too old to start a family by then

@WilyOdysseus

This is not love, it's called a trauma bond. You're sticking with him despite recognising that he abuses you, because you are scared you are not worth better (you are), or will not be able to find better (you will be able to after therapy), or will not be able to look after yourself well (you can learn), or will not be able to fulfil an important dream of having kids (instead, you may end up having kids with someone who abuses them like he does you).

You are young, you can overcome all these scary feelings and learn to trust yourself but you have to end this abusive relationship first and give yourself the space to grow.

What are the practicalities involved with leaving him? You have your own home, so clearly you can afford to live on your own. Are you tied to him financially in any way? Are you afraid he would harm you if you broke it off?

HarpieDuJour · 20/11/2023 20:34

This is not a good man. Better men are available, but first you need to get rid of this one, spend some time enjoying single life, and only then consider another relationship.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/11/2023 20:35

Why on earth are you with him? What a loser (him, not you). He sounds utterly insufferable. Do yourself a favour and cut him loose and see yourself fly!

steppemum · 20/11/2023 20:35

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 19:46

No, I’m very much a woman, thank you. Everyone is different with different needs and different ways of feeling loved. It’s really sad to be with someone that it is a chore to have sex with, it’s a valid point. There are plenty of women with high sex drives not just men! I understand the guy in this situation, because I’m one of them, and sex is a part of my love language, offering a different perspective,

I really see Mumsnet as quite pointless lately. The censorship when nothing nasty has been said, but just an offering of another perspective, is so “liberal” it makes me want to puke. If Mumsnet wants to go downhill offering one sided opinions and deleted the ones they don’t agree with, they are nothing but a censorship forum of people parroting the same opinions.

I pointed out a few realities. The guy is expressing himself, maybe clumsily, but in a raw way. They are NOT compatible, and this will likely cause big issues in the future.

I guess you missed the part where OP had cancer and was feeling low and ill and he was pestering her for sex?
And then blamed her for that as a reason not to move in with her?

There have been dozens of threads over the years about sexual incompatability. People are usually sympathetic to both sides and help the OP walk through what they want or need compared with the rest of the relationship. The incompatability may be the result of high or low sex drive and it comes from both men and women. It is never met with the response of this thread.

This is really not an issue of incompatability. Or a case of clumsy communication. This is a selfish person making demands on the other in an abusive way.

If you cannot see the difference then I despair.

DeadbeatYoda · 20/11/2023 20:35

You have a really skewed idea of what a good relationship is. It's because you haven't had any other adult relationships. There are much better men out there, there really are. Don't put up with this man-baby, get yourself a grown up.

jannier · 20/11/2023 20:35

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 20:21

I’m glad to hear that most of your friends who’ve had cancer their partners have stepped up. Sadly, statistically a large number of men in particular are more likely to leave their partners when they suffer a serious illness. I think (know) its a question everyone should ask themselves before they take someone else’s investment in them “Am I in this through everthing, even the very worst that could happen. Could I really care for this person in sickness and in health and put my own needs completely to one side” if the answer is no, they should not be with that person.

Edited

I honestly don't know one couple who have split through cancer I met 10 good friends through treatment and now know at least 6 others since they are all together.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 20/11/2023 20:36

I reckon he’ll still be living with his mum in 20 years from now.

Rania78 · 20/11/2023 20:38

Redrose23 · 20/11/2023 18:18

I just think you aren’t compatible. Sex is clearly really important to him in a relationship, and not as much to you. Often it can be something that two partners simply cannot resolve as mismatched libidos can cause frustration, feelings of insecurity, etc. personally I wouldn’t want to be with a partner that struggled to have sex every three days, and I’d want it more than that, daily more than likely. Just not compatible and unlikely to change as you are still young, and libido tends to fall even more for women as you hit menopause. People on here are being a little unfair to him, as this is a compatibility issue and some people can indeed be hurt/ upset/ frustrated when they don’t have the intimacy from their partner that they are craving, you’d both be better suited to someone who’s libido matches your own

I think this is the best answer in here. I fully understand the OP, but I can’t blame the guy as well. He is 28 years old and testosterone is raging. If the OP only wants it once a week now, what is going to happen mid 30s if they have kids?
OP release him and find someone you are more compatible with. You will both be happier.
I am talking as someone who has incompatible libidos with their partner and feels tortured and frustrated.

Lighttodark · 20/11/2023 20:38

Goodness me, red flags galore. Stop trying to change him, he’s a manipulative abusive arsehole. Run away, as fast as you can.

Jl2014 · 20/11/2023 20:42

Wrong on so many levels and actually really creepy. Dump and move on. He won’t change and will use it forever as an excuse for shitty behaviour. Don’t fall for it.

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 20:43

Just trying to see if there is something I can salvage or a way I can explain it better to him to make him understand.

@WilyOdysseus

OMG there's not, there's just not. It's honestly painful to see you clinging onto this absolute wreck of a relationship through the false hope that a man who has repeatedly repeatedly shown you exactly who he is and what he thinks.

It's not a problem with you or the way you're communicating. It's him! And he doesn't want to change! It's clear to everyone except you that he thinks the only problem is that you don't give him sex on tap and when you don't, he feels entitled to treat you like trash.

The only way forward from here is for you to accept what a) you already know deep down and b) what everyone else here can see perfectly clearly, stop expecting him to change and decide to change your own life to give yourself the chance to find a partner who genuinely cares about you. Because this guy absolutely does not, even if he claims to.

Ignore his words, look at his actions.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/11/2023 20:45

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:20

Thank you for all the posts! I appreciate it. I didn’t expect this much traffic. I still am not sure exactly what I am going to do as I am still stuck in a loop of being super (even though ridiculous) in love with him. However, I do understand now that I probably dont want to have children with someone like this. It is the only relationship I’ve ever been in and I have a lot of feelings of not thinking that anyone will ever love me, and that if they do it will just be the same thing, and even then I’m going to be too old to start a family by then… but I guess I wouldn’t want a family with someone who coerces me regardless…. Thank you guys! You’ve set my confused head a little more straight.

If no one has mentioned it yet, you need to read up on 'sunk costs fallacy'. I think it really applies to you and why you're putting up with this.

Just because you've been with him for ages doesn't mean you should stay with him. Having a past with someone doesn't automatically equal a good future when the relationship is making you unhappy. As my old dad used to say "That's just throwing good money after bad".

Honestly, you need to leave. He's treating you like a convenient hole to 'relieve' himself in rather that a woman/partner to be tenderly loved and cherished.

And that bullshit about a man having 'needs' and that not enough sex makes a man 'angry' or 'resentful' is a line that was probably used on Eve by Adam. I certainly heard it in the early '70s and my mum warned me that she'd heard it in the '40s. It's bullshit. Yes, men and women have sexual desires and basic 'needs' but they don't turn into 'Mr/Ms Hyde' when those needs aren't met. Don't let him make you feel responsible for his anger or mistreatment of you.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851

The Sunk Cost Fallacy: How It Affects Your Decisions

Sunk cost fallacy is a cognitive bias that can lead to irrational decision-making. Learn more about sunk cost fallacy and how it can show up in your life.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-sunk-cost-fallacy-7106851

Onesipmore · 20/11/2023 20:45

Wonder what his Mum thinks

Pinkbonbon · 20/11/2023 20:45

The biggest indicator imo of being in an abusive relationship imo is finding yourself constantly explaining to them why their fucking obviously hurtful behaviour is hurtful.

Thinking 'if only I could find the right words to make him understand'.

It's us that actually need to understand in that situation - HE.GETS.IT. he does understand! He just wants you to think he doesn't. So that he gets you stuck on a merry go round of thinking 'of only I could just find the right words'.

If you ever, ever find yourself saying this to yourself - you are in an abusive relationship and its time to leave.

He gets it. He just doesn't care. Time for you to understand.

And ps: no matter how much time and effort you put into wrapping up a shit in a box...no matter how many sparkles and bowes and cute little cards you stick onto it...it's still a box of shit.

Cut your losses run. Your life is about to begin.

CheekyHobson · 20/11/2023 20:46

I am talking as someone who has incompatible libidos with their partner and feels tortured and frustrated.

@Rania78

Well I hope you are taking your own advice and freeing your partner to find someone with a more compatible sex drive, rather than using anger, aggression, lies and manipulation to get your partner to do what you want, like the OP's partner is.

billybear · 20/11/2023 20:47

be glad you can dump him and move on you dont have to throw him out of your propeerty PLEASE FINISH WITH HIM YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS,

PinotPony · 20/11/2023 20:47

It's really sad that you don't know any different. You think that you're in a normal relationship, that you can somehow get him to understand your point of view.

Please please listen to the wealth of experience on here. We are all telling you that there are much better men out there. Caring, loving, considerate men who would prioritise your needs.

Much as you love him, you have to walk away. It's only going to get worse.

yetanotherdaytoday · 20/11/2023 20:48

WilyOdysseus · 20/11/2023 20:23

I can assure you I am not. I am an almost 30 year old very confused woman who has been with one man her whole entire life haha. I have explained to him that the way he acts makes me feel like a sex doll and not very respected and it never goes very well. He gets offended and angry when I tell him that that’s how he makes me feel. I also tell him I think his anger and manipulative behaviors towards me are unacceptable and he just tells me he “cant help it when (he) gets horny” Just trying to see if there is something I can salvage or a way I can explain it better to him to make him understand.

Show quote history

Just trying to see if there is something I can salvage or a way I can explain it better to him to make him understand

No. There is absolutely nothing you can say. There is no magic combination of words that will make him understand.

He's a dick. He understands very well that you don't want to have sex, and that his actions are hurting you. He doesn't care.

You need to find your backbone and stop letting this excuse for a man treat you like shit. You deserve much better and you are NEVER going to find it with him.

Please, stop wasting your life with this arsehole.

Snugglemonkey · 20/11/2023 20:49

You are his sex doll, that is why you feel like one. He us reducing you to this and it is making you unhappy. He is an immature wanker. Find a partner, not a user. You are worth so much more!