Husband swearing at me

[Ellen2]

one minute I think I’m happy and then realise that maybe I’m delusional. I don’t know who to talk to right now with it being Sunday night. So I came here to share my thoughts. I just feel so hurt, and disrespected. The way in which dh treats me can be just so awful and somehow he makes it out that I’m the one to apologise or in the wrong.

We have to boys 3and 5. The 3 year old has been waking for the last few weeks early 4-5am, so that’s been taking a toll on us. However DH lost his job recently so is able to take naps in the day.

Every weekend there ends up being an altercation where he will shout at me or swear at me.

This weekend - went went to a family wedding yesterday - his family. So a tiring day- outfits ready for us in the morning , boys had a hair cut in the morning, got my hair blowdried , getting out of the house etc, so when we got home we were shattered, esp as we’d been up since 5am! Next day he takes the boys to an activity and then on their return we were driving to my friends house. I rang and sent a text to him to not rush back as I wasn’t ready/ had to shower , wrap presents( we were going to a kids party in the pm) , tidy up after breakfast. He comes home - pissed off bc the kitchen hasn’t been completely tidy. Shouts at me - GET IN THE CAR x 3.

Came down - I asked ‘ who are you shouting at!?’

he says - ‘ you !’
then he says ‘ you can’t even be bothered to clean the surfaces , what have you been doing!!! ‘
I said don’t shout at me - to which he replies -‘ f* you’ so I said the same back to him. To which he says - ‘ don’t shout at me?’

then he was screaming at the top of his voice, really Aggressively- slams the living room door - and hit hits the back of my hand really hard. I’ve got a swelling and lump over my knuckle.

He literally didn’t care that he hurt me.

How can I come back from this. He’s been ignoring me for the rest of the day. We went together to my friends but I couldn’t look at him.

He assaulted you.
And he isn't sorry about it.

There's no excuse for aggression. But assault? I'd report him to the police for that. He's dangerous. He should be locked up.

Get.out.of.there.

He assaulted you no coming back from that, he's mentally and physically abusive please leave and contact woman's aid if you need support

You are describing domestic abuse and you do not come back from this.

I would plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. This is not going to get any better for you or for that matter your DC who could also go onto start copying their dad's words towards you. Do you want them to believe that their dad's treatment of you (and in turn them) is at all acceptable?. Sound travels and if your kids were at home they were likely terrified. Men like your H hate women, ALL of them.

I would think some of your friends knew something was amiss with you because of your demeanor. Please speak out to a trusted person or friend about what is happening to you because abuse like this thrives on secrecy. At the very least do contact Womens Aid and talk to them or a local to you domestic violence support charity.

I would get your hand looked at by the GP and get this injury documented.

Losing a job is stressful
Bringing up kids is stressful.
Is there a reason why you weren’t ready after H had taken kids out?
Husband has behaved badly
He should not be abusive and apologise

It sounds likes you both need to communicate better. Easier said than done

But if this isn’t addressed it doesn’t bode well for your marriage

He's aggressive and he's hurt you. There's nothing to talk through - see the back of him.

Ps, if you don't feel able to report it to the police, at least go to the gp and get it on record there that he slammed your finger and it needs checked out.

That way, you have that to back you up if needed at a later date. Eg: if you need a no contact order.

Tell your friends and family ASAP too. So that he can't try to use them against you.

You posted about his treatment of you in 2022. Nothing has changed since then. You are being abused by him and your poor boys are growing up seeing this and thinking it's normal. You need, for all your sakes, to initiate steps to leave him. You wouldn't eat a sandwich that had a smidgen of shit in it, nor should you tolerate this behaviour just because there are good times. He sounds vile.

Ummmm...better communication isn't going to resolve the issue of an abusive husband. Abusers rarely change. It doesn't matter that the OP wasn't ready or that things have been stressful. This isn't OP's fault. He chose to react in an abusive way.

I'm so sorry this happened OP. Please contact domestic abuse organisations for advice and support.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence. He wants absolute control over the OP and her children.

There is no justification or excuse for his abusive behaviour and she did not cause him to act that way. He would not dream to act like this in front of people like for instance his work colleagues. Many people have stressful lives and choose not to hit or otherwise abuse their spouse or husband.

I think I mis wrote - the door that he slammed - hit the back of my hand because I was standing in the door way between the living room and the hallway.

he was gone from 9-10.45, but I sent him a text saying don’t rush back bc I’m not quite ready. When he was back I was pretty much ready , was just getting my son to write a card whilst just packing the bag with some fancy dress outfits for the party in the afternoon. So I wasn’t 100A% ready but there wasn’t a mad rush bc we weren’t late and we were just heading to my friends for lunch ( it was 11am!) I told her we’d be round 11/12

He knew you were there and has not apologised to you at all. He likely thinks its your fault anyway your hand was there.

I remember you from previous writings on this matter and I replied to one of your posts in 2022. Nothing sadly for you and your kids has really changed since that time.

Did you contact WA at that time also?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. What factors are stopping or otherwise preventing you from leaving?. Is it fear of him and his reaction, fear of the unknown, your kids, embarrassment?. Naming your fears could help you address them better.

Op he violently slammed a door of the doorway you were standing in. It doesn't matter if he wasn't specifically aiming for your hand.

If I threw a dish at the wall right next to your head and it hit you or, parts of it smashed and hit you, it would still be assault.

The fact that he couldn't give a fuck that he injured you in itself, is terrifying.

I can’t leave, my kids are in school and I have no where to go , I have a job. He should leave but how do I get him to leave? If I even mention any of this, it’s not going to be amicable. He’s going to be so nasty about it. I

He’s not going to leave. He’ll say ‘ it’s my house , you leave ‘

If you have a job then do you have money to rent elsewhere?

Even a 1 bedroom would be fine as the kids are young so you could take a sofa and they can share a room. Hell even a studio. Whatever you can get. Local caravan site maybe.

Once the divorce goes through things will be sold and you'll get your share.

Alternatively, you can report his assault to the police. He will be arrested and likely told to stay away from you whilst charges are dealt with. That buys you some time in the house potentially. But it's risky.

So I'd go with option 1. Look for somewhere to rent ASAP.

@AttilaTheMeerkat yeah that was an awful time last year. Other ones are probably micro aggressions. Recently we had a deep conversation and he seem to understand how he was making me feel. I cried a lot and he said he was sorry and he was really going to try. Seems like BS to me.

thank you for remembering me. I did contact women’s aid at the time. The lady just listened at the time. I might try again.

I am starting to realise that staying here means that I am saying ‘ yes I am allowing you to treat me this way’.

I don’t feel as confident in myself anymore. I was always happy go lucky now I’m constantly on edge. It’s him that’s causing me to like this.

You should start planning to leave OP. Even without the violence, your little boys must be terrified by that level of shouting and hatred.

This

My gosh do not let him away with it

I have been there and the advice on here saved my life

I do. Not think this is appropriate at all

There is no justification for what he did

NONE

You get him. Removed

There are laws to protest you

Do not take this

Horrendous man

Get rid.

Getting him to leave is easy. Go to the police tomorrow and report his abusive behaviour, along with any historic abuse. Ask them to remove him from the household immediately.

I'm sorry this happened to you. He is being utterly disrespectful, entitled and abusive . It won't get better by itself. It may well get worse over time.

I've been there too unfortunately and I ignored it too long; I put up with it and my kids suffered as well, for years.

It has to be dealt with and that may be by asking him to leave/you leaving with the kids, even for a short break, if necessary, to give you time to think and draw on some emotional support.

Please urgently read 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, and 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship ' by Patricia Evans (both on Kindle, Amazon etc). They will give you clarity on types of abuse and what to do.

It may be his losing his job has affected him, or perhaps there's been other flashes of this in the past, or perhaps there's communication issues too.

Either way it's still totally unacceptable and there's no excuse.

This is awful for you and it's about what the kids see/hear him doing/saying to you as well.

Slamming doors is physical abuse. Swearing is verbal abuse. Hurting you is clearly physical abuse.

Please find a trusted friend or family member you can talk to, and a women's domestic abuse helpline for support. You don't have to accept this.

Thank you so much for your support. I can’t sleep. He’s not employed now. He might apologise eventually - he’ll prob say it’s because he feels down because he hasn’t got a job. However before he would say they job is stressful and it causes him to be this way. When he’s had ‘ gardening leave ‘ then it’s because he’s ‘ in the house too much’. Always some reason.

How do I find the courage to leave?