Husband swearing at me

[Ellen2]

one minute I think I’m happy and then realise that maybe I’m delusional. I don’t know who to talk to right now with it being Sunday night. So I came here to share my thoughts. I just feel so hurt, and disrespected. The way in which dh treats me can be just so awful and somehow he makes it out that I’m the one to apologise or in the wrong.

We have to boys 3and 5. The 3 year old has been waking for the last few weeks early 4-5am, so that’s been taking a toll on us. However DH lost his job recently so is able to take naps in the day.

Every weekend there ends up being an altercation where he will shout at me or swear at me.

This weekend - went went to a family wedding yesterday - his family. So a tiring day- outfits ready for us in the morning , boys had a hair cut in the morning, got my hair blowdried , getting out of the house etc, so when we got home we were shattered, esp as we’d been up since 5am! Next day he takes the boys to an activity and then on their return we were driving to my friends house. I rang and sent a text to him to not rush back as I wasn’t ready/ had to shower , wrap presents( we were going to a kids party in the pm) , tidy up after breakfast. He comes home - pissed off bc the kitchen hasn’t been completely tidy. Shouts at me - GET IN THE CAR x 3.

Came down - I asked ‘ who are you shouting at!?’

he says - ‘ you !’
then he says ‘ you can’t even be bothered to clean the surfaces , what have you been doing!!! ‘
I said don’t shout at me - to which he replies -‘ f* you’ so I said the same back to him. To which he says - ‘ don’t shout at me?’

then he was screaming at the top of his voice, really Aggressively- slams the living room door - and hit hits the back of my hand really hard. I’ve got a swelling and lump over my knuckle.

He literally didn’t care that he hurt me.

How can I come back from this. He’s been ignoring me for the rest of the day. We went together to my friends but I couldn’t look at him.

Losing a job is stressful
Bringing up kids is stressful.
Is there a reason why you weren’t ready after H had taken kids out?

Totally inappropriate set of statements. None of this excuses the DH’s violence.

He's abusive, he's a bully, he frightens you, you walk on eggshells trying to make everthing perfect and if you don't you are worrying about the excuses you have to give beacause he has such exacting standards.

Why can't you have exacting standards on how you should be cared and loved for, why does he get to make the rules.

Your needs are unmet, yet he has the ordacity to push his standards on you and hurt you for relief whenever he wants.

What would be equal is you telling him he is a useless bully who beats on his wife because he can't make it in the real world and compete against other men, sad bastard has to take it out on his wife.

Twat, get him reported for nearly breaking your hand.

This man will eventually hurt you badly.

You leave because you don't want your sons to grow up traumatised and broken. They will become just like their dad because that's all they know, that women are to be despised, abused, and lorded over.

You don't have the luxury of choosing to do nothing.

This ^

And doing the Freedom Programme would be a good start.

You find the courage by realising that if you stay now, you might be leaving later in a body-bag and your kids would be without a mother.

Any man acting aggressively towards a woman is a serious threat to her. This one has already physically hurt you...and, it didn't even phase him.

One big burst of courage to get out. That'll save you from having to spend your whole life trying to be brave every minute of the day for all the wrong reasons.

Sometimes we have to brave the vaccination needle so that we don't have to live with (or be killed by) the disease.

Tell your friends what happened. Maybe they can put you up whilst you look for a place to rent?

Put one foot infont of the other just like you'd handle anything else you needed to do. You can do it.

That's so awful! I'm really sad for you reading that :( Unfortunately he's gone too far for any understanding or excuses. There's no coming back after all that. It's gone on too long and went too far. It's straight up abuse. You can't let your children witness it anymore either. If you allow it to keep happening with them present you become partly responsible for them being abused. It's horrible but it's true and you don't want to look back and regret staying. I'm saying this as a survivor. If I could change anything I would have left sooner.

Hi @Ellen2

I was in the same position as you - abusive husband, 2 young kids, he refused to leave.

I told him I wanted to separate in November, we eventually rented a property in February and “nested”, in August he started living there full time. Nearly a year on we are finally almost agreeing division of assets.

I never told anyone (except his family, who said I’d provoked it) about the abuse until after we split.

Do you have any family or close friends nearby? I’d recommend you start by telling them about the split and the abuse and have someone with you when you tell him you want to separate.

It wouldn’t hurt to go to the police and talk to them about the history of assault. I’m not in the UK but where I am, psychological abuse and exposing children to it are classified as family violence. My kids (aged 8 and 5) saw terrible fights, rages, smashing things etc from their father - they are both terrified of raised voices. He threatened to go for 50:50 when we split but predictably hasn’t followed through - it’s more like 80/20.

Leaving him has been the best decision (bar, ironically, having my amazing kids with him) I’ve ever made. I knew his behaviour was bad but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I was out of it. I’m still processing how I was treated over our 21 year relationship.

@Ladyj84 you are an absolute idiot

You leave by starting to take action. Gather up all documents relating to the mortgage, his salary slips (from when he was working), investments, debts, birth certificates, pension docs, bank statements, passports etc

Go to the police and report what happened recently but also mention previous incidents.

Contact Women's Aid again. Read "Why Does He Do that?" by Lundy Bancroft (you can get the pdf free on this website, just do a search for it). Do the Freedom Programme. Then think back over the relationship and make notes about the things he's said or done to you which you now realise are abusive/controlling. The ragey swearing at you is bad enough but I expect there's more you don't even realise is problematic. Look up the Grey Rock technique as you can expect your husband to push back hard once he realises you're serious about leaving him.

Start looking for somewhere to rent for just you and the boys. It doesn't have to be perfect, just somewhere you can all be safe.

See a solicitor ( try and get recommendations from friends) to better understand your legal rights and progressing the divorce. They can also advise on what steps you can take to keep your husband away from you.

None of this is easy but once you proactively engage in taking steps to put you all in a safer place, you will start to feel more in control and less a helpless victim of your husband's rages. I agree that you should tell your friends what's been going on and also let your manager know. Make sure people understand this is not him reacting to losing his job but that he's been like this before.

He doesn’t work, he should be cleaning the fucking kitchen.

You don’t want your sons to copy him, which they will. Report and get the police to remove him.

Look at your boys.
Now imagine the police coming to your door because one of them has done to a young girl what your husband's done, because they weren't shown any different. No matter how much you don't think it will effect them ,it will

Dangerous dangerous advice

Seconded

I’m sure this is a troll, but that someone would come on a thread about an abusive partner and deliberately minimise it to troll, is fucking horrific.

Ignore this abuser apologist and blame merchant.

They are a troll, I've seen them do similar on two threads already.

They always blame or equally blame the victim.

Not sure what their agenda is but they need banned.

I've reporter ladyj84's post and them as a troll.

Hopefully mn hq will ban the account.

I have no doubt they'll return with a new account but ....

Ladyj - get yourself some psychological help and GET OFF THIS FORUM

Ladyj ‘s response would probably be the same as my DHs. Think he probably thinks I’m making mountains out of molehills. I think it’s just that it’s all built up over all the many times. At times he might say sorry or he might not. He’ll say he’ll change but he doesn’t do anything about it.

We’ve had therapy too and he’ll say- for the blow out behaviour - that ‘ once he’s got it out of his system ‘ then he feels better.

He just doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

So you've established that he won't change. What now? What do you think might help you?

So this is day 4 since the Sunday incident. He is not speaking to me and I am not speaking to him. I’ve told him that the ball is in his court to initiate a chat. This is where I will tell him how I feel. I’ve always given in and pressured him, he’s has been known to give me this silent treatment before. I don’t think he’s going to back down.

Don’t waste time waiting for him to apologise or discuss matters, what difference would it make anyway? Just get on with plans to exit this relationship. Gathering up important documents, birth certificates, marriage certificate, passports etc preferably ask a trusted relative or friend to look after those documents. Write down all historical and recent events of abuse.
Contact Women’s Aid.

So you know that "He just doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong", and you are planning to tell him how you feel. But you "don’t think he’s going to back down".

So what's the point of waiting for him "to initiate a chat" - what is your agenda, your expectations? He'll do what he has always done, you'll back down, and you'll be in a worse position than before.

You don't need a 'chat'. (NB I hate this word...)

You need to gather up all the financial paperwork, educate yourself about how to get divorced (Wikivorce, books) and see a competent family solicitor.

Your children will thank you one day.

Thanks so much everyone. I know everyone has been posting that I should leave him etc. we are now going into week 4 since this incident. For days he just kept away from me and basically ignored me - silent treatment. Then he booked dinner at a lovely restaurant- I said to him - how can we go for dinner when we haven’t even talked ?

the same thing happens every time - he just wants to sweep it all under the carpet and carry on.

I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts and realising and recognising all these awful things. Yes it’s emotional abuse , he gives me silent treatment, he is always gas lighting / telling me ‘ I am the aggressive one .’ If I have sworn BACK at him after he has sworn at me - then he’ll use that against me. He’s always made me feel like ‘ it’s all in my head and that I’m making mountains out of molehills.

He also can shout at the children in a really scary way like he’s eyes are popping out- it scares me and it terrifies them - he shouted today and the 3 year old got hurt and was crying , he shouted at ny 5 year old - roaring - WHAT DID YOU DO? I said WHAT DID YOU DO!!’ My son was then crying hysterically. it’s so uncalled for.

I’ve spoken to women’s aid and they’ve been really good and I’ve also spoken to his sister - she said she will speak to him.

I have told him that I will not tolerate this anymore.

i guess I just want him to turn around and say, ‘ I will Fix this , I’ll do whatever I can , I’m feeling like this isn’t going to happen ? I feel like I’m waking up from this nightmare of my life and I’m petrified