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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband swearing at me

58 replies

Ellen2 · 19/11/2023 20:40

one minute I think I’m happy and then realise that maybe I’m delusional. I don’t know who to talk to right now with it being Sunday night. So I came here to share my thoughts. I just feel so hurt, and disrespected. The way in which dh treats me can be just so awful and somehow he makes it out that I’m the one to apologise or in the wrong.

We have to boys 3and 5. The 3 year old has been waking for the last few weeks early 4-5am, so that’s been taking a toll on us. However DH lost his job recently so is able to take naps in the day.

Every weekend there ends up being an altercation where he will shout at me or swear at me.

This weekend - went went to a family wedding yesterday - his family. So a tiring day- outfits ready for us in the morning , boys had a hair cut in the morning, got my hair blowdried , getting out of the house etc, so when we got home we were shattered, esp as we’d been up since 5am! Next day he takes the boys to an activity and then on their return we were driving to my friends house. I rang and sent a text to him to not rush back as I wasn’t ready/ had to shower , wrap presents( we were going to a kids party in the pm) , tidy up after breakfast. He comes home - pissed off bc the kitchen hasn’t been completely tidy. Shouts at me - GET IN THE CAR x 3.

Came down - I asked ‘ who are you shouting at!?’

he says - ‘ you !’
then he says ‘ you can’t even be bothered to clean the surfaces , what have you been doing!!! ‘
I said don’t shout at me - to which he replies -‘ f* you’ so I said the same back to him. To which he says - ‘ don’t shout at me?’

then he was screaming at the top of his voice, really Aggressively- slams the living room door - and hit hits the back of my hand really hard. I’ve got a swelling and lump over my knuckle.

He literally didn’t care that he hurt me.

How can I come back from this. He’s been ignoring me for the rest of the day. We went together to my friends but I couldn’t look at him.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 09/12/2023 20:49

guess I just want him to turn around and say, ‘ I will Fix this , I’ll do whatever I can , I’m feeling like this isn’t going to happen ? I feel like I’m waking up from this nightmare of my life and I’m petrified

You KNOW he won't do this.
You say you "will not tolerate this anymore"
And yet here you are.
I absolutely get that you are in a tremendous amount of pain.
But there is nothing, nothing at all, that you can do to change him.
The person you know is the man he is.
If you stay with him, this will be your life.
Other than what I wrote in my previous post, I have no advice to give.
You need to summon every ounce of strength you have and save yourself 💐

PaminaMozart · 09/12/2023 20:50

No idea why my message posted twice!
It was worthwhile and actionable - but not THAT good...

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 22:01

@Ellen2 Even if he promises to fix it, most likely it'd still be part of the cycle of abuse. I'm sure he's been nice sometimes before too, or you would've left- abusers have to be nice sometimes or every woman would leave a lot faster.

He's unlikely to change long-term and I don't recommend sticking around to see if he does.

Andthereyougo · 09/12/2023 22:15

Your poor children, they must be so confused and scared. Suggest you speak to their school or nursery safeguarding team or call Social Services for advice and help. They cannot continue to live with this level of abuse around them and you need to make a decision and follow it through, either their father moves out or you and the children do.

Endoftheroad12345 · 09/12/2023 22:30

Hi @Ellen2

I don’t want to freak you out or make you feel worse than you already do (because I have lived it) - but living with your H’s out of control anger is already affecting your kids.

We split a year ago and DS9 has just had 3 sessions with a child psychotherapist. We had a debrief with her last week and she told us DS is carrying significant trauma from what he experienced. He witnessed H pushing me (and tried to intervene 🥺) and heard/saw many incidents of H’s out of control anger - smashing things, screaming at me etc. DS is going to have ongoing therapy for as long as he needs it.

He’s only recently started to open up about how scared he was. He said he used to lie in bed at night listening and was scared to go to sleep in case he got hurt. DD5 also talked about “Daddy shouting Fuck you” during the “bad times”.

We come from a naice middle class home. We have a swimming pool and a beach house. We had lovely holidays to the Amalfi coast. We are both very senior lawyers. I feel so ashamed that I thought all those material things compensated for my kids living in an environment where they didn’t feel safe.

I saw something on Insta that really resonated with me - it was along the lines of, “I don’t want my kids to say “my mum was so strong, she had so many challenges but she always held it together. I want them to say, my mum was so happy, she was on her own but we had so much fun and our house was so calm and safe.”

I know it’s not so straightforward and I am lucky enough that I earn enough to buy my ex out of the family home and minimise disruption that way. I have had zero family support (practical or financial) so I genuinely have done this alone. If you have anyone you can talk to, who can help you in any way - please do. Sending you lots of support ❤️

LorlieS · 09/12/2023 22:40

Just tread carefully if he is a true narc like my ex-husband.
I was coercively controlled for a very long time but when I left he took me to court time and time again and used our sons as weapons, blackmailing them at every opportunity.
For years care was 50/50 but more recently I only see them EOW.
I am sure 99.999999% are not as sick as my ex but it happens sadly.
I'm not the only mum out there who has been put through hell because of such evil partners sadly 😔

Thinkingmumw · 10/12/2023 12:20

I think @Ellen2 said it all. Only you know how far is too far, and there are no easy choices, unfortunately.

It's likely that unless you do ask him to leave - soon - and mean it, versions of what you're going through now will continue for the next decade or more. Your resentment against your husband will grow, and you'll feel you eventually have 'lost your voice' in the relationship, because every time you try to stand up for yourself and your kids, nothing changes or gets worse.

There may be some good days, but the overall pattern will be downhill - unless your husband has an epiphany and decides to get actual professional help for his issues - which might happen, but again is unlikely, if he doesn't see already that his behaviour isn't okay. (He is more likely to be willing to get help - if he values his relationship with you and the children- if you do this early on. Later on it will be easier for him to ignore, because it hasn't been enforced and you will have lost respect for each other).

Your children risk later having behavioural or mental health issues at school or at the very least, growing up resenting their father. The relationship between them and their father will be a difficult one and one day, they will start to wonder why you put up with it. They will think it's normal until they find their friends' homes aren't like this. They won't feel able to bring their friends home.

Your relationship with your husband will deteriorate until you have no respect for him, he has none for you. There'll be no relationship left worth saving.

I know this because this has been my life too, and my kids are now 19-21 and this is what we went through from their births onwards. This year their father and I finally separated.

I just always hoped another day would be magically better and he'd change.

The effects for us were varied, but overall destructive to the parenting relationship and our marriage.

For years our son would act out at pre school and school after a blow up at home, and I had almost weekly phone calls about his problems. Our daughters are sensitized to shouting. One had mental health issues as a young teenager, which required CAHMS intervention and was a truly terrible time. She attributed some of her problems to the constant blow ups, yelling and tension at home.

We then had family therapy - my husband said all the right things and came across as perfectly reasonable to the therapist! He made some changes for a while but eventually reverted back.

Our young adult kids today have a very distant, strained relationship with their Dad. They still hope he'll reach out to them in the right way, but so far true to form he continues to let them down.

Even if there's depression, anger management, personality, childhood, work or other issues affecting your husband, he has to accept responsibility himself for dealing with those, as an adult.

If you can possibly afford it, even for just a few sessions, I highly recommend some individual counselling for YOU. Relate online relationship sessions are about £75 each, which I know is a lot, but it was an eye opener for me. It gave me back my confidence and I was shown what a healthy relationship looks like, and to think honestly about what I wanted. Also research the legal and financial situation if you separate, so you know what's involved if that becomes necessary.

I only wish I'd put my foot down years earlier. My kids and I live in a calm house now - no eggshells. I have had to work differently than expected to secure a financial future, but it's worth it.

Sadly , he probably isn't going to change.

One parent has to advocate for the kids. Please advocate for yourself too.

Sending you hope, strength and hugs ♥️

Ellen2 · 10/12/2023 23:37

@Thinkingmumw thanks so much for your long message and your wise words. Listening to both of you and @Endoftheroad12345 is really helping me. Listening to your stories. You’ve been where I am . I also grew up in a shouty angry household, I actually couldn’t even remember why anyone was shouting. My mum would always shout back and stand up for herself, however that’s probably when a lot of the respect has gone , they stayed together and dad mellowed a lot over the years.

I also remember staying at other people’s houses and remember how calm it was. I don’t want my children to grow up with this tension , I want them to have a calm household.

he’s currently saying he’s going to move out Jan 1st. I am also going to speak to a lawyer this week.

thank you so much for your support it means a lot . I have a counsellor at the moment who is wonderful. I am also listening to such an insightful podcast - Insight - exposing narcissism and also another called ‘ love and abuse’ . It lists so many of these behaviours that he does , where I’ve always questioned my own sanity and whether I am the one causing him to behave this way. Twisting my words so I end up looking like the mad one.

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