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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just went through a bad breakup at 28. Terrified I've missed the boat to have a family like I always wanted?

53 replies

ChiquititaCat · 19/11/2023 13:59

I always thought at this age I'd be married and have children, but had to leave my fiancee whom I loved because he became abusive (physically and verbally).

I am in a ok position otherwise I think (I have a good job, own my own home, people say I'm attractive etc). But I'm so upset that things haven't worked out for me in my personal life like I hoped they would. My friends tell me I'm being silly (none of them are married and but most in new relationships), and I don't think it helps that my family is from another culture where it's the norm to be married at around 25. My mum keeps saying I need to get a move on which is making it worse I think!

I'm just so worried that all the things I want won't happen for me. I keep trying to get a grip, but I'm struggling to recover from the heartbreak!

Do you know many people who were single at 28 but ended up having a happy family?

OP posts:
stargirl1701 · 19/11/2023 14:00

Yes. Most people I know.

The only people I know who married in their 20s are all now in their 70s.

MrsMiagi · 19/11/2023 14:00

Yes. Single parent with a baby at 28. Happily married with a 2nd child now. It can happen. 28 is still young

TeddyBeans · 19/11/2023 14:03

I was in a relationship from 22ish, had DS at 27, was single just before I turned 29, met new DP at 30, had DD at 32. It definitely can happen! You just have to be proactive and don't settle for anything less than what you want just because you think you're running out of time - you're not!

Good on you for getting out of a dangerous situation. It's all up from here ❤️

SirChenjins · 19/11/2023 14:03

28 is nothing - most people I know weren’t having babies until their mid thirties at the earliest and plenty in their late thirties/early40s. Never settle - you did the right thing by getting away from him, having children with that man would have caused you and them all kinds of problems.

RandomMess · 19/11/2023 14:06

I have so many peers that had their first DC in their 40s

Overthebow · 19/11/2023 14:06

Yes, lots of my friends met their partners in their late twenties and early thirties. Now we are mid thirties, everyone is married and either having their first or second DC.

MalcolmTuckersSwearBox · 19/11/2023 14:09

Loads of people. The mean age of first time motherhood has been increasing since the 70’s. The last set of data showed the average age of first time mothers in England & Wales was 30yr 9months. This includes areas where average ages are lower and where they are much higher, so it may feel young/old to you, depending on the norms in your area.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthcharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2021#:~:text=4.-,Age%20of%20parents,33.7%20years%20(Figure%201).

You’ve plenty of time to find your someone and have a family. Take care.

Birth characteristics in England and Wales - Office for National Statistics

Annual live births in England and Wales by sex, birthweight, gestational age, ethnicity and month, maternities by place of birth, and stillbirths.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/livebirths/bulletins/birthcharacteristicsinenglandandwales/2021#:~:text=4.-,Age%20of%20parents,33.7%20years%20(Figure%201).

ShinyBandana · 19/11/2023 14:10

Married at 27, divorced no kids at 30. Married again at 38, had kids at 38 and 42.

Personally, I’d balk if either of my kids wanted to get married and have kids in their 20s! It feels much too young (to me. I appreciate that other people feel differently though)

DelphiniumBlue · 19/11/2023 14:11

Yes, I met DH just before I turned 29.

SirVixofVixHall · 19/11/2023 14:13

Yes, lots of people, including me ! I split up with a horrible boyfriend when I was 28 and I was single for ages afterwards as quite wary of men. I met DH a few years later .

Loubelle70 · 19/11/2023 14:15

ChiquititaCat · 19/11/2023 13:59

I always thought at this age I'd be married and have children, but had to leave my fiancee whom I loved because he became abusive (physically and verbally).

I am in a ok position otherwise I think (I have a good job, own my own home, people say I'm attractive etc). But I'm so upset that things haven't worked out for me in my personal life like I hoped they would. My friends tell me I'm being silly (none of them are married and but most in new relationships), and I don't think it helps that my family is from another culture where it's the norm to be married at around 25. My mum keeps saying I need to get a move on which is making it worse I think!

I'm just so worried that all the things I want won't happen for me. I keep trying to get a grip, but I'm struggling to recover from the heartbreak!

Do you know many people who were single at 28 but ended up having a happy family?

Yes my daughter and others.
My daughter got divorced at 28...found a nice man and had her 3rd child age 32.
My gran had child age 47. Her mum had a child at 51!! (My age...no ty lol but its there).
My school friend was married 20 years then divorced...had no children but wanted some... she was distraught that at age 44 no children or another man. Age 46 she became a mum, naturally, with her now husband.

ringmybe11 · 19/11/2023 14:16

I split from my long term partner aged 35 - had been together 5 years, hoped we'd get married etc but he was verbally abusive to me, had some personal issues that he didn't recognise/wouldn't deal with etc so I eventually had to leave knowing I could be single & childless as a result. I met my now husband fairly soon after and I had my son aged 39. I do wish I'd met him when I was a bit younger but am so glad I didn't marry or have children with my ex. You still have plenty of time, far better that you've left an unhealthy relationship now.

Summertimesaddness · 19/11/2023 14:18

My family are from an asian background and most of my younger cousins were married and had children whilst I was still single at 32. I met my husband at 33 and had our LO this past summer, I'm 35 now.

noexcusesforlatenessalan · 19/11/2023 14:21

Please don't worry, I could have written this myself. Unexpectedly single at 26 but took the time to work on myself, travel and enjoy stuff alone. Didn't have another real relationship until 32 but he was the one, had DS at 34 and getting married next year aged 37.

Things will work out ❤️

DiscoStusMoonboots · 19/11/2023 14:21

Single (after many, many failed short-term relationships!) until 32. Met my now-husband on my birthday and that was it. He moved in after 3 months, we were engaged a month later and had it not been for covid, we would have married within 18 months of our first date. Currently 7 months with our first baby at 37.

Have faith OP (even though it's sometimes bloody frustrating and is heartening) x

RedToothBrush · 19/11/2023 14:26

The average is now over 30. You are below average.

You still have ages. A significant number of couples I know didn't meet until after 30.

Original poster
ChiquititaCat · 19/11/2023 14:53

Thank you all - I don't know why I'm finding it all so daunting!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/11/2023 14:56

Relax
you could be single for 3 years and do the work to get yourself healed and healthy

and still be able to have a baby and meet someone Kind and suitable

CharlotteRose90 · 19/11/2023 14:59

Well I’ve just gone through a breakup at 33 and I definitely haven’t missed the boat to have a family or kids and neither have you . Everything happens for a reason and like you I get those thoughts. It’s normal but your time and person will happen

Original poster
ChiquititaCat · 19/11/2023 15:06

It's funny, because when you said "I haven't missed the boat at 33", I immediately thought "duh, well of course not!"

And yet can't stop worrying myself.

OP posts:
clarebear111 · 19/11/2023 15:16

Yes, me. I left my then fiancé at 27 because I realised it wasn’t going to work, despite my best efforts. I was terrified, but I knew I wanted kids and I knew it would be extremely irresponsible to have them with him.

I met the love of my life about a year later. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I shudder when I think I could have missed out on meeting him through fear of the unknown. We have 1 DC and I’m due next month with our second.

I know it’s scary because nothing feels familiar but it will get better. It sounds like you know you’ve done the right thing and that alone will pull you through the moments of fear and doubt. Wishing you the best of luck.

nonmerci99 · 19/11/2023 15:17

I ended a long term relationship at 27. Met my husband at 29 and married him less than a year later (no choice as we lived in different countries). I’m now 36 and have 3 kids.

It’s most certainly not too late. :)

porridgeisbae · 19/11/2023 15:18

Aw 28 isn't old @ChiquititaCat . Most people your age don't have children yet and won't for a few years.

You'll find someone xx

Zanatdy · 19/11/2023 15:19

Yes my best friend didn’t meet her husband until she was 30. Happily married over 14yrs now, 2 DC

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 19/11/2023 15:21

You haven't missed the boat. I didn't meet my husband until I was 30 and pregnant at 36. You still have plenty of time. My best friend is identical too. In fact plenty of people I know didn't meet the one and start a family until 30+

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