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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just went through a bad breakup at 28. Terrified I've missed the boat to have a family like I always wanted?

53 replies

ChiquititaCat · 19/11/2023 13:59

I always thought at this age I'd be married and have children, but had to leave my fiancee whom I loved because he became abusive (physically and verbally).

I am in a ok position otherwise I think (I have a good job, own my own home, people say I'm attractive etc). But I'm so upset that things haven't worked out for me in my personal life like I hoped they would. My friends tell me I'm being silly (none of them are married and but most in new relationships), and I don't think it helps that my family is from another culture where it's the norm to be married at around 25. My mum keeps saying I need to get a move on which is making it worse I think!

I'm just so worried that all the things I want won't happen for me. I keep trying to get a grip, but I'm struggling to recover from the heartbreak!

Do you know many people who were single at 28 but ended up having a happy family?

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 19/11/2023 15:23

We're all mid 40s married early 20s and are entering into divorce world, four out of ten steady and two very rocky.

28 is still young.

neleh87 · 19/11/2023 15:55

28 is a wonderful time to be single!

I broke up with long term partner aged 33, no kids. 3 years later I have a wonderful DP, 7 month baby boy and a lovely house. I really enjoyed the time I spent living on my own after I split from ex.

Don't worry, and we'll done on splitting up with him, he sounds dreadful.

MintJulia · 19/11/2023 16:10

OP, I became a happy mum at 45. Honestly, you have ages. Don't let your mum stress you out. Relax and the right one will come along.

porridgeisbae · 19/11/2023 17:40

Well done for leaving @ChiquititaCat . Your mum definitely isn't helping. Maybe tell her to stop saying these things (worth a go.)

EarthSight · 19/11/2023 18:30

ringmybe11 · 19/11/2023 14:16

I split from my long term partner aged 35 - had been together 5 years, hoped we'd get married etc but he was verbally abusive to me, had some personal issues that he didn't recognise/wouldn't deal with etc so I eventually had to leave knowing I could be single & childless as a result. I met my now husband fairly soon after and I had my son aged 39. I do wish I'd met him when I was a bit younger but am so glad I didn't marry or have children with my ex. You still have plenty of time, far better that you've left an unhealthy relationship now.

How did you meet?

yogpot · 19/11/2023 18:38

Got out of a really horrible relationship at 28, felt exactly as you do now, met someone just a few months before I turned 30, baby last year at 32, married this year at 33. Covid probably pushed us along a lot faster than I would normally contemplate (moved in after 8 months! But didn’t give my flat up until 18 months) but it’s certainly possible.

Bosca · 19/11/2023 18:41

The only person I know of my generation (late 40s, early 50s) who got married in her 20s now says she has no clue what she thought she was in such a hurry about.

Whataretheodds · 19/11/2023 18:43

I was single at 39 and am now happily pregnant with my partner. A friend was also single at 39 and is now expecting her 2nd.

You've just got out of an abusive relationship. Your first priority should be focusing on you - remembering who you are. You can have some amazing adventures before you "settle down", assuming you still want to settle down.

Think of all the things you would like yo be able to have done before you have kids - travel the world, fund your pension, take that dream job, do 20 pull-ups, live overseas, learn a language, have a one-night stand... whatever your list is, what a great opportunity to do that now.

NorthCliffs · 19/11/2023 18:50

Very single at 28, married at 36, first child at 39, 4th and last at 46. Extremely happily married still. Spend some time getting over your break up (well done for having standards, btw) then get on with life. He'll arrive when he's meant to.

minipie · 19/11/2023 18:54

Do you know many people who were single at 28 but ended up having a happy family?

About half the families I know

AdoraFruitcake · 19/11/2023 18:56

I’m one of only two in our friendship group who met their husband/partner before the age of 30, let alone started having children. Don’t fret just yet!

Pinkbonbon · 19/11/2023 18:56

If a 'it might never happen' is making you depressed or mentally unwell then you need to let it go.

I'm not saying you'll never do marriage and kids, just that... if something is making you sick thinking about it then you need to give thinking about it up.

You need to decentralise it from your life.
People regularly make themselves ill worrying about finding a man or infertility. And society plays in to a ridiclious 'woe is me' narrative regarding it.

If I was depressed that I'd never win the lottery or reach the moon or even, become a ballet dancer, people would tell me to focus on other dreams. Not that it's OK to wallow in it.

Pick a new path. Choose new dreams. For now. IF you find a man worth marrying some day then great. You can revisit thinking about marriage and kids. For now - they aren't relevant.

Dery · 19/11/2023 19:03

“You've just got out of an abusive relationship. Your first priority should be focusing on you - remembering who you are. You can have some amazing adventures before you "settle down", assuming you still want to settle down.

Think of all the things you would like yo be able to have done before you have kids - travel the world, fund your pension, take that dream job, do 20 pull-ups, live overseas, learn a language, have a one-night stand... whatever your list is, what a great opportunity to do that now.”

This. You’ve got plenty of time, OP, but also you need to take some time for yourself right now - you’ve just got out of an abusive relationship.

There may be some work you need to do on yourself to recover and also to ensure you swerve potential abusers in the future. I’m guessing also that of part of his abuse of you he told you things like you’re not good enough, you’d be nothing without him, no-one else will want you etc. It’s probably his voice in your head making you panic.

Tell your mum that her comments are unhelpful and things are different now. She should be really pleased you walked away from your abusive partner. She shouldn’t be pushing you to rush into another relationship. ^^

Pipa42 · 19/11/2023 19:05

Was single parent at 28, met DH in early 30s and 2 more children in late 30s, I know loads of people with similar stories

bannaba · 19/11/2023 19:07

I had been with my only boyfriend since secondary school and he left me for OW who he got pregnant whilst cheating on me. We'd been together 12 years and at 28 I thought that was it for me. He had also become abusive towards the end but because I was so desperate on wanting a family and the "happy life" we'd previously had I didn't want it to be over. But roll on a couple of years, I've met a man who adores me and we have our first baby on the way and due early next year. You'll be fine and good on you for walking away Flowers

HoratiaTipperlong · 19/11/2023 19:09

I get fed up with people saying "aww, hun, you can start having babies when you're 40" (when this isn't true for the vast majority of women) - but 28 is genuinely not too old to meet someone nice and have children with him. It's a perfectly standard age to meet someone.

HoneyMustard · 19/11/2023 19:09

I broke up with my long term boyfriend at 28 (been together since uni) and was convinced I was so old but when I look back now that's hilarious. I moved to london and lived with friends, worked on my career, dated a bit and then met my husband at 32. I'd honestly say they were the best few years of my life, I had enough money to enjoy myself but still young enough to go out and have a good time. Embrace and enjoy!

DirectionToPerfection · 19/11/2023 19:10

You're so young OP, of course you haven't missed the boat.

I have friends who met their partners in their late thirties and they have children.

None of my close friends had children before the age of about 32/33.

I went through an awful breakup at 31 and met my amazing husband a year later, I'm thankful every single day that I didn't end up married to my ex.

You will be absolutely fine. I know there's a voice in your head telling you otherwise but that's just insecurity and it's not logical.

Enjoy your single time!

Missymooo322133 · 19/11/2023 19:12

You have plenty of time. Met my partner at 28. Now 33 about to have our First child. Please dont stress x

Echobelly · 19/11/2023 19:12

I think a lot of women are haunted by that boogeyman statistic about fertility falling off sharply after 35, but remember that was literally based on 200 year old data and not actually true.

BoredGeordie · 19/11/2023 19:13

I ended an 8 year relationship at 27 and was married with my first DC by 31. Many of my peers are only just starting to settle down now in their mid-30s. Please don't worry, you have plenty of time and you haven't missed the boat.

VanityDiesHard · 19/11/2023 19:16

Yes. My mother did not even have sex until she was in her mid twenties (conservative, old fashioned family who didn't approve of pre-martial sex) and had me when she was forty, the age I am now. There is nothing at all wrong with being a bit older when you have children, it can well even be better than having them younger.

kneehightoacat · 19/11/2023 19:21

I met my partner at 36

Jammylou · 19/11/2023 19:21

I met my husband at 28, 24 years later and 2 children extremely happily married.
You have plenty of time.
Relax and it will happen.

itsallnewnow · 19/11/2023 19:59

Met DH at 28, married and pregnant at 31 Grin