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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH asked for ‘relief’

83 replies

Disappointeddotcom · 18/11/2023 23:09

Hi
earlier today my husband sent me a message that basically said can you come upstairs I’ve got a hard on that needs sorting! How would you respond to that?

OP posts:
DeepFriedKermit · 19/11/2023 10:58

SwordToFlamethrower · 18/11/2023 23:29

My husband never does anything like this (85% of sex is initiated by me) so I'd be smashing the bedroom door down and cracking my knuckles, "LET'S DO THIS, SEXY PANTS!"

(I just want to make it clear, we have very similar sex drives, but for reasons, he leaves the initiating to me)

That made me laugh far too much - this is so me

category12 · 19/11/2023 11:00

but at the end of the day surely you’d prefer he comes to you with his hard on ?

What do you mean by that? It's not a matter of gratitude that he doesn't go seeking sex elsewhere, that should be a given. And him having a wank is up to him. So what's to prefer about it?

arethereanyleftatall · 19/11/2023 11:08

The question and your response to it would be a great indicator of where your sex life and relationship is at.

If you bound up the stairs two at a time, great.

If there's a reason it's a no, but you don't dry heave at the question, fine.

If your response is 'oh fuck off' or similar, then is it time to question what you're getting out of this relationship.

For me personally, who is wavering between whether I ever want a ltr again, my response to a new guy would be the former so this is a massive tick in the pros to being single/short term relationships column, whereas my response to my xhusband of 20 years would be to vomit.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/11/2023 11:13

category12

this board is full of women who’s partners
-cheat
-sext
-go on onlayfans
-have porn addiction
-don’t want to fuck them

anyway as PP said in a healthy relationship this is totally ok !

but I’m assuming it’s not healthy hence why op posted this …..

TheKnittedCharacter · 19/11/2023 11:15

I’d see no problem with that.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 19/11/2023 11:27

'Sure, but I'd better clear it with the twenty other people in my Teams meeting.'

sugarpops · 19/11/2023 11:32

I'm guessing there's other issues in your relationship or you wouldn't be posting.

If the relationship is healthy then I'd see it as a jokey funny text where you are just being comfortable with each other. Not saying I'd rush upstairs if I were busy but I wouldn't take offence to that.

If you are not happy in your relationship and there is issues and that was meant as a serious text then absolutely that would not be ok at all.

As others have said, we need more context to able to answer

category12 · 19/11/2023 11:36

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/11/2023 11:13

category12

this board is full of women who’s partners
-cheat
-sext
-go on onlayfans
-have porn addiction
-don’t want to fuck them

anyway as PP said in a healthy relationship this is totally ok !

but I’m assuming it’s not healthy hence why op posted this …..

Yes, but just because other people's relationships are even shitter doesn't mean you have to be grateful for mildly shit.

I'm one of the ones who said it was fine in a healthy relationship 😂

Boredatthemoment · 19/11/2023 11:39

I can’t believe you spent time asking on mumsnet instead of going upstairs and enjoying yourself.

AHeadForHeights · 19/11/2023 11:45

My dh is lovely so I'd just go upstairs and sort him out. He would do, and has done, the same for me. If your h is a git then I would take the heavy book as suggested above.

CurlewKate · 19/11/2023 11:48

I'd think he'd been taken over by a visiting alien.

sugarpops · 19/11/2023 12:04

Boredatthemoment · 19/11/2023 11:39

I can’t believe you spent time asking on mumsnet instead of going upstairs and enjoying yourself.

It really depends though doesn't it?

If he just sees her as some sort of sex slave that should just meet his needs whenever then that's really not ok. There is absolutely no information on the background.

StockpotSoup · 19/11/2023 12:12

Disappointeddotcom · 18/11/2023 23:09

Hi
earlier today my husband sent me a message that basically said can you come upstairs I’ve got a hard on that needs sorting! How would you respond to that?

It would depend on what was on telly. To quote Blanche Hunt, “Anything’s got to be better than Loose Women”.

Oganesson118 · 19/11/2023 12:13

I'd go and make use of it!

Petallove · 19/11/2023 12:14

Depends on your relationship and your mood! Personally I’d oblige! You only live once!

Selenitetower · 19/11/2023 12:54

I agree with the majority that context is needed but for me if my husband sent me this I think I’d be pretty put off. I personally would prefer him initiate sex in a more intimate manner not just send me a horny text, it reminds me of the “you up” texts I’d get at 2am from guys back when I was single.

CatMadam · 19/11/2023 12:54

harerunner · 19/11/2023 08:06

It's easy to see who has good, healthy relationships, and those who don't, from these posts....

And in case it's not clear, it's the ones which imply the DH is treating his DW as a sex robot or similar that are the ones that don't.

Without context, it’s hard to judge though. I can see it from either side, it could be fun and harmless or it could be a gross continuation of treating op like a sex robot. No need to critique posters’ relationships because they’re turned off by this message!

ErrolTheDragon · 19/11/2023 13:11

Decidedly offputting, makes it sound like a small medical problem. My DH might ask me to 'sort out' a spasming back muscle. That sort of thing.

Also this makes it sound like it's a rare occurrence for the OPs DH and he doesn't know how to handle it himself.Confused

bonzaitree · 19/11/2023 13:20

Join him!

LlynTegid · 19/11/2023 14:35

'Do it yourself' would be my response.

gannett · 19/11/2023 15:34

sugarpops · 19/11/2023 12:04

It really depends though doesn't it?

If he just sees her as some sort of sex slave that should just meet his needs whenever then that's really not ok. There is absolutely no information on the background.

Show quote history

If he sees her like that then the problem is much bigger and the advice should be along the lines of LTB.

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2023 15:38

Another vote here for context being everything here.

In a happy relationship where the couples communicate in a fun and light hearted way then it could be a silly invite for sex.

In a happy relationship where they respect each other but it's not the usual communication then it's probably harness but worth an eye roll.

In a relationship that's unhappy, unhealthy or where one side feels disrespected and treated like a sex object then it's probably disgusting and a continuation of other poor behaviour.

Mamato29192 · 19/11/2023 15:39

If I wasn't in pain and my partner text that I'd be straight up the stairs

Comedycook · 19/11/2023 15:45

It's not the greatest seduction technique...but I wouldn't be outraged. He's your husband not a random guy

gannett · 19/11/2023 15:57

LolaSmiles · 19/11/2023 15:38

Another vote here for context being everything here.

In a happy relationship where the couples communicate in a fun and light hearted way then it could be a silly invite for sex.

In a happy relationship where they respect each other but it's not the usual communication then it's probably harness but worth an eye roll.

In a relationship that's unhappy, unhealthy or where one side feels disrespected and treated like a sex object then it's probably disgusting and a continuation of other poor behaviour.

Would also add that in a happy relationship, if you didn't like that kind of sex talk then you'd feel comfortable to say so and your partner would respect that.

But also, even if you don't like the style of initiation, in a happy relationship you'd roll your eyes at worst - rather than feeling revolted or wanting to respond violently.