Why would he leave me hanging with this?

[BranchAndRoots]

An old ex from several years ago, since married, gets in touch every few months on a withheld number. The conversations usually go the same way. After catching up a bit (although he is always very cryptic and doesn’t actually share much), he will sound down and say that he really needs to see me but won’t tell me what’s wrong. I will usually end the conversation by telling him to text me with a few dates and he will agree. The texts never come. Other times he asks me to email him which I never do because I sense his wife doesn’t know he’s contacting me and I’m not interested in anything other than an above board friendship. He’s got me blocked on all SM.

The last time he called, he told me he was having urgent cancer investigations as he was showing some very concerning symptoms. We ended the call with him telling me he would let me know how it goes. Since then, radio silence and this is the longest I’ve not heard from him.

I was already feeling annoyed with the pointless phone calls but this feels really unkind to leave me hanging with this sort of news. I had already planned to ask him to stop calling as I get nothing from the calls but it didn’t feel right to say it the last time we spoke considering how upset he seemed. Now I feel in limbo not knowing if he’s ok. It’s clear he’s not offering anything resembling friendship and I’d rather not have any further contact but I still care about his wellbeing. I could email him but I’m wary of encouraging him further.

The alternative is to accept that I will never know but it bothers me that this has been left so open ended. WWYD?

He is just an attention seeker. There is nothing up with him. He's just happy that you are thinking about him and worrying about him.

First poster nailed it.

He gets off on other people thinking about him.

Block him and have no further contact.

He doesn't need your support, that's what his wife is for. He's not your friend.

Why are you giving this man any head space? Block him and assign him to history where he belongs. .

He always calls from a withheld number. He’s blocked on the last number I have for him though. I use this number for work so can’t ignore calls either. I’ve always been reluctant to leave things on a sour note because he was the happiest relationship I’ve been in and we ended due to circumstances rather than not being happy together. Having said that, I’d rather us not be in contact and I feel the way he’s behaved has sullied my happy memories of him. If he calls again, I plan to tell him not to contact me again. I just think it was a shitty thing to do to make that his last contact.

Why are you handling him all the power?

He has a spouse that can listen to him, and care for him, and give him attention.

I also think you've let this run way longer than is healthy. He's clearly not interested in an above board friendship which is why you get the feeling his wife is unaware of his calls to you. That in itself is enough for you to be hanging up and saying don't call again. It's really disrespectful to his wife and honestly this guy sounds like an absolute head melt and is just playing with your emotions because it makes him feel good knowing that you let him over and over again. And it sounds like you have a bit of a rose tinted memory of the relationship happening. Respectful guys don't act this way.

If you really didn't want him to be contacting you, you wouldn't be entertaining the conversations the way you have been up to now.

Perhaps he is ill, if that's the case, his wife will be looking after him and trying to manage things. If anything happened how do you think she'd feel finding emails from you suggesting that you've had secret contact.

Let this go. He shouldn't have put this on you, that was very unfair. But equally there's nothing between you. You need to put this to bed and move on with your life the whole thing sounds really unhealthy. I'd change my number if it were me.

Sounds like a fantasist.

Made up stories and drama.

I had similar to this when I was younger and it got very creepy and basically he’f say anything to manipulate me and even told me his little sister had died in a crash to get my attention and sympathy and it was nonsense. Please put a stop to it now!!

I don’t usually advocate blocking, I can’t stand not knowing and as such I’d rather just deal with it, but this is a scenario where blocking is the answer. Yer man sounds like an emotional vampire.

Because you are receptive to him he enjoys keeping you dangling.

Next time he calls, tell him to sling his hook.

Block him everywhere and if he calls from a blocked number just hang up on him.
You owe him nothing.

Married. Wants you dangling. Block the drama llama.

He’s a married man and he sounds a bit unhinged.

It’s all ridiculous baloney, so what made you maintain contact with the attention seeker in the first place?

It’s obvious you need to stop engaging with him immediately if/when he gets in touch again.

He just wants the attention. Next time he rings off a withheld number and you clock its him, just hang up on him.

'Sorry, really busy, can't chat now. Bye!'.

OP, be aware that a surprisingly high number of people lie about having cancer.

This. He is Royal Tenenbaum. 'Baby, I'm dying'. Take no notice of him.

Change your number?

For heavens sake stop taking the calls.

Do you really want to be some bloke’s emotional release?. IF the cancer story is true, he has a wide.

Get some self respect

As Lewis Capaldi warbled, "I'm not ready
To find out you know how to forget me
I'd rather hear how much you regret me
And pray to God that you never met me
Than forget me"

He just wants to know you still think about him. He's an attention seeking twat. Block his number and live peacefully!

Thanks all. He often catches me off guard when he calls. He usually pretends he’s someone else and it’s a business call before laughing and saying ‘don’t you know who it is?’. Like I said, the phone calls always go the same way. I’ve had the same number for 25 years and is linked to my business so would rather not change it over the odd phone call from him.

I’ve not managed to stay friends with a single ex. In fact, I have trouble holding on to friends at all. I have no close friends and only acquaintances from the last couple of years when I moved areas. I feel adrift from my past as there’s not a single person to share it with. I suppose part of entertaining the calls was me being hopeful that we could maintain a friendship as we got on extremely well but I’ve realised he doesn’t really want that from me.

If he ever calls again, I plan to tell him to stop and that he’s shitting on the memories of our relationship. The whole cancer thing is the final straw. He’s clearly not a good person just like every single one of my exes.

Sounds like he's sort of checking you're receptive to him ever so often.

I plan to tell him to stop and that he’s shitting on the memories of our relationship

Don't tell a manipulator what you think of them. If you pick up and it's him, tell him you haven't got time to talk. Every time. And put the phone down. You don't need to share your feelings with him. What good would that do? He's made it clear he doesn't care about them.

I’m actually astounded at the cheek of this man. He has you blocked on all social media but rings you from a withheld number so you can’t avoid his calls?

Next time he rings, be “busy” (not stressed or unhappy, just in the middle of something). You just aren’t available to talk to him. He’ll try a few times but then will get bored.

Don't tell him any sentimental stuff about shifting on happy memories as they will boost his already over inflated ego.

Shut him down by saying -

"For heavens sake Brian, stop randomly calling me! You were boring when we went out together, I sure as hell don't want to listen to you wittering on now!"

Laugh and hang up.