Why would he leave me hanging with this?

[BranchAndRoots]

An old ex from several years ago, since married, gets in touch every few months on a withheld number. The conversations usually go the same way. After catching up a bit (although he is always very cryptic and doesn’t actually share much), he will sound down and say that he really needs to see me but won’t tell me what’s wrong. I will usually end the conversation by telling him to text me with a few dates and he will agree. The texts never come. Other times he asks me to email him which I never do because I sense his wife doesn’t know he’s contacting me and I’m not interested in anything other than an above board friendship. He’s got me blocked on all SM.

The last time he called, he told me he was having urgent cancer investigations as he was showing some very concerning symptoms. We ended the call with him telling me he would let me know how it goes. Since then, radio silence and this is the longest I’ve not heard from him.

I was already feeling annoyed with the pointless phone calls but this feels really unkind to leave me hanging with this sort of news. I had already planned to ask him to stop calling as I get nothing from the calls but it didn’t feel right to say it the last time we spoke considering how upset he seemed. Now I feel in limbo not knowing if he’s ok. It’s clear he’s not offering anything resembling friendship and I’d rather not have any further contact but I still care about his wellbeing. I could email him but I’m wary of encouraging him further.

The alternative is to accept that I will never know but it bothers me that this has been left so open ended. WWYD?

intereresting - can you say more? Any examples? Why do you think this is?
Not getting at you I stress.

@FordAnglia

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/surprising-number-people-faked-cancer-180103901.html?guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvLnVrLw&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAHcKLsvd2vTJANxim3fkxJX8aDjj7CflXoPz3zJQA3rsmWqb3vYD0gibJT5t9jcp2ez8vL_iOok2anI0NKeoVbij-6KsV4f_UryjvMTrY9nWkyYrXQn9Fc1otHeHAckCgciwVzp2ZQcGiW4nj0vw8xD14f9cSF0KmBU-TwMYyACr

sorry @RedCoffeeCup
I can't see that - maybe something to do with my security settings - I tend to have problems with anything on yahoo (which makes me all the more suspicious of it)
don't suppose you could PM the plain text?

@FordAnglia try googling the title "A surprising number of people have faked a cancer diagnosis. But why? Psychologists explain" and the author Korin Miller and see if it comes up.

That's what I thought. Put him behind you, op, you can do better.

Just posting because I'm really annoyed. I’ve not heard a thing from him since he told me he was about to undergo cancer investigations so I’ve done my best to put it out of my mind. Then I recently got an email from him wishing me a belated happy birthday. Nothing else, just that. Not even on my actual birthday. Just what is the point? I find the whole thing really odd and it’s making me really dislike him.

I guess the real question is why haven't you blocked him yet?

He is blocked - he calls me off a withheld number and the email came from what looks like a throwaway account.

He's been shitty to you, and he's being shitty to his wife. 100% she doesn't know he contacts you. You probably won't be the only woman he's contacting.

He may be sullying your memories, OP, but he's showing you who he really is. Seems like you had a close escape!

You could tell him that this is starting to feel like harassment and you want him to stop. He knows he's being weird because he is going to these lengths to get round your blocks.

Don't bother appealing to his better nature - seems if he ever had one it is not in charge now. Just tell him to stop. Once you've been clear his contact is unwelcome, there are laws against him continuing to pester you, which you can remind him of if he continues.

That doesn't stop you replying to the address and telling him not to contact you again. You can even reply to his usual email address and put a stop to this. Come on, you could be doing more to put a stop to this. You could even make a new Facebook account to get that message across. You could even tell his wife/partner he won't stop contacting you and send screenshots of the emails. Ask yourself if there's a part of you deep down that is interested in the contact and doesn't really want contact to end completely. You really could stop this if you absolutely wanted to.

Have you told him that you don't want to get messages from him anymore, because you've moved on? I'd do that, then block him. If you can't just ignore.

SHE CAN'T BLOCK HIM. HE RINGS ON DIFFERENT ANONYMOUS NUMBERS!!

Don’t tell him that! He’ll love it! Just sound bored and tell him you are really busy and have to go. Rinse and repeat. He’ll get the message and you won’t feed the drama llama!

He’s a twat. I never answer withheld numbers, so just let him ring his phone off. He’ll soon stop trying and it will probably annoy him to boot.

I'm amazed you're still giving this guy any headspace, but then it's obvious you want more from him, I think you're enjoying the drama now tbh

Every time he rings you from an unidentified number tell him you can't talk you're busy or have guests in.
Don't reply to his emails.
I think you still have feelings for him.
He guesses it and is toying with you.
What a charmer. Not !

Email him back and tell him you want no more contact. Hang up if he calls you on a withheld number.
You can put a stop to it.

Agree with this. Hes a twat but the OP could have put a stop to this a long time ago but not giving him head space

It does seem like she’s getting off on the attention and drama

Just ignore everything.

If you pick up phone by mistake then say after a couple of minutes that you have to go.

I think you want more from him and that's why these breadcrumbs are annoying you. You think he should give you more after you've listened to all his woes.

Sounds like a boring man.

Thank you. Not sure how many times I need to repeat this.

Wow, so this is all my fault? I would have liked us to be friends in the beginning which is why I entertained the calls but it’s becoming increasingly clear that he’s a twat and isn’t actually interested in friendship. I’m also not enjoying the attention, if you can call it that. One 5 minute phone call every few months is hardly attention or drama! Especially as he doesn’t actually say much except a few cryptic clues which is really irritating.

I started the thread because I was upset that he would drop the C word then leave me hanging with that news. Then to email me randomly 6 months later like it didn’t happen. I’m still reeling from a bad breakup last year and wanted to believe just one of my previous relationships was with a decent guy so it’s a bit distressing to realise he’s just as bad as all the rest have been.

I don’t know who his wife is and I don’t have any evidence except a happy birthday email which on the face of it, could have been from anyone except there’s a clue in the email address (an in joke between us). He’s made sure that she can’t find out. I will ignore the email and if he calls again, I will just hang up every time but I think I’m entitled to feel upset and harassed by his contact. Not sure it counts as harassment legally though as it’s so sporadic.

He's an ex, he's married, he's bread-crumbing you and making shit up, why do you want to be friends with him is the question?

And you haven't mentioned harassment at all until your last post...

I will ignore the email and if he calls again, I will just hang up every time but I think I’m entitled to feel upset and harassed by his contact. Not sure it counts as harassment legally though as it’s so sporadic.

Continued attempted contact is legally harassment if you have said you want no contact. So you need to tell him explicitly that you don't want contact.

As you are feeling harassed by his contact, send a message to whatever account he most recently emailed you on or phone number he called you on, saying "I find you contacting me uncomfortable and don't wish to have any further contact. Please don't contact me again."

If he then contacts you again reiterate you want no contact and that if he continues you will report him.

I doubt he will continue then but if he does... report him.

It's very clear from your posts that you absolutely are not 'enjoying the drama' and that you've done all you can to block him.

I understand why you'd be angry / disappointed that someone - anyone - would tell you they may have cancer and then radio silence for 6 months.

He's obvsiously an attention-seeker and has no thought for your feelings. If he has genuine problems, he has a wife he can talk to. He certainly shouldn't assume he can rely on the ex who he's treated so badly.

So you have no reason to engage with him in any way. I agree - ignore his email. Block any future emails from that address (appreciate he can just set up another account, but each time, ignore and block). With regard to phone calls, I'd suggest ignoring unknown numbers if you can. I know it's a business phone, but so long as you have voicemail, presumably genuine business contacts will leave a message and you can call them back.

Or if you feel you can, answer the phone calls but if it's him, tell you're too busy to talk. No apology. Then block the number each time.