Ex wants me to go to swingers club, so I'm his bartering chip so he gets off with other women!!!

[lousyatchoosingnames]

Wow, today was the most I have ever been insulted in my life, my ex, who dumped me by text 5 months ago, admitted he hasn't slept with anyone since me. He's on every dating app going! But now he's joined a swinging club and has been going on his own. He contacted me out of the blue today, and after some small talk tried to get me to go to the swingers club with him!!

In the moment I laughed it off and said how sleazy, sounds like my worst nightmare. But all day I've been seething because it's just very clear that he wants me as a bargaining chip so that he can swap for other women!!!

I mean the cheek, it's the most I've ever been insulted in my life. Can anyone top that??

I'm trying hard to not react at all. Part of me wants to rant at him and block him but I'm trying to be more mature than that.

I have nothing to do with him really.

How on earth do I take this insult and transmute the utter audacity of this cretin into a bundle of positive energy????

Help please.....

Yup, never believed it more than today

Urgh, what a dick op. Console yourself with the fact that he’s clearly a loser.

This has just reminded me - years ago I went on a first date (OLD of course) and he astutely observed that it wasn’t going well so he suggested we go to the local swingers place together. Taxi!!!

I had great fun at a swingers club in the 1980s - no sex or actual swinging, but the place was great fun to go dancing. Single men were not allowed in - only couples and single women - so the single men from our friend group needed one of the single women with them just to get in the door. Otherwise the club would be full of men.

This was my first thought. Ask him when he's going next, then tell him you went the night before. 😂

Yeah. Cock is NOT a scarce commodity in the swinging community (or anywhere TBH)

The ethos of clubs is Very Very big on boundaries and consent. And the radar for sleazeballs is finely honed. Most places operate very tight controls on single males — restricting what nights are open to them, and setting the entry fee high.

he’ll be getting nowhere, and is probably desperately trying to get into a couples only night

They're definitely a type 🤮

I've had similar recently. Not the swinging invitation exactly but an ex from ages ago who ghosted me getting in touch thinking he could get his leg over.

What is wrong with these men? Fucking weirdos.

I've never understood why they seemingly can't get by in life without sex. It's all they ever think of and It goes beyond the norm IMO.

What utterly, utterly dull people.

FWIW blocking someone who has proven to you they’re incapable of treating you with dignity and respect is not immature at all. All you’re doing is allowing this AH an opportunity to swing back round when they want a bit of female attention as you’ve discovered.

TG he is your ex.

Just for the record. Some swingers are very choosy who they have fun with.

I had one or two that would try and use me as the bait so they could pull. Tragic.

He's so awful.

Block for sure and try not to put up with a low value male ever again. x

*Most places operate very tight controls on single males — restricting what nights are open to them, and setting the entry fee high.

he’ll be getting nowhere, and is probably desperately trying to get into a couples only night*

Yeah, from what I've read ... This is v likely his problem; they severely limit the number of single males; so he's trying to get in as a couple and he needs a woman for that.

Anyway it takes a special kind of stupid to message an ex you dumped by text and proposition them to be your plus one in a swinging club.

He clearly has mental and personality issues that he actually thought about that and then followed through on it.

Book a dominatrix and tell her that 'your' boyfriend wants to be dominated.

Tell him you've found a swingers party to go to and when you get to the House of Pain, let him go through the door first, then you leg it and leave him in the hands of Miss Diane.

Clubs either don't allow single men or vet them and restrict them a lot - unlike for single women, who are welcomed. Singke women can usuaget in cheaply, whereas single men will pay a premium. The good thing about swingers clubs is consent is taken seriously and no really means no. He'll be chucked out if he's hassling anyone.

It can be great fun if you're in the mood, but if you wanted to try it, go without him...

Can confirm everything said about sex clubs by those who have been.

Men getting into that scene thinking it will be easy to find quality sexual experiences are way off. The women tend to be very empowered, clued up, and have a huge supply of quality, decent, trustworthy, respectful and sexy men available to them. And the environment and community are very strict about crap behaviour.

The 'wanking dead' is the phrase used for the sad men who aren't an integrated, successful part of the scene .... they stand like shadows around the sex action going on, that they desperately want to join, wanking themselves off. It's not allowed in a lot of clubs, and is limited through the ticket pricing and many nights when single men aren't allowed at all....

Yeah, so I suspect, OP, your ex is paying top dollar to get into the few 'single men allowed' nights, totally failing to engage other people because folk on that scene smell an untrustworthy twat very quickly, and hanging out with a bunch of other said men, watching the action jealously from afar.

What a revolting idiot for trying to hook you in to solve his problems! Block, block, block.

You mentioned taking it as a reflection on him.

This is crucial.

When I was just turned 23 (and I was a good looking 23 yr old) I dated a man from a developing country who, it transpired, was unhappy with his situation in a country he'd emigrated to (he'd actually gained residence there through marriage to a national). I was there teaching TEFL for a while.

At the time, the UK was still in the EU, also the Celtic Tiger was happening in Ireland and it became an immigration hot spot. As an NI person with potential dual citizenship to both the UK & Ireland; he apparently decided I was an ideal prospect for use as a visa provider.

His residence in that country would probably have been revoked had he divorced (I didn't know he was married, he hid it, and I presumed wrongly he'd been given some kind of basic worker visa) so he proposed that we have a baby together, after a few short months of dating. (This was because he rightly or wrongly though having a child in the UK/NI would get him visa advantages).

I was utterly nonplussed. I didn't guess his agenda at the time but in any case, I indicated I was not remotely open to that. He started becoming distinctly less interested in meeting up and then , after telling me he was at home sick with a very bad cold, I bumped into him in a local venue in my town on a double date with some EU nationals.

Users are users. People with an agenda are people with an agenda.

I have obviously had numerous normal relationships with non visa geezers since.

It's not a reflection on you.

He sounds sex obsessed and he's not got basic, normal reasoning/cop on to think he's going to contact a woman he dumped and proposition her to go swinging with him, when she's not even a fkg swinger.

It's also very telling that he hasn't even got one female friend who he could ask to go with him, as a "couple" to get around the lack of opportunities for single men to get in.

She wouldn't have to participate if she didn't want to.

He hasn't got that because he's clearly a fuck wit/asshole.

The 'wanking dead' is the phrase used for the sad men who aren't an integrated, successful part of the scene .... they stand like shadows around the sex action going on, that they desperately want to join, wanking themselves off

Yeah if you read reviews of clubs, it's clearly a problem. Couples reporting these guys following them around.
There were also reports of single men penetrating women in jacuzzis (when they were at close quarters obviously) without their permission/clear consent.

The former is a normal part of the scene that everybody knows about.

The latter is a horrific crime. Having been years on the scene, I have never encountered or known anyone who encountered such a thing. If anything, I would guess rape and assault are less common in the lifestyle. Consent and safety are HUGE things and having been to normal clubs and these kind of clubs, I find I am much more likely to suffer harassment in normal clubs.... and others around me are less likely to support me in enforcing good behaviour in normal clubs too.

Lol so many good suggestions coming up

I know, I saw the light!

I have since read about the local clubs and part of me is tempted!!! But obviously without him ...

Blocked on everything now, honestly what was I thinking???

Stop talking to him

I've been to swingers' clubs and I didn't even see single guys wanking. They probably realised doing that would make it even less likely they'd pull. The few single guys were not my bag but nice enough. One guy overstepped but I don't think he meant to.

@CubaLibre23 Well that's rape and I'd hope it isn't common.

@lousyatchoosingnames Well done for blocking- make sure he's blocked on every single thing, email etc etc.

I thought this too.

If he is also on dating apps ad can’t get a shag, it’s because he is instantly recognizable as unappealing.