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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't STAND my father in law

54 replies

elliso · 17/11/2023 22:08

Just that really. The man is an utter pig, a horrible spineless fool. I've put up with his crap for 9 years, 9 whole long years. I've always held my head high and treated him with respect and grace but I actually can't do it anymore. He comes round to my house to see my husband, hardly acknowledges me but bosses me around at the same time. Says awful things about me and my family in front of our children... for example, we bought our eldest a tablet for his birthday and when he opened it my FIL said 'it's a good job your dad has a good job, your mum wouldn't be able to afford that' for reference i work part time in a well paid career to enable our family to grow and his sons career to flourish.

I can't do it anymore, he'll comment if my house is 'a mess' or if he comes round and I'm in my loungewear and it's 'gone 10am' 😅 I can't put up and shut up anymore. He's ex army and everyone seems to be scared of him, including my DH.

My youngest asked why is grandad nasty to you mummy? She's 3. It's ruining my relationship, he causes so many arguments. I don't want him to see me or my children anymore, he's toxic. What the hell do I do.

OP posts:
Santaiswashinghissleigh · 17/11/2023 22:11

You keep him out imo. Dh can see him elsewhere.. Being verbally abused isn't in your marriage vows...

Boomboom22 · 17/11/2023 22:13

Yanbu. Does your husband just say nothing?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/11/2023 22:16

What does your H think of his father?. Is his mother in his life; I ask only as she is not mentioned.

Do not invite him into your home any longer; that is a boundary you can set and maintain for yourself and your DC. You do not need to see him any longer but if your H wants to continue to try with his dad outside your home that is his choice.

You've had nine years of your FILs crap, do not further subject your kids to him either particularly as your youngest is now noticing her grandad's behaviour.. If he is too difficult and or otherwise toxic for you to deal with, its the same deal for the kids also. Reading Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward could be beneficial to you.

xyz111 · 17/11/2023 22:17

It needs to come from your DH. He needs to stand up for you! Must be terrible if your 3yo has noticed. Or you need to say to your DH that FIL is not allowed in the house, if he wants to see him then he can go there.

Ladyj84 · 17/11/2023 22:19

Wow my hubby wouldn't stand for this even from a family member. One of his sister's was horrid to me for a year and eventually after many warnings he banned her from visiting and cut contact with her. We ended up moving away actually because she wouldn't take it and the police ended up being involved

waltzingparrot · 17/11/2023 22:21

I expect no one has ever spoken back to him and put him in his place. You sound like you can stand up for yourself. Start speaking up and don't let any future comment he makes go unanswered. I bet he backs down where you are concerned.

BackAgainstWall · 17/11/2023 22:26

The next time he does it ask him to leave.

If he questions you, tell him straight that you won’t accept rude bullying behaviour any more and ask him to leave.

Let him stew on it. If/when he comes around again, exactly the same applies.

Mischance · 17/11/2023 22:26

"Excuse me, Fred, but I am tired of your rude remarks to me, and the children are beginning to notice, so I am asking that you stop this right now. Please be assured that every time you do it I will point it out to you, whoever is there. It is not acceptable. This is my home and I will not tolerate people being rude to me."

Mischance · 17/11/2023 22:28

What stands out to me is his use of the children to get at you (e.g. the comment about the tablet) - that is beyond bad. My mother used to use me to try and get at my Dad - honestly it is truly grim and you need to step in and not allow him to do that.

Mari9999 · 17/11/2023 22:41

@elliso
You don't need you husband to speak to his father. You are not a 5 year old who needs to tell on someone..

You are an articulate woman who is capable of telling off her FIL without being rude. I would have lose a bit of respect for my husband if before speaking up for himself, he expected me to speak up for him. Why have you been silent for all of these years?

By now your husband might agree with him about the house being a mess at times or that it would be helpful for you to earn more money.

You FIL sounds like a jerk, but it is not too late to speak up for yourself. Not that his respect is worth much, but he might actually respect you more if you spoke up.

It does not have to be rude or turn into a confrontation, but right now the lesson that you are teaching your 3 year old is that mommy doesn't have much of a spine. Having your husband speak to him will send the message that mommy needs a man to solve her problems.

You can handle this.

ChannelNo19EDT · 17/11/2023 22:46

Don't ask him to leave as he'll react really defensively "oh you're so sensitive" "why are you attacking me" et cetera.
Say nothing. When he leaves, don't have him back.

category12 · 17/11/2023 23:19

Think you should refuse to have him round any more. He can see his son outside of your home.

If he asks why, "because I'm tired of you being unpleasant to me. Even my three year old wonders why you're so rude to me, so I'm no longer putting up with it in my own home".

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2023 23:22

It's a shame that you really don't seem to understand that your biggest problem is with your husband. Your husband actually allows his father to treat you this way, and you just accept how spineless and useless your husband is? Unbelievable.

Olika · 17/11/2023 23:37

Another husband who doesn't stand up for his wife.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2023 23:39

Olika · 17/11/2023 23:37

Another husband who doesn't stand up for his wife.

Exactly. This is the only part of this story that matters. If the op's husband supported her properly, none of this would be an issue because it wouldn't be happening.

Mari9999 · 17/11/2023 23:44

@Aquamarine1029
In what universe is someone who for 9 years refused to speak up for themselves not spineless? How can you expect someone to respect you when for nine years you have not demonstrated any self respect?

You should expect your husband to stand with you as you are standing up for yourself. She is not the little woman who needs a man to stand-up and fight her battles. She is a capable and articulate woman who should be perfectly capable of addressing this issue with her FIL. She diminishes herself when she refuses to speak up for herself.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2023 23:54

Mari9999 · 17/11/2023 23:44

@Aquamarine1029
In what universe is someone who for 9 years refused to speak up for themselves not spineless? How can you expect someone to respect you when for nine years you have not demonstrated any self respect?

You should expect your husband to stand with you as you are standing up for yourself. She is not the little woman who needs a man to stand-up and fight her battles. She is a capable and articulate woman who should be perfectly capable of addressing this issue with her FIL. She diminishes herself when she refuses to speak up for herself.

I never said she wasn't spineless.

GoldDuster · 17/11/2023 23:56

Peak passive aggressive bullshit, you should not have to silently put up with this, your children should not have to see you being dealt with like this, nor should they be wondering why both of their parents are silent in the face of it. They are watching and learning how to deal with people, give them a good example.

If you feel that you can't confront it head on, nor can you ban him from the house which without your DH backing will be difficult to acheive, you could play daft, stay calm and and try the curious "can you explain what you mean? I don't get it?" approach, which can be surprisingly effective.

DNLove · 18/11/2023 00:02

Your problem is your husband. If he cannot have your back and protect you from this BS he needs to be spoken too. If you're 3 year old can see it he's hardly not noticing it.
I would stand up to your FIL. If it's already causing problems on your relationship at least let it cause problems because you are refusing to take shit.
I'd guess your FIL will probably have more respect for you when you call him on his shit.
If he comments on your home "if you don't like my home you are very welcome to leave"
"I'm not one of your recruits, please don't speak to me like that" "

DNLove · 18/11/2023 00:04

Big difference between a peace keeper and someone spineless. In laws are a tricky subject, you can bet OP wouldn't take this shit in work but more difficult with family.

Restinggoddess · 18/11/2023 00:08

Your house is a mess - answer ‘ Is it?’
You couldn’t afford that laptop - answer ‘ couldn’t I?’

But ultimately ask the right question ’What is the reason you disrespect your DIL?’
Or ‘is your comment appropriate?’

don’t ask why - that always results in the person giving an excuse eg I was only joking

You got this - he won’t expect it because for too long and by too many he has been enabled
He might even respect you for it - weirder things have happened ( not that you need that he just needs to respect you and your home)

Soonenough · 18/11/2023 00:15

I had this and my replies started on Well that's not a very nice thing to say to me , is it ? and ended up by saying Please do not speak to me that way. I don't like it . Don't disrespect me in my home. All this said as I walked away. Eventually I think they were the ones afraid of me.

Mari9999 · 18/11/2023 00:22

@DNLove
Whose peace was being preserved by the OP's silence. It didn't sound as though there was any peace . There was ,animosity from the FIL and silence from the OP. There was no peace. Submission and spineless acceptance do not equal peace, and expecting someone else to fight your battles does not make you a lover of peace. Had the OP spoken up 9 years ago; she might have 8 years of subsequent peace.

Canisaysomething · 18/11/2023 00:37

This is a DH problem. There’s no way my DH would hear anyone speak to me like shit without shutting them down, whoever it is. It’s not for you to keep HIS father in check.

thebraispink · 18/11/2023 00:45

You have my empathy, my FIL was/is an absolute rude twat.

He'd talk over me, shusssh his own wife, talk over any guests we had, was rude and obnoxious to my parents.

I tolerated him for a while but went no contact about 12 years ago, he now has dementia but I've not seen him forover 12 years he missed his grandkids growing up, denied his wife seeing her grandkids too, she is ok, but unfortunately put up with his awful crappy ways.

I just said enough and ignored, blocked and went out with the kids if they did show up.

My DH kept in touch, talks etc but basically told them it was my decision to protect my own home and children from his rudeness.

You need to go nuclear get him out of your life and your kids lives fast.

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