Can't STAND my father in law

[elliso]

Just that really. The man is an utter pig, a horrible spineless fool. I've put up with his crap for 9 years, 9 whole long years. I've always held my head high and treated him with respect and grace but I actually can't do it anymore. He comes round to my house to see my husband, hardly acknowledges me but bosses me around at the same time. Says awful things about me and my family in front of our children... for example, we bought our eldest a tablet for his birthday and when he opened it my FIL said 'it's a good job your dad has a good job, your mum wouldn't be able to afford that' for reference i work part time in a well paid career to enable our family to grow and his sons career to flourish.

I can't do it anymore, he'll comment if my house is 'a mess' or if he comes round and I'm in my loungewear and it's 'gone 10am' 😅 I can't put up and shut up anymore. He's ex army and everyone seems to be scared of him, including my DH.

My youngest asked why is grandad nasty to you mummy? She's 3. It's ruining my relationship, he causes so many arguments. I don't want him to see me or my children anymore, he's toxic. What the hell do I do.

@Canisaysomething
Do you lack the ability or desire to speak up for yourself? Are you not capable of speaking up for yourself? Do you think that a husband should need to solve his wife's relationship problems?

How comfortable can the husband be in leaving his children in the care of someone who is incapable of speaking up for herself? Would that be behavior that you would want to see modeled for your children? Would you want your daughters growing up to be women who would not speak up for themselves?

Is there a reason you keep banging on about the op being "spineless?"

I agree that she should have defended herself long ago, but her adversary isn't just some random on the street or a meaningless coworker. It's her husband's father, and I have no doubt the op's hesitancy to confront her father-in-law was/is because she didn't want to damage her husband's relationship with his family. It's a minefield and the op was doing what she thought was best at the time.

Give her a fucking break. Her husband should have been dealing with his father from the start.

Are you a single man? You seem to have no insight into victim blaming and male aggression.

I have no idea why you are putting up with this. Why haven't you challenged him?

Call him out on it every time

Say if you continue to be rude to me in front of my children I will ask you to leave
And do it.

Every single time

Your husband is the spineless one for not standing up for his wife against this bully. As for your father in law, cut him out of your life entirely. Don’t let him come to your house or go to see him. Let your DH see him on his own if he wants to, if he’s not willing to tackle it and say something.

My exFIL was a bully, not just to me but to everyone. Years ago we had a major falling out (ending in a proper actual shouting match) and to his credit, my then husband completely took my side. ExFIL called us a “pair of c*nts” in front of our children. We didn’t see him for a long while after that, but eventually started seeing him again (at MIL’s request for a truce) and he was a lot better after that. We stood up to the bully and he knew he couldn’t treat us like that anymore, so he didn’t.

I don't know that "calling it out" will work for op. Presumably if she was the personality type that finds that easy, she'd have done it already.

I'm lousy at thinking on my feet and generally louder, stroppier people will talk over me or run rings around me in a confrontation in person. (I also have a freeze reaction with angry men.)

On the one hand, we have a nasty, ex-military, domineering bloke used to saying and doing what he likes and who gives zero fucks - and on the other, we have a woman who doesn't want a scene in front of her kids and would like to get along with her in-laws.

I don't think calling him out will work - he'll likely ridicule her or escalate into fury.

Personally I'd just tell my dh his dad is no longer welcome in the house.

@Canisaysomething
Aggression is and can be demonstrated by both males and females .It is not gender restricted. Making inappropriate and insensitive comments about the OP's domestic skills and financial contribution to the household is crass but is not in any ways threatening or intimidating such that the OP should be to fearful to respond. If the FIL were making inappropriate and insensitive comments to the 3 year old, would the OP sit back and wait for the husband to respond?

He’s a bully. I imagine your dh has FOG fear obligation guilt. Time to break the pattern as it’s now impacting your kids. Stand up to him or don’t invite him - up to you two.

I can't stand my FIL (not married, but together 14 years). He's sexist, racist and homophobic. I decided 9 years ago I wasn't having anything more to do with either of my partner's parents...living 200 miles away from them and being in 40s with no children helped. My partner still saw them quite often, I never interfered with it. MIL was spineless, two-faced and liked to play the victim....which pissed me off no end.

Unfortunately MIL died suddenly 6 weeks ago. Now FIL has been very firmly put back on his pedestal by my partner and can do no wrong. Their family history is being rewritten in a way Stalin would have admired. Like I've told my best friend, my tongue is now like a sieve I've had to bite it so often, listening to my partner talking about his parents. I'm already bracing myself for when my partner suggests I see his father...as far as I'm concerned MIL's death has changed nothing, I'm not seeing him.

I'd be telling your husband he needs to see his father elsewhere.

You have a husband problem.

Someone who loves you doesn't let people talk to you that way.

I'd tell him to leave, and take his man baby son with him.

Seems like the awful FIL has bullied his son throughout his life. More sympathy for someone who's been a victim of emotional abuse should be called for.

Hard to give advice based on what I would do as I wouldn't have suffered this shit for nine years in the first place. Ex-army bullies are the worst of the worst and he'd have felt my full contempt (followed by going NC) long before this. OP would be justified in pretty much anything she chooses to do short of physical assault - rage, icy disdain or (probably most advisable) just cutting the cunt out of your life.

I disagree regarding sympathy. 9 years of her life is far too much sympathy! Just because your family is abusive does not mean you get to inflict them on your partner for years. It's cowardice.

Yes sometimes it requires being in a healthy relationship to recognise that your other relationships were not good. And don't get me wrong, he doesn't have to stand up to his parents alone, I'm sure op would have supported him in doing so.

But there is NO excuse to let your dad talk to your wife that way for years. I don't care how poor your boundaries are, if you love someone you don't let anyone bully them.

Plenty of abuse victims aren't cowards like this guy.

Say ‘keep your opinion to yourself in my home’.

OP,

Your 3 year old is asking why your FIL is verbally abusing you?

Surely be to God you realise how utterly messed up that is?

She is being emotionally abused by watching you being verbally abused by that pig.

Your husband is obviously too weak to stand up to him?

Your daughter is depending on you to protect her because her father can't or won't.

Don't allow him to ever enter your house again.

Contact the police and report his abuse of you in front of the children and that you are all afraid of him.

This is a really bad man that you are allowing abuse you all.

Stop tolerating it.

Start by telling your husband he is never coming into your home again and you intend to involve the police to protect your children.

He is scum.

Contact the police and ask them to deal with him.

There is NO fixing him.

Your children are being completely failed by you both by allowing this to continue.

You owe him nothing.

This is the only way.

Tell him off and don't hold back.

Bully boy will crumble and never do it again.

Speaking from experience here.

Here here!

Add "please leave now"

And (you don't need your DH to say this, or give you 'permission' to say this) "you are no longer welcome in this house"

You to tell him go shut the fuck up and never speak to you like that, especially in front of the children ever again.

What exactly is he going to do, shout? Shout back. And louder.

Cut yourself off from him. He's no longer welcome in your home as long as you're present.

Set boundaries. Now.

Why does your husband allow this? Especially in YOUR home? If he doesn’t lose his rag then you need to. I would let him know that you have had enough of his abusive behaviour and he isn’t welcome in my home or around my kids anymore.

If he makes a comment of you in your pj's tell him I can be in my pj's in my own house all day if I feel like it and if you don't like it there is the door ok.
If he puts you down again in any way ask him to just leave now until he learns some respect and manners. Keep it firm and simple and if he tries to argue or to talk about it just tell him to leave as it is not up for discussion and tell him 9 years of his controlling rude abusive crap is enough.
If your husband does not back you up or takes your fil's side tell him he can also go.
I would not be having fil around all the time and especially if he is a bloody well annoying rude pig.
You do not have to justify yourself or listen to him, your house should be one where you are relaxed and it is your home so just tell him to piss off out that door and don't come back.

Bet no-one has ever stood up to him before. He obviously does not like women very much and takes pleasure putting you down to act like the big man.
Watch his face, he will be shocked when you stand up to him and you will be more relaxed and happier, your daughter should not have to witness these comments and your husband should have told your fil to just stop and show you some respect.

Does your FIL have a wife/partner? Be interesting to know if he talks to his partner in the same way?

It sounds as though no one has ever stood up to him before but you can do this and you can do it without being rude and hostile too.

FIL: Still in your loungewear eh?
You: Yes, I am. It's actually not convenient for you to come in right now. Please come back later.

FIL to kids: Your mother would never be able to afford that.
You: Please do not talk to X child like that. Our finances are not open for discussion.

Or words to that effect but being careful to not 'ask' him to do things but instead telling him not to. You're setting a boundary and honestly the first time you do it, you'll feel so proud of yourself.

I used to work with a man like this. He talked over women, patronised them in meetings, made 'jokes' about women being chained to the kitchen sink etc and no one ever challenged him. Until one day in a meeting he started talking over me. I looked at him, half raised a hand as if to say 'stop' and said, 'I would like to finish what I'm saying'.

He went purple but there was nothing he could do. I had to do it a few more times over the next few weeks but he stopped.

You have power in this situation (even if it doesn't feel like it). 😊

Please don’t speak to me like that
That’s something I don’t need to discuss with anyone except DH, but than you for your opinion
I think I might be the wrong audience for that comment, …swift subject change

Over the iPad comments I think I would have taken it up with him later, out of child presence, said calmly that I was sorry he had spoiled a moment of excitement for his grandchild with critical comments, that it isn’t actually his business to comment, but does he genuinely not realise that the overall household income depends on you covering childcare? Tell him that you and DH work happily as a team. All in a normal discussion tone.

Is everyone frightened of him, including you? Your Dd needs to see you stuck up for yourself.

Which does not mean confrontation or a slanging match, just calm assertive holding of your own boundaries.

So much for men being the protectors. it's a huge myth when in reality most of them are a bit cowardly and go along for an easy life to not have to confront another man.

Tell your husband that you want nothing more to do with his father, and why, and ask him to only invite him into the house if it's possible for you to go out. Say one afternoon per month? That's plenty of visiting from a horrible person.

I'd make sure to let my child hear me tell him not to speak to me that way and that if it continues he won't be welcome back. Its good for kids to hear us stand up to bullies. Because right now she is learning that women should let men who treat them badly, continue to do so.

At the very least, speak with her after calling him out. Tell her that you've told grandad it's not ok to speak to you that way and that if he continues, you won't have him around anymore. 'Because we don't put up with bullies'.

Actually...you know what, I wouldn't even give him more chances. I'd tell him I wouldn't be spoken to like that anymore and to never darken my doorway again.